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Thursday, April 19, 2018

Stronger Family Support for the LGBTQ

Thursday, April 19, 2018 @ 9:38 AM

Sitting on the couch, you are stunned. The news isn't exactly surprising, but your heart doesn't know that. Fear, nervousness, the concern over how someone in your Sunday School will react... all these emotions and thoughts flood your mind. Then you think, will I ever see grandkids? Who can I talk to about what to do about all this?

For many families, revealing issues with an LGBTQ family member can stress their support networks and challenge beliefs. Things that used to be outside the family or theory get up close and personal. For a christian family, situations like this can challenge their religious beliefs, and cause conflict within the family and in figuring out how to put feet to their beliefs. Finding support at church can be challenging or at least uncertain in how the family will be supported or not. What happens when struggling families don't find the support they need?

LGBTQ children comprise 46% of the homeless population*. The Durso/Gates study published in 2012 showed that service providers for these homeless children indicated 7 in 10 clients had experienced rejection by their family and 54% experienced abuse in their family. The National Alliance on Mental Health states “LGBTQ youth are 4 times more likely and questioning youth are 3 times more likely to attempt suicide, experience suicidal thoughts or engage in self-harm than straight people. Between 38-65% of transgender individuals experience suicidal ideation.”** Regardless of worldview, these children are important to our families and to our communities at large. And our society watches us to see how we care for our children. Strengthening and maintaining connections within the family provide these children with the protection, guidance and support they need.

I understand these issues in a very intimate way. My father was a pastor in a denomination that moved to ordaining openly gay pastors. He left gracefully not wanting to cause division or conflict. He lost a lot, personally and professionally for his personal beliefs. A few years later, my brother came out as being in a longterm gay relationship. Throughout the next few years, my family worked to maintain our relationships while still openly communicating about our beliefs. This process was not easy but boy is it worth it! My brother and his husband come to family gatherings, have joined a church, and he continued to see a relationship with Christ as possible and positive. He even shares his faith with their children. He has always been one of my favorite people.

Sharing my story and feelings about maintaining a relationship with a family member whose beliefs are not mine feels powerful. Helping other Christians to maintain these critical relationships by sharing the comfort I've received is a calling I can't ignore.

If you would like to learn more, go to our website. The group is for anyone over 18 who is looking for support in a situation like this. We will talk about our struggles openly and share stories that will help give you hope. And we will relate to the intense feelings you may be having about this topic. Meetings will start when 3 members join.


*Durso, L.E., & Gates, G.J. (2012). Serving Our Youth: Findings from a National Survey of Service Providers Working with Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Youth who are Homeless or At Risk of Becoming Homeless. LosAngeles: The Williams Institute with True Colors Fund and The Palette Fund.
**https://www.nami.org/find-support/lgbtq

Monday, April 09, 2018

Bent By The Forces Of Life- Standing Upright After The Storm

Monday, April 09, 2018 @ 5:35 AM

For many people, extraordinary hardships, difficult relationships or traumatic childhood sorrows have felt as if hurricane force winds have battered and bent them into a deep weariness. Often, there are those who rudely condemn or dismiss the pain that others might be either going through or are working their way out of. NOTE: Their day of sorrow will come and perhaps they will have pause to reconsider their cruelty of words.

Storms test not only our "staying power" but also the depth of our friendships and family relationships. Oh how hard the heart can quickly become when we see others in a season of “weary bent down struggle”!
However, Pain that is hidden, is still pain! The anguish of traumatic past events can filter and twist our perceptions about life, the Love of God, and our most intimate of relationships.

God created your heart, and when it’s weary, there is inevitable devastating pain.
If that pain is not dealt with, serious consequences can occur emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Heartbreak is very real, and it’s very serious.

If you’re in a season of refining or harsh storms, “lean” in. Trust the loving shelter of your precious Savior’s hand and know that He will lead you to the other side of the raging storm. Refuse a sense of entitlement and don’t demand to be understood! ( For instance-“I have a right to be less than I can normally be! I’m WEEEEEEARY!”)

Instead, intentionally humble yourself and look, discern, so you can understand what the Lord is doing around and in you.

He will faithfully lead you and...
...you will be strengthened as you go.
On the other side of this refining time is a fresh perspective and new mercies.

You WILL stand upright again, and you’ll be all the wiser about life and how to navigate storms...
Humble yourself under the mighty hand of God and at the EXACT right time, you will be lifted up, stood upright again, and will be honored (and vindicated) before a watching world.

Here’s my question for you:
Do you have a sense of how God is using your current circumstances to prepare you for a great calling? 🤔🤔

Jesus himself, spoke these words to us addressing the core issue.
"Everything I’ve taught you is so that the peace which is in me, will be in you and will give you great confidence as you rest in me.
For in this unbelieving world you will experience trouble and sorrows, but you must be courageous,
for I have conquered the world!”
John 16:33

Mary Lindow MA 2018

Friday, April 06, 2018

What Sustains You?

Friday, April 06, 2018 @ 12:20 PM

You lean back against the pillows and sigh. There is nothing left in you, after the day you just had. You reach deep inside and don't find a bit of grace for yourself, your spouse, your whole life. Glancing around, your eyes light upon the large dusty book and you sigh. Might as well....

Many of my clients begin with a moment like I just described. They begin the journey to a life sustained by everlasting truths, applied on a minute to minute basis. Reaching for the Bible when you've got nothing else brings hope, love, and truth. Sometimes you need a bit of support in learning how and when and where to apply those truths.

That's where christian evidence based counseling comes in.As counselors, we work to meet you where you are, and hear what God is asking of you. Then we work with you to determine how to meet the goals in front of you. Sometimes that means we teach you how to breath, abide in His Word, and focus just on the path right in front of you. Sometimes that means we teach you different ways to interact with your loved ones so that they hear and feel the love you have for them. Sometimes we simply employ the best scientific methods to treat trauma and other reactions to the world we live in.

One of God's most potent ways of sustaining us through tough times is family. Our close personal relationships support and stress us, but also allow us to practice God's precepts daily. Many times we focus on the problems in these relationships, the sins that those around us commit. While admitting other's imperfections, focusing on them without seeing our own can lead to a huge weight on our hearts. Learn to focus on the blessings your loved ones bring and your relationships blossom. Finding this hard to do? We can help.

Call Acorn for more information about how to reconnect with your loved ones. 940-222-8703

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Angels and Demons, Principalities and Powers on Earth as in Heaven

Thursday, March 22, 2018 @ 3:32 PM

Dr. Brandy Marks

Angels and Demons: the very fact they exist should blow your mind! Sadly, Hollywood is notorious for misinformation on angels. They often depict angels as feminine and winged, or a gathering of charming folks helping the not-so-charming humans, or a curly dark-haired guy trying to ‘earn’ his wings (not biblical at all). Sometimes, especially in art they are depicted as naked babies, or even worse, as men in black like in the “City of Angels” with Nicholas Cage.

Angels and demons do exist, but not always as some would have us believe, they are a fascinating species of celestial beings who are not alone in the heavens. And if you believe they are the same as Cherubim and Seraphim, think again. Even bigger surprise is - Satan is no angel! Regardless of whether they be angel, cherub or seraphs, “if there were no angels, there would be a great gap between us and God.” says Dr. Peter Kreeft of Angels (and Demons): What Do We Really Know About Them?

Brandy Marks wrote Angels and Demons because, like many of you, she wanted to know the truth from the fiction flowing in and out of fantasy novels, and as a biblical counselor, it was equally important for her to understand angels, and demons in particular, so as to help her clients who, under their influence were in need of help sorting out the truth and kicking them out of their spiritual house.

And so, if you want to know the truth according to the Holy Bible, then take a ride into the heavens and discover for yourself the truth about Angels and Demons, the Cherubim and Seraphim, and principalities and powers on earth as in heaven! The book is currently in proof mode and will be finalized by 31Mar.

GPS for Life: Guidance of a Personal Savior

Thursday, March 22, 2018 @ 3:29 PM

Dr. Brandy Marks

GPS for Life helps people interested in spirituality and in personal growth who are seeking a more rewarding life. Its unique advantage is that it is based on the author's actual life experience and spiritual journey. Like the men and women who walked alongside him, you will grow your faith, discover your vision, and learn the way to achieve it. Becoming a disciple of the Lord does not side step the pitfalls of life but learning to endure as you travel through life. It's not easy, but once you start you won't be able to stop nor will you want to!

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

DWI Certified Education Class

Wednesday, March 14, 2018 @ 1:33 PM

Lost your license due to a traffic stop?

Need help understanding the role that alcohol and drugs play in driving?

Al Wade, LPC can help!
Goals

Increase your knowledge about alcohol and drugs as these substances relate to driving skills
Identify your own individual drinking/drug use and driving patterns
Assist you in developing plans which will reduce the probability of future DWI behavior
Learn in a private, home-like atmosphere
Get your license returned

Information

  • Alcohol/drug and traffic safety problems
  • Texas laws relating to DWI
  • Effects of alcohol/drugs on humans
  • Alcohol/drugs and driving task abilities
  • Chemical dependency
  • Symptoms of dependency
  • Sources of assistance
  • Costs of DWI
  • Decision-making

Meeting

Classes are held monthly on the 3rd Tuesday thru Thursday from 6 to 10 pm. The small group meets in our kitchen after an initial registration and intake session. The entire 12 hour course costs just $75. Registration closes the Friday prior. Check out our Facebook Page for exact dates.
More

Monday, March 05, 2018

What is Truth?

Monday, March 05, 2018 @ 7:57 PM

The Pastor's Place

Pilate asked Jesus, "What is truth?" Truth can be anything you believe to be true--even if is a lie. The longer you are told a lie about the same thing continually, it eventually becomes a truth to you.

Psalms 24: 3,4 asks, "Who shall ascend the hill of the Lord? And who shall stand in His holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to what is false and does not swear deceitfully."

Believing a lie to be the truth is lifting up your soul to what is false. People swear to the truth; in the courtroom, your right hand is laid on the Bible and you are made to swear to tell the truth. Suppose as a child, you were called a name over and over, i.e. stupid or ugly or no good--either in words or actions--how your parents treated you in relation to being stupid or lazy or any other negative word. The child starts to believe they are stupid or worthless or unloved and eventually those things become a truth they live by through life. That child has lifted his soul to what is false and was deceived by a lie. Just like Adam and Eve.

Jesus always told the truth. He told us, "I tell you the truth" many times in His teachings. His truths are different from ours and makes it difficult at times to relinquish our lies that we believe are real. So, what is truth and what are lies and why are we so reluctant to face the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Jesus also told us, "I am the Way, the TRUTH, and the Life; no man comes to the Father except through Me."

Truth in a lot of cases is hard to face but in knowing the truth, feeling the pain of it, releases us from its influence and we are truly free.

Sunday, February 25, 2018

The Queen Esther Experience - How to Move From Fear to Action

Sunday, February 25, 2018 @ 7:07 PM

Queen Esther was a woman who had to move from fear and into action during her "such a time as this" moment. Every woman will experience at least one if not several "for such a time as this" moments in their lives.

This workshop was given at Christ Church of Oak Brook in February 2018. If you need a workshop or speaker for your next Women's Ministry event please contact me via my website at www.margotirado.com.

Thursday, February 08, 2018

Anger Management Training and Certification Workshop

Thursday, February 08, 2018 @ 4:33 PM

Anger Management Institute Trainer-Specialist Workshops
Co-sponsored by National Anger Management Association
Location: Dallas Baptist University, 2805 North Dallas Parkway Suite 450, Plano TX 75093

Presenters: Seigel Bartley, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-V and Joe Cook, PhD, LPC-S, CAMS-IV.

Anger Management Institute’s 2-Day Workshops are approved for 12 NBCC CE clock hours: ACEP #6577. NBCC CE clock hours are accepted by NAADAC, the Texas State Boards for Social workers, Marriage & Family Therapists and Licensed Professional Counselors.

Participation in these workshops fulfill the requirements for the Certified Anger Management Specialist CAMS-S (Student), CAMS-I or CAMS-II credential with the National Anger Management Association (NAMA).

Peace Be Still! Calming the Anger Storms Within

Thursday, February 08, 2018 @ 10:20 AM

Dr. Bartley's newest book, "Peace Be Still! Calming the Anger Storms Within" is now available. This workbook presents a biblical perspective on managing anger and includes Scripture meditation, prayers, and daily action steps to assist those struggling with anger issues.

To purchase a copy of this workbook please contact Dr. Bartley at dr.smb@hotmail.com or call 682-305-2122.

Christ Centered Counseling seeks to provide caring and quality therapy. For additional information on how we can make a difference in your life, give us a call at 682-305-2122.

Monday, February 05, 2018

Combining your interests with your spouse's

Monday, February 05, 2018 @ 2:14 AM

Lana Cole, MFT

One of the important areas of a strong marriage is having common interests. However, often times people like different TV shows, different types of work-out, different preferences in hobbies.
Learn hoe to combine your interests with your spouses by watching a video of me talking about this issue on my website.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Bed and Breakfast Couples Retreat

Wednesday, January 31, 2018 @ 8:46 PM

Join Dr. & Mrs. Jenkins for a marriage enrichment weekend at one of their favorite romantic get-a-way spots

Sometimes you need to just get away in order to reset your relationship. How about going to the number one rated romantic bed-n-breakfast located in Virgina?

How about going to the number one rated romantic bed-n-breakfast located in Virgina?

Register for your lodging directly with Briefly Hill for your lodging accommodations.
We have rooms reserved for this event so Call direct @ 540-461-8421
Cost of lodging is separate
http://www.brierleyhill.com/
Tell them Dr. Dave sent you for the marriage retreat.
Select your favorite room
Sign up for their couples massage (see their website for fees)
Be sure to check out their wine and cheese add-on.
Horseback riding and llama hiking are optional date exertions.

Only one ticket needed per couple

Sometimes you just need a little coaching and feedback. Click Here to book your "Private Time" with the Doc the Mrs. to discuss sensitive issues. Reserve your time with Dr. and Mrs. Jenkins for some couples coaching. Make your reservation early as there are only four 1-hour slots available.

Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Grief - Death and Rest: Why It’s So Important To Grieve

Tuesday, January 30, 2018 @ 2:58 PM

Nothing in life can prepare us for the death of a loved one, especially when it’s child who has delighted its parents and relatives. This past year, a dear friend (she's fine with me writing about this- though with no mentioning of names) suffered the immense and traumatic loss of her 10 month old child to the quick onset of pneumonia. It shocked their family into an emotional vertigo and everything spun out of control.

So many friends went to their knees in prayer and cried out to God for this child. But in the last few days of her sweet life, her little lungs couldn't take the stress. Suddenly... she was gone.

Ecclesiastes 3:2,4 describes that "there is a season for everything, a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot… a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance."

Whether death results from a sudden accident or an extended illness, it always catches me off-guard. Death is so deeply personal and so stunningly final. I find that nothing can emotionally prepare me for its arrival. Oh my yes, I'm stunned, but mostly heartsick for my dear friend. And the baby.... oh how soft and beautiful she was! How can she be now gone?

With every death, there is a loss. And with every loss, there will be a deep and profound grief. Talking about that loss and anguish and rage is so very necessary. It cleanses the emotional buildup of sorrow and shock, leading the way to the very personal understanding of how fragile and temporary life is for us.

Merriam Webster’s Dictionary defines “grief” as a, deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. It originates from the Latin word “grevis” or “gravis” meaning "heavy".

So, grief could be described as a heavy, devastating injustice or trauma to our souls.

Grief doesn’t come and go in an organized, specific passing of time. Just when I think the pangs of anguish have gasped their last breath, another wave sweeps in and I am forced to revisit the memories, the pain, the absolute.

Sometimes I do everything I possibly can to resist the demands of grieving. I want to avoid this fierce, yet reverent journey. I fight against the waves of anguish, terrified of being overwhelmed, of being discovered, of becoming lost in my brokenness. (Yes... this is pretty transparent writing folks!)

When a traumatic loss happens we can feel disconnected from everything around us. Our thoughts scatter like the wind, with very little to hold them down. Our "emotional skin" feels intensely fragile to the touch.

Our culture tells us to move past this grieving process quickly. “Hurry up!! Life and death happen! Take a few days, weeks perhaps, to grieve, but for goodness sake, don’t stay there too long!”

Grieving can make those around us extremely uncomfortable. Friends sometimes don’t know what to do with our pain. Loved ones struggle to find the right words to comfort our aching wounds.

Yet grief, as painful a season as it is, is a necessary part of our healing. To run from grief is to run from the very thing that can calm the pain of our aching soul. Grieving is the process God uses to bring us to a place of wholeness. Grieving is His great gift to us. It is a necessary part of our journey. Healing.

The hymn "It Is Well With My Soul" is one I've been deeply strengthened by many times in my life when loss or sorrow threatened to take me under. I've been humming it the past week as I grieve for and with my dear friend. I want to fix this...change it!... go back in time and reverse the way this trauma played out!
I can't.
Oh Lord.... help.

As I finish my cathartic writing here, I'll share where the hymn I mentioned was "birthed" from.
Take time to read this information and then the words of the hymn will mean so much more to you. They sure do speak to me right now.

The hymn was written after several consecutive traumatic events in Horatio Spafford's life.
The first was the death of his son at the age of 2 and the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, which ruined him financially (he had been a successful lawyer and had invested significantly in property in the area of Chicago that was extensively damaged by the great fire).
His business interests were further hit by the economic downturn of 1873, at which time he had planned to travel to Europe with his family on the SS Ville du Havre. In a late change of plan, he sent the family ahead while he was delayed on business concerning zoning problems following the Great Chicago Fire.
While crossing the Atlantic, the ship sank rapidly after a collision with a sea vessel, the Loch Earn, and all four of Spafford's daughters died. His wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, "Saved alone …". Shortly afterwards, as Spafford traveled to meet his grieving wife, he was inspired to write these words as his ship passed near where his daughters had died.

"It Is Well With My Soul"©

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot,
thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

Mary Lindow 2018
www.northgatecounselinggroup.com

Friday, January 26, 2018

Tips for Talking to your Kids After a Traumatic Event

Friday, January 26, 2018 @ 2:32 PM

Tips for Talking to Students (Your kids) After a Traumatic Event

God’s word is full of sorrow, suffering and —hope. God is always in control even when we may not understand what has happened or why. God cares and he promises he will turn our suffering into glory. That said,

1) Parents absolutely must take care of themselves so they are able to give their kids what they need. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
2) Children (and parents) keep in mind that it may take a long time to mentally and emotionally to recover from the trauma (s) your community has experienced, and everyone needs to be able to express and cope with their stress in different, non-destructive ways.

A Guide for Parents
• Provide Kids and young adults with opportunities to talk about what they are seeing on television and to ask questions.
• Do not be afraid to admit that you cannot answer all of their questions.
• Answer questions at a level your child can understand.
• Provide ongoing opportunities for your kids to talk. They probably will have more questions as time goes on.
• Use this as an opportunity to establish a family emergency plan. Feeling that there is something you can do may be very comforting to both Kids and adults.
• Allow your kids to discuss other fears and concerns about unrelated issues. This is a good opportunity to explore these issues also.
• Monitor your kids's television watching. Some parents may wish to limit their child's exposure to graphic or troubling scenes. To the extent possible, be present when your child is watching news coverage of the event. It is at these times that questions might arise.
• Help Kids understand that there are no bad emotions and that a wide range of reactions is normal. Encourage Kids to express their feelings to adults (including teachers and parents) who can help them understand their sometimes strong and troubling emotions.
• Be careful not to scapegoat or generalize about any particular cultural or ethnic group. Try not to focus on blame.
• In addition to the tragic things they see, help kids identify good things, such as heroic actions, families who unite and share support, and the assistance offered by people throughout the community.
+Pray for your kids, and your community together.


Additional resource: Talking to Children about Disasters https://www.healthychildren.org/English/healthy-living/emotional-wellness/Pages/Talking-to-Children-about-Disasters.aspx

Tuesday, January 23, 2018

Grief Recovery Workshop

Tuesday, January 23, 2018 @ 11:34 PM

Are you walking around in silence? Do you wonder if the pain will ever go away?
Weather your loss is due to a Medical Diagnosis, Divorce, End of a Relationship, Death of a loved one-Child, Parent or Pet. Experiencing the pain & sadness that comes from a significant emotional loss can be overwhelming. Through this workshop you will learn: The myths of grieving, that what your feeling is normal and natural. Additionally, you will find Support, Compassion, Connection and Hope as you begin your journey of moving beyond your loss.
We would love to have you join us.

Contact Heidi Brouelette MA. LPC. with Discovery & Wellness Counseling at 480-677-9913 to RSVP. Join us Sunday, March 3rd at 12-5 pm for healing and support. RSVP to reserve your seat! Early registration price is $150.00 due by February 18th 2018. Late registration price is $200.00 before March 4th 2018.

Monday, January 08, 2018

Sacred Place Meditation

Monday, January 08, 2018 @ 6:41 PM

Feeling stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, or fearful? Go to the website below and try this quick Sacred Place Meditation to start feeling calm and at peace.

The Painful Sting Of Harsh Words

Monday, January 08, 2018 @ 4:01 AM

I have been thinking a lot this week about arrogance and those “finger pointing” individuals who enjoy belittling others and just love to be plain old “snarky”. There is a such a harsh “sting to the heart” when the cruel words of someone else intentionally does a “verbal slap down” or shames you. Usually it occurs when THEY believe that THEY are absolutely right or have "superior" knowledge, and that others are the "lesser" and are the wrong- big-"dummies".

This mean and sour arrogance which uses power to belittle or harm others is something that crushes and cripples hearts and dreams.

As a believer, our faith should not be arrogant —nor should a person of faith belittle others! We should never use our faith to pretend that we are superior or more informed than others! NO! NEVER! Belittling is a form of bullying! It’s when someone makes you feel as though you are little, minuscule, not good enough.

Arrogance is the opposite of humility, and humility is supposed to be a Christian virtue. Jesus Christ who, in coming into the world and living and dying alongside of us, lived out what humility is.

You will never reach the place of honor or full use by the Heavenly Father, (and can actually be disqualified from many opportunities) until your insecurities and need to needle, belittle, compete with, or shame others is addressed, repented of
- and buried!

Those who have the sickness of pride in their hearts speak of others’ sins with contempt, irritation, frustration, or judgment. Pride is crouching inside of our meanness and belittling of the struggles of others. It’s cowering in our jokes about the ‘craziness’ of our spouse, the mocking of that ‘too sensitive friend’. It may even be lurking in the prayers we throw upward for our friends that are — subtly or not — tinted with the color of exasperated irritation.

Sometimes, we use sarcasm to voice harsh words we otherwise would not say, often intentionally hurting others. Once the pain is inflicted, however, we retreat, saying, "Oh, I was just kidding." But the sting of our words hurts so much that those we have injured withdraw. Our words don't feel like jokes at all.
Jesus' words should be a warning to those of us who are tempted to use sarcasm as a weapon: "But I tell you that men will have to give account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken" (Matthew 12:36).

Sarcastic remarks usually seem like “no big deal” to the person who makes them. But to the recipient, those words make lasting impressions that scar to the very core of the heart.
Many times, sarcasm shames a person, causing them to feel belittled and unworthy. When shame takes root in the heart, it can cause disastrous behavior, because the person now feels worthless and seeks desperately to find anything that will make them feel otherwise. Shaming others is a serious offense with serious consequences. Jesus said, "By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned" (Matthew 12:37).

Are your words kind and constructive? Do they desire to seek peace and unity, or are they driven by your fleshy desire to sting, aggravate, retaliate, tease, belittle, control, alienate, shame, and manipulate through sarcasm? YEAH... alllll of those HURT PEOPLE!

The enemy is camping out at the gate of your every relationship. Children, spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, parents,co-laborers and more. He is lurking around every corner, seeking to find that one open crevice where he can enter. If he has been entering in and camping out in your home or relationships through the use of sarcasm, it is time to boot this verbal enemy out and lock the gate behind him.

Die to your need to be snarky and always the one with a chirpy sarcastic comeback! Allow Christ to show you His ways that love, peace, and compassion can be the source of every word that proceeds from your mouth.

"All of you, clothe yourselves with humility towards one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.’ Humble yourself then! Bow low under God’s mighty hand, that he may use you to the fullest at the proper time.
1 Peter 5:56

Mary Lindow 2017

Sunday, December 31, 2017

MAKING YOUR NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS ACTUALLY STICK — 3 LITTLE KNOWN TIPS!

Sunday, December 31, 2017 @ 12:00 AM

relationship, Couples Therapy, Life Coach, marriage counseling, Relation Therapy, Relationship Therapy

Do people really expect New Years Resolutions to stick anymore?  Most of us probably have given up on the whole idea because it has fizzled so many times in the past.  Do you think that real change is just too difficult to attempt?

Maybe the reason that most resolutions  fail is because we have been given wrong information on how change happens.

Coaching people for 15 years I have seen some tips used which actually helped my clients keep their resolutions.

These are surprising because they are counter intuitive.  They can also be applied to any changes you would like to make.

 

1.)  COMMIT TO A DIRECTION AND NOT A SPECIFIC THING.

Most advice tells you to be very specific and detailed writing your resolutions. The reason for a direction is that unless you are clairvoyant, you don’t actually have any idea whats going to happen in the future.

Try this experiment:

Think of a time you expected your future to look exactly like ______________? Go ahead and fill in the blank. So I ask you, “Did it turn out like you pictured it?”

So with a direction you allow for the creative wisdom of the universe to bring you amazing, wonderful events, people and situations that you could not even imagine in your wildest dreams.

 

2). CREATE YOUR EMOTIONAL STATE BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING.

 Create your emotional state before you do anything. I am a firm believer in the principles of NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming). One of the main concepts of NLP is that “Everything comes from state” (feeling  states). What that means is that whatever state you are in determines how you are going to do whatever you do.

This means that if you get yourself in a state of abundance and gratitude for your abundance(whatever that is at the moment) you will pull situations to you that contain all kinds of abundance, when you least expect it.

We all have so many blessings and focusing on them will bring more of the same.

More recent research in the field of science, especially epigenetics has validated further how important our emotional states are on our health and behavior.

We now know from the  new field of epigenetics  that our feeling states actually influence how our cells behave.  Dr Bruce Lipton, a cellular biologist who taught at  the University of Michigan Medical School  and conducted pioneering studies with stem cells  at Stanford University wrote  The Biology of Belief.   In this book and in his videos in he explains the science of Epigenetics.  Epigenetics  explains how our thoughts, feelings and beliefs  and our very environment control our biology. This  affects  both our emotional and physical well being.

Dr Lipton explains epigenetics in this 4 minute video.

Because your state is so vitally important to your level of manifestation and success and happiness I suggest to my coaching clients that they spend the first 6 minutes that they are awake doing specific things to get themselves in a resourceful state. ( This is the most powerful time of the day because the veil between the conscious and unconscious mind is very thin at this time).

And you may be wondering how anything significant can happen that fast. Believe me if you know how to do it, it does happen that fast.

And don’t take my word for it- try it yourself. I promise you that if you commit to doing this for 2 weeks, with the understanding that you will evaluate it in 2 weeks to see whether you want to keep it or not, you will be pleasantly surprised at the new things that come into your life.

The best part of doing this is that it brings surprising things into your life. This gives you a new sense of vitality! Try it and you’ll see…

 

3) TAP DAILY TO CREATE YOUR MOST RESOURCEFUL EMOTIONAL STATE AND REMOVE FEAR.

As you have probably surmised by now, I believe in the law of attraction. So my last tip is to tap every time you are overcome with the harmful emotions of fear, shame, humiliation, anger, worry and resentment.

These feelings will just bring you more of the same unwanted emotions so lets get rid of them as soon aw we are aware of them.

There’s a process to tap which releases emotions that are unwanted . The process is called EFT tapping or Emotional Freedom Techniques.

I teach this to all my clients because it is so helpful. And I use it myself every day.

In the EFT community we call it creating good feelings for no reason, because there are always good feelings lying just underneath these painful ones. Most people don’t realize that or they would tap more often!

If you would like to know more about this, contact me on this page of my website: https://www.susanquinn.net/free-coaching-session/

Thursday, December 14, 2017

PEACEFUL/PROFESSIONAL OFFICE SPACE TO SHARE

Thursday, December 14, 2017 @ 5:29 PM

Dear interested parties,

My name is Jovy Lam, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, in the process of specializing in Dance Movement Therapy. My passion is Christian Biblical Counseling/Inner Healing with emphasis in Spiritual Formation. I also provide Artistic Life Coaching incorporating primarily Pilates/Ballet.

I am looking for one or two people who value cleanliness and orderliness to share my recently furnished office. The room size is 10X14 FT, located on the second floor. There is a big window with a nice view, an electric kettle for hot water and a water fountain.

It will be $175/1 day, $325/2 days, $450/3days, $550/4 days. Open to discuss alternatives.

Blessings,
Jovy

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

20 Steps to a Successful Marriage Pt. 2

Tuesday, November 21, 2017 @ 2:18 AM

A two part CD Series listing and explaining the last (10) practical steps to a successful marriage.

20 Steps to a Successful Marriage Pt. 1

Tuesday, November 21, 2017 @ 2:16 AM

Two part CD series identify and explaining the first 10 practical steps to a successful marriage.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

TeenHope Therapy Group

Thursday, November 16, 2017 @ 2:20 PM

TeenHope

Do you feel controlled by powerful emotions like fear, depression, anger, loneliness, jealousy, or self-pity? Are there harmful habits or destructive patterns you can identify in your life? Like cutting yourself, eating too much or too little, drinking, acting out, depending on others to affirm your worth, or engaging in sexual activity? Do you feel powerless to change?

If this fits you, you’re not alone. Many teen women believe lies about themselves, their parents, their relationships, and even God. Because of believing these lies, young women are kept in bondage to unwanted behaviors and emotions.

TeenHope is an 11-week psychotherapy group designed to help young women identify the lies that they believe and replace those lies with God’s perfect truth.

Topics include:
• The Landscape of Lies • Lies about God• Lies about Satan • Lies about Myself
• Lies about Guys • Lies about Relationships • Lies about Faith and Sin • Lies about Media and My Future • Overcoming Lies • A Collision with Truth

FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO PRE-REGISTER - CONTACT:
Phone: (321) 543-3833

DATES:
Beginning: Thursday, January 11, 2018
Ending: Thursday, March 22, 2018
Time: 6:00 pm – 7:30 pm

COST:
$35 one-time fee (11 sessions).
Includes: Lies Young Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free by Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Dannah Gresh (Book and Companion Guide).

LOCATION:
2425 N. Courtenay Parkway, Suite 9
Merritt Island, FL 32953

IMPORTANT:
Pre-registration is required and includes a prescreening interview. Interested participants will complete a registration form and then have a prescreening intake interview. Interested participants for whom individual counseling may be more appropriate (e.g., those with severe suicidal ideation, severe eating disorders, or severe family issues) may be referred for individual counseling.

Seating is Limited. Reserve your seat today.

FOR MORE INFORMATION OR TO PRE-REGISTER - CONTACT:
Melissa K. Weedman, MA, MHC, BCCC
Phone: (321) 543-3833

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

HEALTH DOCTOR WHOLISTIC HEALTH CARE, STAYING HEALTHY FOR THE HOLIDAYS

Wednesday, November 15, 2017 @ 1:58 PM

HEALTHY HOLIDAYS from Wholistic Health Care, 847.784.9667 Northfield, Illinois 60093
For many of us staying healthy through the holidays may be challenging. There may be extra stress of many types and more temptation to eat unhealthy foods and to over-eat. What can we do?
Here's some suggestions:
1. Get plenty of fluids, especially pure water: at least 40 oz/day. Consider keeping a thermos of healthy soup with you.
2. Get plenty of rest.
3. For those with difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep: daily healthy eating, stress management including moderate exercise such as walking, and prayer will reduce problems with these. Psalms, Proverbs in the Bible may provide guidance.
4. Some suggestions for dealing with stress: #1. make a list of all the things that feel like stressors and how you feel about each one, share your feelings with the Lord in prayer. #2. Make a list of at least 3 things you are thankful for each day. #3. Consider joining a small group at church. #4. If you have a Christian counselor reach out to them as needed.
5. Healthiest foods: most vegetables, especially natural sweet potatoes or yams. Most fruits, especially berries, cranberries. At least 60-90 grams of protein/day. Start with a 20-30 gram breakfast smoothie.
6. The Dr. Oz show website has suggestions including a Holiday Breakfast Smoothie and suggestions for eating before going to the holiday gathering.

This practice honors most major insurance including MediShare.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

“DESPERATE PEOPLE DON’T LOOK PRETTY”

Tuesday, November 14, 2017 @ 8:23 AM

Admitting that you’re desperate out loud (and honestly)... often means that you risk ridicule from onlookers who may thrive on others who are in pain. But, don’t worry, those individuals will eventually be in a place where life hits them head on as well, and desperation will shock them! As a Christian, to be desperate for Jesus to help us, means that we humbly have to face our brokenness.
To see and admit our need for healing.
We would have to admit we are in need.
That we got off course.
That we are hanging on the edge of a rocky place and we are getting scared and weary of the exhaustion.
And friends, we are all at one time or another , all of these things!

We do need Jesus!
Of course we will be reminded, all too regularly by others who are masking pain and doubt, that "desperation isn't attractive".
DESPERATE PEOPLE DON’T LOOK PRETTY. But this is who Jesus came for. He came for those who could admit that they can't do life well on their own and for those who are empty and want the sanity that Jesus offers.

We must let go of our ugliness and be willing to run to Jesus! It doesn't come easy either! Accepting the fact that we have bought the lies others have spoken over us, is not easy! “I spread out my hands to you O God! My soul thirsts for you like a parched land” (Psalm 143:6).

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN GOD CALLS YOUR NAME?
Can you hear the tone, the gentle kindness which he uses when He says your name?

Do you know what it feels like? Do you feel the softness of heaven’s breath coming near your very soul? Do you feel the warmth of it all?

AS HE CALLS EACH OF OUR NAMES, HE MAY SAY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Sometimes, many times - as a matter of fact, He reminds me, "Let go of the past. There is nothing there for you. Go forward. Don't pause in the road I’ve laid before you and don't look back for one moment!”

Dear Reader,
Close your eyes today and “hear” His voice as He speaks softly. Listen with your heart. Close out all of the sounds. The ticking away of time, the screaming laundry or dishes, the buzz of your phone demanding that you respond, and especially shut down your own voice that tries to convince you that you are absolutely hopeless or are too broken.

Climb up under a shaded spot - under His shadow, right at His feet and soak in His presence on purpose. Not by accident.

LOOK AT HIM FACE TO FACE ON PURPOSE TODAY AND HE WILL MEET YOU THERE.
Listen to what He tells us in His word - at this very moment.

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you. I’ve called your name. You’re mine.

When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God, The Holy One, your Savior.

I paid a huge price for you:
That’s how much you mean to me! That’s how much I love you! I’d sell off the whole world to get you back. I'd trade the creation just for you.”
-Isaiah 43:1-3

Mary Lindow 2017 ©

Monday, November 06, 2017

The Enneagram

Monday, November 06, 2017 @ 6:15 PM

Laura Novak

In my work as a therapist, I enjoy using various assessments and personality tests that can aid clients in their journey to self-awareness and personal growth. The Enneagram is a personal favorite of mine and can be a great tool to help you delve into a deep understanding of yourself. The enneagram helps us understand our compulsive, unconscious drives. Anyone that wonders, “why do I keep doing the same thing over and over again,” and all of us wonder that time to time, could benefit from the wisdom of the enneagram.

The Enneagram takes into account how various unconscious messages heard during childhood may affect your personality. In our childhood, we begin to develop our way of relating to the world, based on what our experiences were as well as our own natural temperament. Then patterns develop, and sometimes certain patterns don’t work for us. The Enneagram also helps us further understand our strengths and weaknesses.

There are nine different personality types, and with each type, there is an explanation of how that type functions at a healthy level, and average level, and an unhealthy level.

The nine types are as follows:

1- The Perfectionist (the rational, idealistic type)

2-The Helper (the caring, interpersonal type)

3-The Achiever (the success oriented, pragmatic type)

4- The Individualist (the sensitive, withdrawn type)

5-The Investigator (the intense, cerebral type)

6-The Loyalist (The committed, security oriented type)

7-The Enthusiast (The busy, fun-loving type)

8-The Challenger (The powerful, dominating type)

9-The Peacemaker (The easygoing, self-effacing type)

The following is a link to the test: http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/dotest.php (there are many free tests available online.)

Here is another website about the enneagram, as well as another enneagram test, you might find helpful – https://www.enneagraminstitute.com.

If you explore more deeply, you will learn some concepts that further explain your enneagram type, such as wings, security points, stress points, and instincts. There are many components to the enneagram. If you are interested, there are MANY helpful books to further your understanding, including the following:

The Wisdom of the Enneagram: The Complete Guide to Psychological and Spiritual Growth for the Nine Personality Types by Don Riso

The Complete Enneagram: 27 Paths to Greater Self-Knowledge by Beatrice Chestnut

Keep in mind that no types are right or wrong, and no test can fully explain you. However, this can be good a starting point in gaining clarity, further understanding our strengths and weaknesses, and understanding differences between people. Plus, it can be fun and you may find yourself having some “a-ha!” moments when you read a description of your type. For more information on the enneagram and how it can provide insight for your life, contact Laura Novak, LCSW, CADC.

Friday, November 03, 2017

Learning to Grieve Naturally, Veronica A. Zinkham, LPC

Friday, November 03, 2017 @ 11:48 AM

Many theories have been developed about the stages of grief. Each of them points out that there is no time frame; each individual will proceed at his/her pace. Although there are stages, these stages do not necessarily follow in any order; emotions will ebb and flow, rise and drop because we are human, and each of us is unique. My frame of reference indicates that, although we can offer certain guidelines to clients, and prepare them for the path their grief may take, it is best to allow them to naturally experience their feelings as they unfold naturally, and merely be present and bear witness to their individual grieving process.

During my own grief, I learned that there are feelings in me that are so strong and deep, they NEED to be fully expressed, and that was necessary for my healing. The sadness or pain must be expressed. Sadness has movement and will express itself in its own time. By being mindful and aware of our emotions and honoring them, we heal naturally. The experienced counselor will help guide and support clients through this process.

The processing of our painful emotions tests our resilience and permits us to find positive meaning in life. It is important that clients seek professional counseling in profound grief and loss, to ensure their mourning is appropriately managed, and they do not become stuck or depressed. The wise counselor will intervene and treat. There are many creative resources to assist clients in expressing and moving through the grieving process. An experienced professional will collaborate with you and find the best natural fit for you to tangibly design storytelling, rituals, memory books, poetry, art as a tribute to your loved one in their honor.

When we grieve, the sadness overtakes us and rules our life for a while, and then a shift toward healing takes place. We learn to reconstruct a new way of being in the world, holding the memory of those we have lost in our hearts and minds forever. Our hearts may become tattered and torn (never broken, we must not allow that), and the sadness may never leave our hearts and that is our testimony of how we love. The sadness shows how deeply we have loved: the investment we have made in loving those we have lost and continue to love.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Turn Your Will Over

Wednesday, October 25, 2017 @ 6:15 PM

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” ~Matthew 7:7

Does anyone notice the door? Do you get it? What do you see in the picture? I took this picture in downtown San Diego and thought this was the perfect quote to go with the picture.

Last time I checked the Lord's Prayer did not say, "MY will be done…" It says "THY will be done..."

In the 12 step program there is a saying, Let go and let God. Not let go of just the parts that I want to let go of but to let go of ALL of it. When we turn our will over to GOD, we are free.

BUT I have to do the ACTION of seeking HIM, asking for Him to take over and I have to actually do the ACTION of letting go and of knocking. God will be the one to open the door, not me.

That is why this picture is so classic! Did you notice it yet? There are no door handles!

Monday, October 23, 2017

The Daniel Plan

Monday, October 23, 2017 @ 1:19 PM

The Daniel Plan
Saturday, October 21, 2017 @ 10:57 AM

The Daniel Plan is a plan for health utilizing faith, food, fitness, focus, and friendship. It was authored by Pastor Rick Warren and Drs. Mark Hyman and Daniel Amen. It is a research driven, evidence based program to get fit both spiritually and physically. Here are some excerpts from the book:
FITNESS:
DO'S
• Do choose activities you enjoy; the best activities for you are the ones you’ll do.
• Do get an exercise buddy or accountability partner to keep you honest.
• Do start off moderately, with a few minutes of exercise, and slowly increase.
• Do drink lots of water before, during and after your workout.
• Do cool down after exercising to relax your muscles and gradually lower your heart rate.
FOCUS:
The Daniel Plan is unique because it is based on the Bible. It is based on God’s best plan for our lives. And while change of any kind is never easy, it is a necessity for our emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
Making radical changes in our lives requires radical commitment, perseverance, and doing a lot of hard work on our hearts. Pastor Rick Warren teaches us about five key elements to make sure the changes that we make actually stick.
1. Lasting change requires building your life on the truth. Nothing will change permanently until you dig down to the bed-rock of truth about your life and God’s purpose for it.

“If you continue to obey my teaching, then you are truly my followers. And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free” John 8:31-32 (NCV)

2. Lasting change requires making wise choices. You won’t change until you choose to change.

“Get rid of your old self, which made you live as you used to—the old self that was being destroyed by its deceitful desires. Your hearts and minds must be made completely new, and you must put on the new self, which is created in God’s likeness” Ephesians 4:21-24 (TEV)

3. Lasting change requires new ways of thinking. If you want to change how you act, you must begin by changing how you feel.

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Romans 12:2 (NIV)

4. Lasting change requires God’s Spirit in your life. You cannot change by willpower alone. You must have God’s power.

“Why don’t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a law-dominated existence?” Galatians 5:18 (MSG).

5. Lasting change requires honest community. The deepest changes in your life will only happen as you open up to a few trusted friends who will support you.

FOOD:

Dr. Daniel Amen

Cravings can be the culprit that derail your good intentions to stick with a brain healthy program. Here are 10 simple changes you can make to your daily habits to get better control of your cravings.
Avoid your triggers
To control your cravings, you have to control your triggers. Know the people, places, and things that fuel your cravings and plan ahead for your vulnerable times. For example, take a snack when you go to the movies so you aren’t tempted by the popcorn and licorice.
Balance your blood sugar
Low blood sugar levels are associated with lower overall brain activity, including lower activity in the PFC, the brain's brake. Low brain activity here means more cravings and more bad decisions. Low blood sugar levels can make you feel hungry, irritable, or anxious—all of which make you more likely to make poor choices. Here are tips to keep your blood sugar levels even throughout the day so you can reduce cravings and boost your self-control.
Eliminate sugar, artificial sweeteners and refined carbs
If you really want to decrease your cravings, you have to get rid of the artificial sweeteners in your diet. Things like candy, potatoes, white bread, pretzels, sodas, sweetened alcohol, and fruit juice causes your blood sugar to spike and then drop, so you feel great for a short while and then you feel stupid and hungry. Be very careful with high-fat, high-sugar, high-calorie foods because they work on the morphine or heroin centers of the brain and can be addictive.
Eat slow carb, not low carb
Carbohydrates are so important for good health. Bad carbohydrates such as simple sugars and refined products are the ones to avoid. Choose high fiber carbs like vegetables, fruits, beans, and whole grains! They will keep you fuller longer and help you with weight loss.
Drink More Water
Dehydration can contribute to increased hunger. When your body sends signals that it is hungry it can actually be an attempt to get more water. Sometimes hunger is disguised as dehydration. If you drink a glass of water before your meals to make you will feel fuller and can moderate your food intake.
Prioritize Protein
Do you want to feel satisfied longer? Make sure protein is an important part of your diet. Protein fills you up and regulates your blood sugar while making your body release appetite suppressing hormones.
Manage your stress
Chronic stress has been associated with increased appetite, obesity, sugar and fat cravings, addiction, anxiety, heart disease, cancer, and depression. To decrease your cravings, get on a daily stress-management program including deep-breathing exercises, prayer, and other relaxation methods.
Follow the 90/10 rule
Make great food choices 90% of the time. For the remaining 10%, cut yourself a little slack and allow yourself margin to enjoy some of your favorite foods on occasion.
Get moving
Scientific research has found that physical activity can cut cravings whether you crave sugary snacks or things like cigarettes, alcohol, or drugs. Instead of immediately giving in to your cravings or focusing on how much you want something, get moving if at all possible. Make this a high priority and stay committed to exercising each week.
Get 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night.

AT THIS CLINIC WE ENJOY ENCOURAGING YOUR JOURNEY TO IMPROVED HEALTH AND JOY!
847.784.9667

Sunday, October 15, 2017

GROWING THROUGH CHANGE - by Veronica A. Zinkham, LPC, NCC, CPC

Sunday, October 15, 2017 @ 8:15 PM

Change is inevitable; we cannot escape it. And change is hard!!! Whether change is something that hits us by surprise, or we are enveloped in some long-suffering pain, we are called to examine some of those habitual behaviors that keep us bound in a comfortable controlled environment, rather than dare push that circle of comfort. Once we do make the decision to step out of that comfort zone, we must boldly move forward and never stop moving, always implementing our innate potential.

Ecclesiastes: "Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might..."

We must accept that pain is a necessary part of life, but pain and change are opportunities for growth. Regardless of age, the seasons of transition are many: puberty, graduation, first job, marriage, kids leave home, job loss, death, retirement, etc. THE DEMANDS OF LIFE DON'T MATTER NEARLY AS MUCH AS HOW WE RESPOND TO THE LIFE CHANGE. Attitude, open mind, creativity, positivity, and trusting yourself are key.

WHY IS CHANGE HARD?

Change is stress inducing and risky. Change causes us to make adjustments to our habitual way of being. We are forced into the unfamiliar. Our brains have stored up certain chemicals based on our life experiences. When we are forced to deal with change, the brain experiences shock and discomfort. It is accustomed to operating at ease, in the habitual style. It becomes scrambled when patterns change and it has to create new chemical cocktails. This brain scrambling is transferred to us by the effects of anxiety, stress, shock - an entire host of emotions that leaves us confused and seeking clarity. We need faith, a strategy, a plan and goals to execute our plan, and know that it is okay to ask for help.

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding..."

HELPFUL STRATEGIES

Attitude/open mind/positive/creative
Accountability/self discipline
Adaptability/dare to risk/ INNER WISDON
Vision/dreams/plans/goals
Proactive/prioritize
Don't give up/ask for advice/try a new strategy
Remain flexible and adaptable/ LISTEN
There are no failures/ INTENTION
Eliminate guilt, fear, regret/
Use DISCERNMENT
Know that you have made a difference/ ZEST FOR LIVING
Maximize what works and give gratitude/ Implement CHOICE
Free will
Surround yourself with positive, supportive people
Be brave BRAINSTORM IDEAS

The demands of life are opportunities for GROWTH. Our purposeful response to them is necessary.

"I know of no more encouraging fact than the unquestionable ability of man to elevate his life by conscious endeavor." Henry David Thoreau

1 Corinthians 5:17 "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.

Mind Matters - Care Starvation

Sunday, October 15, 2017 @ 12:45 PM

Mind Matters: Care Starvation
Navigating and Healing from Broken Relationships

For those who feel completely disconnected and inconsequential to their existence, some part of you still cares enough to read this blog-----now please, I want to talk to that part of you...the part that seeks to understand you and your actions even while battling an unknown condition called “Care Starvation”.

Over time, as a trauma therapist, it has become apparent that so many of my clients, regardless of their current issues, have the underlying problem of experiencing unhealthy attachments to their primary caregiver. In addition, they attempt to navigate toxic relationships often with this same person. I have spent years studying attachment theory, bonding theories by Bowlby and early imprinting, but the therapist side of me keeps asking “How can I apply these theories to help someone heal and get ‘past their past’ in the present day?”

Often these clients are being negatively affected by the people in their lives that they should by now have a loving, caring relationship with? We commonly accept that our past relationships often define our current relationships and therein lies the problem. While every clients’ history, family and individual circumstances are unique, I have found there are still certain common threads that must be addressed by anyone suffering from something I have termed “Care Starvation.” So, what exactly is “Care Starvation” and are your current problems being caused from this?

The Roots of Care Starvation

Care Starvation starts very early when one does not properly bond with their primary caregiver and especially if one’s emotional or physical needs are not met early on. Often one begins to feel distrustful and hopeless. In response to these situations, a child develops behaviors that serve and protect them. They may split off this “injured part” of themselves, they may act out for attention, get “sick” often, show unstable moods or retreat into a fantasy world. As the individual ages, they may do high risk behaviors such as medicate their feelings through drugs or food or be incapable of maintaining a stable relationship. As a suffering adult, we tell ourselves to “just get over it” or there is no benefit in reliving the past. The important thing to know is that if we do not get help for our Care Starvation, it will continue to surface in ways that do not serve our higher good. The truth is that we often reject these “dissociated parts” of ourselves that are in pain and unhealed. We can only ignore them for so long.

One of the most common symptoms of Care Starvation is the feeling of disconnection or feeling shut out or distanced. Not feeling like you belong anywhere, for any purpose, in the entire universe is recurring theme during session. This is because early on you were given the message that you were not important, that you shouldn’t have been born or that you were simply not wanted. In other words, you were “inconsequential.” Even if these messages are not spoken, a child can hear them loud and clear and accept it as truth. Once this belief sets in, all kinds of unwanted, self-destructive behaviors can result.


Common Symptoms of Care Starvation

• Loneliness, even when others are around, including family members that love you
• Sadness and not understanding where the emotion is originating from
• Feeling like you don’t fit in regardless how much people try to reassure you
• Not feeling good enough even if you have over-achieved
• Feeling like something bad is going to happen when everything is going well
• Doing things to sabotage yourself or displaying behaviors that do not serve your higher good
• Feeling on edge, constant alert and distrustful for no good reason

Worth the Risk--Treatments to Heal Care Starvation

The best way to begin healing is to be honest with yourself and give yourself permission to “feel and explore” your emotions in a safe environment with someone that will have unconditional positive regard for you—this may at times not feel so great. Often a client feels guilty about saying anything negative about their parents or care-givers and their pain is palpable, but I remind them that it’s not about “blame” but about how things affected them and their emotional self and once expressed, healing is free to happen. It’s fine for this to feel risky since we are accustomed to shoving down our own feelings and disconnecting—the payoff is almost always worth it!

Secondly, we have to be willing to accept any parts of ourselves that we have previously rejected. That means exploring the parts that we are sad about, feel disconnected from and are angry about. Then we must begin learning how to accept ourselves. In theory this sounds easy, but in real life it has to be a purposeful act and usually will need a specific path facilitated by a therapist based on your goals.

We have to grieve. Once we realize that we did not receive what so many others got by having their needs met, we have to come out of denial and come into acceptance. This can take different forms:
• Choosing to forgive
• Processing through different stages of grief
• Allowing yourself to experience and feel the emotion of anger.

As the noted therapist Irvin Yalon states, “Sometimes I have to remind clients that sooner or later they will have to relinquish the goal of having a better past”.

Lastly, putting all the pieces together and letting go of shame (which never serves us) proves the catalyst that can propel us to healing and joy. This means we can see patterns over time, understand ourselves better and choose whether or not to forgive. Suddenly, we have the power we need to allow our strong, wise adult self to make healthy choices. Our rejected, immature parts no longer have to be driving our emotions and actions. At this point, we set good healthy boundaries that are right for us and when Mom calls mad and hangs up abruptly, our day is no longer ruined or defined.

To read more about the specific treatments I use to accomplish healing for Care Starvation, see my website at www.freeindeedtherapy.com

Live Free

Renee Trimble, MS, LPC, LCDC
Founder Free Indeed Therapy