Christian Counselor Directory Blog

My personal assessment of the Institution of Marriage

My assessment of the institution of marriage is buttressed on the foundation of my Christian faith. As such, my assessment of the institution of marriage is integrated, multidimensional, multilayered and interwoven with my marital philosophy and core values. These nuances are further ingrained within my belief systems and theology. The foregoing elements ultimately shape my biblical worldview of marriage. A biblical worldview is essential for followers of Jesus Christ to effectively live out their Christian faith (Dockery, 2007; Sire, 2009). My biblical worldview of marriage was framed from the construct that marriage is a covenant relationship established with God as opposed to the commonly held secular worldview that marriage is simply a contractual relational agreement entered into by two persons. According to Hill (2015), secularism is “a state of affairs and a state of mind in which the realities of life are considered to be without spiritual significance” (p. 311).

Theologically, the doctrines of Creation and the Trinity (Genesis 1:26- 30), the Fall of Humanity (Genesis 3:5-7), the Redemption of Humankind through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ (Hebrews 9:15; Titus 2: 14; Revelation 1:5-6), the establishment of a New Heaven and Earth (Isaiah 65:17; Isaiah 66:22; Revelation 21:1) are foundational to my personal assessment of the institution of marriage. In addition, my biblical worldview supports the biblical view that the family was indeed the first institution created by God when He took one of Adam’s ribs and made Eve is wife (Genesis 2:21-23). I believe that a husband first responsibility is to his wife, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, King James Version) and a wife’s first responsibility is to her husband: “but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:20b). My biblical worldview of marriage is not contingent of macroenvironmental factors such as: (a) secular legislative adaptations, (b) widely held secular view that cohabitation is a viable alternative to marriage for economic reasons or (c) cultural compromises that require Christians to “blend in” with contemporary culture.

What threats or risks do marriages face today that may undermine the stability of the relationship or increase stress for a couple?

Contemporary marriages face a plethora of stressors and risks that daily threaten the stability of marital relationships. I posit that threats or risks associated with marriages can be either (a) internal to the marital relationship and as such are contingent on how individual parties function within the marriage or (b) external to the marriage when, in many instances, the factors are not created by the couple. As it relates to individualistic marital influences, I posit that the character and virtues held by both husband and wife are pivotal to marital health and positive outcomes.

According to Goddard, Olson, Galovan, Schramm, and Marshall (2016), “Marital virtues and character strengths suggest that personal characteristics such as generosity, gratitude, positivity, forgiveness, and other-centeredness are related to positive relationship outcomes” (p. 425). When husbands and wives display such virtues, it is believed that the “self” becomes decentered and paves the way to more effectively overcome inherent attribution biases, achieved compromise in better understanding each other’s points of view to arrive at common ground (Goodard et al., 2016). Goodard et al., (2016)’s study, which focused on examining 1,513 respondents in three states and their effects of humility, positivity and compassion, revealed that “spousal reports of humility and compassion were positively associated with self-reported marital satisfaction among both husbands and wives” (p.433).

In other words, one can reasonably conclude that some level of emphasis should be given to character development and formation during premarital and remarital counseling.
In another study conducted by Ledermann, Bodenmann, Rudaz, and Bradbury (2010), 345 couples were examined using the Action Partner Interdependence and Common Fate Model. The authors hypothesized that “relationship stress mediates the association between external stress and marital functioning at the individual level, and that the association between relationship stress and marital quality is partially mediated by communication at the dyadic level” (p. 195). A key finding of the study was that both husbands and wives’ marital communication in conflict and wives’ marital quality “seem to be affected to the same degree by one’s own relationship stress and the partner’s relationship stress”(p.203). Based on this key finding, one could make a strong argument that counselors and marital therapist should devote some critical attention to: (a) psychoeducation during premarital and remarital counseling and (b) developing strategic therapeutic intervention approaches to help married couples cope with individual stress as well as external stressors. The findings of this study also may a good argument to support the view that interpersonal communication skill development could potentially be a pivotal factor aimed at improving marital satisfaction outcomes.

Within the culture?

Between 1980 and 2008 statistical data indicate that multicultural marriages are significantly on the rise. Given this reality, traditional approaches to premarital and remarital counseling may not be the most optimum therapeutic approach to achieve optimal couple satisfaction (Qian & Lichter, 2011). Arguably, one of the greatest influences on contemporary life shaping worldviews is the postmodern culture in which we live. Bond (2014), a social psychologist by profession, renders an in-depth description of a construct premise first elucidated by Cole (1996) referred to as “cultural-inclusive psychology” (p. 7). Bond (2014) provides the following comprehensive definition of this all-embracing cultural concept here:

I think of culture on both its senses – the repository of humankind’s fascinating output of cuisine, music, art, architecture, literature, philosophy and science on the life that teems around us, but also in the more esoteric sense of the residue from this legacy in the life-as-lived by each of us – our beliefs, our values, our worldviews, our talents, our vocations ad our relationships, their style and content, that structure of living from the cradle to the grave. (p. 27).

In other words, several of today’s marriages are exposed to the fault lines created by today’s postmodern culture. As such, if they are not built on a solid foundation, they become extremely susceptible to suffering from the devastating effects caused from marital earthquakes. The influences of postmodern culture of today’s society including the church are staggering. Rosenbaum and Weathersbee (2013), in a study conducted among 151 newly married couples at nine Texas Southern Baptist churches, reported that, “More than 70% of the respondents reported having had premarital vaginal or oral sex, but more than 80% regretted premarital sex” (p. 263). I would argue that similar statistics may also be unveiled if other denominations were investigated, thus illustrating the intensive impact that postmodernism is having on the Church in general, and more specifically, on the institution of marriage.

Through legislative or other initiatives?

Perhaps the most important legislative impact that has impacted both marriages and the Church is same-sex marriages. Again, postmodernism has played, and continues to play, a significant role in the significant rise in public support for what is termed marriage equality. This nomenclature which was birthed in the Western hemisphere and has since expanded at the global level. According to Kirby, Mckenzie-green, Mcara-couper, & Nayar (2017) a growing sub-section of the Church has been advocating support for same-sex marriages. Kirby et al., (2017) point out another pivotal initiative emanating from the therapeutic field:

Originally listed as a “sociopathic personality disturbance,” homosexuality was “upgraded” to a mere “sexual deviation” in 1968, and finally in 1973 delisted altogether from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-II) of the American Psychiatric Association; a decision followed by the American Psychoanalytic Association in 1975. (p.907).Given the pivotal therapeutic postures adopted by some segments of the Church coupled with those elucidated by leading and respected mental health authorities in the United States, it is not difficult to comprehend why the battle against same-sex marriages remains as fierce as it is.

From economic pressures?

The are several factors that impinge economic pressures associated with couples considering marriage. Arguably one of the most common factors that arise for couples contemplating marriage is that of cohabitation. As it relates to cohabitation the question therefore arises, should Christians decisions be influenced by the culture in which we live to justify cohabitation, or should the Word of God take precedence? Should consideration be given where extenuating circumstances arise? According to Hohmann-Marriott (2006), “Cohabiting couples and couples who cohabit prior to marriage have less stable relationships than married couples who did not cohabit, and these differences may be linked to processes within the relationships” (p. 1015). In addition, nontraditional beliefs held by cohabiting partners appear to make the less committed and more susceptible to divorce should they eventually decide to get married (Hohmann-Marriott, 2006).

I happen to know of a situation with a godly couple who were engaged when the husband moved from Canada to Florida to take up a youth pastor’s position at his mentor’s church. He did not have the financial resources at the time to buy a home for his family. Based on the Senior pastor’s knowledge of his youth pastor’s character he allowed his youth pastor and his fiancée to live with them for a short time before they got married and the shortly after purchased their own home. In my view, these were extenuating circumstances and a judgement call was made based of knowing both individuals’ characters. I posit that while this is not a situation that would normally be encouraged, it had economic implications and required much payer before making a decision based on the character of the individuals involved. Of course, the couple were not allowed to sleep together while making the life transition. Was there sin involved because of temporarily living under his mentor roof? In my view, steps were taken to avoid obvious temptation and sin. Based on the character of the Senior Pastor, whom I personally know to be a very godly man, I feel he made a decision based on the character of someone he has known for several years and knew that trusted him to not violate God’s standard of holiness.

What resources and/or support systems are available to couples today? And what role, if any, should the Church play?

In my view, the Church has a pivotal role to play as a major support system to couples considering both first time marriages as well as remarriage. I posit that pastoral counselors, Christian counselors, professional counselors and licensed marriage and family therapists also should be used as resource mechanisms to assist in bringing stability, transformation and restoration to marriages. I hasten to add that this issue is not a simplistic as it may appear on the surface. Roskit, Griffith and Cruz (2007) posit that religious conservative communities may be the only identifiable group still advocating coherent beliefs regarding the same-sex marriage agenda. In other words, the evidence strongly supports a continued rising tide that favors the same-sex marriage agenda. In my view, there is also a major role that can be played by the nuclear family as a support system. Specifically, behavior modification, as a therapeutic intervention, I posit could be synergistic. According to Besharat (2003) behavioral therapists focus more directly on behavioral alterations primarily in couples that are moderately distressed. Arguably one of today’s most used therapeutic intervention modalities is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Systems therapists, on the other hand, would perceive the marital dyad as a system or sub-system of the larger family system. As such, the systems approach lends a sense of homeostatic underpinning (Besharat, 2003). Lastly, in my view, the church leaders need to conceptualize initiatives that promote unity on this life-changing issue by becoming much more vociferous on every conceivable front. I contend that such advocacy is urgently needed to oppose the ungodly initiatives unleashed in our postmodern culture and to defend traditional marriage as created and instituted by God.

References

Besharat, M. A. (2003). What are the main difference between behavioral and systems therapy with couples? A critical account. Journal of Contemporary Psychology, 33(2), 109-127. Retrieved from htpps://doi.org/0022-11603/0600-0109/0

Bond, M. H. (2014). How I am constructing culture-inclusive theories of social-psychological process in our age of globalization. Journal for the Theory of Social Behavior, 45(1), 26-36. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/jtsb.12053

Cole, M. (1996). Cultural psychology: A once and future discipline. Harvard University Press.

Dockery, D. S. (2007). Renewing minds: Serving church and society through Christian higher education. Nashville, TN: B & H Academic

Goddard, H. W., Olson, J. R., Galovan, A. M., Schramm, D. G. & Marshall, J. P. (2016). Qualities of character that predict marital well-being. Family Relations, 65(3), 424-438. Retrieved from https://doi:10.1111/fare.12195

Hill, J. L. (2015). Secularization: A New Testament Perspective. Evangelical Review of Theology, 39(4), 311-323. Retrieved from Ebsco.

Hohmann-Marriott, B. E. (2006). Shared beliefs and union stability of married and cohabiting couples. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(4), 1015-1028. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00310.x

Kirby, A., Mckenzie-green, B., Mcara-couper, J., & Nayar, S. (2017). Same-sex marriage: A dilemma for parish clergy. Sexuality & Culture, 21(3), 901-918. Retrieved from https://doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9414-1

Ledermann, T., Bodenmann, G., Rudaz, M., & Bradbury, T. N. (2010). Stress, communication, and marital quality in couples. Family Relations, 59(2), 195-206. Retrieved from htpps://doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00595.x

Lorber, M. F. (2004). Psychophysiology of Aggression, Psychopathy, and Conduct Problems: A Meta-Analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 130(4):531-52. Retrieved from https://doi: 10.1037/0033-2909.130.4.531

Qian, Z., & Lichter, D. T. (2011). Changing patterns in interracial marriage in a multicultural society. Journal of Family and Marriage, 73(5), 1065-1084. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2011.00866.x

Rosenbaum, J. E. & Weathersbee, B. (2013). True love waits: Do Southern Baptist? Premarital sexual behavior among newly married Southern Baptist school students. Journal of Religion and Health; New York, 52(1), 263-275. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-010-9445-5

Roskit, C., Griffith, L., & Cruz, Z. (2007). Homophobia and conservative religion: Towards a more nuanced understanding. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 77(1), 10-19. Retrieved from https://doi.10/1037/0002-9432.77.1.10.

Sire, J. W. (2009). The universe next door: A Basic worldview catalog (4th ed.). Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic.

Imagine this: You’re trying to finish an important work email, your toddler is tugging at your leg demanding a snack, the laundry is piling up, and you just realized you forgot to defrost tonight’s dinner. Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head, you might be experiencing what many of us know as mom burnout.

Hi there! I’m Kelly, a mom of four amazing (and let’s be honest, sometimes exhausting) kids, with a master’s degree in counseling and over 15 years of experience working with wonderful moms like you. I’ve been in the trenches, juggling school drop-offs, work deadlines, and everything in between. That’s why I’m passionate about helping other moms recognize and overcome the symptoms of burnout.

In this blog post, we’re going to dive into the 10 clear signs of mom burnout and practical ways to tackle them. Because let’s face it – you deserve to feel happy, healthy, and fulfilled. So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea), find a cozy spot, and let’s get started!

Understanding Mom Burnout: What It Is and Why It Matters

Mom burnout is more than just feeling tired—it's a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by the relentless demands of motherhood. Whether you're a stay-at-home mom, working mom, or somewhere in between, the pressures of juggling family responsibilities, work, and personal needs can take a significant toll. Understanding what mom burnout is and recognizing its symptoms are crucial steps toward reclaiming your well-being.

When left unaddressed, burnout can impact not only your health but also your relationships and overall quality of life. By identifying the signs early and implementing strategies to manage stress, you can break free from the burnout cycle and find a healthier, more balanced approach to motherhood.

Top Indicators of Mom Burnout: Recognize These 10 Key Signs

1. Constant Fatigue
Feeling exhausted all the time, even after a full night's sleep? This isn’t just about being tired—it's a sign your body is overworked and your mind is overwhelmed. When you’re constantly on the go with little time to rest, fatigue can creep in and become a constant companion.

Quick Tip: Try setting a consistent bedtime, sneak in short naps when possible, and don’t hesitate to ask for help to lighten your load. (P.S. please do not feel guilt for taking naps…it took me YEARS to ‘allow’ myself to do this and that is such a waste of self-love).

2. Irritability and Mood Swings
Finding yourself snapping at your kids or partner over minor things? Mood swings and irritability are common signs of burnout. The stress and lack of downtime can make you feel like you’re on edge, leading to emotional outbursts.

Quick Tip: Practice mindfulness or deep-breathing exercises to help manage your emotions. Even a few minutes a day can make a significant difference.

3. Feeling Overwhelmed
Does your to-do list feel never-ending? Feeling overwhelmed is a major indicator of burnout. When every task seems monumental and you’re struggling to keep up, it’s a clear sign that you’re stretched too thin.

Quick Tip: Ever heard of brain dumping? It has been a LIFE SAVER for me. Break tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. Prioritize what truly needs to be done and don't be afraid to delegate or let go of less critical tasks.

4. Lack of Interest in Activities
Remember those hobbies and activities you used to love? If they no longer bring you joy or you can’t find the motivation to engage in them, this could be a sign of burnout. Losing interest in things that once made you happy is your mind's way of signaling that it’s overwhelmed.

Quick Tip: Schedule time for yourself, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day. Rediscover old hobbies or explore new ones that make you feel good.

5. Physical Symptoms
Burnout doesn’t just affect your mind—it takes a toll on your body too. Common physical symptoms include headaches, muscle tension, and frequent illnesses. Your body is trying to tell you that it needs a break.

Quick Tip: Incorporate regular exercise into your routine, maintain a balanced diet, and ensure you’re staying hydrated. Simple self-care practices can significantly improve how you feel physically.

6. Difficulty Concentrating
Struggling to focus on tasks or forgetting important details more often than usual? Difficulty concentrating is a hallmark sign of burnout. When your brain is overloaded with stress, it becomes harder to focus and retain information.

Quick Tip: Take regular breaks to give your mind a rest, practice brain exercises like puzzles or reading, and reduce multitasking to improve focus.

7. Feeling Numb or Detatched
Do you feel emotionally numb or disconnected from your loved ones? Burnout can cause you to shut down emotionally as a coping mechanism, making it hard to connect with your feelings and those around you.

Quick Tip: Engage in activities that foster emotional connection, such as meaningful conversations with loved ones, practicing gratitude journaling, or seeking professional help if needed.

8. Increased Cynicism or Resentment
Have you noticed a growing sense of cynicism or resentment towards your parenting role or family responsibilities? Feeling negative or bitter about your daily tasks is a strong indicator of burnout.

Quick Tip: Focus on the positive aspects of your life (this will take a lot of practice and consistency), set realistic expectations for yourself, and consider joining a supportive community or mom group to share experiences and find encouragement.

9. Decreased Performance
Are you finding it harder to complete tasks or feeling less productive than usual? Burnout can significantly impact your efficiency and performance, making it difficult to keep up with daily responsibilities.

Quick Tip: Set achievable goals, establish a consistent routine, and celebrate small victories to boost your sense of accomplishment and motivation.

10. Isolation
Do you find yourself withdrawing from social interactions and feeling isolated? Burnout often leads to social withdrawal as you try to conserve energy and cope with overwhelming stress.

Quick Tip: Make an effort to reach out to friends, join mom groups or online communities, and schedule regular social activities to stay connected and supported.

Navigating Burnout in Moms: What’s Next??

Did you check off most, if not all, of the signs of burnout? Take a deep breath, Mama. Feeling overwhelmed is more common than you think. You’re in good company—we’ve all been there. Now, let’s talk solutions!

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed. Many moms experience burnout, and it’s okay to admit it. Take a deep breath and recognize that your feelings are valid.

2. Prioritize Self-Care
Remember the oxygen mask analogy on airplanes? You need to take care of yourself first before helping others. Prioritize self-care—whether it’s a quiet cup of tea, a walk, or a few minutes of meditation. You deserve it.

3. Seek Support
Reach out to fellow moms, friends, or family members. Share your feelings and ask for help. Sometimes, just talking to someone who understands can make a world of difference.

4. Embrace Imperfection
You don’t have to be a supermom. It’s okay if the laundry piles up or if you order takeout for dinner. Embrace imperfection—it’s part of being human.

5. Consider Professional Guidance
As a mom life coach, I’m here for you. Let’s work together to create a personalized plan. Whether it’s setting boundaries, rediscovering your passions, or finding joy in small moments, coaching can make a difference.

Conclusion: Mom Burnout Solutions and Reclaiming JOY

Mama, if you’ve nodded along to most of these signs, you’re not alone. Burnout isn’t a badge of honor—it’s a wake-up call. So, what’s the key takeaway?

Acknowledge It: Constant fatigue, irritability, and feeling overwhelmed? Recognize these signs as your body’s SOS.

Self-Care Matters: Prioritize yourself guilt-free. Set bedtime routines, sneak in naps, and ask for help. Remember, self-love isn’t selfish.

Brain Dump Your Tasks: That never-ending to-do list? Break it down. Prioritize. Delegate. Let go of non-essentials.

Rediscover Joy: Hobbies collecting dust? Revisit them. Even 10 minutes a day can reignite your spark.

Listen to Your Body: Headaches, muscle tension, and frequent illnesses? Your body’s pleading for a break.

Focus, Mama: Difficulty concentrating? Take breaks, solve puzzles, and declutter your mind.

Connect Emotionally: Feeling numb? Engage in meaningful conversations. Journal. Seek professional help.

Flip the Script: Cynicism and resentment? Shift focus. Find the silver linings. Join a supportive community.

Prioritize Well-Being: Decreased performance? It’s okay. Prioritize well-being over perfection.

Remember, you’re not just a mom—you’re a whole universe of strength and love. Reach out, seek support, and consider professional guidance. You’ve got this….and I am here with you!!

With Love and a Whole Lot of Imperfection,
Kelly

In today's interconnected world, social media has become a vibrant part of our daily lives, offering new opportunities and challenges for families navigating its influence. As parents raising daughters in this digital age, we strive to ensure that our faith informs and guides their experiences online. Social media can test our values, but it can also be an avenue for positive growth if used mindfully. Here are practical, faith-based parenting tips to help you mentor your daughters on their social media journey.

1. Anchoring in Faith

Start with Scripture

Teach your daughters to use scripture as their guiding compass. Quotations like Philippians 4:8, which exhorts believers to focus on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable, can be a powerful standard for assessing social media content.

Prayerful Approach

Before they post, ask, or interact online, encourage your daughters to consider taking a moment for prayer. This brief pause can give them time to reflect on whether their actions represent their faith and values.

2. Foster Open Dialogue

A Culture of Conversation

Create a space where your daughters feel comfortable discussing anything they come across online. Approach these conversations with empathy and without judgment, providing wisdom and understanding.

Share Testimonies

Share stories of how faith has positively influenced online and offline lives. Let these stories inspire your daughters to view their social media interactions as an extension of their witness.

3. Teach Digital Discipleship

Positivity in Posting

Guide your daughters to be digital disciples, using their online presence to spread kindness, positivity, and the love of God. Remind them that their words and actions, even on digital platforms, reflect their beliefs.

Set Forth Examples

Suggest following faith-based accounts that provide uplifting content that aligns with your family's values. These can serve as inspirational examples of what to emulate.

4. Encourage Modesty and Discretion

Modesty Online

Discuss the value of modesty, not just in dress but in what they share and how they present themselves on social media. Highlight that modesty is a form of self-respect and dignity that honors God.

Privacy as a Virtue

Teach your daughters about the virtue of prudence as it pertains to privacy. Encourage them to maintain private accounts and be selective about whom they allow into their digital circles.

5. Establish Boundaries

Age-Appropriate Guidelines

In line with faith-based principles and social media age requirements, establish clear boundaries about the right age to join these platforms. Explain why these limits are in place and how they serve to protect them.

Create a Family Media Plan

Work together to create a family media plan that includes what platforms are appropriate, daily screen time limits, and what types of interactions are acceptable. This plan should be rooted in the values you cherish as a family.

6. Promote Real-world Relationships

Foster Community Involvement

Encourage your daughters to be active in your faith community, forming friendships and seeking mentorship. These real-world relationships can provide support and perspective that counterbalance online interactions.

Balance Online and Offline

Emphasize the importance of balancing time spent on social media with face-to-face connections and family activities. Initiatives like volunteering offer hands-on ways to live out faith in the real world.

7. Model Behavior

Lead by Example

Let your own social media use be an example for your daughters to follow. Display integrity, wisdom, and discernment in your interactions.

Witness through Action

Remember that your daughters are watching not just what you post, but how you embody your faith in daily life. Be the living example from whom they can learn the most.

Conclusion: Nurturing through Wisdom and Love

Parenting daughters in the social media age poses unique challenges for faith-based families. However, with clear communication grounded in love and scriptural wisdom, and with boundaries rooted in respect for God's teachings, you can help your daughters navigate the virtual world. The aim is not to instill fear in this digital landscape but to empower them to engage with it in a manner that reinforces their faith. By providing them with the tools they need to recognize and reflect divine love online, you are equipping them to shine their light in the digital sphere. Social media, used in this way, becomes an extension of their journey with faith—a space where they can express their identities as children of God.

If you have ever experienced any of the following, you have had a career crisis:
• Losing your job
• Being fired
• Burning out
• Not wanting to do your job for one more day
• Redefined job or seismic shift in career. (Staff quits/Kids go away to college)

A career crisis can be caused either by someone else (being laid off) or by your own feelings (burning out).

Common Causes of Career Crises
There are many reasons why people experience career crises. Here are a few:
• Corporate downsizing
• Burnout
• Relocating for your spouse’s career
• Being fired
• Making the wrong career move
• Corporate politics
• Not fitting in
• Lost calling

Why a Career Crisis Is So Devastating
A career crisis is almost always devastating because it can impact your life in so many ways. Here are a few examples:
1. Money: Losing your income with no warning can be financially devastating.
2. Status: If your job gives you status or a professional identity, you may feel devastated without it.
3. Surprise: If the job loss happens without warning, you will probably feel shocked.
4. Self-esteem: You may feel embarrassed by what has happened.
5. Feeling alone: You are likely to lose friends and companions when you no longer work in the same place.
6. Feeling out of synch: Your regular routine may be disrupted.
7. Confusion: If the crisis happens because of burnout or for reasons inside yourself, you may feel confused about what to do next.
8. Effect on others: If people around you depend on your income and need you to be predictable, they may react negatively to your crisis.

9. Loss of Identity: Many times a career will help define who you are as a person especially if you see it as a calling. “ 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.” – Ecclesiastes 3:12 – 13. The loss can create a lack of interest, satisfaction and enjoyment in life.

Career Crisis: Who It Hurts the Most
A career crisis hurts you because it is devastating to your ego. The hurt tends to be greater when one gets a sense of identity and self-esteem from his or her job title, status, and income.
A crisis hurts your family because they must experience the emotional fallout that follows a crisis. Your family may also experience a feeling of lost self-esteem and status, especially if you were fired or laid off.

The Flashback Effect
A major loss like this sometimes can cause you to reach back into the past and reactivate unfinished business from a major loss, or a crisis from an earlier time.
For example, when Sharon was terminated after seven months at her dream job, she became very depressed. While depression is a normal reaction to such a loss, Sharon was reacting to losing her job and the similar feelings she had when she flunked out of a top university 12 years earlier. When she finally saw a therapist after a few weeks of depression following the job loss, she saw that she had never fully resolved her feelings about failing in college.

Here are some other points about recovery:
1. The process of recovering from a career crisis will happen on its own schedule. It can’t be rushed.
2. Every person responds to a career crisis differently. There is no right way to respond or to deal with it.
3. Depending on the circumstances, processing a career crisis can take years.
4. Build and use a support system. People need other people when they are experiencing such a crisis. A group of people who have experienced similar losses is especially helpful.
5. It is a good idea to find support outside of your family and friends. Even the most supportive may grow tired of hearing about your situation, or you may find yourself censoring your behavior to avoid alienating them. However, you still need help and a place to let your feelings out.
How to Help Someone in a Career Crisis
Here are a few ideas for being helpful to people going through career crises:

1. People need support when they are having a career crisis, even though they may seem to push you away.
2. Ask how you can help.
3. Don’t give advice unless asked. Listen, listen, and listen some more!
4. Check in regularly with the crisis victim; let him or her know you’re there.
5. Remind the crisis victim of what a good person he or she is, even without the identity and status that the job provided.
6. Sometimes a career crisis sends a person into a serious depression for which help is needed. If you sense danger, urge the crisis victim to seek help.

How to Turn a Crisis into a Victory

Here are some suggestions for turning a career crisis into a victory:

1. Give yourself time to heal. If recovery is rushed or interrupted, the crisis victim will not fully heal and a victory is not possible.
2. Remind yourself as often as necessary that your pain will end and you will eventually feel happy again.
3. Avoid jumping into something new on the rebound; let yourself experience all the stages of grief.
4. Accept that many people will not understand the depth of your grief. They will not understand why this is so difficult for you, and they will say stupid things.
5. Use the opportunity to stop and consider other options.
6. Explore what meaning your feelings have for you. If we pay attention to them, our feelings can lead us places we would otherwise never visit.
7. Keep a journal of your experiences. Make it your intention to see what there is to be learned from this experience.
8. A loss such as a career crisis can be viewed as both a door-closer and a door-opener. Start thinking about what you are learning and gaining from this experience.
9. Create a ceremony of letting go. Yours will be as unique as your experience.
10. Despite some people's misunderstanding do find people that are safe to share with where you can talk about your feelings and beliefs.

The Career Crisis Recovery Exercise
Write out your answers to the following questions. This self-help exercise can help you process your feelings about what has happened to you.
1. Describe what happened when your career crisis happened.
2. Describe the job or career. Where did you work? What was it like? Who did you work with? What do you miss the most? What do you not miss at all?
3. Describe your feelings about the loss of the job or career to others.
4. What has the impact of this crisis been on your life? What else have you lost because of your career crisis?
5. What barriers stop you from moving on?
6. What are 10 things you can do starting today to continue the recovery process?

Please pass this newsletter along to a friend.

Suggested Reading

Cloud, Henry, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward Harper Business, 2011

William Bridges, Job Shift: How To Prosper In A Workplace Without Jobs. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1994.

Barry Glassner, Career Crash: The New Crisis—and Who Survives. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994.

Ayala Pines and Elliot Aronson, Career Burnout: Causes and Cures. New York: The Free Press, 1988.

Las relaciones románticas son uno de los aspectos más cautivadores de la experiencia humana, mezclando alegría, inspiración y desafíos. Basado en casi dos décadas de experiencia como terapeuta, este libro ofrece profundos conocimientos y una guía práctica para ayudar a las personas a mejorar sus relaciones consigo mismas y con los demás. Se enfoca en superar las luchas con el amor propio, a menudo enraizadas en traumas o sentimientos de indignidad, y proporciona herramientas para construir conexiones más fuertes y satisfactorias.

En La increíble influencia de los pensamientos y emociones positivas: Un manual para cultivar vínculos románticos más fuertes, descubrirás cómo cultivar la confianza, la positividad y la intimidad en tus relaciones románticas.

Este libro ofrece herramientas y estrategias prácticas para situaciones de la vida real, ayudándote a crear conexiones duraderas con tu pareja. Ya sea que estés soltero, comenzando un nuevo romance, navegando una relación a largo plazo, o reavivando una conexión existente, la sabiduría dentro de estas páginas te guiará. Este libro explora el impacto duradero del optimismo, la inteligencia emocional y la autocompasión, recordándonos que podemos moldear nuestras historias de amor a través de nuestros pensamientos y emociones. Aprenderás a fortalecer las bases de tus relaciones, trayendo vitalidad y alegría a tu viaje de amor. Se enfatiza el autodescubrimiento como un componente vital para crear vínculos románticos más fuertes, fomentando una comprensión más profunda y el cultivo de nuestras conexiones más profundas.

Aborda este viaje con un corazón abierto y una mente curiosa, y permite que estos conocimientos te empoderen para crear historias de amor florecientes en medio de las complejidades de la vida. Abraza el impacto profundo de los pensamientos y emociones positivas en la construcción de relaciones románticas sólidas y satisfactorias.

amazon.com/author/dr.remy.nelson 
https://youtu.be/PK5AgXUVFnA

Romantic relationships are among the most captivating aspects of the human experience, blending joy, inspiration, and challenges. Drawing on nearly two decades of experience as a therapist, Dr. Remy Nelson offers profound insights and practical guidance in this book to help individuals improve their relationships with themselves and others. It focuses on overcoming struggles with self-love, often rooted in trauma or feelings of unworthiness, and provides tools to build stronger, more fulfilling connections.
In The Incredible Influence of Positive Thoughts and Emotions: A Handbook for Cultivating Stronger Romantic Bonds, you will discover how to cultivate trust, positivity, and intimacy in your romantic relationships. This book offers practical tools and strategies for real-life situations, helping you create lasting connections with your partner. Whether you are single, beginning a new romance, navigating a long-term partnership, or rekindling an existing connection, the wisdom within these pages will guide you.
This book explores the lasting impact of optimism, emotional intelligence, and self-compassion, reminding us that we can shape our love stories through our thoughts and emotions. You will learn to strengthen the foundations of your relationships, bringing vitality and joy to your journey of love. Self-discovery is vital in creating stronger romantic bonds, fostering a deeper understanding, and nurturing our most profound connections.
Approach this journey with an open heart and a curious mind, and let these insights empower you to create thriving love stories amidst life's complexities. Embrace the profound impact of positive thoughts and emotions on building solid and fulfilling romantic relationships.

amazon.com/author/dr.remy.nelson

In the Christian faith, parents are often seen as stewards of their children, tasked with fostering a loving, nurturing, and supportive environment for their offspring to grow and flourish. But what happens when a parent’s actions are driven by narcissism? A narcissistic parent, characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance and a profound lack of empathy, can cast long shadows on the family unit and the spiritual well-being of their children.

Emotional Turmoil

Children of narcissistic parents may grapple with emotional turmoil. Due to their parents' need for admiration and a lack of respect for boundaries, these children often feel under constant scrutiny, overshadowed by their parent's imposing egos. Their mercurial temper can create a household atmosphere that lacks the stability and peace championed in Philippians 4:7. Children, striving for the elusive approval of a narcissistic parent, may end up feeling unworthy and question their value, a feeling contrary to the Christian teaching that every individual is uniquely created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

Impaired Sense of Self and Identity

In navigating the turbulent waters of growing up with a narcissistic parent, children might struggle to develop a healthy sense of self and identity. The parent’s manipulation can lead children to doubt their own experiences and perceptions, hampering their ability to trust themselves and others – a trait that can lead them astray from the authentic relationships to which Christ calls us (Ephesians 4:15).

Challenges in Forming Relationships

Intimacy and trust are at the core of any meaningful relationship, virtues constantly encouraged in the Bible (1 John 4:7). However, the offspring of narcissistic parents might find these to be foreign territories. A child raised in the shadow of narcissism might become either excessively pleasers, seeking validation in all the wrong places, or conversely, they might become withdrawn, fearing the vulnerability that comes with close relationships.

Spiritual Struggles

Spiritual life can also become a battleground for those with narcissistic parents. The parent’s self-centered behavior may distort the child's perspective of God as a loving and sacrificial Father, as portrayed in scriptures like 1 John 3:1. Moreover, the parent’s disregard for empathy and humility can be at odds with the fruits of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5:22-23.

Consequences of Conditional Love

Narcissistic parents often express 'conditional love' – affection based on the child’s ability to meet the parent's expectations. This transactional nature of love is discordant with the principles of unconditional love woven throughout the Christian narrative (Romans 5:8). As a result, children might grow to view God’s love through the same skewed lens, imagining it must be earned rather than freely given.

Path to Healing and Recovery

While the effects of having a narcissistic parent are profound, the Christian community provides many avenues for healing and restoration. The church can serve as a sanctuary, a place of unconditional love and acceptance. Engaging with a spiritual family allows for the experience of genuine relationships, fostering recovery and growth. Scripture and prayer can offer immense comfort and guidance; for instance, Psalm 34:18 proclaims that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.

Christian counseling can be a powerful tool for healing, providing a safe space to untangle the knots of one’s upbringing with a professional who understands the religious context of the individual's struggles. Support groups within the church community can also offer a collective shoulder to lean on – individuals who can empathize and share in the journey toward healing.

Conclusion

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can cast long shadows through a person's life, impeding their emotional, relational, and spiritual development. However, amidst these challenges, the Christian community stands as a beacon of hope, offering tools for healing and the assurance of God's unwavering love. Through faith, prayer, and the support of the church, individuals can overcome the shackles of their past and step into the light of a life defined not by their parent's narcissism, but by their own relationship with God.

Key Strategies to Help in Family Crises

The demands for effective crisis management manifest in myriad situations. In this article I present a vignette regarding a how crises may be presented in a familial situation. I further outline some of the methodologies, suggests strategies for alleviating the crisis, offer teachable coping skills the therapist may share with in familial crisis situations to provide a greater resiliency.

The Crisis Vignette

Debra is a 13 year who was raised by her parents in a very upscale neighborhood. The family is well known in the community, attends church regularly, and is perceived by many as the perfect family. Her dad is a deeply involved in politic and is a high ranking official in government, an ardent community activist, and an outspoken individual who prides himself and being a great father and faithful husband. Her mum is a pediatrician and enjoys a phenomenally successful private practice and is a highly sought after speaker at youth development conferences. This week a call was received by Debra’s mother informing her that Debra was 6 weeks pregnant.

The crisis in this scenario is that of teenage pregnancy. Debra’s parents are church goers, but not practice or live out their faith. They are seeking therapy to determine what may have caused Debra to get involved in a sexual relationship with a 15-year boy from her high school. They have also indicated that they would like to abort the pregnancy, since in their opinion, Debra’s life would be over if she brings a child into the world at such a tender age. In today’s culture the topic of abortion has become one of the most controversial topics of the present age.

How should a Christian professional therapist manage such a crisis from moral, ethical and theological perspectives? Support groups are often a means through which difficult crises may sometimes be navigated. In this case, the support group consists of a combination of parents who are in a similar position as well as those who have overcome similar challenges. According to Jacobs, Masson, Harvill and Schimmel (2012), “Support groups enable members to learn that other people struggle with the same problems, feel similar emotions, and think similar thoughts” (p. 15). With respect to Debra, a therapist may propose to facilitate a combination of individual and group counseling sessions for teenage mothers as well as those teenage girls who are pregnant.

Alleviating the Crisis

The initial individual counseling sessions conducted with Debra revealed she was suffering from depression and engaging in attention seeking behavior. According to Wright (2011), “Acting out in an attempt to deal with depression has purposes for the teenager” (p. 398). In short, Debra’s decision to get involved in a sexual relationship stemmed from a desire to get greater attention from her parents. It was a cry for help. Wright (2011) further notes concerning such behavior, “The behavior may also be manifested by a person who does not have much impulse control, and this in itself is a cry for help” (p. 398).

So, what are some of the possible interventions to be taken aimed at alleviating these crises? Primarily is the need to create a safe environment for Debra, one in which she feels comfortable communicating with her therapist. In this regard, her earlier sessions, letter writing may be used to draw out Debra’s inner wounds and pain. Creative exercises that also engage in narrative therapy and journaling her thought s and feelings. Such exercises may ably be supported with soft voice tones, intentional non-threatening eye contact, and body movements which encourage intense sharing.

Lastly, a number of key group counseling skills may be utilized in both the parent and teenage sessions. However, working with adolescents requires considerable empathy and authenticity. Jacobs et al. (2012) assert, “A group leader working with adolescents should like and respect teenagers, want to learn more about their immediate world, and understand the kinds of struggles they go through while trying to grow up” (p. 422). In this regard, group members may engage and be drawn out more through “the use of therapeutic rounds” (p. 352), specifically by allowing Debra, the working member, to use the other group members as sounding boards. In essence, all group sessions may be used to support and encourage.

Teaching Coping Skills

A number of coping skills come into focus for both pregnant teenagers as well as their parents. Having conducted individual and group counseling sessions with Debra, it became evident that Debra and her parents had some major interpersonal communication issues. In this situation, the therapist should take time and patience to teach them about effective communication. The therapist may also let them know that it is imperative that they all focus less on being heard and give greater attention to developing their listening skills. For example, they may be coached not to be prepared to respond to a statement too quickly, but to seriously ponder on what Debra is speaking in the present moment.

Debra and her parents may be coached on two key communication nuances namely empathetic listening and dialogic listening, which indirectly promote heightened sensitivity and empathy. In short, can be coached on how to improve their focus and to shift their focus away from self to the person or persons communicating the message. As adults, Debra’s parents may also be coached on how to help Debra cope with her pregnancy, considering that such a young pregnancy constitutes trauma. Wright (2011) advises, “An abundance of them need to be encouraged, just to be patient with themselves” (p. 340). “They need to know it’s all right to feel and express feelings” (p. 340).

Debra’s parents may also be coached about the importance giving Debra a voice. In other words, questions such as, “How does Debra feel about her pregnancy? Does she think she can cope with the pregnancy at this time and resume her education later? What are the spiritual implications of abortion?” Posing such questions to Debra’s parents may allow the therapist to offer some crisis counseling from a ministerial perspective? In fact, this crisis situation may create an opportunity for Debra’s parents to rekindle their Christian faith.

Developing Resiliency

Developing resilience is a critical aspect of crisis counseling, even more so in children and adolescents. According to Floyd (2008), “Children are both fragile and resilient. Caregivers and adults who work with children must recognize the importance of the love and care given to children following a crisis or traumatic event” (p. 205). In Debra’s crisis, she needs the love, care, and support of her parents now more than ever. God, having providentially created the opportunity to share the love of Christ with Debra’s parents, may move in their hearts to change their minds about insisting that Debra have an abortion. In fact, the Holy Spirit may move in their hearts to such an extent to shoer their daughter with unconditional love and affection.

Identity Formation

Identity formation is a critical component of teenage overall development. Floyd (2008) agrees, “One of the main tasks of the adolescent years is developing a sense of identity” (p. 209). A strong and vibrant self-concept buttresses the development of resiliency. Introducing Debra’s parents to the writings of child development expert David Elkind may be another option. Floyd (2008) discusses two nuances touted by Elkind as pathways to adolescents” “the first is the pathway of integration” and "the second is one of substitution” (p. 210). Developing resilience from crisis or trauma requires above average commitment, a secure self-concept, and a purpose-driven philosophical approach to life. Wright (2011) surmises it this way, “When youth are disillusioned by a crisis, they need to reestablish commitment bonds, increase their self-esteem and find purpose in life” (p. 403). Likewise, Floyd (2008) contends, “Identity development is thus a central task of adolescents, and it may be affected when a teen experiences a crisis or trauma” (p. 210).

Reference

Floyd, S. (2008). Crisis counseling: A guide for pastors and professionals. Grand Rapids: Kregel Publications.

Jacobs, E. E., Masson, R. L., Harvill, R. L., Schimmel, C. J. (2012). Group counseling: Strategies and skills. (7th ed.). Belmont: Brooks/Cole.

Wright, H. N. (2011). The complete guide to crisis & trauma counseling: What to do and say when it matters most. Ventura: Regal.

In the Scriptures, boundaries are often mentioned directly or indirectly, reflecting God’s design for order, protection, and relationships. They are inherent in the tenets of our faith—seen in the love and respect we are called to show each other and in the discipline we are to exercise in our personal lives. Yet, in our desire to live like Christ—who was giving, compassionate, and loving—we might find ourselves overstepping or completely ignoring our boundaries. Recognizing when to enforce these boundaries is crucial for our spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being.

1. You Feel Constantly Drained

One clear sign that your boundaries need reinforcement is when you consistently feel exhausted. God calls us to serve others with joy, but He also emphasizes the importance of rest (Mark 6:31). If serving others or fulfilling roles in your community leaves you feeling drained of energy and peace, it might be time to reassess your commitments. Remember, even Jesus took time away from the crowds to pray and rest. It’s not selfish to take care of your well-being; it’s necessary to serve effectively.

2. Resentment is Building Up

Feeling resentful towards others can signal that your boundaries are not being respected. This often occurs when we say yes to tasks or roles out of obligation rather than genuine desire or calling. Colossians 3:23 encourages us to do everything heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. If resentment is overshadowing your ability to serve with love, it may be time to set or enforce boundaries.

3. Your Relationships Are Suffering

When boundaries are lacking, relationships can become strained or dysfunctional. This is evident when interactions are dominated by guilt, manipulation, or co-dependence, deviating from the Biblical model of relationships rooted in mutual respect and love (Ephesians 4:2-3). Healthy boundaries enable us to interact with kindness, respect, and genuine affection, reflecting God’s love more accurately to those around us.

4. You're Neglecting Your Relationship with God

Your relationship with God should be your utmost priority. If you find that your commitments are eating into the time and energy you have for prayer, meditation on the Word, and other spiritual disciplines, it’s a strong indicator that your boundaries need revisiting. Matthew 6:33 reminds us to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. Ensuring our spiritual well-being enables us to be better vessels for His work.

5. You Struggle to Hear God’s Voice

Similar to the previous point, an overfilled life can drown out the still, small voice of God. When we’re stretched too thin, our spiritual sensitivity can diminish, making it harder to discern God’s direction and leading. Setting boundaries gives us the space to quiet down, listen, and be led by the Spirit (Romans 8:14).

6. Your Physical Health is Affected

The Bible acknowledges our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). If the demands of serving others or fulfilling duties compromise your physical health, it indicates that boundaries are needed. God does not call us to sacrifice our health for ministry or service but to steward it wisely as part of our worship of Him.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries: A Step Forward in Faith

Acknowledging the need for and setting boundaries may be challenging, especially if you’re accustomed to saying yes or prioritizing the needs of others above your well-being. However, enforcing boundaries is not just about saying no; it’s about making room for God’s best in your life and aligning yourself with His design and purpose for you.

Start with Prayer

Begin by seeking God’s wisdom and guidance through prayer. Ask Him to show you where boundaries are needed and the strength to implement them.

Seek Wise Counsel

Consulting with a pastor, a mentor, or a trusted friend can provide you with perspective and support as you navigate the process of establishing boundaries.

Communicate Clearly and Lovingly

When setting boundaries, communicate them, directly, and with love. Remember, setting boundaries is not about pushing others away but inviting them into a healthier and more God-honoring interaction.

Be Prepared for Resistance

Change can be hard, and not everyone will understand or respect your need for boundaries immediately. Stand firm, and remember that obedience to God’s leading is your priority.

Conclusion

Enforcing boundaries is an act of obedience and wisdom. It protects what God has entrusted to you—your time, your health, your relationships, and most importantly, your relationship with Him. By recognizing the signs that boundaries are needed and taking steps to implement them, you open up space for peace, fruitfulness, and a deeper walk with Christ. Remember, boundaries are not just barriers but the framework within which a healthy, vibrant, and God-honoring life can flourish.

In our quest for personal growth and well-being, one of the most significant battles can be with the very thoughts that fill our minds. Negative thought patterns can be incredibly destructive, perpetuating cycles of anxiety, depression, and limiting self-beliefs. However, breaking free from these patterns is within reach if you have the right strategies. Let’s explore practical ways to interrupt negative thoughts and foster a more positive, resilient mindset.

1. Awareness and Identification

The first step in changing any behavior, including thinking, is to become aware of it. Often, negative thoughts are automatic and habitual, making it challenging to recognize them as they occur. Start by actively monitoring your thoughts throughout the day. When you catch yourself spiraling into negativity, pause and note the thought. Labeling thoughts as "negative" or writing them down can distance you emotionally and help you analyze them objectively.

2. Challenge and Replace

Once you've identified a negative thought, challenge its validity. Ask yourself questions like, "Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?" and "What evidence do I have to support or refute this thought?" This process is known as cognitive restructuring and is a core aspect of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). After challenging the negative thought, replace it with a more realistic and positive one. For instance, change "I’ll never be good at this" to "I can improve with practice and learning."

3. Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is a powerful tool in dealing with negative thoughts. It teaches you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment and lets them pass without getting entangled in them. Regular practice can help you gain control over your thought processes and keep you rooted in the present moment, reducing the incidence of ruminative thoughts about the past or worries about the future.

4. Setting the Tone with Affirmations

Positive affirmations can reinforce self-belief and counteract the harm caused by negative thoughts. These are positive, empowering statements that, when repeated regularly, can help to change the narrative you have about yourself and your abilities. For example, an affirmation like "I am capable and strong, and I tackle challenges with courage," can be a powerful antidote to negative self-talk.

5. Gratitude Journaling

One way to shift focus from negative to positive is by maintaining a gratitude journal. Daily jotting down things you are grateful for can significantly boost your mood and perspective. This practice encourages you to notice and appreciate the smaller joys and victories, often overshadowed by pervasive negative thoughts.

6. Physical Activity

Exercise is not only good for the body but also for the mind. Physical activity releases endorphins, chemicals in your brain that act as natural painkillers and mood elevators. Regular exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve self-image, making it easier to combat negative thoughts.

7. Connect with Others

Isolation can deepen negative thought patterns, while sharing your feelings with others can provide a new perspective. Whether it’s talking with friends, family, or a professional therapist, being connected helps you feel supported and less alone in your struggles. Sometimes, merely verbalizing your thoughts can help diminish their power.

8. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, be gentle with yourself. Everyone experiences negative thoughts at one time or another. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d offer a good friend. When you miss the mark, remind yourself that perfection is not the goal—growth is.

Conclusion

Transforming negative thought patterns into positive ones requires consistent practice and patience. By becoming more mindful of your thought patterns, actively challenging them, staying physically and socially active, and practicing gratitude and affirmations, you can cultivate a healthier, more optimistic mindset. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection. With each small step, you're paving the way to a more empowered and positive self.

So what is it that makes a person powerful? Affluence? Intelligence? Chiseled physique? We sure would love to possess any or all of the above! However, on the granular level it all boils down to the power of choice. We can choose a path paved in education, seeking out arenas to be influential over others or pounding it out at the gym. We possess free will to pursue our goals and dreams.

Once an individual realizes that the power to choose is in their midst, it could change their life for good as they begin see things in this new light. They recognize the ownership aspect of all they do and say now with the ball in their court. There is nothing mystic about this concept nor is it unattainable for even the most seemingly powerless individual. It is just a skill set.  Equate this with the idea that if I actually go to the gym and actually work out, I will get stronger. Keep in mind that repetition and mindfulness are key ingredients in the mix.

A powerful person says, “I choose to be responsible for myself and  I will be responsible in relationship with others, requiring others to respect me as I respect them. I foster self control through this connection. You will never be disappointed with my choices because I have already set the standard with love, respect and responsibility. You can count on my yes being yes and my no being no. There is no fear, second guessing or surprises  in relating with me. I realize that not everyone is going to like me (particularly powerless people) and that’s ok.”

Here are the traits seen in a powerful person:

Always at peace

Driven by truth

Take full responsibility for the choices they make

Find happiness based on who they are, what they desire and what they are committed to

Deliberately set standards for how they will be treated 

Deliberately set standards for how they treat others

They are who they say they are

They do what they say they will do

Love is never dependent on being loved in return

They love no matter what

Here are the traits in a powerless person:

Never content

Driven by anxiety

Need others to make them happy 

Since it seems not safe to be themselves they need to latch on to others to cope and survive

It’s their mission to control using all sorts of tactics that are toxic to themselves and others: nagging, withdrawal, ridicule, anger, crying, undue pressure attempting to get their way.

Can you recognize the traits of a powerful person yourself or your loved one? Powerless? If you do just know that meeting with a clinical counselor or for marriage counseling can help you overcome powerlessness and begin to live a more satisfying life in all your relationships. The benefits of learning to be powerful, as you can see, are great. You can go from being powerless to powerful, controlling to self-control, fear to love, and distance to connection. It’s your call…

Dr. Anita J. Arrunategui/ Images: Canva Pro/ Danny Silk “Keep Your Love On

 The content published is for informational purposes. The content included in this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Blog. One: Hurt: Let's Pull off the band-aid.

This is my first blog, where I'd like to share about Jehovah Rapha: "The Lord that heals thee." - Exodus 15:26 (NIV). I have been called into Christian Counseling and have been clinically trained with a unique skill set to understand and help people overcome depression, anxiety, or grief while incorporating the Christian belief system. In everything that I do, I aim to point people towards God as the great counselor and physician.

We live in a broken world full of pain and hurt. The fall of Adam and Eve when deceived led to hurt. As a child, I would get hurt from falling off my bike and dread telling my dad. He used warm soap and water to clean the wound, then poured alcohol on it before applying a Band-Aid.

I would later pull the Band-Aid off slowly, but my dad would always rip it off fast, claiming it would hurt less. I always thought it would hurt more. If a scab has formed, the wound is in the process of healing, and the Band-Aid could be removed. Do you have a scab over your wound or hurt? I can help.

I help individuals grappling with overwhelming stress, loneliness, and hopelessness. Through our work together, my clients experience peace and wholeness and feel safe and secure in growing through Christ. I provide Christian psychotherapy, and new clients find hope in our sessions. I build relationships with my clients to guide them towards Christ as a healer and source of hope.
Do you hurt?
Let us pull the Band-Aid off slowly.
Let’s work together to heal your wound.
It used to be a jingle, "I am stuck on Band-Aid because Band-Aid stuck on me."
Are you stuck? Call me.

Sleep is a gift from God, meant to rejuvenate our bodies and minds for the tasks He sets before us. However, many Christians struggle with sleep issues that can impact their daily life and spiritual wellness. By integrating faith-focused activities into our daytime routines, we can create an environment that is conducive to peaceful nights of rest. Here are some habits that can improve your sleep quality.

Seek God

Just as natural sunlight is essential for regulating our sleep-wake cycles, the light of Christ is crucial for our spiritual well-being. Begin your day with exposure to God's Word, allowing it to fill and guide you. Spend time in prayer each morning, asking for peace and rest, and thanking Him for the new day. A heart attuned to gratitude can ease anxiety and promote better sleep.

Engage in Physical Worship

Scripture encourages physical expression of our worship, and engaging in activities such as walking while praying can not only honor God but also improve our sleep. Exercise is proven to help tire the body and reduce stress, and when combined with worship, it can be a powerful tool in preparing us for rest. Be mindful of the time of day, as vigorous activity too close to bedtime may become a hindrance.

Nourish the Body as a Temple

Our bodies are described as temples of the Holy Spirit, and what we put into them can affect every aspect of our health, including our sleep. Strive to consume foods that honor your body—fruits, vegetables, and whole grains can help improve sleep quality. Be cautious with caffeine and heavy meals, particularly later in the day, to avoid disrupting your sleep pattern.

Cultivate a Spirit of Stillness

In the book of Psalms, we are reminded to "be still and know" that He is God. Taking time throughout the day to still our minds and hearts can foster a sense of peace that extends into the night. Develop a practice of daily quiet time, away from the hustle and bustle, to meditate on God's promises and rejuvenate your spirit.

Gain Strength through Fellowship

Hebrews encourages us to not forsake assembling. Engaging in Christian fellowship, whether through church functions, Bible study groups, or prayer meetings, can uplift the spirit and dispel the loneliness that often hinders good sleep. Shared testimonies of God's faithfulness can also strengthen our faith and ease our nightly rest.

Embody Consistency and Ritual

A consistent and intentional approach to our day reflects the orderliness of God's creation. As such, maintaining a regular wake-sleep schedule aligns with the rhythm He established for us. Incorporate rituals that prepare your heart for the end of the day, such as evening prayers or reading through a devotional, to signal to your mind and body that it is time to rest.

Confront Stress through Trust in God

Numerous Scripture verses remind us to cast our cares upon the Lord. Instead of allowing stress to consume your day and disrupt your sleep, actively place your worries in God's hands through prayer and supplication. Moreover, seek wisdom through the counsel of pastors, church elders, or fellow believers to alleviate the burdens weighing on your sleep.

Reflect and Give Thanks

As you navigate finding the best routine for a restful night's sleep, take time to reflect on the day's activities and their impact on your rest. Maintain a journal to track your sleep, noting how different experiences affected you. Offer up thanks for the progress you make and seek guidance on areas of improvement.

Incorporating these Christ-centered activities into your daily life not only enhances sleep quality but also draws you closer to God. Sleep becomes more than just a biological necessity; it turns into an extension of your daily worship and trust in the Lord. These habits are not just about physical rest—they are about nurturing your relationship with God and finding peace in His presence, knowing that "He gives to His beloved sleep" (Psalm 127:2).

Let your daytime routine be a reflection of your faith, and you'll find that your nights are filled with the restful sleep that God intends for all of us. Remember, in God’s sovereign care, each night is an opportunity to lay down not just your head, but your worries and fears, trusting in Him to renew you for the day to come.

Breakups can be a profoundly emotional and challenging experience for anyone. For Christians, the end of a relationship might carry additional weight, as it can challenge not only personal emotions but also spiritual and communal expectations. It's not uncommon, then, for individuals to encounter feelings of regret after a relationship has ended. Exploring these regrets within the Christian faith can offer a unique perspective on processing and overcoming these difficult emotions.

The Commonality of Regrets After a Breakup

Regret is a universal feeling that can serve as a powerful tool for self-reflection and growth. In the wake of a breakup, one might regret things said or done, opportunities missed, or simply the loss of what was believed to be part of God's plan for their life. These regrets can be cast in a sharper relief within the Christian context, where the sanctity of relationships is often emphasized, and 'what could have been' can echo deeply within one's faith walk.

However, it's important to realize that experiencing regret is common and, more importantly, human. King Solomon, in his wisdom, declares in Ecclesiastes 3:4 that there is "a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." Emotional valleys are expected in the rhythm of life.

The Role of Self-Reflection

When faced with post-breakup regrets, taking time to reflect is crucial. This isn't about dwelling on the past but rather understanding and learning from it. Self-reflection can help discern whether the regret is rooted in a genuine conviction or if it arises from a sense of failed expectations or external pressures. Christians can turn to prayer and Scripture during this time for clarity and guidance.

The Power of Prayer and Community

Engaging in prayer is a transformative way for Christians to process their feelings of regret. Philippians 4:6-7 encourages us not to be anxious about anything but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present our requests to God. Through prayer, individuals can lay their burdens before the Lord and receive comfort and peace.

Furthermore, the Christian community plays a significant role in healing post-breakup. Sharing your struggles with trusted friends, church leaders, or support groups can lighten the emotional load. Galatians 6:2 instructs believers to "bear one another's burdens," ensuring that nobody has to navigate their healing journey in isolation.

Embracing Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness is a crucial step in overcoming regrets. This does not mean trivializing your past mistakes but understanding that you are human and that God offers grace and new beginnings. 1 John 1:9 reassures us that "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." Accepting God's forgiveness frees Christians from the bondage of past regrets and allows them to forgive themselves as well.

Finding Lessons in the Pain

Every experience, especially a painful breakup, carries a lesson. It's beneficial to consider what God might be teaching you through this trying time. Romans 8:28 promises that "all things work together for good for those who love God." Thus, Christians can find solace in knowing that even their regrets and pain can be woven into a larger tapestry of growth and faith.

Moving Forward with Faith

Moving forward after a breakup, especially when encumbered with regret, requires faith. Christians believe that they are guided by a sovereign God who knows the future and has a purpose for all things, even broken relationships. Jeremiah 29:11 offers the comforting assurance that God has "plans to give you hope and a future."

Conclusion

Encountering regrets after a breakup is a common part of the human experience, and within the Christian faith, it can catalyze deep spiritual growth and renewal. Christians grappling with post-breakup regrets are encouraged to engage in self-reflection, lean into their faith and community, practice self-forgiveness, learn from their experiences, and move forward with the understanding that God's plans are perfect, even when they diverge from what was once hoped for.

In navigating these feelings, remember the promise in Psalms 34:18, "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Healing may take time, but with God's help and the support of the Christian community, it is possible to emerge from the shadow of regret with newfound wisdom and hope.

Shakira is currently recruiting for 6 to 8 professional women of color (ages 28 to 39) who are interested in participating in a 12-week virtual chronic pain group for professional women struggling with chronic pelvic pain. This group will have a membership option that members can opt into for a small monthly fee after completion. In the group, they can continue to support each other, create a community, meet up, and share resources. Members must be in the New York area to join. Please email Shakira for a screening call.

Benefits and aims of the group
Co-regulate with like minded women who get it
Facilitated by someone with lived experience
Reframe unhelpful thoughts and learn to accept pain
Increase pain management coping skills and pain tolerance
Complete a personal project to help yourself engage with what’s most important
Have access to a community membership after completion

Cost $100 per session
Meeting weekly on zoom starting
August 21st, 2024
7pm to 8:30pm EST

Contact info@cheerfulheartmhcpllc.com for more information

Please read my blog post to learn more about the benefits of support groups for chronic pelvic pain.

Depression can feel like a heavy blanket that dims even the brightest days. For those who struggle with this daunting condition, even simple tasks can seem insurmountable. As a licensed counselor, one of the most effective strategies I recommend to my clients is setting small, achievable goals. This approach not only fosters a sense of accomplishment but also helps in gradually lifting the fog of depression.

Understanding the Impact of Depression

Depression impacts each individual differently, manifesting in symptoms such as persistent sadness, lack of energy, and a pervasive sense of hopelessness. It can dramatically influence one's ability to perform daily activities. The key to navigating through this is understanding that small steps can lead to significant changes.

The Power of Small Goals

When you're experiencing depressive episodes, the thought of completing even routine activities can feel overwhelming. The mere idea of planning a day can be daunting. However, breaking down these tasks into smaller, manageable steps can substantially reduce anxiety and improve your ability to cope.

Start Simple

Begin with goals that are easy to achieve. For instance, if your objective is to get more physically active, start by walking for five minutes around your home or down your street. Once you find this manageable, gradually increase the time or distance.

Celebrate Small Wins

Each small goal achieved is a step towards overcoming depression. Celebrate these milestones, no matter how minor they may seem. This could be as simple as acknowledging your effort, treating yourself to a cup of your favorite coffee, or sharing your progress with a supportive friend or family member.

Maintain a Goal Journal

Keeping a journal can be incredibly helpful. Documenting your goals along with the steps you plan to take to achieve them helps in maintaining focus. Additionally, looking back at what you have accomplished can be a powerful motivator on tougher days.

Stay Flexible

It’s important to remember that setbacks can happen, and that’s okay. Be flexible with your goals and adjust them as needed. The aim is not perfection but progress.

Seek Support

Combating depression is not a journey you have to take alone. Involve trusted friends or family who can encourage your small successes. Furthermore, professional help from a counselor or therapist can provide you with the tools to manage your depression effectively.

Connect Spiritually

For many, faith plays a crucial part in managing depression. Integrating prayer, meditation, or Bible reading into your daily goals can provide comfort and hope.

Moving Forward

The journey through depression is personal and unique to each individual. Setting small, manageable goals allows you to take control of your life at your own pace. Remember, each step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, consider reaching out for professional help. Together, we can navigate the path to recovery and renewal.

Elisha S. Lee, LPC is a licensed counselor with a passion for helping individuals resolve challenges related to depression, anxiety, and spiritual conflicts through tailored, faith-based approaches.

For more insights and assistance, visit our website to find the right support for your journey.

The effects of childhood trauma resonate throughout a person's life, influencing their physical, mental, and emotional well-being. A pivotal study by Kaiser Permanente and the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) examined 9,508 individuals to understand the impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). This ten-question assessment revealed the profound consequences of early trauma and highlighted the need for effective interventions.

Understanding ACEs

The assessment measured eight types of ACEs: emotional, physical, and sexual abuse; physical and emotional neglect; and family disruptions such as incarceration, mental illness, substance abuse, intimate partner violence, divorce, and parental separation. Each type of adverse experience a respondent encountered added a point to their ACE score. The results were alarming. Individuals with four or more ACEs were four to twelve times more likely to face health issues, substance abuse, depression, and suicide attempts. They were also significantly more likely to smoke, have poor self-image, engage in risky sexual behavior, and suffer from sexually transmitted diseases.

The Long-Term Health Risks

Those with high ACE scores are at a greater risk for numerous diseases, including ischemic heart disease, cancer, chronic lung disease, skeletal fractures, and liver disease. One in six adults has experienced four or more ACEs, which are linked to five of the top ten causes of death in the United States. A staggering 61% of Americans have at least one ACE, while 16% have four or more. High ACE scores are also associated with lifelong pathology and increased dysregulation during stressful events, such as the COVID-19 pandemic.

Developmental Trauma and the Brain

Children repeatedly exposed to trauma may meet the criteria for developmental trauma, characterized by disruptions in primary caregiving, chronic caregiver dysregulation, community violence, and various forms of abuse. These traumatic events impact brain structure and function, leading to potential neurobiological impairments. The brain develops rapidly in the first four years of life, making early ACEs particularly disruptive. Trauma during these critical periods can cause lasting changes in brain organization and function.

The brain's development follows a sequential path, beginning with the medulla and progressing through the pons, diencephalon, limbic system, and cortex. Interruptions during early developmental stages can cause more profound disruptions than adverse experiences later in life. Trauma can lead to a persistent state of hypervigilance, with the brainstem becoming oversensitive and overreactive, often resulting in behaviors like dissociation and hypervigilance as normal survival responses.

Prevention and Treatment

While numerous prevention plans aim to reduce ACEs for future generations, few treatment recommendations address developmental trauma. The CDC's ACE prevention plan focuses on education about ACE-associated health conditions and leveraging community resources like coaches, schools, and mental health workers.

Felitti, the lead researcher of the ACE study, recommended treatments such as eye-movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), Ericksonian hypnotherapy, and psychoeducation from websites like ACES Too High and ACES Connection. Reading materials like "The Body Keeps Score" by Bessel van der Kolk and "Scared Sick" by Robin Karr-Morse also offer insights into healing from trauma.

However, these treatments often overlook developmental delays. Effective trauma treatment must address the brain's development from the bottom up. Interventions should begin with the medulla, targeting self-regulation skills through rhythmic, repetitive, and somatosensory activities such as nature walks, dance, drumming, sports, massage, trauma-informed yoga, play, tactile therapies, and art therapies. After addressing brainstem deficits, treatments can then focus on the diencephalon, limbic system, and neocortex.

The Need for a Comprehensive Protocol

Despite the availability of assessment tools like the Neurosequential Model of Therapeutics (NMT), which maps delays in neurosequential brain development, there is no standardized therapy addressing these neurodevelopment gaps. Current treatment plans must evolve to include comprehensive protocols that target neurodevelopmental trauma effectively.

The high incidence of ACEs and their association with severe health outcomes underscore the urgent need for standardized treatment protocols. Research must continue to develop and refine these models, ensuring they address the complex and lifelong effects of childhood trauma.

Conclusion

The legacy of childhood trauma can shape a person's entire life, but with the right interventions, healing is possible. By understanding ACEs and developing targeted treatments, we can mitigate the profound impacts of early adverse experiences and help individuals lead healthier, more fulfilling lives. Dr. Dunkin has written a theoretical treatment plan to address the five levels of the brain that are impacted by developmental trauma and high ACE scores. Stay tuned for this series and learn how we address the medulla, pons, diencephalon, limbic system, and the cortex.

Let’s face it, being a mom is tough. It’s a job that comes with unexpected surprises, daily challenges, and the constant balance of joy and chaos.

As a mom life coach (and mom of 4 myself), I’ve seen firsthand the whirlwind of joy and challenges that come with raising little ones. It’s a path that can often leave us feeling overwhelmed, questioning if we’re doing enough, and sometimes losing ourselves in the endless to-do lists.

But what if I told you that amidst the chaos, there’s a space for calm, a moment for breath, and an opportunity for presence? This is the heart of mindful motherhood – a practice not of perfection, but of embracing each moment with intention and grace.

In this blog, we’ll explore unique and practical tips that go beyond the generic advice. These are the pearls of wisdom that have not only helped me but countless other moms to find peace in the pandemonium, to turn the mundane into the meaningful, and to cultivate a sense of mindfulness that nourishes both you and your children.

So, take a deep breath (no really, calm your body and mind with a big, deep breath). And remember, if you ever need a guiding hand or a listening ear, my mom life coaching services are here to support you every step of the way. Let’s rediscover the joy of motherhood together.

Mindful Motherhood: Nurturing Presence in the Midst of Chaos

Mindful motherhood isn’t about creating a flawless routine or maintaining a zen-like calm in the face of toddler tantrums. It’s about being present—truly present—in the thick of it all. It’s the art of tuning into the now, even when the ‘now’ is messy, loud, and pulling you in a million directions.

At its core, mindful motherhood is the practice of awareness. It’s noticing the subtle sweetness of your child’s morning yawn, the texture of playdough between your fingers, and the sound of tiny feet pattering across the floor. It’s about embracing each moment with your children, not as a task to check off, but as an experience to savor.

But it’s also about self-compassion. Being a mindful mom means recognizing that you’re doing your best, even when your best is just getting through the day without a major meltdown—yours or your child’s. It’s about forgiving yourself for the burnt dinners and the missed story times, knowing that perfection is not the goal; connection is.

Mindful motherhood is a journey of reflection and growth. It’s about pausing to breathe before reacting, learning to listen not just to the words your child says, but to the emotions they express. It’s about finding joy in the mundane and learning to let go of the guilt that often accompanies the balancing act of motherhood.

In essence, mindful motherhood is about cultivating a mindful approach to life that permeates your parenting. It’s about growing alongside your children, and in the process, teaching them the value of being present, of being mindful, in their own lives.

Unique Tips for Mindful Mothering

Motherhood is a journey that’s as rewarding as it is demanding. To help you navigate this path with a mindful approach, here are some unique tips that are not only achievable but also tailored to fit the busy life of an overwhelmed mom.

1. The ‘Five-Minute Savor’

What it is: This is about finding a brief moment each day to pause and savor a peaceful interaction with your child.

How to do it: Whether it’s during a quiet cuddle before bedtime or a shared giggle over a silly face, take five uninterrupted minutes to fully engage and appreciate the connection.

Why it works: It helps to reset your stress levels and reminds you of the joy in motherhood.

2. ‘Gratitude Graffiti’

What it is: A creative way to visually capture the daily joys of parenting.

How to do it: Keep a chalkboard or whiteboard in a common area where you jot down one thing you’re grateful for each day.

Why it works: It serves as a visual reminder of the positive aspects of your life and can be a great conversation starter with your kids about gratitude.

3. ‘Solo Soiree’

What it is: Regularly scheduled short breaks for self-care.

How to do it: Plan for a brief outing alone—be it a walk in the park, a coffee shop visit, or simply sitting in your car with your favorite music.

Why it works: It gives you a much-needed breather and a chance to recharge, making you more present when you’re with your family.

4. ‘Mindful Munching’

What it is: Turning meal preparation and eating into a mindfulness exercise.

How to do it: Engage all your senses as you cook and eat, appreciating the colors, textures, smells, and tastes of your food.

Why it works: It transforms a routine task into a mindful ritual, promoting calmness and reducing stress.

5. ‘Sensory Storytime’

What it is: An enhanced story time that engages all the senses.

How to do it: Use scented candles, cozy blankets, or background sounds to create a multi-sensory experience while reading to your child.

Why it works: It creates a calming routine and helps both you and your child to wind down.

By integrating these mindful practices into your daily routine, you can find small oases of calm in the busy desert of motherhood. Remember, it’s not about adding more to your plate; it’s about infusing what’s already there with intention and care.

Overcoming Common Obstacles on the Mindful Journey

Embarking on the journey of mindful motherhood is a commitment to personal growth and presence. However, it’s not without its hurdles. Here are some common obstacles you might face and strategies to overcome them:

1. Feeling Overwhelmed

Obstacle: The endless to-do list can make mindfulness seem like another chore.

Strategy: Start small. Choose one daily activity during which you’ll practice being fully present. It could be as simple as drinking your morning coffee or brushing your teeth.

2. Constant Interruptions

Obstacle: Kids have an uncanny ability to need something the moment you sit down.

Strategy: Set clear boundaries. Explain to your children that you need a few minutes of ‘quiet time’ and gradually increase this as they learn to respect this space.

3. Guilt of ‘Not Doing Enough’

Obstacle: Many moms struggle with the feeling that they’re not meeting some invisible standard of motherhood.

Strategy: Acknowledge your efforts. Recognize that being a mindful mom doesn’t mean being a perfect mom. Celebrate the small victories and forgive the imperfections.

4. Finding Time for Yourself

Obstacle: It can seem impossible to find time for yourself when you’re caring for others.

Strategy: Get creative with ‘me time’. It might be waking up 15 minutes earlier to enjoy the silence or using naptime to meditate instead of doing chores.

5. Maintaining Consistency

Obstacle: Consistency is key in mindfulness, but it’s often hard to maintain.

Strategy: Link your mindfulness practice to an established habit. For example, practice deep breathing every time you buckle your child into the car seat.

By recognizing these obstacles and implementing these strategies, you can maintain your path towards mindful motherhood even when challenges arise. Remember, the goal isn’t to avoid obstacles but to learn how to navigate them with grace and self-compassion.

Mindful Conclusion

As we wrap up our journey through mindful motherhood, let’s pause and reflect on the key takeaways that can transform your daily parenting experience:

Mindfulness is attainable in the midst of motherhood’s chaos. It’s about being present in the small, everyday moments with your children and yourself.

Self-compassion is essential. Remember, being a mindful mommy doesn’t mean being perfect; it means being present and forgiving yourself for the imperfections.

Small steps lead to big changes. Incorporate mindfulness into your routine gradually, and celebrate the tiny victories along the way.

You’re not alone. Building a community of like-minded moms can provide support and shared wisdom to enrich your mindful parenting journey.

And finally, if you’re feeling overwhelmed and unsure where to start, or if you’re seeking a deeper connection with your children and yourself, I’m here to help. As a mom life coach, I offer personalized guidance to help you navigate the beautiful, sometimes bumpy road of motherhood with mindfulness and grace.

Take the first step towards a more mindful motherhood today. Reach out for a free initial consultation, and let’s explore how we can work together to bring more peace, presence, and joy into your life as a mom.

Remember, the most profound changes often begin with a single, mindful step.

With love and imperfection,
Kelly

The Interrelationships between Life Crises, Stress, Trauma, and Traumatic stress

As it relates to the behavioral sciences, the term stress may possibly be best understood when differentiated from the modern vernacular of adversarial events versus the direct impact of situations or circumstances that have pervasive and/or long-lasting effects on an individual’s mental health at various stages of their life span. According to Levers (2022), simply put “stress is a reality of existence” (p. 49). Postmodern culture being what it is, has arguably increased the magnitude and levels of stress associated with daily living. Levers (2022) further contends that from a definition perspective, crisis takes on paradoxical and semantic connotations that incorporate both degrees of illness and situations requiring intervention. From a broad-based mental health perspective, and more specifically a traumatology intervention or crisis counseling perspective, the foregoing sematic considerations may affect how these life challenges are dealt with.

Trauma: A Phenomenon

Trauma, as a phenomenon, perhaps can best be described as somewhat contextual while encapsulating an ongoing process of evolution (Briere & Scott, 2015). According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (5th ed.; DSM–5; American Psychiatric Association, 2013), trauma may be interpreted as some form of exposure to actual or potentially death threatening situations that may be associated with some kind of serious physical injury and/or sexual violence. From a contextual perspective, the situations and circumstances under which trauma may be experienced include: (a) direct encounter(s) with the previously mentioned events, (b) being present when a traumatic event occurs, (c) learning of or finding out about a specific violent or accidental traumatic event or series of events typically associated with a close friend or family member or (d) being repeatedly exposed to trauma, particularly in relational to daily activities associated with one’s occupation or career (APA, 2013). As it relates to traumatic stress, Briere and Scott (2015) contend that an event may be deemed traumatic if it is extremely upsetting and sufficiently overwhelms an individual’s internal resource capability, thereby resulting in inhibited functioning and that results in lasting psychological symptoms. There continues to be significant discussion and diverse interpretations as to what defines traumatic stress (Briere & Scott, 2015; Levers, 2022).

Some Psychosocial Effects of Trauma

Another consideration that continues to engage scholars is trying to better understand the impact that trauma has on both individuals, communities and societies. According to Spence et al., (2019), there continues to be considerable discussion and debate as to what constitutes trauma. As such, are there possible differentiations in relation to how ordinary negative events may impact an individual versus communal and/or societal impacts and/or vulnerabilities? From a contextual perspective are some individuals or ethnic groups more prone to physical, mental, emotional and/or psychological vulnerabilities? According to Briere and Scott (2015), Hispanics and African Americans in the military, were also more likely to be exposed to high combat stress than whites.

Some Practical Clinical Traumatology Interventions

From a traumatology perspective, where does this leave clinicians regarding applicable client interventions? According to Froerer et al., (2018) SFBT supported with effective client management provides a conceptual, comprehensive, and practical approach for trauma intervention. I submit that intentionally adopting a lifestyle of self-care geared to lessen stress, whether it means asking other people to share your burdens or using stress management techniques may also be considered. Other therapeutic approaches such CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), EDMR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy may also be considered and employed by practitioners.
Lastly, techniques such as mindfulness meditation, or deep breathing, healthy diet, exercise and adequate sleep each night may provide viable therapeutic intervention options. In addition, short-term crisis counseling may be helpful when an individual is coping with something overwhelming or traumatic. The purpose of crisis counseling is to deal with the prevailing mental health of the individual dealing with a crisis. As such, chronic exposure to stress or trauma can lead to mental illness and crisis counselors have skills and knowledge that may help clients cope with current stressors and trauma.

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text rev.). https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425787

Briere, J. & Scott, C. (2015). Principles of trauma therapy: A guide to symptoms, evaluation, and treatment (2nd ed.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.

Froerer, A., von Cziffra-Bergs, J., Kim, J., & Connie, E. (2018). Solution-focused brief therapy with client managing trauma. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.

Levers, L. L. (2022). Trauma counseling: Theories and interventions for managing trauma, stress, crisis and disaster. New York, NY: Springer Publishing Company.

Spence, R., Kagan, L., & Bifulco, A. (2019). A contextual approach to trauma experience: Lessons from life events research. Psychological Medicine, 49,1409-1413. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1017/S0033291719000850.

Criticism is a part of life, but why does it sometimes feel like a punch in the gut?

Even when it’s meant to help us grow, criticism can sting.

Let’s explore why that happens and how we can turn criticism into a tool for self-growth.

Understanding the Emotional Impact of Criticism

Criticism touches on our sense of self-worth. Whether it’s feedback from a boss, a partner, or even a friend, it can feel deeply personal. Our brains are wired to protect us from threats, and criticism can be perceived as a threat to our self-esteem.

Childhood Experiences

Many of us carry experiences from childhood where criticism was not constructive. Perhaps we were scolded more than praised, leading us to develop a sensitivity to negative feedback.

Our early environments shape how we respond to criticism as adults. If our caregivers or teachers frequently pointed out our flaws without balancing it with encouragement, we might have internalized the belief that we are never good enough.

Sarah* remembers her teachers constantly pointing out her mistakes without recognizing her effort, making her wary of any criticism today.

Self-Esteem and Insecurity

Low self-esteem and insecurities magnify the impact of criticism. When we doubt ourselves, any negative feedback can confirm our worst fears about our inadequacies.

Insecurity can create a vicious cycle where criticism feels like a validation of our worst thoughts about ourselves. This can lead to anxiety, depression, and a reluctance to take risks or try new things.

Aisha* struggles with self-doubt and finds even gentle suggestions at work make her feel like a failure.

Differentiating Constructive Criticism from Negative Criticism

Not all criticism is created equal. Understanding the difference is crucial for emotional health.

Negative Criticism

This type often lacks a constructive angle and can feel like an attack. It’s usually more about the critic than the one being criticized.

Negative criticism is often vague, focusing on what is wrong without offering ways to improve. It can feel demoralizing and unhelpful, often leaving us feeling worse about ourselves.

Jenny* received harsh comments on her presentation that focused more on her speaking style rather than offering ways to improve.

Constructive Criticism

Constructive criticism aims to help us grow. It’s specific, actionable, and delivered with kindness.

Constructive feedback focuses on behavior and outcomes, not personal traits. It provides clear, specific suggestions for improvement, which can be empowering and motivating.

Anna’s* manager suggested she improve her project management skills and offered resources to help her learn.

How to Handle Criticism Constructively

Receiving criticism without feeling crushed is a skill we can develop.

Pause Before Reacting

Take a moment to breathe and process the feedback. Reacting immediately can lead to defensive or emotional responses.

A pause allows us to shift from an emotional reaction to a more rational response, giving us time to assess the feedback objectively.

Ask for Clarification

If the feedback is vague, ask for specifics. Understanding the details can make it easier to accept and act upon.

When Clara* received feedback on her writing, she asked for examples of where she could improve, which helped her see the areas needing work.

Focus on the Content, Not the Delivery

Sometimes, the way criticism is delivered can overshadow the actual message. Focus on the useful parts of the feedback.

By focusing on the message rather than the delivery, we can extract valuable insights and ignore the less helpful elements.

Lily* found it hard to accept feedback from a brusque colleague until she started focusing on the content rather than the tone.

Develop a Support System

Having a network of supportive friends, family, or colleagues can provide a buffer against the negative impact of criticism. They can offer perspective and help reinforce our strengths.

Megan* turns to her supportive friends when she receives tough feedback. They help her see the constructive parts and remind her of her worth.

Turning Criticism into Growth

Criticism can be a powerful tool for self-improvement when we approach it with the right mindset.

Embrace a Growth Mindset

Viewing criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow rather than a personal attack can change our perspective.

A growth mindset involves seeing challenges as opportunities for improvement and believing that our abilities can develop with effort and practice.

Maria* started seeing feedback as a chance to enhance her skills, which helped her grow in her career.

Practice Self-Compassion

Being kind to ourselves when we receive criticism can buffer the negative emotions and help us process it constructively.

Self-compassion involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer a friend. It helps to soothe the sting of criticism and encourages a more balanced perspective.

After receiving tough feedback, Kate* reminded herself that everyone makes mistakes and that she’s capable of improvement.

Strategies to Strengthen Resilience to Criticism

Building resilience to criticism involves developing a set of strategies that help us process feedback in a healthy way.

Reflect on the Feedback

Take time to reflect on the criticism and identify any valid points. This can help separate useful insights from emotional reactions.

When Jamal* received feedback on his project, he spent an evening reflecting on the comments and identifying areas for improvement.

Reframe the Criticism

Try to reframe the criticism as an opportunity for growth rather than a personal attack. This can shift our mindset and make the feedback seem less threatening.

Laura* started viewing criticism as a way to discover her blind spots and work on them.

Set Personal Goals

Use the feedback to set specific, achievable goals for improvement. This can turn criticism into a roadmap for personal development.

After receiving feedback on her time management skills, Mei* set a goal to prioritize her tasks and use a planner to stay organized.

Seeking Professional Help

Sometimes, the impact of criticism is deeply rooted and might require professional support to address.

Counseling in Calgary

Counseling can provide a safe space to explore why criticism affects us deeply and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Counselors can help identify underlying issues, such as past traumas or low self-esteem, and work with us to build resilience and self-compassion.

Benefits of Counseling

• Emotional Support: Counseling offers a supportive environment to process emotions.
• Skill Development: Learn practical skills to handle criticism constructively.
• Self-Awareness: Increase self-awareness and understand personal triggers.

Conclusion

Criticism is inevitable, but it doesn’t have to derail our self-esteem. By understanding why it affects us and learning how to handle it constructively, we can turn criticism into a powerful tool for growth.

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.

For more on managing criticism and personal growth, consider exploring counseling options in Calgary. It can be a transformative step towards a healthier, more resilient you.

*All references to persons are fictitious and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Insecurity is something we all deal with at different points in our lives. Whether it's about our looks, our abilities, or our relationships, these feelings can really hold us back. The good news is, by figuring out why we feel insecure, we can start working on overcoming it and living more confidently. Let’s explore the top five causes of insecurity and how we can tackle them, with some help from biblical wisdom and the teachings of Jesus.

1. Comparison with Others
We’ve all been there—scrolling through Instagram, seeing perfect photos of friends, and suddenly feeling like we don’t measure up. This constant comparison can be a huge insecurity trigger.

Why It Happens:

Social media is like a highlight reel. We see everyone's best moments but not the tough times.

Biblical Perspective:

Jesus reminds us to focus on our own path. In John 21:22, He says, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me." It's a gentle nudge to stay in our own lane and trust God's plan for us.

How to Overcome It:

Spend less time on social media and be picky about what you follow.
Celebrate your own achievements instead of comparing them to others.
Keep a gratitude journal to remind yourself of the good things in your life.
2. Negative Self-Talk
The way we talk to ourselves can be really powerful. If we’re always criticizing ourselves, it's no surprise we feel insecure.

Why It Happens:

We often internalize negative feedback from others or society’s unrealistic standards.

Biblical Perspective:

The Bible teaches us to speak kindly to ourselves. Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death." Speaking life into our situations and ourselves can change everything.

How to Overcome It:

Question your negative thoughts. Are they really true?
Swap out negative thoughts for positive affirmations. Instead of "I can't do this," try "I am capable and can handle this."
Get feedback from supportive friends and family to balance your perspective.
3. Past Experiences and Trauma
Our past, especially the tough parts, can have a big impact on our self-esteem and make us feel insecure.

Why It Happens:

Things like bullying, rejection, or failure leave lasting marks on our self-worth.

Biblical Perspective:

Joseph’s story is a great example. Despite being sold into slavery and facing many hardships, Joseph trusted God. In Genesis 50:20, he says, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good." It’s a powerful reminder that we can grow from our past.

How to Overcome It:

Acknowledge and process these experiences, maybe with a counselor’s help.
Focus on personal growth and the lessons you’ve learned.
Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for any mistakes.
4. Perfectionism
Trying to be perfect can drive us to achieve great things, but it can also make us feel constantly dissatisfied and insecure.

Why It Happens:

We set unrealistically high standards for ourselves and feel like we never measure up.

Biblical Perspective:

Jesus teaches us that His grace is enough. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Understanding that we don’t have to be perfect to be loved by God can relieve a lot of pressure.

How to Overcome It:

Set realistic and achievable goals.
Accept that perfection is an illusion and making mistakes is part of learning.
Celebrate your progress and small victories.
5. Lack of Support
Feeling unsupported or misunderstood can really fuel insecurity.

Why It Happens:

We all need a circle of people who believe in us and cheer us on.

Biblical Perspective:

The early Christian community showed us the importance of support and fellowship. Acts 2:44-45 says, "All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need." This sense of community and support is essential.

How to Overcome It:

Surround yourself with positive, supportive people.
Openly communicate your needs and feelings with trusted friends or family.
Join a support group or seek professional help to build a stronger support system.
Recognizing these common causes of insecurity is the first step to overcoming them. Remember, it’s perfectly normal to feel insecure at times, but it doesn’t have to control your life. By taking proactive steps and leaning on the teachings of Jesus and biblical examples, you can build your confidence and live a more fulfilling life.

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.

We get it—setting boundaries sounds great in theory, but when it comes to actually implementing them, it's a whole different ball game.

Whether it's saying no to another work project or setting limits with family, here are ten reasons why we all seem to resist using boundaries.

By understanding these reasons, we can start to tackle them and lead healthier, more sustainable lives.


1. We Don’t Want to Disappoint Others
We’ve all been there. We say yes to something just to avoid the disappointed look on someone’s face. But let’s be real—constantly saying yes to avoid disappointing others can lead us straight to burnout city.
Example: Jamie* has a demanding job and a busy family life. When his boss asks him to take on another project, Jamie wants to say no but worries about letting his team down. He ends up saying yes, even though he’s already stretched thin.

2. Fear of Conflict
Nobody likes confrontation. The idea of a potentially awkward or hostile conversation is enough to make us break out in a sweat. But without boundaries, those little annoyances can snowball into major conflicts down the road.

Example: jasmine* finds it hard to tell her neighbor to stop dropping by unannounced. She dreads the potential awkwardness of the conversation, so she continues to tolerate the interruptions, even though it disrupts her family’s evening routine.

3. Guilt Trips Galore
Guilt can be a powerful motivator. We feel guilty for putting our needs first or for thinking our needs matter at all. But guess what? They do matter. We need to remember that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.

Example: Lisa* feels guilty for wanting a weekend to herself. Her friends invite her out for a weekend getaway, but she really needs some alone time to recharge. She goes anyway, driven by guilt, and returns even more exhausted.

4. We Like Being Needed
Admit it—we enjoy being the go-to person. It makes us feel important and valued. But constantly being on call for everyone else’s needs can leave us with no time or energy for our own.

Example: Tom* loves helping his friends move, fix their cars, and tackle DIY projects. He enjoys being the reliable friend, but he realizes he has no time left for his hobbies or relaxation.

5. We’re Afraid of Being Seen as Difficult
There’s a fear that if we set boundaries, we’ll be labeled as difficult or uncooperative. However, consistently ignoring our own limits can lead to even bigger problems, like burnout or resentment.
Example: Emily* hesitates to tell her colleagues that she can’t stay late to help with a project. She doesn’t want to be seen as uncooperative, so she sacrifices her evening plans repeatedly.

6. We Confuse Boundaries with Barriers
Sometimes we think setting a boundary means building a wall. But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about defining where we end and others begin. It’s about creating space for both ourselves and our relationships to thrive.

Example: Alex* worries that telling his family he needs alone time will hurt their feelings. He fears they’ll think he’s distancing himself, even though he just needs a little personal space to recharge.

7. Lack of Practice
Let’s face it—most of us didn’t grow up with a manual on how to set healthy boundaries. It’s a skill we have to learn and practice, and it can feel awkward or uncomfortable at first. But with time and practice, it gets easier.

Example: Karen* never learned how to say no politely. She’s used to overcommitting and struggles to set boundaries with her time. She starts practicing by declining small requests, like helping a colleague with non-urgent tasks.

8. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
Saying no can sometimes feel like we’re missing out on something fun or important. But constantly saying yes to everything can spread us too thin and leave us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Example: Dave* always agrees to social outings with his friends, even when he’s exhausted from work. He fears missing out on fun experiences, but the lack of rest starts affecting his performance at work.

9. We Underestimate Our Own Needs
We often put others' needs before our own, underestimating how important it is to prioritize our own well-being. But we can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of ourselves allows us to better support those around us.

Example: Rachel* is constantly attending to her children’s needs, her partner’s needs, and her work responsibilities. She rarely takes time for herself and starts feeling worn out and irritable.

10. We Think It’s All or Nothing
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we have to go from being a pushover to a strict enforcer overnight. It’s about finding a balance and setting limits that feel right for us. Small, incremental changes can make a big difference.

Example: Mark* thinks that setting boundaries means he has to be rigid and unyielding. He starts by setting small, flexible boundaries, like dedicating one evening a week to his hobbies, and gradually builds from there.

Overcoming Boundary Resistance

Recognizing why we resist setting boundaries is the first step towards making meaningful changes. By addressing these reasons, we can start to implement boundaries that allow us to lead healthier, more balanced lives.

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.
Practical Tips to Start Implementing Boundaries

Start Small: Begin by setting small boundaries that feel manageable. This could be as simple as saying no to an extra work task or carving out 10 minutes of alone time each day.

Communicate Clearly: Be honest and direct about your needs. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing others.
Be Consistent: Consistency is key. Stick to your boundaries even when it’s challenging. Over time, others will learn to respect your limits.
Seek Support: If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, consider seeking support from a counselor. A professional can provide guidance and help you navigate tricky situations.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries is a skill that takes time to develop.
Celebrate your progress and forgive yourself for any missteps.

By understanding and addressing these common reasons for resisting boundaries, we can create healthier, more sustainable lifestyles. It's time to prioritize our well-being and take the first step towards a more balanced life.

If you’re struggling to set boundaries or need support, Masters Counseling in Calgary is here to help. Our compassionate counselors can work with you to develop strategies for implementing healthy boundaries in your life. Contact us today to start your journey towards health and wholeness.

Losing a child is an experience that transcends words; it's a journey through profound pain, uncharted emotional depths, and an altered reality that reshapes the very fabric of life. For parents facing this unimaginable loss, navigating the path of grief can feel overwhelming and isolating. However, integrating principles from psychological theories and Christian faith can provide a framework for healing and resilience.

Preserving Connections

John Bowlby's attachment theory highlights the importance of maintaining bonds with the deceased. This does not mean clinging to the past, but rather preserving a connection that allows the parent to feel that their child remains a part of their lives in some way. This could be through cherished memories, photos, or personal rituals that honor the child's memory. These connections can offer comfort and a sense of continuity in the midst of profound change.

Allowing Time to Grieve

Grief is a deeply personal process that requires time and space to fully experience. It is crucial for parents to allow themselves to feel the breadth of their emotions—anger, sadness, confusion, and even moments of peace. Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 reminds us that there is "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance." Acknowledging and embracing the full spectrum of grief helps in moving toward healing.

Reworking Life

One of the significant challenges in parental grief is reworking life to accommodate the loss. Rather than aiming to return to a pre-loss state, parents must learn to integrate the loss into their ongoing lives. This involves creating a new normal where the memory of the child is woven into the fabric of daily living. This process is about adaptation and finding new ways to live meaningfully despite the loss.

Reaching Out for Support

In times of profound grief, reaching out for support is vital. This includes seeking the comfort and strength offered by God, as well as the support of family, friends, and professional counselors. The Bible encourages believers to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2), emphasizing the importance of community and mutual support. Sharing grief with others can lighten the emotional load and provide much-needed comfort.

Finding a New Purpose

Finding a new reason to get up each day is a powerful step in the healing journey. This might involve discovering new passions, engaging in meaningful activities, or simply appreciating the small blessings in each day. Trusting in God's plan, as articulated in Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future," can provide a profound sense of hope and purpose.

Balancing Grief and Healing

It is important to strike a balance between times of grieving and times of respite. Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 speaks to the natural rhythms of life, including both mourning and healing. Parents should allow themselves to take breaks from grief, engaging in activities that bring joy and peace. These moments of respite are not a betrayal of the lost child but are essential for sustaining the long journey of grief.

In conclusion, navigating the grief of losing a child is an arduous journey that requires time, support, and a deep well of faith. By preserving connections with the deceased, allowing time to experience grief fully, reworking life to include the loss, reaching out for support, finding new purpose, and balancing moments of grief with moments of healing, parents can find a pathway to resilience. Rooted in Christian faith and biblical wisdom, this holistic approach provides a compassionate and hopeful framework for those enduring the unimaginable.

Losing a child is an experience that transcends words; it's a journey through profound pain, uncharted emotional depths, and an altered reality that reshapes the very fabric of life. To support parents navigating this challenging terrain, Dr. Kelly authored Into the Mourning: A Handbook for a Grieving Parent along with its companion grief workbook Into the Mourning, A Workbook for a Grieving Parent. The carefully crafted handbook and workbook acknowledge the complexities of parental grief and introduces the P.A.R.E.N.T. Model of Grief, a unique framework designed to offer support, understanding, and a pathway toward healing. The model respects the individual journey of each grieving parent, emphasizing that grief is unique, circular, fluid, distressing, and a lifetime event, while providing the encouragement and hope that there is no wrong or right way to grieve. Embrace one or both compassionate guides to find solace and resilience amidst the unfathomable loss.

The handbook offers a deep dive into the complexities of grief after losing a child, cultural and spiritual impacts on grief, and a historical context of how death is viewed and experienced, as well as the P.A.R.E.N.T. Model of Grief that normalizes the distress and often confusing thoughts and feelings from an attachment perspective. The workbook offers daily practices, journaling exercises, prayers, meditations, and support to help you navigate grief after child loss, and learn how to live with the loss.

Both can be purchased on Amazon.com.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09W13S26H
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CPDR86VM

Motherhood is often romanticized as a joyous and fulfilling experience. However, behind the smiles and adorable baby photos, there is a hidden reality that many mothers face – a dysregulated nervous system. While it may not be immediately visible, the signs of a dysregulated nervous system can manifest in various ways.

In this blog, we will unmask the invisible struggle that mothers with a dysregulated nervous system often face. From chronic fatigue and irritability to difficulty in concentrating and anxiety, the effects of a dysregulated nervous system can be debilitating. These symptoms can not only affect a mother's well-being but can also impact her ability to care for her child.

Understanding the signs and symptoms of a dysregulated nervous system is essential for both mothers and those who support them. By recognizing these telltale signs, mothers can seek appropriate help and support to regain balance and improve their overall well-being.

The impact of dysregulation on mothers

1. Emotional Volatility
Dysregulation turns your emotions into a wild carnival. One minute, you’re laughing at a toddler’s knock-knock joke; the next, you’re crying over mom guilt.

Your fuse shortens, and patience becomes a rare gem. Your toddler’s innocent question? Cue a surge of all the emotions as they run through your body. You’re a tightly coiled spring, ready to snap at the slightest provocation.

2. Physical Toll
Chronic dysregulation takes a toll on your body. Imagine your nervous system as a grumpy roommate – it messes with your sleep, digestion, and overall well-being.

Headaches, backaches, and mysterious twinges become your companions.

3. Sensory Overload
Lights are too bright, sounds too loud? Your nervous system cranks up the volume on everything. Ever need to turn down the volume on the radio to help navigate the road? Yeah, just like that!

You’re like a human antenna, picking up signals from every corner. Even the dog barking is too much.

4. Sleep Drama
Sleep becomes a high-stakes game. You’re either a night owl, binge-watching Netflix till 2 AM, or a daytime zombie, stumbling through life.

Your brain, fueled by insomnia, feels like a squirrel on espresso – darting from one thought to another. “Did I pay the water bill? What do I need from the store?”

5. Attention Whirlwind
Concentration? Ha! Your brain juggles thoughts like a circus performer with flaming torches.

You start a task, get distracted by another task, and end up organizing the sock drawer.

6. Appetite Roller Coaster
Your relationship with food is another roller coaster ride. One day, you devour a family-sized pizza; the next, you forget to eat altogether.

Your nervous system messes with your hunger cues. “Didn’t I just eat? I’m so bloated I feel full! I just want carbs and sweets!”

7. Immune System Tango
Dysregulation messes with your internal GPS. Suddenly, stress-induced colds and hormonal imbalances waltz into your life.

8. Social Acrobatics
Social situations become tightropes. You’re balancing between “I need alone time” and “I miss adult conversation.”

Your nervous system toggles between “hermit crab” and “social butterfly.” Sometimes, you’re both at the same party.


The Role of Stress in Dysregulation

Stress – that pesky gremlin – loves to poke our nervous system. Chronic stress, also known as toxic stress, is like an uninvited guest who overstays their welcome. Here’s how it wreaks havoc:

1. Activation and Dysregulation: Chronic stress activates our stress response systems repeatedly and excessively. Imagine your nervous system as a car alarm that never stops blaring. It’s not adaptive; it’s downright annoying.

2. Cardiovascular Drama: Chronic stress is associated with cardiovascular diseases. Your heart races like it’s in a sprint, even when you’re just reading a grocery list. It’s like your heart’s auditioning for an action movie.

3. Insulin Resistance: Stress messes with your body’s sugar management. Suddenly, insulin – that diligent traffic cop – starts waving cars in all directions.

4. Cognitive Decline: Chronic stress turns your brain into a tangled web of thoughts. Concentration? Rational decisions? Nope. You’re juggling mental post-it notes in a windstorm.

5. Mood Disorders: Bipolar disorder, major depressive disorder, and anhedonia (the joy-sucking ghost) are part of the landscape. Stress assumes a hidden role, and mental health disorders are actively present.

6. The Bear That Isn’t There: Your stress response gears up for a bear attack. But guess what? There’s no bear – just a pile of unfolded laundry. Your nervous system needs new glasses.


The importance of self-care for mothers with a dysregulated nervous system

As moms, we often find ourselves juggling flaming torches (metaphorically, of course) while riding the unicycle of motherhood on a tightrope. But amidst the chaos, self-care becomes our secret weapon – the oxygen mask we need before assisting others.

Why Self-Care Matters for Moms

1. Replenishing the Well:
Imagine your well-being as a well... When you constantly draw water (energy, patience, love) from it without replenishing, it runs dry. Self-care refills that well.

Moms infuse those around them with their own energy. By taking care of ourselves, we can give more to others – our kids, partners, and everyone else in our orbit.

2. Stress Management:
Motherhood can be a stormy sea. Self-care is our life raft. It helps manage stress, prevent burnout, and keep our emotional ship afloat.

When we practice self-care, we build practical coping skills to weather the tempests. It’s like having a sturdy anchor when the waves get rough.

3. Physical and Mental Health:
Self-care reduces the risk of future medical issues. A healthier mom means a healthier family.

It safeguards our mental health too. As we practice self-care, we learn to reduce the impact of depression and anxiety.

4. Modeling for Our Kids:
Children mimic their parents. When they see Mom prioritizing self-care, they learn its value.

We’re not just teaching them how to tie shoelaces; we’re showing them how to tie emotional knots too.


Strategies for Regulating the Nervous System

As moms, we’re like circuit breakers – handling surges of emotions, responsibilities, and the occasional toddler meltdown. Here’s our toolkit for smoother functioning:

1. Breathe: Inhale Courage, Exhale Chaos
Deep breaths are our secret weapon. They activate the parasympathetic system – our chill pill. Imagine inhaling courage and exhaling chaos.

Try this: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 6. Repeat until you feel it in your body.

2. Move: Shake Off Stress Like a Wet Dog
Dance, walk, or do yoga – anything to shake off stress. Picture yourself as a wet dog, vigorously shaking off water after a bath.

Movement releases endorphins – our natural mood boosters. Plus, it’s a legit excuse to dance like nobody’s watching.

3. Connect: Hug Your Kids, Call a Friend, Pet a Dog
Connection soothes frazzled nerves. Hug your kids – their giggles are like mini therapy sessions.

Call a friend. Vent, laugh, or discuss the latest embarrassing thing you did or that mom guilt you feel. Friends are like emotional vitamins.

4. Sleep: Prioritize Those Zzz’s
Your nervous system craves sleep like a toddler craves cookies. Prioritize those Zzz’s.

Create a bedtime ritual: dim lights, cozy blankets, and a cup of chamomile tea. Your brain will thank you.

5. Seek Professional Help: Emotional GPS
Therapists, coaches, and support groups are our emotional GPS. They guide us through the labyrinth of feelings.

It’s okay to ask for directions. Sometimes, we need a detour to find our way back to calm.


Seeking Professional Help for Nervous System Dysregulation

If you’re grappling with a dysregulated nervous system, seeking professional help is a crucial step toward healing. As moms, we often carry the weight of the world on our shoulders – juggling responsibilities, emotions, and the occasional Lego underfoot. But remember, you don’t have to (and shouldn’t) navigate this alone.

Understanding the Struggle
Long after a traumatic event has passed, our nervous system can remain on high alert, like a car stuck in “go” mode while simultaneously trying to minimize internal chaos. It’s as if we’re pressing both the accelerator and the brake pedal, desperately seeking equilibrium. Childhood trauma, chronic stress, and emotional overload can all contribute to this dysregulation.

Breaking Free with Mom Coaching
That’s where I come in. I’m Kelly, a mom coach with a master’s degree in counseling and a Board-Certified Behavior Analyst. As a once anxiety-ridden mom of four, I’ve turned my pain into purpose. My personalized one-on-one coaching is designed to fit seamlessly into your jam-packed schedule. No more stressing about weekly sessions – we communicate through a secure app, leaving voice, video, or text messages whenever you need support.

Think of me as your continuous cheerleader while you kick guilt to the curb!



Conclusion: Empowering mothers to heal and thrive

Dear mom, you’re more resilient than you realize. Peel off that invisible mask, embrace your nervous system’s quirks, and know that healing begins with compassion – for yourself and every other mom riding this rollercoaster. Let’s thrive together, one deep breath at a time.

Key Takeaways:
You’re Not Alone: The invisible struggle is real, but so is your strength. Other moms are navigating similar waters – sometimes with leaky boats and mismatched oars.

Self-Care Is Survival: Prioritize self-care; it’s not selfish. Delegate tasks, say no, and schedule “me time.” A well-regulated mom is a superhero in disguise.

Regulate and Recalibrate: Use strategies like deep breathing, movement, and seeking professional help. You’re not just a frazzled wire; you’re a conductor weaving chaos into a beautiful melody.

Remember, you’re not just a mom and you’re not just your dysregulated symptoms. There is purpose, passion and JOY in your life and I would love to help guide you to find it all again….maybe it’s re-defined now at this chapter, but you deserve all of it!!!!

With Love and Imperfection,
Kelly

To establish a clearly defined frame of reference for various aspects and nuances associated with the concept of attachment, it is imperative to first conceptualize a working definition of attachment. “Attachment style or organization is a concept that derives from John Bowlby’s attachment theory and refers to a person’s characteristic ways of relating in intimate caregiving and receiving relationships with “attachment figures,” often one’s parents, children, and romantic partners” (Levy et al., 2010, p. 193). Feldman (2011) in addressing relationship formation asserts, “Attachment is a positive emotional bond that develops between a child and a particular, special individual” (p. 178). Contextually, as it relates specifically to parent-child relationship, the emotional aspects during the social development of children may result in pleasure or distress (Feldman, 2011). Moreover, some researchers contend that the nature of the infantile attachment has subsequent consequences on adulthood interpersonal relationships. Minnis, et al. (2009) add further speculation to current level of understanding of attachment disorder, “Despite more than 30 years in the psychiatric nomenclature, reactive attachment disorder remains a poorly understood phenotype” (p. 931).

Attachment Disorder and its Relationship to Emotional Sensitivity and Safety

Conceptually, attachment is intricately connected to the nuances of sensitivity and safety. The concept of attachment is rooted in one’s confidence or lack of confidence in the attachment figure, particularly in the context of security. The maternal role is intimately connected to developing appropriate personal sensitivity, while discerning the safety of her offspring. Feldman (2011) convincingly articulates this relationship, “The research showing the correspondence between mothers’ sensitivity to their infants and the security of the infants’ attachment is consistent with Ainsworth’s arguments that attachment depends on how mothers react to their infants’ emotional cues” (p. 181). In other words, infants that feel a sense of security are more inclined to freely explore their immediate world. Moreover, the sense of an established and safe haven builds the infant’s confidence that parental support, protection, comfort exist in times of distress.

The Father’s Parental perspective

Any discussion on parenting styles and attachment theory would be incomplete in the absence of sharing insight from the father’s parental perspective. Guided by the social norms and traditions of his day, it can be argued that John Bowlby’s research was skewed by his distinct worldview. However, given the parental roles that many fathers now assume due to various macro-environmental factors, it would be prudent to redress this issue. “Although infants are fully capable of forming attachments to both mother and father- as well as other individuals – the nature of the attachment between infants and mothers, on the one hand, and infants and fathers, on the other hand, is not identical” (Feldman, 2011, p. 182). At the corpus of the distinctive attachments is the qualitative nature of their individual relationships. Traditionally, the maternal relationship is primarily nurturing, whereas the paternal relationship involves more play, particularly physical and contact sporting activities. However, as previously alluded to, cultural, social, and economic factors significantly impinge on previously held views of distinctive paternal and maternal stereotypical roles.

Continuing Attachment Disorder Research Needed

A plethora of research continues in an effort to gain a deeper understanding of the phenomenon of attachment disorder. There appears to be no clear scientific links between reactive attachment disorder (RAD) and attachment insecurity (Minnis, et al., 2009). On the surface, there appears to be some interactions among attachment styles, safety, confidence, and exploration. Levy, et al. (2010) explicate the importance of exploration in the context of interpersonal relationships, “Exploration of the world includes not only the physical world but also relationships with other people and reflection on one’s internal experience” (p. 193). Hypothetically, the context of future research bears the solutions. Minnis et al. (2009) succinctly conclude, “An important task of future research will be to gain a better understanding of attachment in the context of RAD, including the possibility that there may be differences in behavior even with the ‘secure’ category” (p. 939).

References

Feldman, R. S. (2011). Development across the life span. New Jersey: Pearson.

Levy, K. N., Ellison, W.D., Scott, L. N., & Bernecker, S. L. (2010). Attachment style. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 67(2), 193-203.

Minnis, H., Green, J., O’Connor, T. G., Liew, A., Glaser, D., Taylor, E., Follan, M., Young, D., Barnes, J., Gillberg, C., Pelosi, A., Arthur, J., Burston, A., Connolly, B., & Sadiq, F. A.). (2009). An exploratory study of the association between reactive attachment disorder and attachment narratives in early school-age children. Journal of Child Psychology & Psychiatry, 50(8), 931- 942.

Victims of physical violence are often hesitant to report a family member or loved one for hitting, punching, slapping or any type of physical abuse. Compassionate people often become the victims of domestic violence because they have an excess of compassion towards their abusers. Below I address some of the common reasons domestic violence victims give for not reporting abuse.

“I don’t want them to have a criminal record.”

All behaviour has consequences. When victims of abuse refuse to report they are agreeing to take on the emotional burden and consequences of continued abuse. This shelters the abuser from consequences. Sheltering someone from the consequences of their behaviour reduces the chances of genuine change. Many people don’t begin to change until the consequences of poor behavior start to negatively impact them. When consequences are present this reveals if there is a true willingness to change and address the issues, or they will go somewhere that will tolerate their abuse.

Additionally, for a first-time offense the courts are typically more focused on a pathway to rehabilitation than they are on punishment. Pressing charges can allow the courts to provide accountability to a mental health treatment program. This kind of accountability doesn’t exist in mental health services that are strictly voluntary.

“I don’t want to go no contact.”

Many victims experience love towards their abuser. Every relationship has good and bad parts. Clinging to the positives can make it hard for people to see the benefit of temporarily ending contact. While someone is enduring various forms of abuse it alters how the brain thinks.

When the brain is in survival mode it has a hard time considering alternative ways to approach the situation. It’s just seeking to get through it. When you go no contact, this allows your brain to relax and opens the possibility for deeper problem solving.

Once the issue is in front of the courts you can request being able to discuss specific issues or to talk in specific contexts. Some people ask to have an exception to attend couples therapy to improve communication. Other exceptions include communication limited to specific issues like child visitation or having a third party mediate communication. Waiting for the courts to put these things in place also allows for a cooling off period.

“I don’t want to deal with their reaction.”

One benefit of a no-contact order is that if the person does react or attempt to contact you then you can notify police of the contact. In many places a no-contact order is automatic when an incident of domestic or physical violence is reported.

“I can’t afford a lawyer to help with a divorce.”

You can contact local resources, like domestic violence organizations, to learn about your rights and resources available to support you. If you don’t qualify for legal assistance, then you can seek support from other people in your community about how to move forward. Instead of getting overwhelmed by a long process focus on what the most immediate next step is and complete that step.

“I don’t want to leave the children alone with the abuser.”

This is a hard issue to navigate. Living with an abuser can be emotionally damaging to children. Child protection will often investigate when children have witnessed abuse without directly being abused themselves. It is best to seek legal guidance about pursuing supervised visitation, parenting classes, or other restrictions on an abuser.

Other points to consider:

For some people knowing you will report them can curb their behaviour.

Some fight for access and some don’t.

How does agreeing to live with the abuse impact the children?

 

“The Bible says I should forgive.”

The Bible encourages forgiveness. This does not mean that you should tolerate inappropriate behaviour out of a duty to forgive. The Bible also speaks about the need to tell the truth and confront wrongdoing.

 

Changing how you respond to abuse can be difficult. It can leave people with a feeling of uncertainty. While uncertainty can be difficult, if you have been strong enough to tolerate abuse you should be strong enough to handle a period of transition.


Need support navigating the emotions of reporting?
Liz Millican has training in domestic violence. You can learn more about her therapy services at https://www.incrementalhealthtips.com/

Coaching for Moms Explained: How a Mom Life Coach Can Transform Your Life

Feeling overwhelmed in mom life??! I’ve been where you are - overwhelmed, overstimulated, and feeling isolated (…who am I kidding…I still have many, MANY days of this).

I’m a mom of four wonderful, energetic, and sometimes messy kids. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re navigating through the messiness of motherhood without a roadmap. But guess what? I found my roadmap, and I want to share it with you.

Throughout my journey as a mom, I have faced postpartum issues with all of my babies. These challenges, combined with my existing anxiety, brought out a new level of anxiety that I never knew existed.

I even experienced moments of motherhood rage, which left me feeling isolated and filled with shame. Why doesn’t anyone talk about the normalcy of these feelings??

I constantly questioned my abilities as a mom, doubting whether I was ever going to be what my children needed.

Every night, I would go to bed hating the person I had become and wondering if there was any hope for change. It was at this breaking point that I realized enough was enough.

I embarked on my own life coaching journey, and that's when I met an amazing woman who guided me through the process of rediscovering myself as a mom and as a woman.

Through this journey, I learned to rewire my thoughts and shift my perspective of not only myself but also my confidence as a mom. Over the course of several weeks, I started to find joy in motherhood again. I worked on overcoming my inner critic, tuning out the noise of the world, and trusting myself.

Now, after years of personal growth and transformation, I have made it my mission to turn my pain into purpose. I want to help you find JOY in your motherhood journey, just as I have found it in mine. Together, we can navigate the challenges, overcome self-sabotage, and embrace the joy of being a mom.

What is a Mom Life Coach?

A Mom Life Coach is a professional who specializes in assisting moms navigate the unique challenges and joys of motherhood. They are often experienced mothers themselves, and they use their personal experiences and professional training to provide guidance, support, and practical strategies to other moms.

Here are some key areas a Mom Life Coach can help with:

Time Management:
Motherhood comes with a myriad of responsibilities that can make it feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day. A Mom Life Coach can help you develop effective time management strategies, enabling you to balance your responsibilities and find time for self-care.

Stress Management:
Being a mom can be stressful. A Mom Life Coach can provide you with tools and techniques to manage stress, helping you to maintain a positive mindset even in challenging situations.

Goal Setting:
Whether you have personal goals, professional goals, or parenting goals, a Mom Life Coach can guide you in setting realistic and achievable goals, and support you in your journey towards achieving them.

Self-Care + Soul-Care:
Moms often put the needs of their family before their own. A Mom Life Coach can help you understand the importance of self-care + soul-care (check-out the blog on this) and guide you in finding ways to take care of your own physical, emotional, and mental well-being.

Confidence Building:
Motherhood can sometimes shake our confidence. A Mom Life Coach can help you build your confidence and empower you to trust your instincts and abilities as a mom.

Community Building:
Feeling isolated is common among moms. A Mom Life Coach can help you build connections with other moms, creating a supportive community where you can share experiences, advice, and encouragement.

Remember, every mom’s journey is unique, and a Mom Life Coach is there to provide personalized guidance and support tailored to your specific needs and circumstances. They’re your cheerleader, your guide, and your confidante in this beautiful, chaotic journey of motherhood.

How a Mom Life Coach Can Help You

A Mom Life Coach can provide you with the tools and strategies you need to manage your time effectively, set realistic goals, and maintain a positive mindset. They can help you find balance in your life, so you can enjoy motherhood while also taking care of yourself.

The transformative impact a Mom Life Coach can have:

Personalized Strategies: A Mom Life Coach doesn’t offer one-size-fits-all advice. Instead, they work closely with you to understand your unique challenges and aspirations. They then tailor strategies and action plans that align with your lifestyle and goals.

Empowerment: A Mom Life Coach empowers you to take charge of your life. They help you realize that you have the strength and capability to overcome obstacles and make positive changes in your life.

Perspective Shift: Sometimes, we get so caught up in our struggles that we fail to see the bigger picture. A Mom Life Coach helps you shift your perspective, enabling you to view challenges as opportunities for growth.

Accountability: It’s easy to set goals but following through can be challenging. A Mom Life Coach serves as an accountability partner, providing the motivation you need to stay committed to your goals.

Emotional Support: Motherhood can be an emotional rollercoaster. A Mom Life Coach provides a safe space for you to express your feelings without judgment. They offer emotional support and help you manage your emotions effectively.

Improved Relationships: A Mom Life Coach can help you improve your relationships with your spouse, children, and even yourself. They provide guidance on effective communication, conflict resolution, and fostering deeper connections.

Work-Life Balance: Striking a balance between work and personal life is a common struggle for many moms. A Mom Life Coach can help you establish boundaries and create a more balanced and fulfilling life.

Remember, a Mom Life Coach is more than just a coach; they’re a partner in your journey towards a happier, healthier, and more balanced life. They’re there to celebrate your victories, big or small, and to provide support during challenging times. They believe in you, even when you find it hard to believe in yourself. And that can make all the difference.

Conclusion to Coaching for Moms

Being a mom is one of the most rewarding jobs in the world, but it can also be one of the most challenging. Remember, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and it’s okay to ask for help.

Here are the key takeaways I want you to remember:

You’re not alone: Every mom faces challenges and struggles. It’s part of the journey of motherhood. Don’t be afraid to reach out and connect with others.

Self-care is essential: Taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary. You can’t pour from an empty cup.

You have the power to change: With the right tools and support, you can overcome obstacles, achieve your goals, and transform your life.

A Mom Life Coach can be your guide: A Mom Life Coach can provide personalized strategies, emotional support, and accountability to help you navigate the journey of motherhood.

Humor is your friend: Motherhood can be messy and chaotic, but it can also be filled with moments of joy and laughter. Embrace the chaos and don’t forget to laugh.

Remember, you are doing an amazing job. You are strong, you are capable, and you are enough. If you’re ready to take the next step in your journey, I’m here to walk alongside you. Let’s navigate the messiness of motherhood together. Contact me today to schedule your first session.

I hope this blog post has been helpful and inspiring. Remember, as a mom, you’re already doing an incredible job. But if you need a little extra support, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help

With love and imperfection,
Kelly

Ready to thrive and navigate the chaos and overstimulation as a mom? Let’s connect! As a mom life coach, I offer personalized guidance, practical strategies, and unwavering support. Reach out for a free consultation today!

According to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) 5.7% of adults 18 years of age and older will at some point in life experience Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). It affects about 6.8 million American adults, including twice as many women as men. The disorder develops gradually and can begin at any point in the life cycle, although the years of highest risk are between 30 - 59 years of age. Most fall into the moderate range of anxiety at 44.6%.

In adolescents, twice as many females than males suffer and with the highest incidence in ages 15-18. There is evidence that genes play a role in GAD.

People with GAD go through the day filled with exaggerated worry and tension, even though there is little or nothing to provoke it. They anticipate disaster and are overly concerned about health issues, money, family problems, or difficulties at work. Sometimes just the thought of getting through the day produces anxiety.

Many people with GAD can function normally when the anxiety level is mild (i.e., hold down jobs, interact socially and manage life normally). However, some people are debilitated so much that they cannot keep a job, relationships are affected and even marriages end.

GAD is diagnosed when a person worries excessively about a variety of everyday problems for at least six months. People with GAD can’t seem to get rid of their concerns, even though they usually realize that their anxiety is more intense than the situation warrants. They can’t relax, may startle easily, have difficulty concentrating and have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep.

Signs and Symptoms
Restlessness
Feeling keyed up or on edge
Feeling a lump in your throat
Difficulty concentrating
Fatigue
Irritability
Impatience
Being easily distracted
Muscle tension
Trouble falling or staying asleep
Excessive sweating
Shortness of breath  
Trembling/twitching
Lightheaded
Breathlessness
Stomachache
Diarrhea
Headache
Intense worry 
Difficulty swallowing

GAD often begins at an early age, and the signs and symptoms may develop more slowly than in other anxiety disorders. Many people with GAD can't recall when they last felt relaxed or at ease.

Treatment

Talk with your health care professional to determine which treatment or combination of treatments will be the best for you. For example:

Psychotherapy: Having someone who will help process through difficulties and listen attentively offers many people relief from anxiety. Therapy helps identify unhealthy, negative beliefs and behaviors and replaces them with healthy, positive ones. Even if an unwanted situation doesn't change, you can change the way you think and behave. Therapy emphasizes learning to develop a sense of mastery and control over thoughts and feelings. EMDR therapy is a powerful tool to deal with anxiety and Spirit of Hope offers that option.

Medication: Several different types of medications are used to relieve GAD symptoms and work well.  Some include:

Anti-anxiety medications such as Benzodiazepines relieve anxiety within 30 to 90 minutes, but can be habit-forming and doctors may prescribe only short-term.

Antidepressants influence the activity of certain neurotransmitters in the brain that play a role in anxiety disorders. These medications are usually taken daily and can be very helpful in minimizing the anxiety.

This blog post is an overview of how one might utilize Biblical Wisdom in overcoming compulsive porn use.