Christian Counselor Directory Blog

We’re all busy. We have deadlines, expectations, and places to be. Busy isn’t bad. Busy can often be a sign of a healthy life being well lived. It’s inevitable we’ll have times where we’re busier than at other times. These busy days or seasons don’t have to derail our spiritual focus or hinder our walk with Christ.

Solomon reminded, “Keep your eyes focused on what is right and look straight ahead to what is good” (Proverbs 4:25), and Paul encouraged, “My eyes are on the crown. I want to win the race and get the crown of God’s call from heaven through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

We have such a gift of perspective, friends. Because of Jesus, our purpose is clear, our daily tasks that often keep us busy can take on new meaning. But even with an overall spiritual outlook on life, we’re bound to find ourselves in situations where busyness derails our focus. If you find yourself busy, and also feeling anxious or exhausted, the busyness in your life may have become problematic.

Busyness can become problematic when we use it as
· An excuse for not prioritizing the most important areas of our lives.
· A badge of honor worn with pride, reminding us of our worth.
· A way to numb our uncomfortable feelings.
· An armor we wear to avoid experiencing the pain of life.

There are two common ways this can happen:
1. If you have a hard time saying no, or difficulty recognizing your own capacity, you may routinely take on more than you can handle. This can set you up to feel overwhelmed and incompetent.
2. If you’re afraid you’ll miss out on opportunities to connect with others and nourish relationships, you may tend to overcommit yourself. What you’re looking for is connection, but the over-commitment can have the opposite effect and may create a sense of loneliness and isolation.

If either one of these scenarios sound familiar, try taking an honest assessment of how you’re spending your time. Then, ask yourself these two questions:
1. “Am I able to be fully engaged and present in every activity of which I find myself a part?” If the answer is “No”, that may be your cue to reevaluate your commitments.
2. “Do I feel connected and happy after spending time in a specific activity?” If you feel sad or lonely or overwhelmed, you again may find it helpful to reevaluate your busy schedule.

Try these ideas to help you refocus and reduce overwhelm from busyness:
• Schedule in some “white space” on your calendar this week. We’re more likely to do the things
we plan for, so plan for unscheduled blocks of time.
• Look for natural ways to group similar tasks. Batching tasks prevents us from having to “switch
gears” as often and therefore saves time. It allows us to prevent additional time setting up for
similar tasks and improves focus.
• Make lists and keep your “To Do’s” somewhere besides your brain. Your day may be busy, but
your mind doesn’t have to be cluttered!

Being busy, active, and about the work God has set out for you to do individually, and as a part of the body of Christ is good. Allowing yourself to become so busy that your purpose feels muddled, however, can be a sign to slow down, allow yourself to reassess and rest. I love how author Mark Buchanan puts it, “Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness. They grow in rest.”

Do you view your glass as half empty or half full? Trying times can challenge us to rethink our expectations, values, and goals. Read this story of a gifted writer who lost virtually everything – to the point that his glass was nearly empty, and how he refilled his glass with faith.

John felt devastated when his father died weeks before his planned wedding. Lost forever was the opportunity to clink a champagne glass full of hope with his beloved Dad. Struggling with depression, John sought psychiatric care and started taking a common antidepressant. Despite a postponement, the wedding events resembled a Greek tragedy as John's depressive symptoms worsened to the point that the couple canceled their long-awaited honeymoon.

The Glass Half Empty
During the first weeks of marriage, John's psychiatrist ignored his complaints of confusion and agitation until he became delusional. Days after starting antipsychotic medication, he became more disoriented as he reported symptoms of blurred vision and flashing lights in his peripheral vision. His primary doctor and ophthalmologist dismissed his physical complaints as psychotic delusions. Desperate to please his boss, he worked for a week in this condition. On his last day at work, his new bride found him in the parking lot outside his office, kneeling on the cold December pavement and staring into his car, mumbling incoherently.

The next day, John's wife brought him to a local hospital emergency room, where he was admitted to the psychiatric unit. Branding him with the diagnosis of "schizoaffective disorder" (chronically depressed and psychotic), the hospital psychiatrist dosed him heavily with powerful antipsychotic medications. The hospital staff discharged John a week later in far worse condition than when he entered, with the dire predictions that he would never drive or work again. Too confused to sign his name to a check, drive, read, or write a coherent sentence, John reluctantly resigned from his full-time writing job of 25 years.

The Glass Shatters
In the following weeks, John lost virtually everything in his life – his friends, purpose, standing in the community, financial security, adequate health insurance, and identity. Even his outpatient psychologist and psychiatrist abruptly abandoned him shortly after he lost his means to pay their fees. His few brief social encounters reeked of awkward silences in his presence and judging whispers when he went outside to smoke, his only reprieve from his horror. Some people even criticized him for smoking, being lazy, or not "getting over" his problems. No question, his new trials tested his new marriage. In the throes of intense grief, he withdrew from the world." My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer by night, but I find no rest." (Psalm 22: 1-2)

The Glass Half Full
John’s wife set up a GoFundMe page to solicit funds to pay his hospital bill. Donations offered mainly by relatives and the local Lions Club enabled John to pay his immediate medical bills.

After a period of mourning, John sought effective treatment. With the help of an inspired neurologist, John learned that he suffered a stroke, probably during the last week at his job. Finally, a glimmer of hope sparkled as he learned he could recover with occupational therapy. John reconnected with the few supportive people willing to hold conversations with him.

He practiced speaking several hours weekly with his trusted life coach, a new therapist, a cousin, and his chiropractor's receptionist. He practiced reading aloud and driving daily with his wife. He enrolled in a drawing and writing class at the local community college. With much encouragement from his writing teacher, he even started writing again. Soon, he felt ready to pursue part-time or volunteer work. Now, he could imagine his glass becoming half full. "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40)

Refilling the Glass
After many community members ignored or refused his offers of volunteer service, John eventually landed a part-time job scrubbing pots and pans at a nursing home in a neighboring town. Soon, he delivered meals to nursing home residents in their rooms. They welcomed the opportunity to talk with him, even briefly. In time, his social skills improved enough to work at a neighboring town's health club facility. Following a demoralizing experience as a freelance writer, he gave up on writing and pursued rigorous training to become a licensed insurance producer. Upon passing his exams, he found an entry-level job working for a kind insurance agent in a neighboring town. His confidence grew. "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

With loving encouragement from his Dad's older sister, John risked another attempt at writing – a part-time position at his old job. The community members who previously shunned him grew impressed with his recovered talents. As his skills improved, John landed two more prominent writing gigs and a full-time sales job with health insurance benefits. Finally, with the help of supportive people, John started to recoup the losses he suffered to the point where his glass overflowed with hope. "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:12)

Dear Lord, please grant us the sensitivity and compassion to offer our friendship and support to everyone who struggles with behavioral health challenges. Amen.

Author: Jessica Loftus, Ph.D.
Image is under license from Shutterstock.com

by Jennifer Martin Rieck, LCPC

An Overview of Early Maladaptive Schemas and Schema Therapy

In the world of Schema Therapy, which is the type of therapy I practice, an Early Maladaptive Schema is an adaptive but harmful belief system, or blueprint for interpreting information, that underpins the way that someone processes new information. According to the theory of Cognitive Consistency, as humans we are hardwired to look for consistency in our beliefs and experiences, even if doing so causes us problems. An Early Maladaptive Schema is formed when we have early childhood experiences that we internalize as representing truth, or being how things are globally. This is an example of a cognitive distortion called Overgeneralization, which occurs when we come to a conclusion about a specific event and then apply it to other unrelated events. When someone experiences a loss, such as losing a caregiver or parent by death or divorce early in life, they often form the belief that people will always leave in the end. This scenario often results in an individual having an Abandonment schema, which later results in repeated experiences that enforce the schema due to the individual engaging in behaviors driven by the anxiety caused by such a belief.

For example, most of us are familiar with relationally insecure individuals commonly being referred to as having “abandonment issues”. These individuals are often so clingy or needy with partners or friends that the partner or friends ends up leaving the relationship or making boundaries that cause the individual to feel abandoned. Many times these individuals are misunderstood by themselves and others, as they are acting on strong feelings and automatic thoughts. Without processing when and how their Abandonment schema was formed, and how it might be at the root of their painful feelings, these individuals will tend to misinterpret current situations and engage in behaviors that result in them being re-injured time and time again. The goal of Schema Therapy is not to pretend that painful early childhood experiences haven’t occurred or that painful messages haven’t been internalized, but rather to fully explore and acknowledge those experiences, and the messages that we’ve taken away from them, in a way that prevents us from acting unconsciously and subsequently reliving the same painful scenarios over and over again.

An Introduction to Other-Directedness Schemas

Other-Directedness domain schemas of Subjugation, Self-Sacrifice, and Approval Seeking are three different Early Maladaptive Schemas that are evaluated for and treated as problematic in Schema Therapy due to the fact that they often underpin an individual’s anxiety and/or depression. Each of these three schemas have to do with being overly focused on the feelings, needs, opinions, and reactions of others. Individuals with high scores in these schemas tend to have poor boundaries and a distorted sense of responsibility. Overly focusing on others and being overly accountable for another person’s feelings, needs, behaviors, and attitudes, creates an unhealthy style of being in relationship with others. Focusing on what one cannot control removes an individual’s sense of power and prevents investing emotional energy where the person does have power.

Subjugation Schema

The schema of Subjugation has to do with feelings of inferiority regarding ones own needs and desires and a strong belief that it isn’t safe to express emotions. It makes sense that if someone grew up in an environment where it truly wasn’t safe to express emotions, because they had an angry or volatile parent or would be punished for doing so, that over time a child would begin suppressing and silencing their thoughts and feelings in order to feel safe or to prevent harm. However, this sort of chronic suppression often results in inner turmoil and anger, as an individual can’t articulate what they are truly feeling and thinking and subsequently can’t get their needs met. With this schema comes a lot of inner turmoil and frustration over what is okay to say and do and want and what isn’t.

Self-Sacrifice Schema

Self-Sacrifice schema is another very common harmful schema that often results from growing up in environment where the message they received from caregivers was that there was no room for their emotions due to the parent’s own limited emotional capacity or a parent being self-absorbed. When a parent reacts negatively to their child’s emotions it unfortunately sends the message that the child’s emotions are problematic and that if the child wants to be well-liked they shouldn’t need anything from others. The child takes away the message that they should be mature, independent, and self-sufficient. Unfortunately, adults with this schema often wind up with emotionally unhealthy partners and friends due to the fact that they don’t require empathy or understanding or accommodations from others. These individuals often become increasingly depressed and/or anxious because they spend all of their time focusing on the needs and feelings of others and suppressing their own. They often feel extremely guilty for holding others accountable due to the fact that they believe their job is to be of comfort to others and that there is no room for their emotions and needs.

Approval Seeking Schema

Approval Seeking is the third of the Other-Directedness schemas, and is pretty self-explanatory. Individuals who have high Approval Seeking schemas often wind up living inauthentic lives based on the preferences and desires of those around them. These individuals experience a lot of anxiety as they attempt to get the things they want only if they can garner the full support and affirmation of those close to them. It becomes very hard then for these individuals to make choices or make changes to their lives that would make them happy, because they can rarely get everyone on board with their ideas.

Regardless of which of the Other-Directedness schemas you have (or perhaps you even have all three), the research is clear that these belief systems, regardless of how “nice and considerate” they seem, are often what underpin the mental health struggles of many individuals. It is important work for individuals who struggle with these schemas to practice being self-validating and to really acknowledge the fact that having a healthy life and healthy relationships means being true to oneself. No amount of looking to others, whether it’s to avoid anger, care give or serve, or garner approval, will ever result in healthy, congruent decisions or healthy relationships. In fact, too often these schemas are the reason that relationships are unsatisfying and individuals feel unseen or lonely.

Healing Other-Directedness Schemas

If you struggle with any of the Other-Directedness schemas, your work is to become more self-focused and to only operate within your own boundary of responsibility. I often encourage my clients to constantly remind themselves to “stay in [their] lane”. The more somebody swerves into another’s lane and takes ownership for another’s issues, preferences, desires, and the more that someone attempts to manage other’s feelings, the more stressed and helpless they feel. Being self-focused and accountable increases a person’s internal locus of control, or their sense of having the power needed to effectively make changes to their life. Someone who is self-aware and practices being accountable for themselves, and not others, is able to put their energy to good use and create changes and make choices that support their identity and wellbeing and that improve their mental health.

Based on extensive research studies, it is evident that children on social media checking on their number of likes and followers have led to increased number of suicides (pre-COVID). Many children suffer from anxiety due to their activity on social media and feeling not good enough or unloved. Research says that the amount of time spent on social media negatively effects children’s well-being and mental health. However, there is good news…we have tips that may be benefit your children and family unit.

 Tip #1: Connection before Correction
o It is imperative that you establish a healthy relationship with your children before jumping right into rules. Rules without relationship leads to rebellious children. Talk with your children about the research studies mentioned above and engage in a dialogue to answer their questions.
 Tip #2: Delay social media until High School
o Although this is very difficult and you may get lots of push back from your children, it is beneficial to resist giving in. According to the Federal Trade Commission’s Children’s Online Privary Protection Act (COPPA) children are not legally permitted to be on social media until they are 13 years of age. There are lots of content that your children under the age of 13 should be restricted from viewing.
 Tip #3: Keep electronic devices out of the bedroom at night
o There have many horror stories of children getting into troubling situations after they turn in for the night having their phones with them in their beds. To help parents avoid unfortunate events from occurring, it is best practice to collect your children’s phones every night about an hour before bedtime. Watch out for your children making excuses of why they need their phones with them at night such as “But Mom, I need it for my alarm”. Be strong and keep their phones and buy them an alarm clock.

Provide your children with evidence-based research of why you are setting these ground rules surrounding their possession of a smart phone. You will be saving them from negative thoughts about themselves and prevent them from experiencing severe levels of anxiety and depression.

If the story of Samson is any indication, men can have all the God-given strength in the world and still be thwarted by our own temptations. No matter how strong we are physically or mentally it means nothing if we are not spiritually strong.

The only protection against sin is our reliance upon the Word and Power of God. If we turn to God in times of weakness, asking for guidance and protection, He will give us the wisdom and fortitude to overcome anything Satan throws at us.

That's why I love the story of Samson. Despite everything he's lost, despite everything he's been through, even in his last dying moment he finds strength in his weakness and relies on the Power of God to help him vanquish his enemies. Like Samson, we cannot fight the enemy alone. For us to heal, grow, and thrive we need the Power of God every step of the way.

What is gone in your life? What have you lost? What has gone away? What seems irretrievable?

Have your kids gone away to college?, Have one of your staff left? Has your status changed?, Are you grieving the way things used to be in life and at work?

All these questions are, in a sense, rhetorical in that they deal with losses that we have in life. It is important for us to grieve the stuff to understand the loss and the feelings around them.

Next step: Have you buried your loss? Given it away? Given it up? Given it over to God? Let it go?, Put it out of reach?, Let go of control?, Given responsibility away?, Let go of your freedom and privilege?, Let go of your entitlement? This important step allows for a clean break from your loss, at least for a season.

Last step. This is where we allow for resurrection. Perhaps the Phoenix bird arises from the ashes as it did after the Oakland fire. If you have any doubts go back and look at the beautiful houses in that neighborhood. Perhaps it's redemption or vindication for you or some you know. Perhaps you reinvent your career and reinvent yourself. Maybe you take on a new role at work. I know of a guy who was involved in a scandal at church. Today he helps ministers avoid finding themselves in that hot water. What resurrection are you waiting for? God is God of resurrection so don't forget to ask. Joseph, in Genisis, let's his old life die and be buried and then it's resurrected in his life in Egypt as VP of the country and reunification with his family.

Find help in identifying what may need to be grieved, buried and resurrected in some new form or another. A good friend, counselor or coach can help you do that.

Our Camp is a social skills camp and a summer camp.

Social Skills Camp
A social skills camp offers many benefits for children. Research shows that those who have better social skills and a higher EQ (emotional IQ) tend to do better at school, in friendships, and even in future jobs. Our social skills camp offers an experience that focuses on learning and practicing the social and emotional skills of Respect, Relationship Skills, Responsibility, Boundaries, Choices, and Consequences. We also teach and practice how to manage feelings using mindfulness and self-regulation skills. We do this all while working with horses!

Horse Camp
We are a horse camp too. Your child or teen will learn all about horses and how one’s intention and ability to manage emotions affect the ability to connect and lead horses. We partner the students up with the horses to practice problem-solving, social skills and self-regulation, and more. All the social skills that we teach are needed to be effective with horses so your child will not just be learning them but practicing these skills! We keep camps at a max capacity of 8 children so every child has a chance to learn and practice with a horse.

Horse Camp Dates:
June 12th-16th for 7-12 years old

July 17th-22nd for Teens

Go here to sign up:
https://www.hope-reins.com/blog/benefits-of-summer-camp

Now let’s get to the overall benefits of summer camp. We’ve got 10 of ‘em and they’re all good ones. Grab a cup of coffee or a snack because this is about to get very educational!

Top Ten Benefits of Summer Camp
1. Your child will get outdoors!

I don’t know about you but my mom would always kick me out of the house to play most days, but especially when the weather was nice. It was fun to play outside and explore. Nowadays this is harder to accomplish with fears about safety and competition with screens. Our camp is located on a beautiful 20-acre property 45 miles from Chicago. We have beautiful oak trees, hills, ponds, and of course horses. Your kid will be immersed in nature! Research has seemingly caught up with what moms seemed to know. There are numerous studies that show being outdoors just 2 hours a week (only 18 minutes a day) leads to improvement in both cognitive and emotional health in children and adults*. In a large study of children ages 0 to 10 years old, for those who spent more time outdoors, there was less risk for depression, mood disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse*. Those who had the least time outdoors had a 55% greater chance of being diagnosed with a mental illness later in life*. Scientists theorize that the more humans are out in nature, they develop a “sense of awe” and feel connected to something bigger than themselves*. And really it is just old fashioned fun!

2. Your child will get off screens:

While being outdoors has great benefits for the health and well-being of children, studies show the opposite for the effects of screen time. Children are more sedentary, experience less time outside, and have trouble interacting socially (i.e eye contact). A recent study showed an increase in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in preteens with more screen time. The study showed that for every hour of screen time, there was a 15% chance of developing OCD*. Another study showed children who are given screens to calm down have less ability to self-soothe or regulate emotions. I think children and teens who are on screens a lot can forget that being outside can be fun. Camp can be a great way to break this pattern.

3. Your child will practice independence:

Children have the chance to experiment with learning new things in a new way. Instead of being in the structured school experience with their usual friend groups; your child or teen will be given the opportunity to be independent, branch out, and explore new skills without judgment or preconceived notions. In our camp, children will have the opportunity to learn, brainstorm and practice the key concepts of emotional intelligence. They will have to master what empathy and connection are as they work with a horse. Horses won’t just automatically ‘connect’ but will assess each child’s ability to connect with them by how well they use the skills.

4. Your child will have fun:

Our camps also make sure that there is fun while learning new skills. Time at school is filled with tests, and performance pressure but our camps are filled with creative, fun, and unique experiences. So even while they are learning new concepts, we incorporate silly costumes and laughter in everything we do. It keeps the challenges fun and playful instead of overwhelming. And they get to see how horses also enjoy the fun!

5. Your child will practice teamwork:

Camps are typically organized in teams and encourage problem-solving and working together in creative and fun ways. Children get to see what they can do in a team vs individually. So while independence and individual activity are important, they will also practice how to be effective in a group. Since horses live in a herd, they are amazingly skilled at making sure everyone is working together as a team.

6. Your child will learn unique skills:

Camps are designed to introduce a skill, teach the skill, and then practice for a whole week. At our summer social skills camp, we focus on the skills of respect, empathy, emotional regulation, making healthy choices, fostering relationships, and setting healthy boundaries. Our facilitators are all counselors with master’s degrees and certified horse specialists with many years of experience. The horses provide honest and unbiased feedback right away. Your child will immediately know if they are practicing the skills of emotional intelligence. And since horses don’t hold grudges they will adjust as your child adjusts. All of this leads to empowerment as your child sees what works and what doesn’t. One of our favorite comments of all time is when a camper said, ‘It’s like the horses know exactly what we are learning for the day!”

7. Your child will get moving:

Most summer camps get kids moving in lots of fun ways, like hiking or canoeing. At our camp, we integrate movement and breathwork whether the students are walking in the pasture with a horse or stretching to relax their bodies. Since horses require a calm and congruent presence, your child will begin to develop body awareness and skills that help with managing their emotions. Movement can be key to self-regulation. And of course, we all know just like our moms did that physical activity is always healthy!

8. Your child will develop confidence:

Being away from home or their usual environment gives children and teens the opportunity to see what they are capable of. Many children don’t feel confident because they haven’t had the chance to try something new or different. Or perhaps they worry about being judged in school and feel stuck in the“box” of what others think of them. Camp allows participants to broaden their horizons. Since horses are animals of prey, they require a confident and calm presence to feel safe. If someone is pretending to be ok –smiling on the outside– but is really afraid or negative on the inside, the horse will know and will not feel safe. So in order to be effective in working with a horse, your child must practice what it takes to be determined inside and out. This leads to huge bursts of confidence when they see how they can lead a 1000-pound animal!

9. Your child will have new friend opportunities

All summer camps give children the opportunity to meet new people. Often they will get a chance to meet people from different racial or economic backgrounds. And some can become lifelong friends as camp friends often share unique and unforgettable experiences. In our camp, we are zeroing in on the skills it takes to start and maintain healthy friendships. For a child who struggles with developing friends, this camp focuses on developing social skills and managing anxiety that can stop them from trying. We also discuss how to have healthy boundaries so that they don’t sacrifice their values to just “have friends”.

10. Your child will be challenged to grow in a safe environment:

Our camps are led by a Master's-level counselor and at least one Certified Equine Specialist. This provides a high level of emotional and physical safety while challenging your child in a way that leads to growth. We have a curriculum that is designed to help children develop emotional intelligence. Your child will reap the benefits of individualized and group coaching from those who are specially trained in these areas. And research shows that as your child’s EQ improves, they tend to do better academically, socially, and in future jobs. We purposely keep groups small so each child has the chance to practice these skills individually and in the group with the horses. Instead of just hearing about these skills, campers get to practice using them with the horse. That leads to better learning and remembering!



*Sources:

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201608/nature-therapy

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0963721419854100

https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1807504116

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1054139X22007224

Caja de 64 tarjetas de terapia (5” x 3”) hermosas, motivadoras, inspiradoras, empoderadoras y edificantes del Dr. Remy Nelson, un psicoterapeuta líder que sirve a Florida y Nueva York. El Dr. Nelson ha estado ayudando a clientes durante muchos años, y sus tarjetas de terapia en inglés, cartes de thérapie (francés) y tarjetas de terapia (español) están diseñadas para ayudarlo a manejar sus sentimientos y mejorar la calidad de su día. Las tarjetas están recomendadas para jóvenes y adultos de todas las edades.
 
Pueden ayudarlo a enfrentar una variedad de desafíos de la vida, incluida la autoestima, la autoestima, no sentirse lo suficientemente bien, la ansiedad, la depresión, solo por nombrar algunos de los problemas que las tarjetas pueden ayudarlo a abordar. Puede usar las tarjetas cuando esté en terapia, contemplando ir a terapia o no planeando asistir a terapia en absoluto.
 
Cómo puedes usar las tarjetas: Hay 64 cartas en cada paquete de cartas (disponibles en inglés, español y francés). Use las tarjetas para establecer el tono de su día, para meditar, para  orar o simplemente leer. Puede sacar uno al día y leerlo por la mañana, por la tarde y por la noche antes de acostarse.

English Cards Link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K4HFR5P?ref=myi_title_dp

French Cards Link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KQ9K1DC?ref=myi_title_dp

Spanish Card Link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KQ77JRG?ref=myi_title_dp

Mental health thought of the day.

Today I want to take a moment to discuss a major mental health issue I find myself dealing with various clients. And that issue is Narcissistic abuse. Primarily the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist.
A lot of you who are on my Face Book page, my old Face Book Page, Second Chance Ministries and Wellness Centers new Face Book Page and the old Face Book page, know I am a Nationally Board Certified Clinical Christian Psychologist as well as the Senior and Head Pastor of SCMWC Those of you who know me personally know I am a Veteran from a dual service Navy/Army. You also know that I have three post graduate degrees, Doctorate in Clinical Psychology (PsyD), Doctorates in Religious Theological Studies with a dual minor in Biblical Studies/Ministries, and a Doctorates in Christian Psychology/ Christian Counseling with a dull emphasis in marriage and family dynamics and human behavior and trauma. I have always said you don’t wake up one day and say “ You know what? I think I am going to become a pastor and start my own Ministries and then I am going to add a Mental Health Center to it and practice Christian Counseling” You don’t just wake up and decided that. God calls you into Ministries, He tells you to start a Ministry and to add the Mental Health Clinic/ Wellness Center to it. He tell you in Scripture, That God new you before you were in the whom, He named You , He knows His plan for you and wants to bless you and see you prosper. In Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.”. Meaning is you are like me and thousands of others who have become victims of some sort of Domestic Violence from being in a Narcissistic relationship, and they have in some way continue to directly or indirectly control you , ( indirectly meaning through so call friends or family members , stalk social media or even have some kind of legal matter against you or on you ) Know this is you truly believe In Christ is your savior and you live your life in accordance to God purpose for you and the Kingdom. Rest assure this Scripture will apply to you and it will take place soon if it hasn’t already. Another scripture that goes right along with Isaiah 54:17 is Proverbs 16:7 “When people's lives please the LORD, even their enemies are at peace with them.” Once again in accordance with God purpose for you and the Kingdom if it hasn’t all ready happened , one day when God says the time is right those who did you wrong or abused you will come to you and beg for forgiveness and will sincerely apologize to you for what they did to you and how they treated you. God is a gentleman He can not and will never lie to you , leave you or forsake you. His word is absolute truth and you can trust and believe what God says and tells you will come to past. God timing is perfect and always , always right on time.
What makes the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist so different then all other types of Narcissist is they play, act, and appear to be the “ nice guy/woman”. But are masters at deception and always playing the victim. I will go way more in depth about Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist, here in a little bit below. But first I want to say this, The number one thing all Narcissist absolutely hate and can not stand what so ever is when their victims i.e. you and those of you who can relate to this post , Over come the devastating hurt and pain the caused us. They hate and cant stand we have moved on with our lives, become genuine happy, we have rebuilt and better newer stronger life than before. We are more successful and we did it because they help us become who we are now simply by trying to destroy us. A couple other things about Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist most of the time but not all the time these type of Narcissist have undiagnosed BPD all so known as Boarder Line Personality Disorder. And some experts say the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist are not born this way but are made this way by childhood trauma or early adulthood trauma, sometimes both. Experts also say that a Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist also more than likely do develop some form of BPD. They may have some if not all the markers of BPD. Now being a follower and having been Chosen by God Himself a few things will happen is not all ready happing to our ex the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist. Their world since they discarded us has and is falling apart and will continue to do so until God brings them back into your life so they can apologize and ask for forgiveness. Don’t believe me! If you by chance or for whatever reason have some kind of contact either direct or indirect. Say social media or know someone who knows them. You will see a pattern by things going on in their life. And when you put two and two together you start to see, they genially regretting how they treated you and what they did to you. Especially if they where the type of person who actually for once turned to God and prayed for a person like you or I . Here the thing about prayers being answered. When you pray for someone and God sends them to you and you treat them like we where treated and discarded We are latterly telling God we know better then He does and what He gave us in answering our Prayers wasn’t good enough. . With that being said how do you think or imagine God is and will deal with them just off the account how they disregard and tossed a Blessing away like it was not good enough for them. Then lets factor in on how they Treated us knowing we were the ones God sent to them to answer their prayers. One can say in accordance to scripture God will never answer the same prayer twice or ever again. Two God will allow all kinds of bad things to happen in their lives to simply teach them a lesson. He not punishing them He is teaching them a lesson and not take blessings and answered Prayers for granted.
Genuine kind good hearted people like ourselves are rare. There isn’t a whole lot of us around. God purposely made very few of us for a reason. And don’t think for a moment or full yourself that you are not on their mind since the discard you are. On the surface they make it look life is going good and great for them but on the inside they are hurting really bad, they cant forget about you, they certainly can not forgive themselves and the have or are starting to realize that you were actually the one they Asked God to send them, there for if it hasn’t set in all ready regret will start to come< Remember they cant help who and what they are they suffer from some kind of trauma (I go into this when I go more in depth about the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist. Pray for them, Pray that God heals them, works on them, and changes them, Like he did for us. Don’t blame them for anything they have do to you. Instead look at it as what they did for you. They helped you become a better version of you. Herman Hese said it the best “if you hate a person, you hate something in them that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us” . In my years of being a Mental Health Professional and working with people who have BPD, or some sort of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I have come to see a pattern and that pattern is. The Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist is a “good person” abuser they are more concerned with looking like a good person rather than actually being a good person. And the fact that we are genuine good hearted people by nature as God made us they hate us for it because they don’t truly know how to be one, do to trauma. They only know who to pretend to be a good person.

The Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist and why its so difficult to heal and recover from them after the discard.

There are many types of Narcissist Classifications, never the less what ever their sub classification is a Narcissist has a mental disorder Called NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The insidious Hypocritical and the Covert Narcissist share very similarities:
Both are very dangerous, neither one of these types of Narcissists are not obvious hypocrites like your typical Narcissist are. No both these types of Narcissists are obsessed with having an image that they are good people, honorable, kind and full of integrity. On the surface and on the out side they seem to embody these qualities. Especially to the masses. The people very close to them are usually the only ones who knows the monster behind the mask. But not always some times those closes to these types of Narcissist are fooled for a long period of time, or unless it really hits the fan and something happens to expose them. They are expert actors and Liars. These are the most insidious characters because they appear to be the exact opposite of the image they portray. This is a Covert Narcissist is often called a insidious Hypocritical Narcissist.
The covert Narcissist will always play the victim no matter what. They act like the are so empathetic, but in reality they do not nor do they have any real empathy. They have a humble demeanor and appear vulnerable and sensitive, but upon closer observation, you will come to see the intense resentment and jealousy they have towards others. They do things for others, such as build them up mentally emotionally financially even spiritually , however they always expect something in return. Be it a lot of praise or some sort of future obligation. Their reputation of bine the “Nice Guy/Girl” is everything to them. Their image means more to them then actual reality. They have a passive aggressive nature, and never deal with any form of conflict in a healthy direct manner. They can seem to be the most caring sensitive person in the world. Only to realize they are only sensitive and caring when it comes to themselves.
Typically covert Narcissist play a victim of domestic violence in some sort of since. They always call other people Narcissist to take the true image off of themselves. They even go as far as making up lies and stories about their victims(Supply) to the point they get domestic violence restraining orders on them.
The reason the Covert Narcissist is so much more damaging than a Overt narcissist is because for on the covert has a nice vulnerable persona so no one believes you. They are experts at playing the victim. They will “admit” the truth about what they did just to get fired from a job and throw co-workers under the bus, then turn around and make it seem you are the one to blame for them to get fired from their job. Or they play the victim so well that sometimes they make even make you feel guilty for things they are saying doing or how they are acting. The abuse ( typically mentally verbally and emotionally) is so insidious that it takes you a much longer time to realize you are the one in fact the one being abused. They come across to you and everyone else around them as the complete opposite of being the “Bad person” so you and others around them genuinely thing they are a good person, sometimes for long periods of time ( It literally hurts more when you realize they exact type of person they truly are because you are in utter disbelief, and shock) The cognitive dissonance is beyond through the roof. ( So much confusion nothing makes since ) Since everyone thinks they are such a great person, you get confused and sometimes doubt yourself. They are such great manipulators, liars, and play the victim and the “nice and innocent” one so well they can and will convince others you are the one doing all the wrong things and abuse to them. They are by far some of the best actors who have spent their whole lives appearing to be someone else. They even do good things for people. Typically these type of Narcissist are “Made” meaning some sort of past trauma has re-wired their brains for protection and in conjunction they may also suffer from BPD boarder line personality disorder.
Trauma changes who we are and how we relate to people. You no longer feel safe in world or in your own skin. Everyone and everything is a potential threat. You are always on high alert all the time and don’t even realize it. You are always in survival mode. And you don’t recognize it or realize it because your body has become accustomed to living this way.
This is how and why typically a covert Narcissist goes undiagnosed with BPD and are so hard to discover. Because they use the trauma they have endured either from childhood or early adulthood as a mask and cover up for their Narcissistic behavior and why they are the worse type of Narcissistic abuse to recover from. In the end at some point in your relationship you have experienced the typical narcissistic classic behavior such as love bombing, shaming, twisting and turning the narrative around making you out to be the one to blame, gaslighting, the smear campaign, the sudden discard, and finally you are the “bad person” who abused them.

I recently came across a beautiful statement on a dear friend’s Instagram story. She wrote, “One Who Has Hope Lives Differently.” To be honest, I was procrastinating starting this blog post and decided to look for some “inspiration” on the app. Oh how the Lord provides. These six words stopped me in my tracks (or scrolling rather) and led me on a search to find out where this quote came from.

As it turns out, this line was taken from a writing by the late Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. Our beloved Pope Emeritus died in December 2022, so it seems fitting to honor him in this month’s message. In his work titled, "Spe Salvi" or "Saved in Hope," Pope Benedict declares, “The one who has hope lives differently; the one who hopes has been granted the gift of a new life.”

In some ways I think it’s hard to put into words what living differently actually looks like. I believe you know it when you see it though. With that being said, we can look to the example of Pope Benedict himself as a man who lived differently and chose hope in the face of great sorrow and tragedy. During his youth he witnessed the horrific presence of the Nazi regime in his hometown and the influence it had on his family and local parish. His faith and love of the Lord fueled his desire to remain hopeful and continue in his pursuit of truth and goodness.

Saint Paul is another example of a man who lived differently. While under intense persecution he wrote the following words to the Thessalonians,

We do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters,
about those who have fallen asleep,
so that you may not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.
For if we believe that Jesus died and rose,
so too will God, through Jesus,
bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “Hope keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment; it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude” Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], 1997, para. 1818. Hope is an act of the will and it is a choice for all those who grieve. One who lives with hope believes that death does not have the final word. One who has hope lives with the expectation of eternity and the joy of seeing their loved ones again.

My friend who shared these words is certainly no stranger to grief as she mourns multiple losses in her own life. Through her example I can see that she lives life differently because of her hope. The clients that I have the honor to journey with also inspire me with the ways they choose trust over fear and faith over despair. It’s my desire that you can also call to mind someone you know who inspires you with their hope. Let’s say a prayer of thanksgiving for them now and ask for a blessing of endurance on their journey.

Information on Pope Benedict XVI’s life and the "Spe Salvi" full text can be found on the Vatican’s website, http://www.vatican.va.

Catechism of the Catholic Church (2nd ed.). (1997). Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

By RACHEL DOLLARD

Good Grief

Charlie Brown famously expressed his dissatisfaction by exclaiming “good grief!” when his circumstances became unfavorable. This phrase is synonymous with feeling annoyed, bummed, or frustrated. The same feelings that can arise when trying to cope with the loss of a loved one. We are creatures that were divinely designed for connection and when that connection is lost, we experience deep pain and grief.

Experiencing grief is part of the universal human experience. As Christians, we have faith that death is not the end. We have hope in the resurrection and eternal life. However, this does not mean we are immune to the pain of grief. In fact, as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we may feel, even more intensely, the separation and loss of connection from the departed, and find little encouragement in faith and hope of eternal life. This struggle is a natural part of the healing journey. Feeling torn between two truths, feeling hopeless under the overwhelming pain of the life lost, and hopeful putting trust in life everlasting.

The Bible offers comfort and guidance in times of grief. Jesus himself understood sorrow, as he wept alongside the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). This shows that even with the knowledge that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, Jesus understood the pain of His followers and mourned alongside them because it is a natural and appropriate response to grieve when we lose someone that we love. There is no timeline suggesting that grief can only last for a moment. Some of us may spend a lifetime grieving a loss. Being able to identify feelings of grief and appropriately mourning is a step toward healing.

Feelings of grief can look like:

DENIAL

• Avoidance
• Shock
• Numbness
• Shutting Down
• Keeping Busy

ANGER

• Irritability
• Impatience
• Frustration
• Resentment
• Passive-aggressive behavior

BARGAINING

• Guilt
• Shame
• Blame
• Fixated on past or future
• Should have, could have, would have thinking

DEPRESSION

• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Reduced interest in activities
• Changes to sleep and appetite
• Reduced energy

ACCEPTANCE

• Understanding
• Compassion
• Vulnerability
• Present in the here & now
• Connecting with others

As Christians, we are invited to weep with those that weep (Romans 12:15) and to comfort one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18) as the grieving journey can feel long and lonely.
We are called to love one another (John 13:34) and support each other in times of grief. As members of the body of Christ, we can bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and share in each other’s sorrows. We were not designed to go through the stages of grief alone. Community after loss is necessary to heal and find comfort.

How to build connection after a loss:
• Start therapy with a grief counselor
• Attend a grief process group
• Volunteer your time at local community site
• Go on a walk or hike with a friend
• Talk to someone about difficult feelings

Finally, in the midst of grief it is important to turn to God and seek His comfort and peace. Accepting pain as a part of life can help make room for uncomfortable feelings. Faith in a Higher Power relinquishes the need to understand why the loss happened, and instead offers us peace, through acceptance, that there is something greater waiting for our loved ones. Seek a counselor that utilizes Acceptance and Commitment based techniques to help with taking the first step in practicing acceptance as you grieve.

Ways to practice acceptance:

• Allow space for unwanted and uncomfortable feelings
• Research mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or mediation, to help you stay present in the here and now
• Practice separating yourself from your inner experience by recognizing your thoughts are just thoughts and begin to let go of the intense power they can have over you
• Ground yourself in your values, such as faith, family or community, to find the motivation to move forward in the action of acceptance
• Commit to one behavior that will help you move closer toward practicing acceptance, such as attending therapy to build community.

Many assume that reducing alcohol or drug use is simply a matter of willpower and that all a person needs to do is just stop. This perspective can limit the motivation of the person trying to make changes in their using habits. Since often times, the sober curious person will relapse into old habits and then experience guilt or shame because they are not strong enough to stop.

Common misconceptions about addiction are:

• Stopping is a matter of willpower
• People choose to stay addicted and relapse
• Weak people struggle with addiction
• Addiction only affects certain groups and populations of people
• Functioning and stable people cannot develop harmful using patterns
• Rehab fixes everything
• You have to hit rock-bottom, end up in jail or be hospitalized to decide to change habits
• Only bad people drink or use drugs

These myths can prevent someone from seeking help because the misconception is that the addicted person is seen as weak, powerless and unfit to participate as a member in society. Instead of believing that there is hope, sober curious individuals will stay stuck in harmful patterns.

Thankfully, there has been an increase in the awareness of the truth behind addiction. Professionals are being taught harm-reduction techniques to help individuals achieve recovery goals.

Facts about addiction:

• Using habits can affect the reward system part of the brain, which alters the ability to practice discipline and willpower
• Addiction is not a choice, many factors contribute to developing a habit, such as; environmental, psychological and physical factors, family history, and early childhood experiences
• A struggle with addiction is not a sign of weakness but a consequence of various factors
• Addiction does not discriminate
• Anyone can function and still struggle
• Treatment can help with learning new ways to cope but sometimes it takes time to discover what will be the most helpful
• Anytime is the right time to make changes to harmful habits
• Using is not a reflection of poor character, it is a disease, bad people don’t get sick

Seeking support for yourself or a loved one is the first step toward making meaningful change. Regardless of wanting to stop completely or explore how habits affect life, therapy is a great place to start that journey. There are many faith-based 12-Step Recovery Groups available in-person and online. Individuals and their families no longer have to enter the battle of addiction alone. A licensed therapist can help process all the factors that influence using patterns and help create a plan for success.

Anxiety is a common mental health challenge that affects millions of people around the world. It can be characterized by feelings of worry, fear, and apprehension, often accompanied by physical symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweating, and difficulty breathing. While anxiety can be a normal response to stressful situations, it can also be a debilitating condition that interferes with daily life. Many people who struggle with anxiety find comfort and support in their faith. In this blog post, we will explore the relationship between anxiety and faith, and how faith can provide a source of comfort and healing for those who suffer from anxiety.

Anxiety and Faith: Understanding the Connection

Anxiety can be a complex and multifaceted condition, with many different causes and contributing factors. From a faith perspective, anxiety can be linked to feelings of fear and uncertainty, as well as a lack of trust in God. Many people who struggle with anxiety may feel that they are alone in their struggles, or that they are somehow inadequate or unworthy. These feelings can be compounded by cultural or societal pressures to appear strong and capable, even in the face of adversity.

Faith can play an important role in helping individuals to cope with anxiety by providing a sense of comfort and support. By placing trust in God, individuals can find strength and hope in the midst of their struggles. Faith can also provide a sense of community and connection, as individuals come together to support one another and share their experiences.

Practical Strategies for Coping with Anxiety through Faith

For those who struggle with anxiety, faith can provide a powerful source of comfort and healing. Below are some practical strategies for coping with anxiety through faith:

Pray and Meditate: Prayer and meditation can be powerful tools for managing anxiety. By taking time to connect with God, individuals can find peace and comfort in the midst of their struggles. Prayer and meditation can also help to quiet the mind and reduce feelings of worry and fear.

Seek Support: Building a community of support can be an important part of managing anxiety through faith. This can include attending religious services or support groups, connecting with a spiritual mentor or counselor, or simply reaching out to friends and family for support.

Practice Self-Care: Taking care of oneself is essential for managing anxiety through faith. This can include practicing mindfulness, getting enough rest and exercise, and eating a healthy diet. It can also include engaging in activities that bring joy and meaning, such as spending time in nature, listening to music, or volunteering.

Reframe Negative Thoughts: One of the keys to managing anxiety through faith is to reframe negative thoughts and beliefs. Rather than focusing on fear and worry, individuals can choose to focus on faith, hope, and love. By replacing negative thoughts with positive ones, individuals can begin to shift their mindset and find new sources of strength and resilience.

Practice Gratitude: Practicing gratitude is a powerful way to manage anxiety through faith. By focusing on the blessings and abundance in one's life, individuals can shift their focus away from worry and fear. This can include keeping a gratitude journal, saying prayers of thanksgiving, or simply taking time each day to reflect on the good things in life.

Conclusion

Anxiety can be a challenging and debilitating condition, but it is also a condition that can be managed and overcome. For those who struggle with anxiety, faith can provide a powerful source of comfort and healing. By placing trust in God, individuals can find strength and hope in the midst of their struggles. By practicing prayer, seeking support, engaging in self-care, reframing negative thoughts, and practicing gratitude, individuals can manage their anxiety and find peace and fulfillment in their lives.

The stages of grief can be hard to process. Let us help you grieve in a healthy environment by joining our online grief & loss support group on the 2nd Wednesday of each month at 7pm.

Please call the office at 513-268-7153 to register.

You are not defined by substance abuse issues. We're here to walk with you in your journey of sobriety.

Please join our online support group on the 1st Friday of the month.

Please call the office at 513-268-7153 to register.

Domestic Violence is not an option for you! We are here to listen.

Please join our online support group on the 2nd and 4th Friday of the month (February, March, and April).

Please call the office at 513-268-7153 to register.

Why am I Like This? Jesus Christ the Wonderful Counselor

Book Description:
Do you often ask yourself this question, “Why am I like this?” You see things you don’t like about yourself and wonder how you can become a better person. This book explains our inborn temperaments and the strengths and weaknesses within each one. It also focuses on character defects. The author gives helpful tips on how to improve one’s character along with the flaws within each temperament trait. She describes Jesus Christ as being the Wonderful Counselor who can help us become better people. She provides powerful prayers to help you overcome sin, flaws, and painful emotions so that you can be a healthy and productive individual.

FREE Communication workshop based on compassionately connecting to others. If you would like to revamp your relationships and connect with those around you on a deeper level, come check out our workshop! Available in-person and on zoom.

WHEN? Jan 23-Feb 13 every Monday night at 6pm PST

WHERE? 230 Vernon Street Arroyo Grande CA 93420

WHO? Dr. Vicki Nelson and Kristin Martinez

WHAT? Improving communication for all ages

COST? FREE

To sign up: text “workshop” to (805) 709-0885

How many times have you heard someone who is struggling say, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me? This is often said without understanding what Paul, who wrote these words actually meant. Paul had just written of blessings he received as well as the adversity he had faced in the work he did in the proclamation of the gospel of his Lord Jesus Christ. One commentator states, "(Paul) makes it perfectly clear that this contentment did not arise from his own inherent or innate resources. Quite the reverse. His self-sufficiency was entirely due to the sufficiency of Another, and so it was very different from that of the Stoic. The preposition ἐν has been taken in an instrumental sense to denote personal agency (= ‘through [him who strengthens me]’), but, while this is possible, it is probably better to understand the phrase in an incorporative sense, that is, ‘in vital union with the one who strengthens me’, with the implication that the One who so strengthens Paul is Christ. Later scribes inserted the word Χριστῷ and so made explicit the apostle’s intention. ἐνδυναμόω (‘to strengthen’) is employed elsewhere in the Pauline corpus to describe the mighty work of the exalted Christ in the lives of individual believers. 1

Most cherry-pick this verse while missing the meat of the chapter. In verse 14 Paul says, while the above is true, "I thank you for standing with me in my trouble. Here the commentator states, "Paul turns from his discussion of learning to be content (4:11–13) and returns to the important theme of partnership.2

You see this is the meat of the chapter. We are not in the work of sharing the gospel on our own. We belong to a congregation of brothers and sisters who share in this work. Earlier in Philippians Paul tells us, "Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. (2:4) We are called to be shoulders to lean on for those who are suffering, and struggling with the tribulation of this world. It is also important for those who are struggling to reach out for aid and not try in pride to be a lone ranger proclaiming "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!" in an attempt to be stoic.


2. Hansen, G. W. (2009). The Letter to the Philippians (p. 315). William B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

1. O’Brien, P. T. (1991). The Epistle to the Philippians: a commentary on the Greek text (pp. 526–527). Eerdmans.

Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) is a type of psychotherapy that emphasizes acceptance as a way to deal with negative thoughts, feelings, symptoms, or circumstances. It also encourages increased commitment to healthy, constructive activities that uphold your values or goals.

ACT therapists operate under a theory that suggests that increasing acceptance can lead to increased psychological flexibility. This approach carries a host of benefits, and it may help people stop habitually avoiding certain thoughts or emotional experiences, which can lead to further problems.

Unlike cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the goal of ACT is not to reduce the frequency or severity of unpleasant internal experiences like upsetting cognitive distortions, emotions, or urges. Rather, the goal is to reduce your struggle to control or eliminate these experiences while simultaneously increasing your involvement in meaningful life activities (i.e., those activities that are consistent with your personal values).

This process involves six components:

Acceptance: This means allowing your inner thoughts and feelings to occur without trying to change them or ignore them. Acceptance is an active process.

Cognitive defusion: Cognitive defusion is the process of separating yourself from your inner experiences. This allows you to see thoughts simply as thoughts, stripped of the importance that your mind adds to them.

Self as context: This involves learning to see your thoughts about yourself as separate from your actions.

Being present: ACT encourages you to stay mindful of your surroundings and learn to shift your attention away from internal thoughts and feelings.

Values: These are the areas of your life that are important enough to you to motivate action.

Commitment: This process involves changing your behavior based on principles covered in therapy.

ACT may be effective in treating:

Anxiety
Depression
Eating disorders
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
Stress
Substance use
Psychosis

One core benefit of ACT is the impact it has on psychological flexibility. Psychological flexibility is the ability to embrace your thoughts and feelings when they are useful and to set them aside when they are not. This allows you to thoughtfully respond to your inner experience and avoid short-term, impulsive actions, focusing instead on living a meaningful life.

Psychological flexibility can improve your ability to accept and function with symptoms of conditions like anxiety or depression. Often, those symptoms may lessen significantly as a result of this, increase in psychological flexibility,

ACT is sometimes referred to as a "third wave" or "new wave" psychotherapy. The term "third wave" treatment refers to a broad spectrum of psychotherapies that also includes:

Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)
Schema therapy
Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT)

Historically, third-wave treatments were seen as particularly appropriate for people who were not benefiting from pre-existing treatments like classical CBT. However, it is now believed that for some individuals, a third-wave therapy option may make sense as a first-line treatment.

Tracy Taris’ Many Voices, One Truth teaches the reader to discern the voices that vie for our attention: Self, Satan, Society, & the Savior.

Many Voices, One Truth is filled with practicals to teach the reader how to enter a space of quiet so that one can hear that “still small voice” of our Lord & Savior, Jesus Christ.

I Ate the Cake: A Journey for Justice is a nonfiction narrative crafted memoir. The journey of the author's decisions to surrender her fears, desires to retaliate, and personal career aspirations become the opportunity to bring change. Change in the leadership who orchestrated neglect of children and employees trusted in their care. A change that is much needed.

In her debut writing, I Ate the Cake: A Journey for Justice, Darline Amos-McElroy poignantly describes her faith walk with a balance of encouragement for the reader. The author shares her internal struggles to apply spiritual lessons in two hostile workplace environments within the same school district. Finally, Darline realizes that she must take a stand amid her influences. Most importantly, she must have the faith to trust God despite the obstacles.

Darline Amos-McElroy currently resides with her husband, Pastor Robert B. McElroy, and their four children in the suburbs of Dallas, Texas.

Every Friday evening at 7PM PST I have the honor of leading Lifelines Recovery Program. Lifelines is an award winning, nationally recognized faith based recovery meeting for anyone affected by addiction issues (and their family members).

Lifelines meets at The Crossing Church located at 2115 Newport Blvd. Costa Mesa, CA. It is also live-streamed on the official Lifelines Facebook page located here: https://www.facebook.com/LifelinesRecovery.

Every Friday we have amazing speakers including therapists, pastors, authors, psychologists, etc. Past speakers include Dr. Daniel Amen, Dr. John Townsend and many other highly respected mental health and addiction professionals who are faith based.

Email randy@randymoraitis.com for more info.

“I can’t believe you are thinking about homeschooling! Don’t you know that your kids are going to grow up to hate you, rebel against, and worst of all…….THEY WON’T HAVE SOCIAL SKILLS!!!!”


If you are a homeschool mom or dad chances are you have heard comments similar to these. These comments might sting coming from a random person on Facebook. However, they hurt more when it comes from your friends and family. These type of comments may make you think twice about whether you are doing the right thing. If you are considering homeschooling then you may not want to do it in order to avoid the wrath of the social skills mob. In this post I want to address how to handle anxiety when you are a homeschool mom.


Let me start with the question of why? Why are you homeschooling? If you’re reading this and haven’t started out why should you? If you’re reading this and hate homeschooling why are you reading this article? To begin to address these “why” questions let’s start with the purpose of education. While the crowd reading this may be different, most of us went to public schools. For the sake of clarity, I went to public school growing up. I cannot tell you how many times when I was in school the topic of making it into a good college was discussed. “You have to get a good score on your ACT in order to get into a good school and receive scholarships.” “You have to graduate in order to get a good job.” And “you have to have a good job in order to have a productive life.”

To oversimplify: the public school reasons for education are:

1. Graduate

2. Go to college

3. Get a good job.

Is this an oversimplification? Absolutely. But I believe this is a fair representation of the public school approach. To be fair, none of these reasons are bad. I think graduating, going to college and getting a good job are fine things. However, this is not the reason for education. Education is the process of learning more about God’s creation and how to steward his creation.


Simply put, this is God’s world. We are just living in it. Homeschooling allows the ability to teach your children from this worldview. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to make your homeschooling a glorified Sunday School where the answer is always “Jesus!” Education can be playing in the dirt to learn about the ants God created. Learning more about God’s world and how to appropriately interact in it is education at its core.


Homeschooling has been around for some time. When I was a kid in the 90’s the stereotype was only weird kids in long skirts homeschooled. If you’re a weird kid in a long skirt reading this then I mean no harm! However, homeschooling is growing rapidly in popularity. This is true across the country but is certainly happening in Oklahoma and Texas. I believe in this post COVID world this trend will continue. When the lockdowns hit in March 2020 public schools started doing virtual learning. Many parents started to realize the benefit of being present with their kids during their schooling. Some moms realized the joy in helping their kids with their education and figured they could keep doing this even after the restrictions were lifted. Others were horrified to see the scary worldviews their children’s teachers were imposing on them. Still others yet didn’t send their kids back due to all the restrictions. Regardless of whatever your reason is for homeschooling I want you to take time to answer “why?” Why were you initially drawn to homeschooling? Why are you continuing to do it? Why are you constantly going back and forth about whether you should homeschool or not? I will not and cannot answer this question for you. However, figuring out your why is the basis of where we go. If your answer to this question is rock solid then we need to figure out ways to make your homeschooling experience the best it can be. If your answer is shaky or you don’t have it yet then don’t fret! Take your time and figure out your “why.” There is no time period on how long this should take. What is important is that you answer it.


Once you know the why then move toward protecting your answer. For instance, if your why is “I want my children to have a biblical worldview in their education” then let’s find ways to make that happen. Many times homeschool moms get stuck in their head. They may start feeling anxious related to how others view them. It is important to have an active mindset. Anxiety is very passive in nature. You are stuck inside of your head just living in doubt. This is why I wanted you to start with your “why” question. When your answer is rock solid then doubting just stops you from accomplishing your goal.

However, be careful with well meaning advice such as “Be kind to yourself” and “You’re a great mom. Keep believing that.” Now, at face value these are fine statements. I’m certainly not getting on to you if you say that or share things like that on social media. My concern is what it can lead into. It can start getting into a type of self reliance and almost a New Age type of spirituality. Allie Beth Stucky has a wonderful book called You're Not Enough (And That's Okay): Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love

This book helps show some of these concerns of what these type of sayings can lead into. The fact of the matter is you aren’t enough. I’m not enough. No one is enough! But guess who is? Jesus! So, instead of looking into your inner power, look towards Christ! Here is a wonderful verse to help address anxiety and what to do when you experience it.


Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. (Philippians 4:6 ESV)

I love the ESV version and use it for most all of my Bible reading. However, there are some words that you need to wrestle with a bit more due to the translations more literal nature. When you read the word supplication in the above verse it means to ask or beg for something earnestly or humbly. When you ask things it has to come from that spirit of humility. Sometimes when I ask for things I do it from a place of entitlement. Like I deserve to have whatever I am praying for. But this is from the wrong place. We need to be like a beggar. Someone pleading for help from an extremely humble position. Again, you are not enough. But Christ is! Keep that in mind when you have another bout of anxiety.

This article consists of excerpts from the Introduction to the book entitled PACE to Peace: Finding Inner Rest in a World of Unrest.This book is a tool to facilitate transformation of the inner person. Why is inner peace only possible through constant change? The an swer will become apparent as you read, study, and apply the truth found here. We will explore themes discussed in the Bible, especially the book of Hebrews that directly connects our relationship with God and the quality of the inner rest of our souls (see Hebrews 12:14-15, 3:1-12). Increasing the quality of our relationship with God requires constant realignment of our thoughts, actions, and patterns of behavior (Romans 12:1-2). Transformation and sanctification are processes of consistently reordering our old attitudes, beliefs, and standards of living to align with God’s. 

“Pursue peace with all men, and the sanctification without which no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be
defiled” (Hebrews 12:14-15 NASB). Looking at these verses in context of the book of Hebrews from the beginning of the chapter to the point where they appear, the sanctification of our soul emerges as a very dominant theme. Faith is defined in the previous chapter, Chapter 11, in the passage best known for introducing the “heroes of faith.” Chapter 12 offers specifics of how faith is lived out.

First, Jesus is the “founder” AND “perfecter” of our faith (see Hebrews 12:2, ESV). The Passion Translation (TPT) expresses it as, “Jesus who birthed faith within us and who leads us forward into faith’s perfection”—that is, completion. There is a beginning and a completion to faith in Christ. Believing in Jesus at a conversion experience begins a process of completing faith’s work the remainder of our lives.
Secondly, verses 4-11 speak of growing, as children grow in their Father’s (parents’) care. Growth involves change and stretching of what is, into what it needs to become. The growth process requires discipline. A commitment to this kind of change brings about joy and peace.

Now to verses 14-15, quoted above. Sanctification is explicitly mentioned “without which no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14). Without completion of faith in Jesus through the sanctification pro
cess (change and growth through discipline toward holiness), we have no faith at all. This ongoing change is to be pursued, intentionally sought, and not merely expected to happen on its own. Moreover, this process is intrinsically linked back to our conversion to faith in Christ, and forward to establishing the conditions for our inner peace.

Bible Says Much About Peace

God’s purposes and plans for peace are far greater than our personal experiences of escaping the feelings of unrest inside. However, our inner life is very important to God. So important that he commands complete surrender of our ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving in exchange for his. The psalmist reflects, “Those who love Your law have great peace, and nothing causes them to stumble” (Psalm 119:165; NASB). God’s ways are superior to human ways. We are wise to accept this truth, “How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. Her ways are pleasant ways, and all her paths are peace” (Proverbs 3:13,17 NASB).

Jesus himself had some things to say about peace. Jesus didn’t come into the world to chase away conflict (see Matthew 10:24). He came to deliver us from enslavement to conflict. First, the conflict that exists within our own soul, and the conflict that puts us at war (sometimes literally) with people around us. Without Christ, conflict is inevitable within, but with and through Christ conflict is, was, and will be an nihilated. Since the first sin of mankind, conflict within and conflict without (our environment) are built into the default nature of every human being. Putting our faith and trust in Jesus means we are yielding to his power to remove the grip of unrest in lost parts of our souls.
Often at the root of conflict is bitterness. Bitterness is created by the seeds of failed expectations, disappointments, regret, hurt, or offense. Roots of bitterness are specifically mentioned in these verses in Hebrews as destructive anti-growth agents. Bitter roots are weeds that will “defile” (reduce the productivity of the garden of our hearts). Bitter roots can take the form of ill-willed thoughts, envy, jealousy, malice, slander, and the like. The critical, condemning thoughts and opinions turn into blame, resentment, hatred and even sometimes revenge.

Our tendency to want to rule our own fate causes our failure to trust God to work all circumstances for good. God’s justice demands that only he can sit on the throne as Judge. Our demands to think and act as Judge create conflict. The rebellion against God at the core of this conflict is why the “Prince of Peace,” Messiah Jesus, came to this earth (see Isaiah 9:6).

Conversion AND Convergence

This goes to the heart of the gospel message. Luke records Jesus as saying, “For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost” (Luke 19:10 NKJV). Until recently, like most Christians, I thought of “lost” souls coming to faith in Jesus in a conversion experience as the full extent of interpreting the meaning of this statement in Luke 19.
However, God is challenging me with a deeper understanding. The inner peace stolen by the enemy of our soul with the entry of sin into the world is part of the loss that Jesus came to redeem. Through the transformation and sanctification process, the seeking and saving of the losses in our lives continues. Faith in Jesus makes us whole. All the broken parts of our soul still touched by the losses are being brought together into the wholeness God intends for us from the beginning. Is is a process of convergence.

Sanctification is God’s divine plan. Being made whole through holiness (set apart on the inside) yields the fruit of increasingly greater degrees of outwardly “holy” behavior. Becoming completely at peace with God’s plan in our innermost being begins at conversion and is fulfilled through a lifelong PACE. I call this a PACE, as each letter in the word corresponds to one of the four parts of this book; Prepare, Accept, Cooperate, and Engage (described below);

I grew up in the Christian church thinking the “salvation of souls” refers merely to the conversion of souls. However, the term salvation includes sanctification as well. It includes Jesus completing the faith he has begun. It includes the discipline of growing the faith into maturity. It includes the inner peace Hebrews calls the “peaceful fruit of righteousness” (see Hebrews 12:11).

Soul Harvest

The “harvest” of souls includes all of the above. Let’s be clear that believing in Jesus is not just a decision of the mind to repent (turn around) from one way of life to another. It is a radical surrender to a process of heart transformation as well. For a Christian, seeking the sanctification of our soul is not an option. Responding to God and allowing him to change our heart from the inside out will yield greaterdegrees of inner peace. Inner peace can be a gauge for measuring our progress. The more we surrender to God, the more peace we will have in our soul. 

Inner change is difficult, but we can be at peace with the uncertainty change brings when we are trusting God through our faith in Jesus. An inner peace and assurance of what Jesus has accomplished
for us, AND what he continues to empower us to do, is foundational for facing the challenges of life. It’s all about his power, not ours.

In summary, I offer my paraphrase of the Hebrews 12:14-15 verses quoted at the beginning. “Pursue inner peace through reconciliation with God, for yourself, and seek this condition for every person you know. Practice surrendering your heart to God for the purpose of a holy being, until the day you see Jesus face to face. Make sure you are living the fullest of God’s purposes for your life by rooting out any bitterness that remains—i.e., admitting your critical judgments, surrendering all judgments to God, and releasing all demands for justice so your relationships (with God, others, and self) can be made whole.” This book is a tool to help guide and encourage you on the journey


Four Parts to P-A-C-E
P-repare the Heart
A-ccept Our Broken Heart Condition
C-ooperate with God through Surrender
E-ngage Inner Change as a Lifestyle

Summary of the P-A-C-E

The journey through this book begins in Part One with preparing the heart. Recognizing what makes us “tick” (so to speak) is critical to making any kind of positive directional changes. Our heart is like a house. The center of all activities for a farm is the farmhouse. The farmer eats, rests, plays, plans, and finds shelter in the farmhouse. When the farmhouse functions well to meet the needs of the farmer,the foundation for the success of the mission of the farm is secure. Part Two of this book is about accepting our broken-down heart condition. Without God, our farmhouse and therefore our entire farm is in disrepair and cannot be fixed on its own. Self-honesty about the true condition of our heart is key to taking first steps toward positive change. The humility to continue taking steps toward God is essential to grow out of our brokenness. Part Three walks through cooperating with God to restore our heart so it can thrive once again. Surrender is a key. Gaining something new requires giving up the old. That’s easier said than done when it comes to old (familiar) patterns of thought and behavior. We must become “wholly” dissatisfied with our own ways to gain satisfaction with God’s “holy” ways (see Proverbs 14:11-12).Part Four deals with engaging transformational growth as a lifestyle. Changing to be a better person is great, but God’s purposes are far beyond our imaginations and expectations.

The only way to discover God’s greater purposes is to embrace inner change by drawing ever closer to God. This includes nurturing a healthy discontent with how far we’ve already come. The moment a farmer becomes too content with his farm’s productivity, conditions out of his control (e.g.,severe weather, pests, economy, thieves) will push things in a declining direction. We must remain vigilant in fighting our broken world’s declining tendencies. We must embrace our need for constant change from the inside out.

I provide some practical tools along the way, and in the appendices. Also in the back of the book are a group of questions for each chapter. The questions are designed to help the pace reader on their own journey to peace. I encourage writing out the answers for each chapter before going on to the next chapter.
Inner life change begins with a better understanding of our inner life. So why not get started now. If you don’t have a copy of the book yet, order the print or ebook version and dig in. Buy the book at: https://shop.aer.io/CarpentersSonPublishing/p/Pace_to_Peace_Finding_Inner_Rest_in_a_World_of_Unr/9781954437616-10251

More info at: https://edwardhersh.com/pacetopeace

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. ~Chinese proverb

Before we set out to accomplish anything at all, we must begin with a clear picture in our minds of already having achieved our goal.

We wouldn’t even imagine trying to glue broken pieces of pottery back together without any idea of what it’s supposed to look like.

So, why should we go through life without a clear purpose? Once we begin to visualize something, we can begin to figure out how to make it happen.

Following are steps to consider in setting goals:

A Clear Purpose

The first step is to have a clear vision of what you want to accomplish.

Consider the lifestyle you want to live, your motives, and your priorities.

Recall what others have confirmed as your gifts and talents.

Think about what you are passionate about.

Create a clear picture in your mind and see yourself having reached your goal.

Imagine what you would be doing and what life would be like for you.

Think about what it means to you to fulfill your goals.

A Course of Action

Once you have a clear purpose, it is time to take action in setting goals and in achieving them.

The best way to begin is to make your goals measurable, and organize your objectives by writing them down. Before any building is ever built, a blueprint is drawn. Without it there would be no plan or direction in what do, how to do it, or what materials to use. In the same way, life goals need a clear course of action.

Think of the first steps you must take to achieve your goals.

Now write down at least 3 short-term goals and 3 long-term goals.

Some short-term goals can be daily or weekly. Record deadlines for each goal, and be sure to check them off when they are reached. This will give you a sense of accomplishment and help you stay motivated.

Each new goal you set will give you hope and anticipation for its fulfillment. And with each step you take, you will grow and accomplish new things.

Creating S.M.A.R.T. Goals

S = Specific [answer the questions - Who? What? Where? When? How?]
Example-
General goal = Lose Weight
Specific goal = My goal is to join Jake's Fitness Center next week on Monday, February 18th and begin working out 3 days a week [Mon, Tues, Sat].

M = Measurable [How much? How many?]
Example- My goal is to lose 10 lbs (2 lbs a week).

A = Achievable [you can attain most any goal you set if you plan wisely, persist and stay motivated]

R = Realistic [answer the questions - Can I accomplish this? Do I have the ability and skills needed?]

T = Timely [set time frames for each goal]
Example- My goal is to lose a total of 10 lbs starting March 1st for 5 weeks ending April 5th.

To Your Success,
Krystal

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. ~Mark Twain

Worry is....

a mental activity. It is a repetition of negative thoughts about actual or potential problems or difficulties.

Worry does not solve problems. It creates new ones.
Worry is not a remedy for guilt. It reinforces it.
Worry does not maintain control. It loses it.
Worry is not inborn. It is learned.


There is no good reason or benefit to worry.
Worry is harmful to our lives (physically, mentally, emotionally, socially).
Worry is not unchangeable.

Worry chains can be broken because…


WORRY IS A HABIT


Habits are powerful things. Habits turn actions into attitudes, and attitudes into lifestyles.
~Charlene Armitage


We break the worry habit and lifestyle when we realize:
We can choose to stop deceiving ourselves or making excuses to justify why we worry.

We can choose to replace worry with…
Awareness (facing – not denying worry)
Acceptance of what we cannot change
Action - taking reasonable action & changing what we can
(if and when possible)



God's Perfect, Endless Love is greater than Fear, Worry, Anxiety, Panic!!!

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18, NKJV



RESOURCES to help you release fear and worry....

Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Fear In Christ (Scriptures taken from the book IN CHRIST I AM...)


There are so many reasons we may experience unrest (anxiety, worry and fear). We live in a world that is filled with problems, disasters, tragedies, and evil. No matter what we are experiencing, our Lord promises to be with us and give us peace.

This video - Overcoming Anxiety, Worry, and Fear in Christ - is filled with His empowering promises (Bible verses for anxiety)! May God's promises strengthen you and help you to rest in His loving care.



© 2017, 2023 NewDayBooks.com All Rights Reserved.
Written by Krystal Kuehn, LPC, LLP, NCC

Do you ever wish you could just ask a professional counselor a question about mental health? Janie Stubblefield will host an "Ask a Counselor" hour on Friday, January 13, 2023. This meeting is open to all, however questions will be answered on a first come basis due to the limited time. Attendees may email questions in advance to janie@mobile-counseling.net.

This is an informational meeting open to the public, and is intended for informational purposes only - no diagnosis nor therapeutic interventions. This is NOT a HIPAA compliant meeting and attendees may be able to see each others personal information.

Cost = FREE

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/ask-a-counselor-tickets-501063112257

A two hour live workshop including Q&A with Janie Stubblefield, MA, LPC-S meets the requirement for Texas specific ethics training for Texas LPCs. The structure is a planned workshop and Q&A.

Cost $40

https://www.eventbrite.com/e/lone-star-ethic-for-professional-counselors-tickets-501050263827

One of the hardest things to do when dealing with anger is controlling our tongue.

We may be overcome with emotion and say something hurtful, damaging and/or inappropriate. When we calm down, we often feel some regret and wish we could take back our words.

Although we are not able to go back and change what we said, we can take some positive steps in dealing with anger.

First, we can take responsibility for our actions. It may be humbling to apologize, but simply saying "I'm sorry" or "I shouldn't have said what I did" can bring healing and restoration to the situation and relationships that may have been affected.

We also can and must forgive ourselves and accept that we are only human and imperfect.

Finally, we can learn some healthy coping skills for dealing with anger that can help us throughout our lives.

We have two choices when it comes to dealing with anger in our lives: We either learn to control it or it will control us.

Anger is not something we can avoid or ignore. Whether it is our own anger or someone else’s, much of our days are spent dealing with anger and its consequences.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. ~Ambrose Bierce

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26