Christian Counselor Directory Blog

TCC Reflection Studies -> Grace -> Ephesians 2:1-10

Below is a "Reflection Study". I provide these to clients in session when they are wanting to work on a specific faith concern. We create them in-house. Enjoy!

1 "And you were dead in the trespasses and sins
2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience—
3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.
4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us,
5 even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved—
6 and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus,
7 so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God,
9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.
10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Reflection Questions on Ephesians 2:1-10:

1. Verse 1-3 (Dead in Sin):
A. What fears or anxieties arise for you when you reflect on your past or current struggles with sin?

B. How does acknowledging that all of us were "dead in transgressions" make you feel about your own spiritual journey?


C. Do you find yourself overly focused on your failures or mistakes? If so, why do you think that is?

2. Verse 4-5 (Made Alive in Christ):
A. How does it feel to read that God made you alive with Christ while you were still dead in sin? What does this say about God’s view of you?

B. What worries do you have about God’s love or forgiveness that make you feel anxious about your salvation?


C. When you hear the phrase, “It is by grace you have been saved,” what emotions or doubts come up for you?


D. How do you reconcile God's rich mercy with the times you fall short?

3. Verse 6-7 (Raised with Christ):
A. How does the idea of being "raised up with Christ" shift your perspective on your identity and worth in God’s eyes?

B. Do you struggle to believe that God’s grace is enough to cover your sins? What might be contributing to that struggle?

C. How does your anxiety about sin affect your relationship with God on a daily basis?

4. Verse 8-9 (Salvation by Grace through Faith)
A. What concerns or doubts arise when you consider that salvation is a gift from God, not something you can earn through good behavior or works?

B. How does anxiety about “being caught sinning” impact your trust in God’s grace?

C. In moments when you feel overwhelmed by fear of judgment, how can the truth that salvation is "the gift of God" bring peace to your heart?

D. What would change for you if you accepted that nothing you do can add to or take away from the grace God has already given you?

5. Verse 10 (Created for Good Works):
How does understanding that God has prepared good works for you help ease anxiety about needing to “prove” your worth?

A. When you think about the "good works" God has planned for you, does it bring excitement or pressure? How can you trust God to lead you in these works without feeling overwhelmed?


B. How can you find balance between striving for spiritual growth and resting in God’s grace, especially when anxiety tempts you to do more to earn His love?

THEREPEUTIC FOCUS
1. Identify Core Fears: What specific fears are driving your anxiety about being "good enough" for God?

2. Explore Self-Worth: How does your view of yourself align with what God says about you in this passage?

3. Grace vs. Perfectionism: In what ways do you feel that perfection is required for God's acceptance? How can embracing grace change this perspective?

4. Safety in God's Grace: How can meditating on God’s mercy and grace calm your fears about judgment or failure?

COPING STRATEGY
Meditation on Grace: Practice daily reminders that you are saved by grace, not by works. When anxious thoughts arise about sin or salvation, pause to repeat Ephesians 2:8 to yourself: "It is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God."

Ah, motherhood—the beautiful, exhausting, ever-complicated job that you didn’t exactly get a full description of when you signed up. Sure, there were the basics: feed them, love them, make sure they wear shoes in public. But what about everything else? Like the endless to-do list that lives in your brain, the mental catalog of every family member’s needs, and the sheer amount of logistics management that goes into daily life. That’s what we call the “invisible load.” And if you’re feeling completely wiped out most days, this invisible load is likely why.

Let’s be real: the invisible load isn’t something you can cross off a list. It’s more like an endless, looping list of all the things you remember at 2 a.m. but wish you didn’t. It’s the reason you can mentally scroll through every item in your fridge but can’t remember the last time you had ten minutes to yourself. So, if you’re constantly on the brink of burnout, you’re not alone—and it’s not “all in your head.” Let’s unpack what this invisible load is and, more importantly, how you can start making it a little less, well, invisible.

What Is the Invisible Load?

The “invisible load” is basically all the behind-the-scenes work that goes into running your family’s life. It’s the unseen tasks that no one talks about but can’t live without. Think of it as the software that keeps the whole family operation running smoothly, except you’re the one doing all the processing—and it’s totally draining your battery.

From remembering who needs a lunch packed to keeping track of birthdays to silently monitoring everyone’s mood to make sure no one is about to explode—you’re managing a million tiny details that are easy to miss but hard to let go of. And here’s the kicker: most people don’t see this work because it’s not about physical tasks. It’s about the mental gymnastics you do to keep life functioning. You’re not just “thinking ahead”; you’re practically running an emotional control center for everyone in the house.

Signs You’re Carrying an Invisible Load

So, how do you know if you’re carrying the invisible load? Here are some telltale signs:

You’re the Go-To for Everything:

Can’t find the socks? Need to know where that one green crayon went? You’re the default search engine for all lost items. Somehow, it’s assumed you have a mental catalog of every item in the house.

Your To-Do List is a Never-Ending Scroll:

You’re constantly adding things—book the dentist, remember teacher gifts, update the family calendar—and never really checking them off because, surprise, more stuff just keeps piling on.

3 a.m. Wake-Up Calls (Courtesy of Your Brain):

You’re suddenly awake at odd hours, mentally rehashing what you forgot to do yesterday and pre-planning for tomorrow. It’s like having a little alarm in your brain that goes off whenever you finally get a chance to rest.

You’re Always a Little Tired (Even After You “Rest”):

Even after a full night’s sleep (or what counts as one), you’re still tired. It’s not a physical tiredness—it’s that drained feeling that comes from having too much on your mind all the time. The invisible load weighs on you in ways a nap can’t fix.

If any of these sound familiar, congratulations—you’re officially carrying an invisible load. But don’t worry; now that we’ve put a name to it, we can start tackling it.

The Common Types of “Invisible” Tasks Moms Handle

There’s no one-size-fits-all version of the invisible load, but most of us have a few categories that we handle day in and day out. Let’s break them down:

Household Management:

Keeping the house running is a feat, even if you have help. The mental checklist for everything from laundry to bills to the recycling schedule often lives squarely in your head. And let’s not even start on meal planning—it’s like a never-ending episode of Chopped, but with picky eaters and zero prep time.

Emotional Labor:

You’re not just responsible for your own feelings, you’re the emotional thermostat for everyone in the house. You notice when one of the kids seems sad, when your partner’s stressed, and when you’re dangerously close to snapping (again). Your job is to keep everyone balanced, calm, and comforted—even if it means putting your own needs on the backburner.

Social Calendar Keeping:

Birthday parties, dentist appointments, school events, family gatherings—it’s all somehow coordinated and remembered by you. You’re not just a mom; you’re practically a part-time event planner, minus the paycheck.

These invisible tasks aren’t just chores; they’re mental and emotional energy drains that add up over time. Recognizing what kinds of invisible tasks you’re managing is the first step to reducing them—and maybe even sharing the load.

Why Is the Invisible Load So Exhausting?

Carrying the invisible load isn’t just about doing a lot of stuff—it’s about thinking about doing a lot of stuff. And all that mental juggling has a real impact on your energy and mental well-being. Think of it as decision fatigue. From the moment you wake up until you finally collapse into bed, you’re not just managing your day—you’re making hundreds of tiny decisions, calculations, and adjustments.

Research even shows that this kind of ongoing mental load can lead to stress and burnout over time. You’re not only thinking about what’s happening now, but you’re also planning ahead, anticipating issues, and managing emotions—all on autopilot. No wonder you feel wiped out, even after a “break.” The invisible load doesn’t stop just because you’re sitting down—it’s always running in the background like an app you can’t close.

Tips for Lightening the Load Without Letting Everything Fall Apart

Alright, now for the part you’re probably waiting for—how to make this load a little lighter. Spoiler alert: the goal here isn’t to get rid of every single mental task. Some of it is part of life, and some of it is just plain necessary. But there are ways to ease up and share the burden, so it’s not all falling on you.

Delegate Like a Boss

First up, delegation. And before you roll your eyes, hear me out. Delegating doesn’t mean just assigning tasks—it’s about sharing the mental load, too. Kids, even young ones, can handle some responsibility. And as for your partner? They may need a nudge, but they’re more than capable of stepping in.

Consider getting everyone on board with age-appropriate responsibilities. Young kids can help with simple things like setting the table or tidying up, while older kids can take on chores that actually free up your mental space. If it feels awkward at first, just remind yourself that you’re teaching them life skills—and that by lightening your load, you’re making more room for quality time together.

Let Go of Perfection

Let’s be honest, sometimes the biggest reason we can’t let go of a task is because we want it done a certain way (aka, the “right” way). But embracing a “good enough” mindset can do wonders for your sanity. The world won’t end if the laundry isn’t folded Marie Kondo-style, or if your kid’s lunch doesn’t look Pinterest-perfect.

Start by giving yourself permission to let some things slide. Embrace mismatched socks, or that store-bought birthday cake. Allowing a little imperfection is a small but powerful way to take some pressure off your plate and keep your energy for things that truly matter.

Use Tools for Mental Load Relief

You don’t need to carry everything in your brain—technology can be your friend here. Consider using family calendar apps, meal-planning apps, or even good old-fashioned lists to get those endless to-dos out of your head and into a system. Even a shared digital calendar can help everyone see what’s happening and eliminate at least a few of those “What’s for dinner?” or “What are we doing this weekend?” questions.

Automating or simplifying repetitive tasks can work wonders too. Meal-prep hacks, chore charts, or setting up auto-pay for bills can make a huge difference in what you’re mentally keeping track of each day.

Say “No” More Often

Saying “no” can feel a little uncomfortable, but it’s one of the best ways to protect your energy. The next time someone asks you to volunteer for yet another school event, plan a family gathering, or take on a new project, give yourself a pause. If you’re already stretched thin, it’s okay to say no or to ask for help. Remind yourself that by saying no, you’re actually creating space for things that matter most to you.

Creating a “Mental Load” Balance in Your Relationship

This one’s big, because the invisible load often becomes an unspoken issue in relationships. If you feel like the bulk of mental labor falls on you, it’s time to have an honest conversation with your partner about it. And the goal here isn’t to assign blame—it’s to work together as a team.

Start by explaining what the invisible load looks like for you. Sometimes, partners don’t even realize the extent of what you’re juggling. Then, talk about ways to split or share tasks more equitably. Maybe one of you handles meal planning while the other manages the kids’ schedules. Or, you might agree to alternate certain responsibilities week by week. The important thing is to make the invisible load visible, so it’s something you can both work on together.

How to Lighten the Invisible Load of Motherhood: Key Takeaways

If there’s one thing to remember, it’s that the invisible load doesn’t have to be your invisible burden. Here are the main points to help you lighten the load:

1. Recognize the Load: Understand that it’s not “just you.” The mental and emotional labor you’re carrying is real, and acknowledging it is the first step to making changes.

2. Share the Responsibility: Delegate tasks and responsibilities, not just physically but mentally. You don’t have to carry the whole operation in your head alone—everyone in the family can pitch in.

3. Embrace Imperfection: Give yourself permission to let go of the “perfect mom” myth. Allowing some things to be “good enough” frees up energy for what truly matters.

4. Use Tools and Systems: Leverage family calendars, apps, and chore charts to help offload repetitive mental tasks and keep everyone on the same page.

5. Communicate with Your Partner: Open up about the invisible load. By bringing it to light, you give your partner a chance to step in and help make things more manageable.

6. Practice Self-Compassion: Remember, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and it’s okay to need support. Your well-being is crucial, both for you and for your family.

Carrying the invisible load is something no one should have to do alone. If you’re feeling burnt out or stuck, I’m here to help you find strategies that make life feel lighter, more organized, and full of joy again. Through my coaching services, we’ll work together to uncover what truly works for you, so you can reclaim your energy, find balance, and rediscover your identity in motherhood.

Ready to make some meaningful changes? Reach out for a free consultation, and let’s start this journey together.

With Love and Real-Life Imperfection,

Kelly, MA, BCBA, Mom Life Coach

Saving your Marriage before it Starts: Robert Sternberg's Triangular Model of Love

The triangular model of love, as explained by Sternberg, invokes considerable thought and reflection. According to Parrott and Parrott (2006) “Consummate love results from the full combination of love’s three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Consummate love is the goal toward which every marriage strives” (p. 43). In other words, the model can be perceived as having fundamental building blocks, ingredients, or constituents, if found to be lacking, resulting in instability.

The Apostle Paul, in his epistle to the church at Corinth, took great pains to emphasize the need to exercise love in the execution of the ministry gifts. Paul notes, “And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing” (Scofield, p. 1526). Given the foregoing insights, how might one best frame love? From a purely definitive perspective, the Oxford reference dictionary gives one some additional building blocks. Consummate love is defined as, “A type of love characterized by erotic passion, commitment, and intimacy. See under love. [From Latin consummate, consummatum to perfect, from con with + summus the highest, from summa a sum]” (Oxford University Press, 2013).

The consummate nature of love is further supported by Worthington’s (2005) thesis on what constitutes a hope-focused approach to marriage. The author asserts,
Changes in the field of couple’s therapy suggest that more attention is being paid to the emotional climate of troubled couples. In keeping with this trend, feedback on practitioners’ use of hope-focused marriage counseling suggests that most have found my emphasis of love and forgiveness to be most helpful (xxxi).

Evidently, triangular can be extrapolated to diverse situations such as discipleship ministry and marital therapy. Needless to say, Sternberg’s model can by no means be considered flawless, but certainly gives some meaningful insight from which to construct an approach to consummate love.
The Gospel Model to a healthy, vibrant love that will stand the test of time and trials
Jesus in his teaching s to His disciples also emphasized the foundational nature of love in the Christian Walk. He commanded us to love our enemies (Matt 5:44, Luke 6:27). In John 15:12, Jesus uses the metaphor of the vine and the branches to vividly illustrated the interdependence of love to humanity,

This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I loved you” Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends, Ye are my friends, if ye do whatever I command you (p. 1412-1413).

In summary, based on these referenced biblical truths, it becomes abundantly evident why both Jesus and Sternberg provide perspectives that fuse secular and Christian worldviews on consummate love.

References

Oxford reference (2013). Retrieved March 28, 2013, from http://www.oxfordreference.com/view/10.1093/oi/authority.20110803095634413.

Parrott, L. & Parrott, L. (2006). Saving your marriage before it starts. Grand Rapids: Zondervan.
Scofield, G. I. (1917). The Scofield reference bible. New York: Oxford University Press.

You love your teenager, but let’s face it—sometimes it feels like you’re trying to bond with an alien from another planet. One day, they’re chatty and sweet, and the next, you’re getting nothing but grunts and eye-rolls. If you’re feeling disconnected, don’t worry—you’re not alone. Let’s dive into why it’s so hard to connect with your teen and what you can do about it.

WHY CONNECTING WITH YOUR TEENAGER IS SO DIFFICULT

Remember when your kid actually wanted to talk to you? Yeah, those were the days. But now that they’re older, things feel… different. And by “different,” I mean wildly confusing. The truth is, teenagers are navigating a complex mix of emotions, hormones, and newfound independence, which makes connecting with them a little like trying to tune a radio station in the middle of a thunderstorm.

Here’s what’s going on behind the scenes:

• HORMONES GALORE: Puberty isn’t just tough on them—it’s tough on everyone. If your once-happy child now has the emotional range of a moody TV drama character, you can thank their hormones for that.
• BRAIN UNDER CONSTRUCTION: Did you know that the teenage brain is still developing? No wonder it feels like you’re talking to a completely different person some days. Their emotional regulation, decision-making, and even social skills are all in flux.
• SEEKING INDEPENDENCE: One minute they need you, the next they want nothing to do with you. Teens are figuring out how to be independent, which often means pulling away from the people they love most (that’s you!).
• SOCIAL PRESSURE: On top of everything else, they’re trying to navigate friendships, school drama, and social media. Your attempts at connection can sometimes feel like just another pressure for them.

HOW DISCONNECTION AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIP

It’s frustrating when you’re trying to connect and they shut you out. And honestly, it can hurt. You might start questioning your own parenting skills, or worse, feeling like you’ve somehow failed. But disconnection isn’t a sign that your relationship is doomed; it’s just a natural phase.

Still, if left unaddressed, this gap can widen, leading to:

• COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWNS: Conversations become strained, with a lot of “How was your day?” met with “Fine.” Or worse—no answer at all.
• INCREASED CONFLICT: The less connected you feel, the more tension builds. What starts as a harmless disagreement can quickly snowball into shouting matches.
• EMOTIONAL DISTANCE: Over time, you may find that emotional closeness dwindles, and you’re left feeling like strangers living under the same roof.

But fear not—there are ways to rebuild connection, even when it feels like you’re speaking different languages.

STRATEGIES FOR CONNECTING WITH YOUR TEENAGER

1. DON’T FORCE IT (EVEN IF YOU REALLY WANT TO)
I know, you want to pull your teenager aside and have a heart-to-heart, but the last thing they want is a forced conversation. Let them come to you when they’re ready. Being available and patient is more effective than trying to force a connection. Trust me, nothing sends a teen running for the hills faster than “We need to talk.”
2. MEET THEM WHERE THEY ARE (YES, EVEN IF IT’S AWKWARD)
Connecting with your teen might mean meeting them halfway—literally. If they’re into video games or social media, learn a bit about what they enjoy. Even if it feels like you’re speaking a foreign language, showing interest in their world can open up lines of communication. And who knows? Maybe you’ll end up bonding over Minecraft (hey, stranger things have happened).
3. PICK YOUR BATTLES
Not every eye-roll or “whatever” is worth a showdown. Pick your battles wisely. If you engage in a power struggle over every little thing, you’ll quickly wear them—and yourself—out. Instead, let the small stuff slide and focus on the important issues, like their emotional well-being or schoolwork.
4. LISTEN (LIKE, REALLY LISTEN)
It’s tempting to jump in with advice (we’ve all done it), but sometimes, your teen just wants to be heard. Try asking open-ended questions and letting them vent without judgment or offering solutions. For example, instead of saying, “You should really study more,” try, “What do you think would help you feel less stressed about school?” Spoiler alert: you may be surprised how much more they open up when they’re not being told what to do.
5. SPEND TIME TOGETHER (WITHOUT EXPECTING A HEART-TO-HEART)
Sometimes the best bonding happens when you’re not focused on bonding at all. Go for a drive, cook a meal together, or watch a movie. These shared moments can build connection without the pressure of having to talk. Your teen might just surprise you by opening up when you least expect it.
6. DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY
Here’s the hard truth: When your teenager shuts you out, it’s not about you. They’re figuring out who they are, and pulling away is part of that process. So when they snap at you for asking a simple question, try not to take it to heart. Easier said than done, right? But remember, they still need you—probably more than they’re letting on.

PRACTICAL TIPS FOR REBUILDING CONNECTION

• KEEP IT LIGHT: Sometimes humor is the best way to break through the walls. A funny comment or shared inside joke can remind them that you’re not just “the parent,” but someone who gets them (or at least tries to).
• SHOW UP CONSISTENTLY: Even if they don’t always engage, just being there—whether it’s at dinner, during homework time, or at their soccer game—lets them know you care.
• FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE: Compliment them when they do something right, even if it’s as simple as cleaning their room (hey, it’s rare enough to celebrate!). Positive reinforcement goes a long way.
• LET THEM MAKE MISTAKES: Part of being a teenager is making bad decisions. Unless it’s dangerous, let them figure things out on their own sometimes. It’s tough, but those mistakes are where they learn the most.

WHEN TO SEEK HELP

If you feel like the disconnection is too deep to handle on your own, consider reaching out for support. Family counseling can provide a neutral space to work through these struggles and rebuild your relationship. There’s no shame in asking for help—if anything, it shows your teenager that relationships are worth fighting for.

CONCLUSION

Let’s be real—connecting with your teenager can feel like trying to solve a Rubik’s cube with your eyes closed. It’s frustrating, confusing, and sometimes downright impossible. But remember, this is a phase, not a permanent state. With patience, understanding, and a lot of deep breaths, you can bridge the gap and rebuild that connection.

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.

a. The names of people used in articles and stories on this website are entirely fictional and do not represent any real individuals or experiences.
b. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, is purely coincidental.
c. The purpose of using fictional names and stories is to provide examples and illustrate situations in a hypothetical context for informational or educational purposes.

UNDERSTANDING AND OVERCOMING INTIMACY ISSUES IN MARRIAGE

INTRODUCTION

Marriage is a beautiful journey… until it’s not. There are few things more awkward than realizing that the person you vowed to share everything with feels like a distant roommate. Intimacy issues are more common than you think, but they don’t have to be the death of connection. Let’s dive into why this happens and—more importantly—how you can fix it.

WHAT ARE INTIMACY ISSUES IN MARRIAGE?

So, what exactly are “intimacy issues”? It’s not just about physical affection (although that’s part of it). We’re talking about emotional closeness, vulnerability, and the general feeling that you’re still each other’s person. If you’ve ever felt like you’re both living parallel lives under the same roof, you know exactly what I mean.

Here’s how intimacy struggles usually show up:

• Emotional disconnection: When you can barely muster a “How was your day?” (Hint: You’re not the only one who dreads it sometimes.)
• Physical intimacy problems: The “cuddle drought” you both tiptoe around but never quite address.
• Communication roadblocks: Trying to open up emotionally but it feels like you’re just banging your head against the metaphorical wall.

Of course, these issues don’t just pop up out of nowhere. Life, with all its wonderful messiness, has a way of getting in the way.

COMMON CAUSES OF INTIMACY ISSUES

1. LIFE STRESSORS
You know how life keeps throwing one thing after another at you? Work, kids, bills… it’s all a glorious cocktail of stress that makes wanting to connect with your partner feel like just another item on your never-ending to-do list. For instance, poor Jim* drags himself home after a day of soul-crushing meetings only to find that—surprise!—he doesn’t feel like talking to anyone, least of all his wife, Sarah*.
2. EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE
Remember all that stuff from childhood you thought you’d “dealt with”? Yeah, not so much. Unresolved issues can pop up in your marriage like an unwelcome guest at a party. Erin*, for example, grew up in a family where nobody talked about feelings. So, of course, now when her husband, Adam*, tries to talk about theirs, she freezes up like a deer in headlights.
3. DIFFERENT COMMUNICATION STYLES
Ah, communication—the thing everyone says is important but no one really knows how to do. One of you talks in metaphors and subtle hints while the other is all about directness. It’s like trying to navigate a conversation in two different languages. When neither of you is understood, frustration (and more distance) builds.
4. PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL TRAUMA
Trauma has a knack for planting roots in your most personal spaces—your marriage included. For example, after a traumatic childbirth experience, Emma* feels emotionally and physically distant from her husband, Kevin*. Neither of them quite knows how to bridge the gap, but pretending it’s not there isn’t helping either.

HOW INTIMACY ISSUES AFFECT MARRIAGE

If you let intimacy issues fester, they’ll eventually start infecting the entire relationship.

Here’s what happens:

• More fights: Those little annoyances (“Why can’t you ever put the cap on the toothpaste?”) suddenly turn into full-blown wars.
• Feeling alone: It’s possible to feel lonely sitting right next to someone, and if the intimacy tank is running on fumes, you will.
• Looking elsewhere: I won’t sugarcoat it—emotional and physical disconnection can sometimes make people look for connection outside the marriage.

But here’s the kicker: You can fix this. It’s not easy, but it’s totally doable.

OVERCOMING INTIMACY ISSUES IN MARRIAGE

1. TALK ABOUT IT—EVEN IF IT’S PAINFUL
You know that awkward, gut-churning moment when you know you need to talk about something, but you’d rather eat a bowl of nails? Yeah, that’s the moment. The only way to fix intimacy issues is to talk about them. Set aside time when neither of you is exhausted (I know, easier said than done) and actually listen. Use “I” statements, like “I feel distant when we don’t spend time together,” rather than “You never do anything romantic anymore” (because nothing says romance like thinly veiled accusations).
2. CARVE OUT TIME FOR EACH OTHER
No, seriously. I don’t care how busy you are—put your phones down, send the kids to bed (or to the neighbor’s if necessary), and reconnect. Jordan* and Leah*, for instance, started setting aside 15 minutes before bed just to talk (no phones allowed). Was it awkward at first? Sure. But eventually, they started feeling like partners again instead of cohabitants.
3. CONSIDER COUNSELING BEFORE YOU HIT ROCK BOTTOM
Look, no one’s saying you can’t solve this on your own… but if it’s been months (or years) of the same struggles, what have you got to lose by seeing a professional? Relationship counseling helps couples unravel years of miscommunication, baggage, and “you never told me that’s what you needed!” moments. There’s no shame in asking for help before your marriage becomes the subject of a Nicholas Sparks novel gone wrong.
4. EASE BACK INTO PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Let’s be honest: jumping straight into the deep end of physical intimacy after months (or years) of distance feels awkward at best, terrifying at worst. So, start small. Hugs, hand-holding, sitting next to each other on the couch. Stacy* and Matt* found that even small gestures of affection—like holding hands on their evening walk—eventually paved the way for more intimacy. And no, it doesn’t have to be sexy right away. Give it time.
5. DO SOME PERSONAL WORK
Sometimes, intimacy struggles aren’t just about the relationship. If you’re carrying unresolved insecurities, traumas, or just a general lack of self-worth, it’s hard to connect with someone else. Working on your own mental well-being makes you a better partner (and, frankly, a better person for yourself). Therapy, mindfulness, or even just talking it out with a trusted friend can help you move forward.

PRACTICAL STEPS TO REKINDLE INTIMACY

• Create Little Rituals: Something as simple as sharing your morning coffee or taking a short walk after dinner can bring you closer.
• Say Thank You (Like, Out Loud): Gratitude goes a long way, even if it’s just for mundane things like taking out the trash.
• Try Something New Together: If the old stuff isn’t working, why not inject some excitement by doing something completely out of your comfort zone? Cooking class, anyone? You’d be surprised what trying something new can spark.
• Be Patient—With Yourself and Each Other: Rebuilding intimacy takes time, and there will be days when it feels impossible. That’s okay. Keep showing up.

WHEN TO SEEK HELP

If your attempts to fix intimacy issues feel like hitting a brick wall, it might be time for professional help. Couples counseling offers a neutral space to work through deep-rooted issues and rebuild emotional and physical connection. Remember, it’s not about “fixing” each other; it’s about rediscovering your partnership.

CONCLUSION

Marriage is hard. (There, I said it.) Intimacy issues make it even harder, but they’re not a death sentence. With communication, commitment, and a lot of awkward conversations, you can rediscover the closeness you once had. And remember:

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.

a. The names of people used in articles and stories on this website are entirely fictional and do not represent any real individuals or experiences.
b. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or deceased, is purely coincidental.
c. The purpose of using fictional names and stories is to provide examples and illustrate situations in a hypothetical context for informational or educational purposes.

A few weeks ago I attended a beautiful Christian wedding. The pastor did a great job because his message actually informed the couple that even though their celebration together on this day surrounded by family and friends was creating beautiful memories, they might experience some disappointing moments and those moments could possibly happen very quickly after the ceremony ended. He encouraged them not be caught off guard in those disappointing moments but to know this is normal and in these disappointments they should take a deep breath, seek wisdom and guidance and even ask the Lord in prayer to help them.

What wisdom! I'm afraid we've given couples a Hallmark version of marriage where there are no problems and everything turns out gloriously every single moment. We don't do newlyweds any favors to suggest that marriage is without disappointing moments and includes many times of working through tough hurts.

What you might not know is that the number one emotion that causes couples to be disconnected is disappointment. It is wise to inform couples that disappointment will come, but this doesn't mean that these disappointing interactions are deal breakers. Disappointment is simply an opportunity for couples to learn how to solve problems and to grow together in victory.

Many couples I work with are shocked to hear about the power of disappointment and how normal it is for married couples to be disappointed in their marriage. Couples witness others in church and other groups who never look disappointed. They wonder what is wrong with them, why they aren't thriving in their marriage.

Christian couples need to learn how to be married! Many couples never saw good examples of marriage and for the most part are expecting things "to just work out." For this reason I created a course they can work through watching videos and doing assignments from a workbook so they can have a better understanding of navigating marriage and improving the marriage relationship. Committing to improving their marriage with this training will definitely help couples create new habits, learn more about each other and marriage and escape being stuck in a disappointing marriage.

Is your mind filled with anxiety?
Maybe you’re suffering from sleepless nights and feeling nervous and upset all day…
Worrying all the time…
Imagining the worst-case scenario…
Maybe having an anxiety free mind sounds impossible.
Maybe you think anxiety is helpful and necessary.
That it helps you solve your problems.
But if you’re honest, what you really want is to relax and calm down.
You want to be free of anxiety.
It is truly possible to become anxiety free – no matter what your situation is.
A few years ago, I was an anxious mess. A family situation had me in knots. I hardly ate, couldn’t sleep, and was consumed with worry all day. In the midst of my miser

Here’s what I discovered…

1. DON’T BELIEVE EVERY THING your mind tells you!
It’s true! Thoughts are just thoughts! You don’t need to trust every one of them. Not all thoughts are equal.

2. Become AWARE of your thoughts.
This means pausing long enough to become mindful of the thoughts rolling around in your mind. Take a break from your whirlwind of thoughts. Stop long enough to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Identify the ones causing your anxiety.

3. ASK YOURSELF: Where do these thoughts come from?
This is a reflective process that takes a bit of time but helps you understand the root of your thoughts. Thoughts come from a lifetime of experiences that have formed impressions or unconscious ideas about how life works and your place in the world. For example, individuals with anxiety might have unconscious thoughts like…
I will always be a worrier.
Life is unsafe and scary.
Anxiety helps me cope with problems.
I’ll never be able to calm down.
Something must be wrong with me.

4. Identify CORE BELIEFS
Unconscious thoughts affect everything you do. They influence your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions. Why? Because they form the foundational system of beliefs by which you live.
They are called CORE BELIEFS. For instance, someone living with the core belief that anxiety is the way to cope with problems, experiences a mind automatically filled with anxious thoughts and feelings when something happens.
An event could even be neutral but those of us with anxiety will interpret it as being negative and dangerous. While someone else operating from a different set of beliefs might interpret the event as a positive opportunity.

5. Accept and change LIMITING BELIEFS
Core beliefs become LIMITING BELIEFS when you trust and act on them. Hanging on to the core belief, for instance, that life is unsafe and scary, holds you back in life. Fear and anxiety control your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions.
The key to reducing limiting beliefs that cause anxiety is to allow and accept them. Be aware of your limiting beliefs and decide to do something about the ones that cause anxious thoughts.
Remember: You don’t have to believe everything your mind tells you!

You always have a choice to change negative thoughts and limiting beliefs into positive thoughts and empowering beliefs.

Here’s how…

Replace old beliefs with new beliefs. For instance, someone with the old belief, “I will never be able to calm down,” could change it to the new belief, “I can calm down. I can do what it takes to calm down.”
Repeat the new belief to yourself every day! Even several times a day. Make it a habit. This will start to reprogram your mind and create new neural pathways in your brain.
You can reprogram your mind and become anxiety free!

I hope you can follow these 5 steps to become aware of your limiting beliefs, change them to new empowering beliefs and to repeat them often. Take this path to become anxiety free.

However, if you are truly struggling with anxiety that keep you nervous and troubled, watch my FREE 10 minute video on How to Stop Anxiety (https://janekcoaching.com/schedule-a-call/) to learn the exact 3 steps you can take to Become Anxiety Free.

Jane Kennard PhD, CPC is a Canadian born anxiety coach whose desire is to help women become anxiety free. Her purpose is to support women struggling with anxiety, overwhelm and worry and help them experience anxiety free living. She lives in Texas with her husband and Bishon pup, Toby. Find out more and sign up for a free consultation here.

Attending church regularly, praying, Bible-reading, and devotionals are worthwhile activities, but activity alone does not make a relationship.

Kingdom Blueprint takes a deep dive into what it looks like to be called into a relationship with the Living God--and how to allow that relationship to transform our relationships with ourselves and others.

Relationships explore how to
See and embrace God's invitation to relationship
Overcome resistance to the invitation
Stop sabotaging relationship with God and others
Accept God's invitation to enter into our true selves
Sit in the presence of God
Actively participate in intentional spiritual formation and transformation
Use seven disciplines to orient yourself to the presence of God

Alright, mama—let’s get real for a minute. How many times have you said yes to something (you didn’t really want to do) just to avoid feeling guilty? Yup, same. But here's the thing—saying no doesn’t have to feel like you’re stepping on someone’s toes or sending out a breakup text. Nope! You can protect your time and energy without all the guilt or awkwardness.

Saying no can be tough, especially when you're juggling relationships, family, and life’s never-ending demands. But guess what? There’s a secret sauce to saying no nicely that’ll leave you feeling empowered and keep your relationships intact. Whether you’re turning down a PTA project, rejecting an invite, or just trying to carve out some me-time without offending anyone, I’m here to help you master the graceful (and totally doable) art of saying no—without feeling like a jerk.

Let’s dive in and learn how you can say no without sacrificing your sanity or your relationships.

Why You NEED to Learn How to Say No

Listen, I know you want to be there for everyone. But trying to keep all those plates spinning is going to lead you straight to Burnout City—and nobody wants that. Here’s the truth: when you say yes to everything, you’re actually saying no to yourself. And trust me, saying no every now and then is the best form of self-care you can give yourself.

Learning how to say no is like reclaiming your power. When you start setting those boundaries, you’re protecting your peace and energy. You’ll be more present when you do say yes because it won’t come with all that resentment and exhaustion.

What Happens When You Don’t Say No? (Spoiler: It’s Not Good)

Ever found yourself knee-deep in something you wish you could bail on? Maybe it’s volunteering for that bake sale you never had time for, or attending that social event that’s draining your already-limited energy. Here’s what happens when you don’t say no: you stretch yourself too thin, and eventually, you’ll snap. And mama, that’s no good for you or anyone else.

When you’re always saying yes, you’re giving up the time you need for yourself. Eventually, resentment sneaks in (and we all know that’s a recipe for disaster). Your relationships suffer, your mental health takes a hit, and worst of all, you start to lose you. Saying no allows you to say YES to things that fill your cup instead of emptying it.

The Art of Assertiveness (AKA Standing Your Ground Without Being Mean)

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to become the “mean mom” (don’t worry, you won’t!). It’s all about being assertive—which is basically just a fancy way of saying you’re confident in expressing your needs. And guess what? You can do it kindly without being aggressive or cold.

Think of assertiveness like this: It’s about setting the tone, drawing your boundaries in the sand, and letting people know what you need, all while keeping things cool, calm, and respectful. No drama, no attitude—just clear communication. You’re saying, “This is what I can handle, and I’m sticking to it.” It’s that simple.

You’re allowed to say no—and when you do it confidently, people respect you more for it. The truth is, people often take their cues from you. When you approach something with confidence and calmness, they’ll pick up on that and respond accordingly. They may even admire you for being clear and firm about what works for you.

The key here is balance. Assertiveness isn’t about being harsh or cold; it’s about valuing yourself enough to speak up. It’s about finding that sweet spot between being overly passive (saying yes to everything and drowning in commitments) and being too aggressive (snapping and shutting people down). Instead, assertiveness is your power tool for saying no in a way that respects both you and the other person. You can say no to that extra task, the social invitation, or the favor, and still keep the relationship intact. It’s about honesty, and honesty—when paired with kindness—is always a win.

How to Say No Without the Awkwardness: Communication 101
Okay, so you’re ready to say no, but how do you do it without feeling like you’re letting someone down or coming off as rude? It’s all in how you communicate. Let’s break it down:

1. Be Honest but Brief (and Skip the Novel-Sized Explanation)
Here’s the thing—most people don’t need a long, drawn-out explanation when you’re saying no. In fact, over-explaining can sometimes make things more awkward. For example, you don’t need to go into detail about your laundry list of reasons why you can’t do something. A simple, “I’d love to help, but I’m not able to commit right now” works like a charm. It’s honest, respectful, and best of all—it leaves no room for guilt.

The truth is people appreciate when you’re upfront. Being honest shows you’re genuine, and they’ll respect your boundaries more. And bonus: You’re not left scrambling to come up with excuses or get caught up in a web of unnecessary explanations.

2. Use “I” Statements to Keep it Personal, Not Blamey
One of the best ways to soften a no is by framing it in terms of your own needs. Using “I” statements is a simple yet powerful tool. Saying things like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to take a breather” or “I don’t have the capacity to take this on right now” focuses on your feelings and circumstances, instead of making the other person feel at fault for asking.

Compare these two examples:

“You always ask me to do too much!” (Aggressive, right?)

“I’m really stretched thin right now, and I need to focus on other priorities.” (So much kinder!)

The key here is ownership. When you focus on your limits and needs, it’s clear that your no isn’t personal—it’s about managing your own well-being.

3. The Power of the “No, But...” Approach
If you’re worried about saying no completely and want to keep the door open for future possibilities, the “No, But...” strategy works wonders. Let’s say a friend invites you to a last-minute brunch, but your Sunday morning is already booked with errands and a rare moment of relaxation. Instead of feeling pressured, you can say, “I can’t make it this Sunday, but how about next weekend instead?”

This approach shows that you’re still interested in maintaining the relationship, but you’re prioritizing your time in a way that works for you. It softens the blow of a no and gives both you and the other person an alternative to look forward to.

Here’s how it could work in other situations:

At work: “I’m swamped with deadlines right now, but I’d be happy to review the project next week.”

With a friend: “I’m not up for a big night out, but I’d love to catch up over coffee soon.”

With family: “I can’t host the holiday dinner this year, but I can help with the planning and decorations.”

4. Use Humor to Lighten the Mood
Sometimes, when things get tense or awkward, a little humor can go a long way. If saying no feels uncomfortable, injecting a bit of lightheartedness can make it feel less heavy for both you and the person asking. For example, if someone asks you to do something that’s just not feasible, you could say something like, “I’d love to, but I’m already trying to figure out how to clone myself to get through this week!” It keeps the mood friendly while still delivering your no.

Of course, this tactic only works if humor feels natural for you and the relationship. If the vibe is more formal, stick with a polite decline. But don’t be afraid to let a little personality shine through—saying no doesn’t have to feel like a legal proceeding!

5. Be Consistent and Firm (Without Wavering or Backtracking)
When you say no, stand by it. Often, the guilt that follows makes us second-guess ourselves, and before we know it, we’re adding qualifiers like, “Well, maybe I can make it work…” No, mama, hold your ground! Being consistent is key. If you say no but start to backtrack, it sends mixed signals and weakens your boundary.

Example: A friend asks you to volunteer for the school bake sale, and you’ve already got too much on your plate. You say no politely, but then start wavering with something like, “Well, I suppose I could make a few cupcakes…” Suddenly, you’re right back to feeling overcommitted. Instead, stick to your original no and keep it firm. “I wish I could help, but I’ve got too much going on this week. I’ll have to pass this time.”

It’s about being kind but standing your ground. You deserve to protect your energy.

6. Timing Is Everything
Believe it or not, when you say no can matter just as much as how you say it. If possible, deliver your no sooner rather than later—dragging it out only adds to the awkwardness. If you know you can’t commit to something, don’t wait until the last minute to let the person know. For example, if someone asks for your help next week but you already know your schedule is jam-packed, it’s better to give a polite no early on: “I won’t be able to help next week, but I wanted to let you know now so you can find someone else.”

Being timely not only keeps things smooth and respectful, but it also shows you’re considering the other person’s needs by giving them ample notice.

7. Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings, but Stay Focused on Your No
Sometimes, the hardest part of saying no is worrying about how the other person will react. While you want to acknowledge their feelings, remember that you don’t need to bend your boundaries to protect them from disappointment. Saying something like, “I understand this might be tough to hear, but I can’t commit to this right now” shows empathy without sacrificing your own needs. It’s okay to recognize that your no might not be what they wanted to hear, but that doesn’t mean you need to change your answer.

Setting Boundaries with Confidence

Boundaries are your best friend. They’re not about pushing people away; they’re about protecting your energy. When you set clear boundaries, you’re telling the world, “Hey, this is what I can handle, and I’m sticking to it.” Boundaries are essential for your mental health and your relationships, and the more you practice them, the easier they become.

It’s okay to say, “I need some time for myself,” or “I can’t make it to that event.” You’re allowed to protect your peace, and trust me, the people who respect you will respect those boundaries too.

Here are a few more ways to frame your no:
“I’d love to help, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.” This keeps things honest and clear without over-explaining.

“I appreciate the invite, but I need a quiet night in to recharge.” Saying no to social events is totally valid, especially when you’re prioritizing self-care.

“I can’t take on anything else this week, but let me know how it goes!” It’s a great way to show support without stretching yourself thin.

“I’m flattered you asked, but I have to say no this time.” A polite decline that shows you appreciate being included, but you’re still standing by your limits.

“I have too many commitments right now to give this my full attention.” This emphasizes that your no is about protecting the quality of your time and energy, not about rejecting the person.

The bottom line: You don’t need to justify or apologize for protecting your boundaries. The right people will understand that saying no is a form of self-respect, not rejection.

Saying ‘No’ Without Guilt or Apology

Now, here’s the real kicker: the guilt. I know it’s there—the little voice telling you that saying no is selfish or rude. But guess what? That voice is wrong. Taking care of yourself and setting limits isn’t selfish; it’s survival. The more you say no to things that don’t align with your needs, the more you’re saying yes to the things that truly matter—your health, your sanity, and your happiness.

Let’s say goodbye to guilt once and for all. The more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes. And here’s a secret: you’ll actually feel better knowing you’re taking care of yourself first.

When “No” Feels Complicated: Dealing with Pushback

Let’s face it—sometimes, saying no doesn’t end with a simple, “Okay, I understand.” In reality, people might push back or try to change your mind, and that’s when it gets a little more complicated. But here’s the thing: standing firm in your boundaries is crucial for your well-being. And often, pushback has more to do with the other person than with your no.

Why Do People Push Back?
They’re Not Used to Hearing No from You
If you’ve always been the one to say yes—whether it’s taking on extra tasks, lending a hand, or just always being available—people get accustomed to it. So, the first time you set a boundary, it can catch them off guard. They may not know how to react because they’re used to you bending over backward. But guess what? That’s their issue, not yours. Their surprise doesn’t mean your no isn’t valid.

They’re Prioritizing Their Own Needs Over Yours
Some people push back because they’re thinking about how your no affects them—their plans, their workload, or their convenience. It’s natural for people to react this way, but it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for their expectations. Your needs are just as important. If they guilt-trip you or push harder, stay firm. Acknowledge their feelings but stand by your decision. For example, “I understand this is important to you, but I’m still unable to commit.”

They Don’t Realize They’re Crossing a Boundary
Sometimes, people aren’t even aware that they’re overstepping. They might be so used to leaning on you that they don’t see your yes as something that might drain you. When you set a boundary, it may feel like a sudden shift to them. If this happens, you can offer a gentle reminder: “I know I usually help with this, but I need to take a step back for my own well-being.” Over time, they’ll get the message.

They’re Trying to Test Your Limits
Let’s be real: some people don’t like hearing no because it challenges the dynamic they’ve come to expect. These individuals might push back to see if you’ll crack. They may guilt-trip you with phrases like, “But I really need you,” or “You always do this for me.” It’s critical to hold your ground in these moments. You can say something like, “I hear you, but I’m still not able to help right now.” It’s calm, clear, and keeps you in control.

Preparing Yourself for Pushback
Knowing that pushback is a possibility is half the battle. Here are some ways to prepare yourself and deal with it effectively:

Stay Calm and Collected
When people push back, it’s easy to feel flustered or even guilty. But here’s the secret: keep your response short and steady. Repeat your original no without wavering. For example, “I understand where you’re coming from, but I still can’t commit to that right now.” You don’t need to get defensive or apologize. Just stay calm and firm.

Don’t Over-Explain
There’s a temptation to start justifying your no, but resist the urge to go down that path. Over-explaining opens the door for more pushback because it gives the other person something to argue against. The more you explain, the more they may try to poke holes in your reasoning. A simple, clear no is more powerful: “I can’t take that on right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

Hold Your Ground with Empathy
It’s possible to say no while still acknowledging the other person’s feelings. This doesn’t mean you’re backing down—it means you’re showing empathy while maintaining your boundaries. Something like, “I get that this might be hard to hear, but I’ve made my decision and it’s what’s best for me right now” lets them know you care, but you’re still standing firm.

Prepare for Reactions
People react in all kinds of ways when faced with a no. Some might try to guilt-trip you, others might act hurt, and a few might get defensive. The key is not to take their reactions personally. Their feelings aren’t your responsibility, and it’s okay if they need time to adjust to the new dynamic. Keep reminding yourself: you are allowed to say no. You don’t owe anyone an immediate yes.

Know That It Gets Easier

The more you practice saying no, the easier it gets—and the less pushback you’ll face over time. People who push back are often testing whether you really mean it. If you hold your ground consistently, they’ll learn to respect your boundaries. Eventually, the pushback will diminish, and people will come to understand that when you say no, you mean it.

Conclusion: It’s Time to Take Your Power Back

It’s time to stop feeling bad about saying no. You deserve to prioritize yourself and protect your energy. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re letting anyone down—it means you’re showing up in a healthier, more balanced way.

Ready to master the art of saying no without feeling guilty? I’m here to help. Together, we’ll work on setting boundaries, protecting your peace, and finding that sweet spot where you can be a total rockstar at life without burning yourself out.

Schedule your free consultation today, and let’s start creating the balance you deserve!

-Kelly, MA, BCBA, Mom Life Coach

Racing heart. Tight chest. Sweating. Lightheaded. Can’t breathe. You might even start to wonder if this is a heart attack. You may begin to think there is no way stress or anxiety could be causing such intense physical symptoms. In this blog you will learn what exactly is a panic attack, what to do to prevent this from happening and how to get through one.

What is a Panic Attack?

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Illness (DSM-5) is where diagnostic criteria for all mental illnesses can be found. The most updated version (5) describes a panic attack as the following:

An abrupt surge of intense fear or intense discomfort that reaches a peak within minutes and during which time four or more of the following symptoms occur:

Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
Sweating
Trembling or shaking
Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
Feeling of choking
Chest pain or discomfort
Nausea or abdominal distress
Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
Fear of losing control or “going crazy”
Fear of dying
Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensation)
Chills or heat sensations.

It is easy to see why a panic attack can be confused for a heart attack.

How to Prevent a Panic Attack

Most panic attacks occur due to a build-up of toxic stress that is being ignored instead of addressed and managed. I provide further information on toxic stress and stress management strategies in this article, which I highly recommend. I continue to emphasize the importance of noticing what you are thinking about as you begin to manage stress and thus prevent panic attacks. Our thoughts, feelings and behaviors are closely intertwined and this will give you valuable information as to what you are ruminating on but not dealing with.

Think of feelings of anxiety like an alarm, trying to get your attention. If the alarm is ignored, it may result in a panic attack so that you are forced to pay attention to the issue.
For example, if you were wearing a coat, and you began to sweat, you would take the perspiration as a cue that your body wanted you to remove your coat. Our signs of anxiety are also trying to get our attention to make a change.

Take a second to think about how your body tells you you are stressed or anxious. Do you start to have an upset stomach? Do your palms sweat? Do you hold your breath or clench your jaw?

If you cannot identify this, it indicates you are not paying attention to your body signals, which have been trying to alert you that a panic attack is coming. There is no shame. Most of us have not been taught to pay attention to our emotional cues. But you can change this. Practice cueing into your body and listening when it is trying to tell you something. Once you notice your body cues for stress/anxiety, you can use this guide to manage your stress and prevent panic attacks.

Many people have panic attacks at night or struggle with anxiety-induced insomnia because it is the only time in the day when they cannot ignore the anxiety. It comes on full force because our brain is finally trying to be still to sleep. If this is you, this is a perfect indication that you have unmanaged stress that has been trying to get your attention.

Give yourself time before bed to put away your devices (this includes the TV) and write down what is on your mind, what is bothering you and what you don’t want to forget about tomorrow. Your brain will be glad it doesn’t have to ruminate because you have written it down and won’t forget. Remember, our brains are trying to help us.

What to do if You are Having a Panic Attack?

Do your best to slow your breathing. The more you practice diaphragmatic breathing, the better it will work during a panic attack. Diaphragmatic breathing is breathing slowly in your nose while you push out your stomach like inflating a balloon, hold it for a moment, and breathe out slowly through your nose or mouth while your stomach deflates.
Tell yourself you are safe and you are okay. Our bodies are wired for survival. If we can at least minimize the fear of death and remind ourselves this is a panic attack that will pass, our brains will regulate faster.
Use your 5 senses to ground yourself in the present. Smell is our strongest sense so if you can focus on a smell do that. Keep an essential oil or candle nearby, this will help tremendously. You can Splash cold water on your face or hold an ice cube to initiate the sense of touch. Notice and focus on a detail in your environment; a leaf, flower, kitchen tile, letters on your keyboard to initiate the sense of sight, etc.


Next Steps

While panic attacks are common, regular occurrence is an indicator that you need additional support.

Panic attacks put a tremendous amount of stress on your entire nervous system. This will in turn impact your digestive system, your sleep among many other aspects of your life. I would highly recommend that if you have had a panic attack, you should consider getting professional support. While you can work to prevent and decrease the length of panic attacks, you may need additional support managing the level of stress you are under. I’ve been saying this a lot lately, therapy doesn’t have to last forever. It may only take 5 sessions for you to understand the root of your symptoms, practice tools to regulate your nervous system and prevent panic attacks.

As always, I am here to support you in either finding a therapist in your area, or working with you if you are in the state of Arizona.




Maggie McCane, LCSW

www.rehobothtucson.com
hello@rehobothtucson.com
520-222-9735

By Bridgette Morris, Christian Therapist and Creator of the SNAP! Method - #1 tool to deal with narcissitc people with a faith-based mindset

If you’ve found yourself entangled with a narcissistic parent, partner, or colleague, you know how disorienting and painful it can be. It’s easy to feel conflicted, stuck, and utterly unsure of what steps to take next. The internal struggle is real, and it’s deeply rooted in something called cognitive dissonance—a term that might sound clinical but describes a very human experience of mental and emotional conflict. In these moments, faith isn’t just a comfort; it’s a critical compass guiding you through the storm.

Understanding Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Relationships
Cognitive dissonance occurs when your mind struggles to reconcile two conflicting beliefs or values. Imagine loving someone deeply, but constantly being hurt by their manipulative behavior. You know something is wrong, but you cling to the hope that things will change, or that their actions aren’t as harmful as they seem. This is cognitive dissonance at play—your brain is trying to make sense of two opposing realities: the love and the harm.

For many, this dissonance creates a paralyzing state of confusion and self-doubt. You start questioning your own perceptions, wondering if you’re overreacting or misunderstanding the situation. It’s a mental tug-of-war that leaves you feeling drained and trapped.

The Role of Faith in Navigating Narcissistic Manipulation
As Christians, our faith is the bedrock that holds us steady when everything else feels shaky. But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s easy to lose sight of that foundation. The narcissist’s manipulations can be so subtle, so insidious, that they make you doubt your own beliefs and values.

This is where faith becomes more than a comfort—it becomes your anchor. By leaning into your faith, you can begin to see through the narcissist’s tactics. You’re reminded of your worth in God’s eyes, a worth that no amount of manipulation can diminish. Faith helps you discern the truth from the lies, giving you the strength to stand firm in your values.

The SNAP! Method: Leaning into Faith to Impact Change
Dealing with a narcissist isn’t just about survival; it’s about reclaiming your power and living a life of peace and purpose. That’s why I developed the SNAP! Method—a structured, faith-based approach that allows you to lean into your faith during moments of manipulation, empowering you to create real, lasting change.

Here’s how the SNAP! Method works:

Stop: The first step is to pause. When you’re caught in the whirlwind of a narcissist’s manipulations, the best thing you can do is take a step back. This isn’t about giving up; it’s about giving yourself the space to think clearly.

Notice: Pay attention to what’s really happening. Notice the patterns of manipulation, the subtle ways the narcissist tries to control or belittle you. This step is crucial because it allows you to separate your emotions from the narcissist’s tactics.

Ask: Here’s where faith comes in. Ask yourself how your faith informs this situation. What would Christ advise you to do? What does scripture say about your worth and how you should be treated? By grounding yourself in your faith, you can make decisions that align with your values rather than the narcissist’s agenda.

Pivot: Finally, take action. But not just any action—action that’s rooted in your faith and values. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or even walking away. Whatever it is, it’s a pivot toward a life of peace, away from the chaos the narcissist thrives on.

The SNAP! Method isn’t just a tool; it’s a lifeline. It’s a way to take control of your life, not by fighting fire with fire, but by leaning into the strength and wisdom that comes from your faith.

Moving Forward with Confidence and Faith
Narcissism is a tough opponent, but it’s not invincible. With the right tools and a strong foundation in faith, you can navigate even the most challenging relationships. Cognitive dissonance and emotional manipulation don’t have to control your life. By understanding these dynamics and using the SNAP! Method, you can reclaim your power and start living the life God intended for you—a life filled with peace, purpose, and unwavering faith.

I’m Bridgette Morris, with over 20 years of experience in helping individuals break free from the grip of narcissism. I’ve authored a book on the subject and founded the Healing Life Institute, where my team of five dedicated professionals all approach narcissism from a faith-based lens. Together, we’re committed to guiding you through true healing and lasting transformation.

Let’s start this journey together.

My Theological Construct of Marriage

I submit that one’s personal theology, core values, beliefs and ultimate understanding of biblical doctrine all buttress one’s framework of marriage. Several questions arise regarding one’s value system, one’s belief system, socialization, cultural exposure which serve to shape the lens by which couples view the world. As such, to avoid repetitive issues, problems and conflict in marriage, there must be some level of unity with respect to the philosophy and/or biblical theology of the marriage couple (Genesis 2:24; I Corinthians 11:11; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). Elwell (2001) clearly outlines the similar relationship between theology and philosophy, “Since theology and philosophy both engage in critical analysis of the meaning of terms, follow a strict process of observation and reasoning to reach conclusions, and traditionally sought to formulate a consistent worldview, philosophy and theology are overlapping disciplines (Elwell p. 1163). In this regard, the Bible explicitly states, “Hear this word that the Lord hath spoken against you, O children of Israel, against the whole family which I brought up from the land of Egypt, saying, You only have I known of all the families of the earth: therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities. Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:1-3, King James Version). To better explicate the relational functioning of marriage from a theological perspective let us first examine marriage in the context of creation.

The Creation of Humanity

Seeking to understand the relationship of humanity to God, from a perspective of image and likeness, is an extremely complex issue. As such, any serious attempt to understand what it means to be made in the image of God is centered on the premise of the doctrines of humanity and creation. Several biblical passages speak of the image of God. The best-known is probably Geneses 1:26-27. Verse 26 is God’s statement of intention; it includes the terms (tselem) and (demuth), translated respectively, “image” and “likeness” (Erickson, 1998, p. 519). While the content of the divine image remains a matter of debate, its significance as a marker for human distinctiveness within creation is a matter of broad theological consensus. The problem is that such an assessment of the “imago dei” seems altogether out of keeping with its place in the Bible (McFarland, 2005, p. 1). To establish a sound theology of marriage, one must seek to establish a relationship between humanity and the “likeness” and “image “of God. In terms of creation, what distinguishes man from any other creature? Man is not only a creature, but he is also a person. And to be a person means to have a kind of independence- not absolute but relative. According to Baker (1991), “The idea of the image of God means that humanity has a unique relation to God. There is something about God that is also true of human beings but not true of animals” (p. 36). Implicitly, God created humanity with free will. In the marital context, there is a strong relational functioning that enables the ability to understand and establish covenant, set goals, establish families, make life-changing decisions.

The Fall of Man

So early was the decision -making ability granted to humanity that it led to “the Fall” of man. At the corpus of the decisions made by Adam and Eve were yielding to temptation and disobedience. According to Elwell (2001), “That humanity by creation uniquely bears the image of God is a fundamental biblical doctrine- as is also that this image is sullied by sin and that it is restored by divine salvation” (p. 591). The discourse of deception created by Satan gives a clear preview of his guile.

Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ” Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was[a]pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:1-6, New King James Version)

Adam and Eve’s disobedience resulted in the fall of humankind, led to man’s spiritual separation from God and broke covenant with God. According to Hoekema (1986), the statement “God created man in his own image” intends to do more than just describe man’s spiritual and moral integrity, but rather humankind was “created was to mirror God and to represent God” (p. 66). Elwell (2001) further establishes a theological framework in support of my earlier statement on the related doctrines. He notes: “Hebrew-Christian theology frames the doctrine of the imago in the setting of divine creation and redemption” (p. 591). As such, the reader should begin to observe a common threat not only of humanity link to God’s image and likeness, but also to the theological constructs of creation, the fall and now redemption.

The Redemption Plan of God

The Son of God, who as the divine Word is the expression of the will and power of God, is not only the agent of creation by whom all things were brought into being and providential sustainer of the universe as a historical continuum (Col. 1:15-17; Heb. 1:2), but also the redeemer in and through whom all God’s purposes of creation are established and brought to fulfillment. In 2 Corinthians 4:3-6, the Apostle Paul links Christ as the “imago dei” with the glory-Christology evident throughout the New Testament.

But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:3-6, New King James Version)

I posit that the fulness of God’s redemptive process cannot be fully comprehended in the absence a revelation of God’s atonement. According to Hughes (1989) “The whole purpose of the incarnation was our redemption. The person of Christ receives its full meaning from the work of Christ” (p. 342). The Bible vividly makes the work of the Cross a very passionate experience. “And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross” (Philippians 4:6, New King James Version). In the marriage context, God’s agape love becomes the model to which married couples should aspire (Ephesians 5:21-25). According to Parrott and Parrott (2006), “Consummate love results from the full combination of love’s three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Consummate love is the goal toward which every marriage strives” (p. 43). In summary, relational functioning in a marriage may perhaps best be sustained through consummate and unconditional love, oneness and unity in both the natural and spiritual, an intentionally willingness to fidelity, commitment, sacrifice, forgiveness and submission to the divine will of God. Hamilton and Cunningham (2000) affirm the conciliatory view of marriage. He notes that “Jesus came to set in motion the healing God had promised when Adam and Eve shared the great tragedy of the Garden. He came to end the painful consequences of a broken and sinful world, including the rift between men and women” (p. 111).

References

Baker, W. H. (1991). The Image of God. Chicago: Moody Press.

Elwell, A. W. (2001). Evangelical dictionary of theology. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic.

Erickson, M. J. (1998). Christian theology. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic.

Hamilton, D. & Cunningham, J. R. L. (2000). Why not women? A fresh look at scripture on women in missions, ministry, and leadership. Washington, Seattle: YWAM Publishing.

Hoekema, A. A. (1986). Created in God’s image. Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

Hughes, P. E. (1989). The true image. Grand Rapids: W. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

McFarland, I. A. (2005). The divine image. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress Press.

Parrott, L. & Parrott, L. (2006). Saving your marriage before it starts. Grand Rapids: Zondervan

Most people experience less leisure and more daily stress as they juggle work and career, family, and friends. In spite of life’s demands, there are some simple, effective steps that can be taken to ease up on daily pressures. Here are 16 ways to reduce stress during the workday. Choose those that work best for you and practice them often. Why? Because your health (physical, mental, spiritual) is much more important to your joy than material things. Here’s to your heath!

1. Begin the day with a brief prayer and meditation: Rather than jumping out of bed and rushing to start your day, take a few minutes – from five to 20 – to pray, meditate, read a short inspiring passage, think peaceful thoughts, appreciate God’s gift of a new, fresh day. Beginning this way gives you a sense of peace that will manifest itself all day.
2. Apply the wisdom of Paul to your daily living: “Whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable…think about such things” (Philippians 4:8 NIV). Those words are a reminder to think positively. During the day when you face a crisis, think challenge. When you face an obstacle, think opportunity. Approaching any stressful event positively will boost your energy.
3. Remember, you get to make mistakes: “Many people start sinking into despair or scolding themselves unmercifully after making a mistake,” observes Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Finding Joy. “The important thing to remember is that everyone makes mistakes…so ease up on yourself.”
4. Create peaceful images in your mind: Several times during your workday, pause briefly to create a peaceful image in your mind. For example, picture yourself gently canoeing on a calm, still lake with the sun shining brilliantly. Or imagine yourself sitting quietly on a hillside where you are completely surrounded by beautiful wildflowers.
5. Practice hospitality: Maintain an open-door policy in your heart for everyone you will encounter during the day. Greet everyone with a smile. This will make others feel good about being with you.
6. Observe your breathing: When we are relaxed our breathing is slow and even. However, when we are anxious or upset we tend to breathe irregularly. Pay attention to your breathing. As soon as you notice yourself becoming stressed say to yourself, “Stop.” As you breathe out, smile. As you do this let your shoulders drop and relax your hands. Repeat this technique several times.
7. Take a brisk walk: Experts note that exercise is effective in burning off the excess adrenaline that fuels feelings of anxiety and stress. Exercise also releases endorphins—the body’s natural chemicals that block anxiety and pain. So take a brisk walk over lunch hour. During office hours, even a brisk walk down the hallway or up a flight of stairs can help.
8. Change your lunch environment: Get out of the office and enjoy your noon meal in a park. Use this time to be with nature. At least once or twice a week, eat by yourself in silence. Eat slowly. Be thankful for your meal. Enjoy yourself.
9. Walk in someone else’s shoes: Try to see a conflict or difference of opinion from another person’s point of view. In most cases, you’ll find your anger slipping away.
10. Beware about what you drink: The caffeinated drinks you drink throughout the day can be a mental-health nightmare. Too much caffeine can cause shaky hands, restlessness, and irritability—all of which increase stressful feelings. Try eliminating it from your routine. If you can’t do it all at once, then cut down or do it gradually.
11. Concentrate on the task at hand, not the outcome: This is another way of learning to be less than perfect. If you find yourself fretting about a project, speak gently to yourself, saying: “Here I go again worrying about the future. I’ll just give this my best now.” Then do that. Remember to leave the future in God’s hands.
12. Just say “No”: Yes, it’s okay to say NO! You don’t have to accept every project, every invitation to become involved, every opportunity to attend a meeting. Accept what you need to do and what you want to do, but say “No, thank you” to other requests for your time. People will manage if you say no.
13. Make a peace pact with yourself: As soon as you begin to feel angry, hostile, cynical, skeptical, irritable, or impatient, repeat a word that can offset the negative energy. Some examples include peace, love, hope, faith, joy, patience, etc.
14. Relive a happy memory: Tap into the power of your memories. In a time of stress, look back and remember a pleasant experience of satisfying moment.
15. Let there be music: The right music can take you from a highly tense state to a relaxed state in a very short time. The right music is generally instrumental rather than vocal. Many people find the sounds of nature combined with musical harmonies to be very relaxing.
16. Don’t bring work problems home: This one is going to be difficult for many, especially in this electronic age. But, do your best. Leave your cares behind at the office. You will feel better, and you will return to work refreshed, energetic, and more creative. A few tips: At the end of the workday sit quietly and consciously make the transition from work to home. When you pull into the driveway, park on the street, or about to leave your home office space, take a minute to orient yourself to being with your family members or to entering your home. Try changing out of your work clothes when you get home. This simple act might help you to make a smoother transition into your next “role.’”
17. Share your stressors with a good friend. Bringing your real self to good connections with its problems and needs can do much to relieve the monkey on your back. Bonding and safe attachment with others who can listen and really hear you can do much to help with peace in your heart,

I created an online course and companion handbook to help Christian Couples LEARN how to be married. Often, Christian couples haven't had an example of a successful marriage. This training will help couples LEARN the basics of a Christian marriage. They can learn in the comfort of their home watching videos together and doing the homework assignments from the companion workbook that is downloadable with the course.

Dr. Trudy has over 18,000 hours experience in the counseling room. Realizing couples need this help because of the costs of marriage counseling and marriage intensive programs, she created this alternative option for couples to receive help for their marriages.

Couples can D-I-Y in the comfort of their homes with the guidance of Dr. Trudy. Dr. Trudy's heart is to help Christian couples start over and be trained about having a Christian marriage.

Hey mama! Feeling like you're stuck on a never-ending hamster wheel of diapers, snacks, and trying to remember the last time you had a full conversation with another adult? Trust me, you’re not alone. Motherhood is one wild ride, and it’s easy to feel lost in the chaos. So, let’s take a breath and dive into something that might just change your day—self-worth affirmations.

Hi there! I’m Kelly, a mom of four and someone who's been through the trenches of motherhood just like you. With a master's degree in counseling and board certification as a behavior analyst, I've spent over 15 years helping moms find their footing and rediscover their joy. I know firsthand how tough it can be to juggle all the demands without losing your identity. But here's the thing: you deserve to feel amazing about yourself, and I'm here to guide you back to that happy place!

The Struggle with Self-Worth

Let’s get real for a second—how often do you put yourself at the bottom of your to-do list? It’s so easy to do when everyone else seems to need you 24/7. Society makes us think we should be perfect at everything: super mom, perfect partner, career woman. It’s exhausting! And somewhere along the way, we forget that we are worthy of love and respect, even if we didn’t tick every box on that never-ending list today.

Why Self-Worth Affirmations Matter

Affirmations are like little love notes you give yourself. They’re reminders of who you are and all that you’re capable of. I remember working with a mom who was barely holding it together. She started using affirmations and slowly, like finding that first cup of coffee in the morning, she began to see herself in a new light. It’s all about changing the script in your head from "I can’t do this" to "I’ve got this."

Top 10 Self-Worth Affirmations for Overwhelmed Moms

1. I am the heart of my family, and I deserve love and care.
You’re the glue that holds everything together, mama. Take a moment to remind yourself of your vital role.

2. I am more than enough, even on the days I feel less than perfect.
Those crumbs on the floor can wait. You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough.

3. My needs are important, and I’m allowed to meet them.
It’s not selfish to take time for yourself. It’s essential.

4.I choose to see the beauty in my daily chaos.
Sure, there’s mess, but there’s also magic in the madness.

5. I trust my instincts and the decisions I make for my family.
You know what’s best for your kids, so trust that gut feeling!

6. I am proud of the mom I am today and the one I am becoming.
Every challenge makes you stronger and more incredible.

7. I deserve moments of peace and quiet.
It’s okay to crave silence and solitude now and then. You’ve earned it.

8. I embrace my journey, including the highs and the lows.
Life isn’t perfect, and neither is motherhood. That’s okay.

9. I am grateful for my resilience and ability to adapt.
You’re stronger than you know and capable of handling anything thrown your way.

10. I am worthy of joy and laughter, even in tough times.
Don’t forget to smile and find joy in little things, even when things get rough.

Creating Your Own Affirmations

Want to make these affirmations truly yours? Here’s how you can create personal ones that hit home:

Reflect on Your Challenges:
What’s bugging you most right now? Turn it around with a positive spin.

Use the Present Tense:
Speak as if it’s already happening. "I am" is powerful!

Keep It Simple:
Short and sweet works best. You’ll remember them easier.

Practical Tips for Using Affirmations

Incorporating affirmations into your day can be as simple as sipping your coffee. Here’s how:

Morning Mantra: Say them while you brush your teeth or make your morning brew.

Sticky Notes Everywhere: Post them on your fridge, bathroom mirror, or even in your car.

Phone Alerts: Set reminders throughout the day with affirmations to keep you going.

Overcoming Common Challenges

If you find yourself rolling your eyes at affirmations, hang in there! Here’s what you can do:

Give It Time: Change doesn’t happen overnight. Stick with it.

Believe in Your Words: Say them with conviction, even if you don’t feel it yet.

Consistency Is Key: Make affirmations a part of your daily routine, like breakfast.

Conclusion

Remember, mama, you are more than just a checklist of chores and tasks. Your worth isn’t tied to how perfectly you manage your household or whether you can bake Pinterest-worthy cupcakes. It’s about the love, strength, and resilience you bring to your family every single day.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and stuck, coaching can be a game-changer. Imagine having someone in your corner who gets it—someone who’s been there and can help you navigate this crazy ride called motherhood. My coaching services are designed to help you reconnect with yourself, build your self-worth, and find joy in the everyday moments. Together, we'll work on practical strategies and personalized affirmations that will empower you to shine bright.

You deserve to feel confident and happy, and I’m here to support you on this journey. Let’s chat about how we can make that happen!

FAQs About Affirmations for Self-Worth

What are self-worth affirmations?
Self-worth affirmations are positive statements that help you remember your value and encourage a positive mindset.

How often should I use affirmations?
Try using them daily, in the morning, and any time you need a confidence boost.

Can affirmations really boost self-esteem?
Absolutely! By reinforcing positive beliefs, affirmations can help shift your mindset over time.

What if I don’t believe in my affirmations?
That’s okay! Start with what feels true to you and gradually work up to more aspirational affirmations.

How can I encourage my mom friends to use affirmations?
Share your journey with them, invite them to try it with you, and celebrate the small wins together.

With Love and a Whole Lot of Imperfection,

Kelly, MA, BCBA, Mom Life Coach

My personal assessment of the Institution of Marriage

My assessment of the institution of marriage is buttressed on the foundation of my Christian faith. As such, my assessment of the institution of marriage is integrated, multidimensional, multilayered and interwoven with my marital philosophy and core values. These nuances are further ingrained within my belief systems and theology. The foregoing elements ultimately shape my biblical worldview of marriage. A biblical worldview is essential for followers of Jesus Christ to effectively live out their Christian faith (Dockery, 2007; Sire, 2009). My biblical worldview of marriage was framed from the construct that marriage is a covenant relationship established with God as opposed to the commonly held secular worldview that marriage is simply a contractual relational agreement entered into by two persons. According to Hill (2015), secularism is “a state of affairs and a state of mind in which the realities of life are considered to be without spiritual significance” (p. 311).

Theologically, the doctrines of Creation and the Trinity (Genesis 1:26- 30), the Fall of Humanity (Genesis 3:5-7), the Redemption of Humankind through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ (Hebrews 9:15; Titus 2: 14; Revelation 1:5-6), the establishment of a New Heaven and Earth (Isaiah 65:17; Isaiah 66:22; Revelation 21:1) are foundational to my personal assessment of the institution of marriage. In addition, my biblical worldview supports the biblical view that the family was indeed the first institution created by God when He took one of Adam’s ribs and made Eve is wife (Genesis 2:21-23). I believe that a husband first responsibility is to his wife, “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh” (Genesis 2:24, King James Version) and a wife’s first responsibility is to her husband: “but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him” (Genesis 2:20b). My biblical worldview of marriage is not contingent of macroenvironmental factors such as: (a) secular legislative adaptations, (b) widely held secular view that cohabitation is a viable alternative to marriage for economic reasons or (c) cultural compromises that require Christians to “blend in” with contemporary culture.

What threats or risks do marriages face today that may undermine the stability of the relationship or increase stress for a couple?

Contemporary marriages face a plethora of stressors and risks that daily threaten the stability of marital relationships. I posit that threats or risks associated with marriages can be either (a) internal to the marital relationship and as such are contingent on how individual parties function within the marriage or (b) external to the marriage when, in many instances, the factors are not created by the couple. As it relates to individualistic marital influences, I posit that the character and virtues held by both husband and wife are pivotal to marital health and positive outcomes.

According to Goddard, Olson, Galovan, Schramm, and Marshall (2016), “Marital virtues and character strengths suggest that personal characteristics such as generosity, gratitude, positivity, forgiveness, and other-centeredness are related to positive relationship outcomes” (p. 425). When husbands and wives display such virtues, it is believed that the “self” becomes decentered and paves the way to more effectively overcome inherent attribution biases, achieved compromise in better understanding each other’s points of view to arrive at common ground (Goodard et al., 2016). Goodard et al., (2016)’s study, which focused on examining 1,513 respondents in three states and their effects of humility, positivity and compassion, revealed that “spousal reports of humility and compassion were positively associated with self-reported marital satisfaction among both husbands and wives” (p.433).

In other words, one can reasonably conclude that some level of emphasis should be given to character development and formation during premarital and remarital counseling.
In another study conducted by Ledermann, Bodenmann, Rudaz, and Bradbury (2010), 345 couples were examined using the Action Partner Interdependence and Common Fate Model. The authors hypothesized that “relationship stress mediates the association between external stress and marital functioning at the individual level, and that the association between relationship stress and marital quality is partially mediated by communication at the dyadic level” (p. 195). A key finding of the study was that both husbands and wives’ marital communication in conflict and wives’ marital quality “seem to be affected to the same degree by one’s own relationship stress and the partner’s relationship stress”(p.203). Based on this key finding, one could make a strong argument that counselors and marital therapist should devote some critical attention to: (a) psychoeducation during premarital and remarital counseling and (b) developing strategic therapeutic intervention approaches to help married couples cope with individual stress as well as external stressors. The findings of this study also may a good argument to support the view that interpersonal communication skill development could potentially be a pivotal factor aimed at improving marital satisfaction outcomes.

Within the culture?

Between 1980 and 2008 statistical data indicate that multicultural marriages are significantly on the rise. Given this reality, traditional approaches to premarital and remarital counseling may not be the most optimum therapeutic approach to achieve optimal couple satisfaction (Qian & Lichter, 2011). Arguably, one of the greatest influences on contemporary life shaping worldviews is the postmodern culture in which we live. Bond (2014), a social psychologist by profession, renders an in-depth description of a construct premise first elucidated by Cole (1996) referred to as “cultural-inclusive psychology” (p. 7). Bond (2014) provides the following comprehensive definition of this all-embracing cultural concept here:

I think of culture on both its senses – the repository of humankind’s fascinating output of cuisine, music, art, architecture, literature, philosophy and science on the life that teems around us, but also in the more esoteric sense of the residue from this legacy in the life-as-lived by each of us – our beliefs, our values, our worldviews, our talents, our vocations ad our relationships, their style and content, that structure of living from the cradle to the grave. (p. 27).

In other words, several of today’s marriages are exposed to the fault lines created by today’s postmodern culture. As such, if they are not built on a solid foundation, they become extremely susceptible to suffering from the devastating effects caused from marital earthquakes. The influences of postmodern culture of today’s society including the church are staggering. Rosenbaum and Weathersbee (2013), in a study conducted among 151 newly married couples at nine Texas Southern Baptist churches, reported that, “More than 70% of the respondents reported having had premarital vaginal or oral sex, but more than 80% regretted premarital sex” (p. 263). I would argue that similar statistics may also be unveiled if other denominations were investigated, thus illustrating the intensive impact that postmodernism is having on the Church in general, and more specifically, on the institution of marriage.

Through legislative or other initiatives?

Perhaps the most important legislative impact that has impacted both marriages and the Church is same-sex marriages. Again, postmodernism has played, and continues to play, a significant role in the significant rise in public support for what is termed marriage equality. This nomenclature which was birthed in the Western hemisphere and has since expanded at the global level. According to Kirby, Mckenzie-green, Mcara-couper, & Nayar (2017) a growing sub-section of the Church has been advocating support for same-sex marriages. Kirby et al., (2017) point out another pivotal initiative emanating from the therapeutic field:

Originally listed as a “sociopathic personality disturbance,” homosexuality was “upgraded” to a mere “sexual deviation” in 1968, and finally in 1973 delisted altogether from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-II) of the American Psychiatric Association; a decision followed by the American Psychoanalytic Association in 1975. (p.907).Given the pivotal therapeutic postures adopted by some segments of the Church coupled with those elucidated by leading and respected mental health authorities in the United States, it is not difficult to comprehend why the battle against same-sex marriages remains as fierce as it is.

From economic pressures?

The are several factors that impinge economic pressures associated with couples considering marriage. Arguably one of the most common factors that arise for couples contemplating marriage is that of cohabitation. As it relates to cohabitation the question therefore arises, should Christians decisions be influenced by the culture in which we live to justify cohabitation, or should the Word of God take precedence? Should consideration be given where extenuating circumstances arise? According to Hohmann-Marriott (2006), “Cohabiting couples and couples who cohabit prior to marriage have less stable relationships than married couples who did not cohabit, and these differences may be linked to processes within the relationships” (p. 1015). In addition, nontraditional beliefs held by cohabiting partners appear to make the less committed and more susceptible to divorce should they eventually decide to get married (Hohmann-Marriott, 2006).

I happen to know of a situation with a godly couple who were engaged when the husband moved from Canada to Florida to take up a youth pastor’s position at his mentor’s church. He did not have the financial resources at the time to buy a home for his family. Based on the Senior pastor’s knowledge of his youth pastor’s character he allowed his youth pastor and his fiancée to live with them for a short time before they got married and the shortly after purchased their own home. In my view, these were extenuating circumstances and a judgement call was made based of knowing both individuals’ characters. I posit that while this is not a situation that would normally be encouraged, it had economic implications and required much payer before making a decision based on the character of the individuals involved. Of course, the couple were not allowed to sleep together while making the life transition. Was there sin involved because of temporarily living under his mentor roof? In my view, steps were taken to avoid obvious temptation and sin. Based on the character of the Senior Pastor, whom I personally know to be a very godly man, I feel he made a decision based on the character of someone he has known for several years and knew that trusted him to not violate God’s standard of holiness.

What resources and/or support systems are available to couples today? And what role, if any, should the Church play?

In my view, the Church has a pivotal role to play as a major support system to couples considering both first time marriages as well as remarriage. I posit that pastoral counselors, Christian counselors, professional counselors and licensed marriage and family therapists also should be used as resource mechanisms to assist in bringing stability, transformation and restoration to marriages. I hasten to add that this issue is not a simplistic as it may appear on the surface. Roskit, Griffith and Cruz (2007) posit that religious conservative communities may be the only identifiable group still advocating coherent beliefs regarding the same-sex marriage agenda. In other words, the evidence strongly supports a continued rising tide that favors the same-sex marriage agenda. In my view, there is also a major role that can be played by the nuclear family as a support system. Specifically, behavior modification, as a therapeutic intervention, I posit could be synergistic. According to Besharat (2003) behavioral therapists focus more directly on behavioral alterations primarily in couples that are moderately distressed. Arguably one of today’s most used therapeutic intervention modalities is Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). Systems therapists, on the other hand, would perceive the marital dyad as a system or sub-system of the larger family system. As such, the systems approach lends a sense of homeostatic underpinning (Besharat, 2003). Lastly, in my view, the church leaders need to conceptualize initiatives that promote unity on this life-changing issue by becoming much more vociferous on every conceivable front. I contend that such advocacy is urgently needed to oppose the ungodly initiatives unleashed in our postmodern culture and to defend traditional marriage as created and instituted by God.

References

Besharat, M. A. (2003). What are the main difference between behavioral and systems therapy with couples? A critical account. Journal of Contemporary Psychology, 33(2), 109-127. Retrieved from htpps://doi.org/0022-11603/0600-0109/0

Bond, M. H. (2014). How I am constructing culture-inclusive theories of social-psychological process in our age of globalization. Journal for the Theory of Social Behavior, 45(1), 26-36. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/jtsb.12053

Cole, M. (1996). Cultural psychology: A once and future discipline. Harvard University Press.

Dockery, D. S. (2007). Renewing minds: Serving church and society through Christian higher education. Nashville, TN: B & H Academic

Goddard, H. W., Olson, J. R., Galovan, A. M., Schramm, D. G. & Marshall, J. P. (2016). Qualities of character that predict marital well-being. Family Relations, 65(3), 424-438. Retrieved from https://doi:10.1111/fare.12195

Hill, J. L. (2015). Secularization: A New Testament Perspective. Evangelical Review of Theology, 39(4), 311-323. Retrieved from Ebsco.

Hohmann-Marriott, B. E. (2006). Shared beliefs and union stability of married and cohabiting couples. Journal of Marriage and Family, 68(4), 1015-1028. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2006.00310.x

Kirby, A., Mckenzie-green, B., Mcara-couper, J., & Nayar, S. (2017). Same-sex marriage: A dilemma for parish clergy. Sexuality & Culture, 21(3), 901-918. Retrieved from https://doi:10.1007/s12119-017-9414-1

Ledermann, T., Bodenmann, G., Rudaz, M., & Bradbury, T. N. (2010). Stress, communication, and marital quality in couples. Family Relations, 59(2), 195-206. Retrieved from htpps://doi:10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00595.x

Lorber, M. F. (2004). Psychophysiology of Aggression, Psychopathy, and Conduct Problems: A Meta-Analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 130(4):531-52. Retrieved from https://doi: 10.1037/0033-2909.130.4.531

Qian, Z., & Lichter, D. T. (2011). Changing patterns in interracial marriage in a multicultural society. Journal of Family and Marriage, 73(5), 1065-1084. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2011.00866.x

Rosenbaum, J. E. & Weathersbee, B. (2013). True love waits: Do Southern Baptist? Premarital sexual behavior among newly married Southern Baptist school students. Journal of Religion and Health; New York, 52(1), 263-275. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1007/s10943-010-9445-5

Roskit, C., Griffith, L., & Cruz, Z. (2007). Homophobia and conservative religion: Towards a more nuanced understanding. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 77(1), 10-19. Retrieved from https://doi.10/1037/0002-9432.77.1.10.

Sire, J. W. (2009). The universe next door: A Basic worldview catalog (4th ed.). Downers Grove, IL: IVP Academic.

Imagine this: You’re trying to finish an important work email, your toddler is tugging at your leg demanding a snack, the laundry is piling up, and you just realized you forgot to defrost tonight’s dinner. Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head, you might be experiencing what many of us know as mom burnout.

Hi there! I’m Kelly, a mom of four amazing (and let’s be honest, sometimes exhausting) kids, with a master’s degree in counseling and over 15 years of experience working with wonderful moms like you. I’ve been in the trenches, juggling school drop-offs, work deadlines, and everything in between. That’s why I’m passionate about helping other moms recognize and overcome the symptoms of burnout.

In this blog post, we’re going to dive into the 10 clear signs of mom burnout and practical ways to tackle them. Because let’s face it – you deserve to feel happy, healthy, and fulfilled. So, grab a cup of coffee (or tea), find a cozy spot, and let’s get started!

Understanding Mom Burnout: What It Is and Why It Matters

Mom burnout is more than just feeling tired—it's a state of physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion caused by the relentless demands of motherhood. Whether you're a stay-at-home mom, working mom, or somewhere in between, the pressures of juggling family responsibilities, work, and personal needs can take a significant toll. Understanding what mom burnout is and recognizing its symptoms are crucial steps toward reclaiming your well-being.

When left unaddressed, burnout can impact not only your health but also your relationships and overall quality of life. By identifying the signs early and implementing strategies to manage stress, you can break free from the burnout cycle and find a healthier, more balanced approach to motherhood.

Top Indicators of Mom Burnout: Recognize These 10 Key Signs

1. Constant Fatigue
Feeling exhausted all the time, even after a full night's sleep? This isn’t just about being tired—it's a sign your body is overworked and your mind is overwhelmed. When you’re constantly on the go with little time to rest, fatigue can creep in and become a constant companion.

Quick Tip: Try setting a consistent bedtime, sneak in short naps when possible, and don’t hesitate to ask for help to lighten your load. (P.S. please do not feel guilt for taking naps…it took me YEARS to ‘allow’ myself to do this and that is such a waste of self-love).

2. Irritability and Mood Swings
Finding yourself snapping at your kids or partner over minor things? Mood swings and irritability are common signs of burnout. The stress and lack of downtime can make you feel like you’re on edge, leading to emotional outbursts.

Quick Tip: Practice mindfulness or deep-breathing exercises to help manage your emotions. Even a few minutes a day can make a significant difference.

3. Feeling Overwhelmed
Does your to-do list feel never-ending? Feeling overwhelmed is a major indicator of burnout. When every task seems monumental and you’re struggling to keep up, it’s a clear sign that you’re stretched too thin.

Quick Tip: Ever heard of brain dumping? It has been a LIFE SAVER for me. Break tasks into smaller, more manageable steps. Prioritize what truly needs to be done and don't be afraid to delegate or let go of less critical tasks.

4. Lack of Interest in Activities
Remember those hobbies and activities you used to love? If they no longer bring you joy or you can’t find the motivation to engage in them, this could be a sign of burnout. Losing interest in things that once made you happy is your mind's way of signaling that it’s overwhelmed.

Quick Tip: Schedule time for yourself, even if it’s just 10 minutes a day. Rediscover old hobbies or explore new ones that make you feel good.

5. Physical Symptoms
Burnout doesn’t just affect your mind—it takes a toll on your body too. Common physical symptoms include headaches, muscle tension, and frequent illnesses. Your body is trying to tell you that it needs a break.

Quick Tip: Incorporate regular exercise into your routine, maintain a balanced diet, and ensure you’re staying hydrated. Simple self-care practices can significantly improve how you feel physically.

6. Difficulty Concentrating
Struggling to focus on tasks or forgetting important details more often than usual? Difficulty concentrating is a hallmark sign of burnout. When your brain is overloaded with stress, it becomes harder to focus and retain information.

Quick Tip: Take regular breaks to give your mind a rest, practice brain exercises like puzzles or reading, and reduce multitasking to improve focus.

7. Feeling Numb or Detatched
Do you feel emotionally numb or disconnected from your loved ones? Burnout can cause you to shut down emotionally as a coping mechanism, making it hard to connect with your feelings and those around you.

Quick Tip: Engage in activities that foster emotional connection, such as meaningful conversations with loved ones, practicing gratitude journaling, or seeking professional help if needed.

8. Increased Cynicism or Resentment
Have you noticed a growing sense of cynicism or resentment towards your parenting role or family responsibilities? Feeling negative or bitter about your daily tasks is a strong indicator of burnout.

Quick Tip: Focus on the positive aspects of your life (this will take a lot of practice and consistency), set realistic expectations for yourself, and consider joining a supportive community or mom group to share experiences and find encouragement.

9. Decreased Performance
Are you finding it harder to complete tasks or feeling less productive than usual? Burnout can significantly impact your efficiency and performance, making it difficult to keep up with daily responsibilities.

Quick Tip: Set achievable goals, establish a consistent routine, and celebrate small victories to boost your sense of accomplishment and motivation.

10. Isolation
Do you find yourself withdrawing from social interactions and feeling isolated? Burnout often leads to social withdrawal as you try to conserve energy and cope with overwhelming stress.

Quick Tip: Make an effort to reach out to friends, join mom groups or online communities, and schedule regular social activities to stay connected and supported.

Navigating Burnout in Moms: What’s Next??

Did you check off most, if not all, of the signs of burnout? Take a deep breath, Mama. Feeling overwhelmed is more common than you think. You’re in good company—we’ve all been there. Now, let’s talk solutions!

1. Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed. Many moms experience burnout, and it’s okay to admit it. Take a deep breath and recognize that your feelings are valid.

2. Prioritize Self-Care
Remember the oxygen mask analogy on airplanes? You need to take care of yourself first before helping others. Prioritize self-care—whether it’s a quiet cup of tea, a walk, or a few minutes of meditation. You deserve it.

3. Seek Support
Reach out to fellow moms, friends, or family members. Share your feelings and ask for help. Sometimes, just talking to someone who understands can make a world of difference.

4. Embrace Imperfection
You don’t have to be a supermom. It’s okay if the laundry piles up or if you order takeout for dinner. Embrace imperfection—it’s part of being human.

5. Consider Professional Guidance
As a mom life coach, I’m here for you. Let’s work together to create a personalized plan. Whether it’s setting boundaries, rediscovering your passions, or finding joy in small moments, coaching can make a difference.

Conclusion: Mom Burnout Solutions and Reclaiming JOY

Mama, if you’ve nodded along to most of these signs, you’re not alone. Burnout isn’t a badge of honor—it’s a wake-up call. So, what’s the key takeaway?

Acknowledge It: Constant fatigue, irritability, and feeling overwhelmed? Recognize these signs as your body’s SOS.

Self-Care Matters: Prioritize yourself guilt-free. Set bedtime routines, sneak in naps, and ask for help. Remember, self-love isn’t selfish.

Brain Dump Your Tasks: That never-ending to-do list? Break it down. Prioritize. Delegate. Let go of non-essentials.

Rediscover Joy: Hobbies collecting dust? Revisit them. Even 10 minutes a day can reignite your spark.

Listen to Your Body: Headaches, muscle tension, and frequent illnesses? Your body’s pleading for a break.

Focus, Mama: Difficulty concentrating? Take breaks, solve puzzles, and declutter your mind.

Connect Emotionally: Feeling numb? Engage in meaningful conversations. Journal. Seek professional help.

Flip the Script: Cynicism and resentment? Shift focus. Find the silver linings. Join a supportive community.

Prioritize Well-Being: Decreased performance? It’s okay. Prioritize well-being over perfection.

Remember, you’re not just a mom—you’re a whole universe of strength and love. Reach out, seek support, and consider professional guidance. You’ve got this….and I am here with you!!

With Love and a Whole Lot of Imperfection,
Kelly

If you have ever experienced any of the following, you have had a career crisis:
• Losing your job
• Being fired
• Burning out
• Not wanting to do your job for one more day
• Redefined job or seismic shift in career. (Staff quits/Kids go away to college)

A career crisis can be caused either by someone else (being laid off) or by your own feelings (burning out).

Common Causes of Career Crises
There are many reasons why people experience career crises. Here are a few:
• Corporate downsizing
• Burnout
• Relocating for your spouse’s career
• Being fired
• Making the wrong career move
• Corporate politics
• Not fitting in
• Lost calling

Why a Career Crisis Is So Devastating
A career crisis is almost always devastating because it can impact your life in so many ways. Here are a few examples:
1. Money: Losing your income with no warning can be financially devastating.
2. Status: If your job gives you status or a professional identity, you may feel devastated without it.
3. Surprise: If the job loss happens without warning, you will probably feel shocked.
4. Self-esteem: You may feel embarrassed by what has happened.
5. Feeling alone: You are likely to lose friends and companions when you no longer work in the same place.
6. Feeling out of synch: Your regular routine may be disrupted.
7. Confusion: If the crisis happens because of burnout or for reasons inside yourself, you may feel confused about what to do next.
8. Effect on others: If people around you depend on your income and need you to be predictable, they may react negatively to your crisis.

9. Loss of Identity: Many times a career will help define who you are as a person especially if you see it as a calling. “ 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.” – Ecclesiastes 3:12 – 13. The loss can create a lack of interest, satisfaction and enjoyment in life.

Career Crisis: Who It Hurts the Most
A career crisis hurts you because it is devastating to your ego. The hurt tends to be greater when one gets a sense of identity and self-esteem from his or her job title, status, and income.
A crisis hurts your family because they must experience the emotional fallout that follows a crisis. Your family may also experience a feeling of lost self-esteem and status, especially if you were fired or laid off.

The Flashback Effect
A major loss like this sometimes can cause you to reach back into the past and reactivate unfinished business from a major loss, or a crisis from an earlier time.
For example, when Sharon was terminated after seven months at her dream job, she became very depressed. While depression is a normal reaction to such a loss, Sharon was reacting to losing her job and the similar feelings she had when she flunked out of a top university 12 years earlier. When she finally saw a therapist after a few weeks of depression following the job loss, she saw that she had never fully resolved her feelings about failing in college.

Here are some other points about recovery:
1. The process of recovering from a career crisis will happen on its own schedule. It can’t be rushed.
2. Every person responds to a career crisis differently. There is no right way to respond or to deal with it.
3. Depending on the circumstances, processing a career crisis can take years.
4. Build and use a support system. People need other people when they are experiencing such a crisis. A group of people who have experienced similar losses is especially helpful.
5. It is a good idea to find support outside of your family and friends. Even the most supportive may grow tired of hearing about your situation, or you may find yourself censoring your behavior to avoid alienating them. However, you still need help and a place to let your feelings out.
How to Help Someone in a Career Crisis
Here are a few ideas for being helpful to people going through career crises:

1. People need support when they are having a career crisis, even though they may seem to push you away.
2. Ask how you can help.
3. Don’t give advice unless asked. Listen, listen, and listen some more!
4. Check in regularly with the crisis victim; let him or her know you’re there.
5. Remind the crisis victim of what a good person he or she is, even without the identity and status that the job provided.
6. Sometimes a career crisis sends a person into a serious depression for which help is needed. If you sense danger, urge the crisis victim to seek help.

How to Turn a Crisis into a Victory

Here are some suggestions for turning a career crisis into a victory:

1. Give yourself time to heal. If recovery is rushed or interrupted, the crisis victim will not fully heal and a victory is not possible.
2. Remind yourself as often as necessary that your pain will end and you will eventually feel happy again.
3. Avoid jumping into something new on the rebound; let yourself experience all the stages of grief.
4. Accept that many people will not understand the depth of your grief. They will not understand why this is so difficult for you, and they will say stupid things.
5. Use the opportunity to stop and consider other options.
6. Explore what meaning your feelings have for you. If we pay attention to them, our feelings can lead us places we would otherwise never visit.
7. Keep a journal of your experiences. Make it your intention to see what there is to be learned from this experience.
8. A loss such as a career crisis can be viewed as both a door-closer and a door-opener. Start thinking about what you are learning and gaining from this experience.
9. Create a ceremony of letting go. Yours will be as unique as your experience.
10. Despite some people's misunderstanding do find people that are safe to share with where you can talk about your feelings and beliefs.

The Career Crisis Recovery Exercise
Write out your answers to the following questions. This self-help exercise can help you process your feelings about what has happened to you.
1. Describe what happened when your career crisis happened.
2. Describe the job or career. Where did you work? What was it like? Who did you work with? What do you miss the most? What do you not miss at all?
3. Describe your feelings about the loss of the job or career to others.
4. What has the impact of this crisis been on your life? What else have you lost because of your career crisis?
5. What barriers stop you from moving on?
6. What are 10 things you can do starting today to continue the recovery process?

Please pass this newsletter along to a friend.

Suggested Reading

Cloud, Henry, Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward Harper Business, 2011

William Bridges, Job Shift: How To Prosper In A Workplace Without Jobs. Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley, 1994.

Barry Glassner, Career Crash: The New Crisis—and Who Survives. New York: Simon and Schuster, 1994.

Ayala Pines and Elliot Aronson, Career Burnout: Causes and Cures. New York: The Free Press, 1988.

Las relaciones románticas son uno de los aspectos más cautivadores de la experiencia humana, mezclando alegría, inspiración y desafíos. Basado en casi dos décadas de experiencia como terapeuta, este libro ofrece profundos conocimientos y una guía práctica para ayudar a las personas a mejorar sus relaciones consigo mismas y con los demás. Se enfoca en superar las luchas con el amor propio, a menudo enraizadas en traumas o sentimientos de indignidad, y proporciona herramientas para construir conexiones más fuertes y satisfactorias.

En La increíble influencia de los pensamientos y emociones positivas: Un manual para cultivar vínculos románticos más fuertes, descubrirás cómo cultivar la confianza, la positividad y la intimidad en tus relaciones románticas.

Este libro ofrece herramientas y estrategias prácticas para situaciones de la vida real, ayudándote a crear conexiones duraderas con tu pareja. Ya sea que estés soltero, comenzando un nuevo romance, navegando una relación a largo plazo, o reavivando una conexión existente, la sabiduría dentro de estas páginas te guiará. Este libro explora el impacto duradero del optimismo, la inteligencia emocional y la autocompasión, recordándonos que podemos moldear nuestras historias de amor a través de nuestros pensamientos y emociones. Aprenderás a fortalecer las bases de tus relaciones, trayendo vitalidad y alegría a tu viaje de amor. Se enfatiza el autodescubrimiento como un componente vital para crear vínculos románticos más fuertes, fomentando una comprensión más profunda y el cultivo de nuestras conexiones más profundas.

Aborda este viaje con un corazón abierto y una mente curiosa, y permite que estos conocimientos te empoderen para crear historias de amor florecientes en medio de las complejidades de la vida. Abraza el impacto profundo de los pensamientos y emociones positivas en la construcción de relaciones románticas sólidas y satisfactorias.

amazon.com/author/dr.remy.nelson 
https://youtu.be/PK5AgXUVFnA

Romantic relationships are among the most captivating aspects of the human experience, blending joy, inspiration, and challenges. Drawing on nearly two decades of experience as a therapist, Dr. Remy Nelson offers profound insights and practical guidance in this book to help individuals improve their relationships with themselves and others. It focuses on overcoming struggles with self-love, often rooted in trauma or feelings of unworthiness, and provides tools to build stronger, more fulfilling connections.
In The Incredible Influence of Positive Thoughts and Emotions: A Handbook for Cultivating Stronger Romantic Bonds, you will discover how to cultivate trust, positivity, and intimacy in your romantic relationships. This book offers practical tools and strategies for real-life situations, helping you create lasting connections with your partner. Whether you are single, beginning a new romance, navigating a long-term partnership, or rekindling an existing connection, the wisdom within these pages will guide you.
This book explores the lasting impact of optimism, emotional intelligence, and self-compassion, reminding us that we can shape our love stories through our thoughts and emotions. You will learn to strengthen the foundations of your relationships, bringing vitality and joy to your journey of love. Self-discovery is vital in creating stronger romantic bonds, fostering a deeper understanding, and nurturing our most profound connections.
Approach this journey with an open heart and a curious mind, and let these insights empower you to create thriving love stories amidst life's complexities. Embrace the profound impact of positive thoughts and emotions on building solid and fulfilling romantic relationships.

amazon.com/author/dr.remy.nelson

In the Christian faith, parents are often seen as stewards of their children, tasked with fostering a loving, nurturing, and supportive environment for their offspring to grow and flourish. But what happens when a parent’s actions are driven by narcissism? A narcissistic parent, characterized by a grandiose sense of self-importance and a profound lack of empathy, can cast long shadows on the family unit and the spiritual well-being of their children.

Emotional Turmoil

Children of narcissistic parents may grapple with emotional turmoil. Due to their parents' need for admiration and a lack of respect for boundaries, these children often feel under constant scrutiny, overshadowed by their parent's imposing egos. Their mercurial temper can create a household atmosphere that lacks the stability and peace championed in Philippians 4:7. Children, striving for the elusive approval of a narcissistic parent, may end up feeling unworthy and question their value, a feeling contrary to the Christian teaching that every individual is uniquely created in the image of God (Genesis 1:27).

Impaired Sense of Self and Identity

In navigating the turbulent waters of growing up with a narcissistic parent, children might struggle to develop a healthy sense of self and identity. The parent’s manipulation can lead children to doubt their own experiences and perceptions, hampering their ability to trust themselves and others – a trait that can lead them astray from the authentic relationships to which Christ calls us (Ephesians 4:15).

Challenges in Forming Relationships

Intimacy and trust are at the core of any meaningful relationship, virtues constantly encouraged in the Bible (1 John 4:7). However, the offspring of narcissistic parents might find these to be foreign territories. A child raised in the shadow of narcissism might become either excessively pleasers, seeking validation in all the wrong places, or conversely, they might become withdrawn, fearing the vulnerability that comes with close relationships.

Spiritual Struggles

Spiritual life can also become a battleground for those with narcissistic parents. The parent’s self-centered behavior may distort the child's perspective of God as a loving and sacrificial Father, as portrayed in scriptures like 1 John 3:1. Moreover, the parent’s disregard for empathy and humility can be at odds with the fruits of the Spirit outlined in Galatians 5:22-23.

Consequences of Conditional Love

Narcissistic parents often express 'conditional love' – affection based on the child’s ability to meet the parent's expectations. This transactional nature of love is discordant with the principles of unconditional love woven throughout the Christian narrative (Romans 5:8). As a result, children might grow to view God’s love through the same skewed lens, imagining it must be earned rather than freely given.

Path to Healing and Recovery

While the effects of having a narcissistic parent are profound, the Christian community provides many avenues for healing and restoration. The church can serve as a sanctuary, a place of unconditional love and acceptance. Engaging with a spiritual family allows for the experience of genuine relationships, fostering recovery and growth. Scripture and prayer can offer immense comfort and guidance; for instance, Psalm 34:18 proclaims that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted.

Christian counseling can be a powerful tool for healing, providing a safe space to untangle the knots of one’s upbringing with a professional who understands the religious context of the individual's struggles. Support groups within the church community can also offer a collective shoulder to lean on – individuals who can empathize and share in the journey toward healing.

Conclusion

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can cast long shadows through a person's life, impeding their emotional, relational, and spiritual development. However, amidst these challenges, the Christian community stands as a beacon of hope, offering tools for healing and the assurance of God's unwavering love. Through faith, prayer, and the support of the church, individuals can overcome the shackles of their past and step into the light of a life defined not by their parent's narcissism, but by their own relationship with God.

In the Scriptures, boundaries are often mentioned directly or indirectly, reflecting God’s design for order, protection, and relationships. They are inherent in the tenets of our faith—seen in the love and respect we are called to show each other and in the discipline we are to exercise in our personal lives. Yet, in our desire to live like Christ—who was giving, compassionate, and loving—we might find ourselves overstepping or completely ignoring our boundaries. Recognizing when to enforce these boundaries is crucial for our spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being.

1. You Feel Constantly Drained

One clear sign that your boundaries need reinforcement is when you consistently feel exhausted. God calls us to serve others with joy, but He also emphasizes the importance of rest (Mark 6:31). If serving others or fulfilling roles in your community leaves you feeling drained of energy and peace, it might be time to reassess your commitments. Remember, even Jesus took time away from the crowds to pray and rest. It’s not selfish to take care of your well-being; it’s necessary to serve effectively.

2. Resentment is Building Up

Feeling resentful towards others can signal that your boundaries are not being respected. This often occurs when we say yes to tasks or roles out of obligation rather than genuine desire or calling. Colossians 3:23 encourages us to do everything heartily, as for the Lord and not for men. If resentment is overshadowing your ability to serve with love, it may be time to set or enforce boundaries.

3. Your Relationships Are Suffering

When boundaries are lacking, relationships can become strained or dysfunctional. This is evident when interactions are dominated by guilt, manipulation, or co-dependence, deviating from the Biblical model of relationships rooted in mutual respect and love (Ephesians 4:2-3). Healthy boundaries enable us to interact with kindness, respect, and genuine affection, reflecting God’s love more accurately to those around us.

4. You're Neglecting Your Relationship with God

Your relationship with God should be your utmost priority. If you find that your commitments are eating into the time and energy you have for prayer, meditation on the Word, and other spiritual disciplines, it’s a strong indicator that your boundaries need revisiting. Matthew 6:33 reminds us to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness. Ensuring our spiritual well-being enables us to be better vessels for His work.

5. You Struggle to Hear God’s Voice

Similar to the previous point, an overfilled life can drown out the still, small voice of God. When we’re stretched too thin, our spiritual sensitivity can diminish, making it harder to discern God’s direction and leading. Setting boundaries gives us the space to quiet down, listen, and be led by the Spirit (Romans 8:14).

6. Your Physical Health is Affected

The Bible acknowledges our bodies as temples of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). If the demands of serving others or fulfilling duties compromise your physical health, it indicates that boundaries are needed. God does not call us to sacrifice our health for ministry or service but to steward it wisely as part of our worship of Him.

Enforcing Healthy Boundaries: A Step Forward in Faith

Acknowledging the need for and setting boundaries may be challenging, especially if you’re accustomed to saying yes or prioritizing the needs of others above your well-being. However, enforcing boundaries is not just about saying no; it’s about making room for God’s best in your life and aligning yourself with His design and purpose for you.

Start with Prayer

Begin by seeking God’s wisdom and guidance through prayer. Ask Him to show you where boundaries are needed and the strength to implement them.

Seek Wise Counsel

Consulting with a pastor, a mentor, or a trusted friend can provide you with perspective and support as you navigate the process of establishing boundaries.

Communicate Clearly and Lovingly

When setting boundaries, communicate them, directly, and with love. Remember, setting boundaries is not about pushing others away but inviting them into a healthier and more God-honoring interaction.

Be Prepared for Resistance

Change can be hard, and not everyone will understand or respect your need for boundaries immediately. Stand firm, and remember that obedience to God’s leading is your priority.

Conclusion

Enforcing boundaries is an act of obedience and wisdom. It protects what God has entrusted to you—your time, your health, your relationships, and most importantly, your relationship with Him. By recognizing the signs that boundaries are needed and taking steps to implement them, you open up space for peace, fruitfulness, and a deeper walk with Christ. Remember, boundaries are not just barriers but the framework within which a healthy, vibrant, and God-honoring life can flourish.

In our quest for personal growth and well-being, one of the most significant battles can be with the very thoughts that fill our minds. Negative thought patterns can be incredibly destructive, perpetuating cycles of anxiety, depression, and limiting self-beliefs. However, breaking free from these patterns is within reach if you have the right strategies. Let’s explore practical ways to interrupt negative thoughts and foster a more positive, resilient mindset.

1. Awareness and Identification

The first step in changing any behavior, including thinking, is to become aware of it. Often, negative thoughts are automatic and habitual, making it challenging to recognize them as they occur. Start by actively monitoring your thoughts throughout the day. When you catch yourself spiraling into negativity, pause and note the thought. Labeling thoughts as "negative" or writing them down can distance you emotionally and help you analyze them objectively.

2. Challenge and Replace

Once you've identified a negative thought, challenge its validity. Ask yourself questions like, "Is this thought based on facts or assumptions?" and "What evidence do I have to support or refute this thought?" This process is known as cognitive restructuring and is a core aspect of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). After challenging the negative thought, replace it with a more realistic and positive one. For instance, change "I’ll never be good at this" to "I can improve with practice and learning."

3. Mindfulness and Meditation

Mindfulness meditation is a powerful tool in dealing with negative thoughts. It teaches you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment and lets them pass without getting entangled in them. Regular practice can help you gain control over your thought processes and keep you rooted in the present moment, reducing the incidence of ruminative thoughts about the past or worries about the future.

4. Setting the Tone with Affirmations

Positive affirmations can reinforce self-belief and counteract the harm caused by negative thoughts. These are positive, empowering statements that, when repeated regularly, can help to change the narrative you have about yourself and your abilities. For example, an affirmation like "I am capable and strong, and I tackle challenges with courage," can be a powerful antidote to negative self-talk.

5. Gratitude Journaling

One way to shift focus from negative to positive is by maintaining a gratitude journal. Daily jotting down things you are grateful for can significantly boost your mood and perspective. This practice encourages you to notice and appreciate the smaller joys and victories, often overshadowed by pervasive negative thoughts.

6. Physical Activity

Exercise is not only good for the body but also for the mind. Physical activity releases endorphins, chemicals in your brain that act as natural painkillers and mood elevators. Regular exercise can help reduce anxiety and improve self-image, making it easier to combat negative thoughts.

7. Connect with Others

Isolation can deepen negative thought patterns, while sharing your feelings with others can provide a new perspective. Whether it’s talking with friends, family, or a professional therapist, being connected helps you feel supported and less alone in your struggles. Sometimes, merely verbalizing your thoughts can help diminish their power.

8. Practice Self-Compassion

Finally, be gentle with yourself. Everyone experiences negative thoughts at one time or another. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you’d offer a good friend. When you miss the mark, remind yourself that perfection is not the goal—growth is.

Conclusion

Transforming negative thought patterns into positive ones requires consistent practice and patience. By becoming more mindful of your thought patterns, actively challenging them, staying physically and socially active, and practicing gratitude and affirmations, you can cultivate a healthier, more optimistic mindset. Remember, the goal is progress, not perfection. With each small step, you're paving the way to a more empowered and positive self.

So what is it that makes a person powerful? Affluence? Intelligence? Chiseled physique? We sure would love to possess any or all of the above! However, on the granular level it all boils down to the power of choice. We can choose a path paved in education, seeking out arenas to be influential over others or pounding it out at the gym. We possess free will to pursue our goals and dreams.

Once an individual realizes that the power to choose is in their midst, it could change their life for good as they begin see things in this new light. They recognize the ownership aspect of all they do and say now with the ball in their court. There is nothing mystic about this concept nor is it unattainable for even the most seemingly powerless individual. It is just a skill set.  Equate this with the idea that if I actually go to the gym and actually work out, I will get stronger. Keep in mind that repetition and mindfulness are key ingredients in the mix.

A powerful person says, “I choose to be responsible for myself and  I will be responsible in relationship with others, requiring others to respect me as I respect them. I foster self control through this connection. You will never be disappointed with my choices because I have already set the standard with love, respect and responsibility. You can count on my yes being yes and my no being no. There is no fear, second guessing or surprises  in relating with me. I realize that not everyone is going to like me (particularly powerless people) and that’s ok.”

Here are the traits seen in a powerful person:

Always at peace

Driven by truth

Take full responsibility for the choices they make

Find happiness based on who they are, what they desire and what they are committed to

Deliberately set standards for how they will be treated 

Deliberately set standards for how they treat others

They are who they say they are

They do what they say they will do

Love is never dependent on being loved in return

They love no matter what

Here are the traits in a powerless person:

Never content

Driven by anxiety

Need others to make them happy 

Since it seems not safe to be themselves they need to latch on to others to cope and survive

It’s their mission to control using all sorts of tactics that are toxic to themselves and others: nagging, withdrawal, ridicule, anger, crying, undue pressure attempting to get their way.

Can you recognize the traits of a powerful person yourself or your loved one? Powerless? If you do just know that meeting with a clinical counselor or for marriage counseling can help you overcome powerlessness and begin to live a more satisfying life in all your relationships. The benefits of learning to be powerful, as you can see, are great. You can go from being powerless to powerful, controlling to self-control, fear to love, and distance to connection. It’s your call…

Dr. Anita J. Arrunategui/ Images: Canva Pro/ Danny Silk “Keep Your Love On

 The content published is for informational purposes. The content included in this blog is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.

Blog. One: Hurt: Let's Pull off the band-aid.

This is my first blog, where I'd like to share about Jehovah Rapha: "The Lord that heals thee." - Exodus 15:26 (NIV). I have been called into Christian Counseling and have been clinically trained with a unique skill set to understand and help people overcome depression, anxiety, or grief while incorporating the Christian belief system. In everything that I do, I aim to point people towards God as the great counselor and physician.

We live in a broken world full of pain and hurt. The fall of Adam and Eve when deceived led to hurt. As a child, I would get hurt from falling off my bike and dread telling my dad. He used warm soap and water to clean the wound, then poured alcohol on it before applying a Band-Aid.

I would later pull the Band-Aid off slowly, but my dad would always rip it off fast, claiming it would hurt less. I always thought it would hurt more. If a scab has formed, the wound is in the process of healing, and the Band-Aid could be removed. Do you have a scab over your wound or hurt? I can help.

I help individuals grappling with overwhelming stress, loneliness, and hopelessness. Through our work together, my clients experience peace and wholeness and feel safe and secure in growing through Christ. I provide Christian psychotherapy, and new clients find hope in our sessions. I build relationships with my clients to guide them towards Christ as a healer and source of hope.
Do you hurt?
Let us pull the Band-Aid off slowly.
Let’s work together to heal your wound.
It used to be a jingle, "I am stuck on Band-Aid because Band-Aid stuck on me."
Are you stuck? Call me.

Sleep is a gift from God, meant to rejuvenate our bodies and minds for the tasks He sets before us. However, many Christians struggle with sleep issues that can impact their daily life and spiritual wellness. By integrating faith-focused activities into our daytime routines, we can create an environment that is conducive to peaceful nights of rest. Here are some habits that can improve your sleep quality.

Seek God

Just as natural sunlight is essential for regulating our sleep-wake cycles, the light of Christ is crucial for our spiritual well-being. Begin your day with exposure to God's Word, allowing it to fill and guide you. Spend time in prayer each morning, asking for peace and rest, and thanking Him for the new day. A heart attuned to gratitude can ease anxiety and promote better sleep.

Engage in Physical Worship

Scripture encourages physical expression of our worship, and engaging in activities such as walking while praying can not only honor God but also improve our sleep. Exercise is proven to help tire the body and reduce stress, and when combined with worship, it can be a powerful tool in preparing us for rest. Be mindful of the time of day, as vigorous activity too close to bedtime may become a hindrance.

Nourish the Body as a Temple

Our bodies are described as temples of the Holy Spirit, and what we put into them can affect every aspect of our health, including our sleep. Strive to consume foods that honor your body—fruits, vegetables, and whole grains can help improve sleep quality. Be cautious with caffeine and heavy meals, particularly later in the day, to avoid disrupting your sleep pattern.

Cultivate a Spirit of Stillness

In the book of Psalms, we are reminded to "be still and know" that He is God. Taking time throughout the day to still our minds and hearts can foster a sense of peace that extends into the night. Develop a practice of daily quiet time, away from the hustle and bustle, to meditate on God's promises and rejuvenate your spirit.

Gain Strength through Fellowship

Hebrews encourages us to not forsake assembling. Engaging in Christian fellowship, whether through church functions, Bible study groups, or prayer meetings, can uplift the spirit and dispel the loneliness that often hinders good sleep. Shared testimonies of God's faithfulness can also strengthen our faith and ease our nightly rest.

Embody Consistency and Ritual

A consistent and intentional approach to our day reflects the orderliness of God's creation. As such, maintaining a regular wake-sleep schedule aligns with the rhythm He established for us. Incorporate rituals that prepare your heart for the end of the day, such as evening prayers or reading through a devotional, to signal to your mind and body that it is time to rest.

Confront Stress through Trust in God

Numerous Scripture verses remind us to cast our cares upon the Lord. Instead of allowing stress to consume your day and disrupt your sleep, actively place your worries in God's hands through prayer and supplication. Moreover, seek wisdom through the counsel of pastors, church elders, or fellow believers to alleviate the burdens weighing on your sleep.

Reflect and Give Thanks

As you navigate finding the best routine for a restful night's sleep, take time to reflect on the day's activities and their impact on your rest. Maintain a journal to track your sleep, noting how different experiences affected you. Offer up thanks for the progress you make and seek guidance on areas of improvement.

Incorporating these Christ-centered activities into your daily life not only enhances sleep quality but also draws you closer to God. Sleep becomes more than just a biological necessity; it turns into an extension of your daily worship and trust in the Lord. These habits are not just about physical rest—they are about nurturing your relationship with God and finding peace in His presence, knowing that "He gives to His beloved sleep" (Psalm 127:2).

Let your daytime routine be a reflection of your faith, and you'll find that your nights are filled with the restful sleep that God intends for all of us. Remember, in God’s sovereign care, each night is an opportunity to lay down not just your head, but your worries and fears, trusting in Him to renew you for the day to come.

Shakira is currently recruiting for 6 to 8 professional women of color (ages 28 to 39) who are interested in participating in a 12-week virtual chronic pain group for professional women struggling with chronic pelvic pain. This group will have a membership option that members can opt into for a small monthly fee after completion. In the group, they can continue to support each other, create a community, meet up, and share resources. Members must be in the New York area to join. Please email Shakira for a screening call.

Benefits and aims of the group
Co-regulate with like minded women who get it
Facilitated by someone with lived experience
Reframe unhelpful thoughts and learn to accept pain
Increase pain management coping skills and pain tolerance
Complete a personal project to help yourself engage with what’s most important
Have access to a community membership after completion

Cost $100 per session
Meeting weekly on zoom starting
August 21st, 2024
7pm to 8:30pm EST

Contact info@cheerfulheartmhcpllc.com for more information

Please read my blog post to learn more about the benefits of support groups for chronic pelvic pain.

We get it—setting boundaries sounds great in theory, but when it comes to actually implementing them, it's a whole different ball game.

Whether it's saying no to another work project or setting limits with family, here are ten reasons why we all seem to resist using boundaries.

By understanding these reasons, we can start to tackle them and lead healthier, more sustainable lives.


1. We Don’t Want to Disappoint Others
We’ve all been there. We say yes to something just to avoid the disappointed look on someone’s face. But let’s be real—constantly saying yes to avoid disappointing others can lead us straight to burnout city.
Example: Jamie* has a demanding job and a busy family life. When his boss asks him to take on another project, Jamie wants to say no but worries about letting his team down. He ends up saying yes, even though he’s already stretched thin.

2. Fear of Conflict
Nobody likes confrontation. The idea of a potentially awkward or hostile conversation is enough to make us break out in a sweat. But without boundaries, those little annoyances can snowball into major conflicts down the road.

Example: jasmine* finds it hard to tell her neighbor to stop dropping by unannounced. She dreads the potential awkwardness of the conversation, so she continues to tolerate the interruptions, even though it disrupts her family’s evening routine.

3. Guilt Trips Galore
Guilt can be a powerful motivator. We feel guilty for putting our needs first or for thinking our needs matter at all. But guess what? They do matter. We need to remember that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.

Example: Lisa* feels guilty for wanting a weekend to herself. Her friends invite her out for a weekend getaway, but she really needs some alone time to recharge. She goes anyway, driven by guilt, and returns even more exhausted.

4. We Like Being Needed
Admit it—we enjoy being the go-to person. It makes us feel important and valued. But constantly being on call for everyone else’s needs can leave us with no time or energy for our own.

Example: Tom* loves helping his friends move, fix their cars, and tackle DIY projects. He enjoys being the reliable friend, but he realizes he has no time left for his hobbies or relaxation.

5. We’re Afraid of Being Seen as Difficult
There’s a fear that if we set boundaries, we’ll be labeled as difficult or uncooperative. However, consistently ignoring our own limits can lead to even bigger problems, like burnout or resentment.
Example: Emily* hesitates to tell her colleagues that she can’t stay late to help with a project. She doesn’t want to be seen as uncooperative, so she sacrifices her evening plans repeatedly.

6. We Confuse Boundaries with Barriers
Sometimes we think setting a boundary means building a wall. But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about defining where we end and others begin. It’s about creating space for both ourselves and our relationships to thrive.

Example: Alex* worries that telling his family he needs alone time will hurt their feelings. He fears they’ll think he’s distancing himself, even though he just needs a little personal space to recharge.

7. Lack of Practice
Let’s face it—most of us didn’t grow up with a manual on how to set healthy boundaries. It’s a skill we have to learn and practice, and it can feel awkward or uncomfortable at first. But with time and practice, it gets easier.

Example: Karen* never learned how to say no politely. She’s used to overcommitting and struggles to set boundaries with her time. She starts practicing by declining small requests, like helping a colleague with non-urgent tasks.

8. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
Saying no can sometimes feel like we’re missing out on something fun or important. But constantly saying yes to everything can spread us too thin and leave us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Example: Dave* always agrees to social outings with his friends, even when he’s exhausted from work. He fears missing out on fun experiences, but the lack of rest starts affecting his performance at work.

9. We Underestimate Our Own Needs
We often put others' needs before our own, underestimating how important it is to prioritize our own well-being. But we can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of ourselves allows us to better support those around us.

Example: Rachel* is constantly attending to her children’s needs, her partner’s needs, and her work responsibilities. She rarely takes time for herself and starts feeling worn out and irritable.

10. We Think It’s All or Nothing
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we have to go from being a pushover to a strict enforcer overnight. It’s about finding a balance and setting limits that feel right for us. Small, incremental changes can make a big difference.

Example: Mark* thinks that setting boundaries means he has to be rigid and unyielding. He starts by setting small, flexible boundaries, like dedicating one evening a week to his hobbies, and gradually builds from there.

Overcoming Boundary Resistance

Recognizing why we resist setting boundaries is the first step towards making meaningful changes. By addressing these reasons, we can start to implement boundaries that allow us to lead healthier, more balanced lives.

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.
Practical Tips to Start Implementing Boundaries

Start Small: Begin by setting small boundaries that feel manageable. This could be as simple as saying no to an extra work task or carving out 10 minutes of alone time each day.

Communicate Clearly: Be honest and direct about your needs. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing others.
Be Consistent: Consistency is key. Stick to your boundaries even when it’s challenging. Over time, others will learn to respect your limits.
Seek Support: If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, consider seeking support from a counselor. A professional can provide guidance and help you navigate tricky situations.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries is a skill that takes time to develop.
Celebrate your progress and forgive yourself for any missteps.

By understanding and addressing these common reasons for resisting boundaries, we can create healthier, more sustainable lifestyles. It's time to prioritize our well-being and take the first step towards a more balanced life.

If you’re struggling to set boundaries or need support, Masters Counseling in Calgary is here to help. Our compassionate counselors can work with you to develop strategies for implementing healthy boundaries in your life. Contact us today to start your journey towards health and wholeness.

For some, the feeling of an overcrowded brain will be all too familiar. It usually happens when you’re trapped in a pattern of overthinking. Read more at https://encompasscounselingmichigan.com/overthinking-heres-how-to-get-out-of-your-head-and-into-your-body/

There continues to be considerable debate as to whether there are practical benefits to premarital/remarital counseling. The question further arises as to if premarital/remarital counseling is effective. According to Wright (1992), the institution of marriage is the closest bond that can develop between two people. That said, as many couples progress towards marriage perceptions and expectations as to what constitutes marriage varies considerably. In this regard, Wright (1992) contends that, “Unrealistic expectations and fantasies create a gulf between the partners and cause disappointments” (p. 11). Fawcett, Hawkins, Blanchard and Carroll (2010) contend that promoting healthy marriages and relationships now engages greater attention from principal stakeholders and requires considerable commitment and resources. A 2006 household survey conducted reported that “premarital education is significantly correlated to higher levels of marital quality, lower levels of marital conflict, and lower divorce rates” (Stanley, Amato, Johnson, & Markham, 2006, p. 232). The findings derived from this 2006 study lend support to the theory that premarital counseling may be effective (Proverbs 11:14; Proverbs 12:15; Proverbs 15:22; Proverbs 19:20-21).

There are numerous approaches employed in premarital counseling. One such interesting paradigm is solution-focused premarital counseling. According to Murray and Murray (2004), “Solution-focused therapy is a brief therapy approach that emphasizes clients’ strengths and attempts to produce desirable solutions to clients’ presenting problems” (p. 350). This specific approach takes on relevance because of the rapidity with which contemporary culture continues to undergo change. Solution-focused premarital counseling may also considered to be an effective option by some scholars as a result of: (a) its constructivist and postmodern paradigm, (b) its emphasis on clients’ perception of truth and (c) clients’ interpretations of their personal life experiences, interpersonal relationships coupled with their personal goals and aspirations ( Murray & Murray, 2004). At the corpus of the effectiveness of solution-focused premarital counseling is: (a) clients’ recognition that change is needed and (b) clients’ commitment to work with their therapist to implement mutually agreeable and sustainable change. “The solution-oriented theoretical framework provides a foundation for expanding the delivery of premarital counseling programs to engaged couples” (p. 356).

Is premarital counseling an effective tool for couples who are about to get married for the first time? Can it be equally effective for others reconsidering marriage after having experienced a failed marriage or failed marriages? In another meta-analytic study, consisting of 14 studies spanning four decades, Lucier-Greer and Adler-Baeder (2012) concluded that couple and relationship education “(CRE) programs that target participants in stepfamilies, both married and nonmarried, are modestly effective in influencing overall participant functioning as well as specific target outcomes, including family functioning and parenting, and appear worthy of support” (p. 765). In other words, there is some level of evidenced-based support to suggests that remarital counseling may also be well supported with the appropriate and meticulously conceptualized educational and/or enrichment programs.

The dynamic of stepfamilies introduced above connotes that some couples may be considered at higher risks for marital problems in the future than others. If this postulation is in fact true, the question arises as to what may be some of the other contributory factors that put some couples at higher marital risks. In an Australian study conducted by Halford, O’Donnell, Lizzio, and Wilson, (2006), 374 newly married couples were tested for the hypothesis that: “religious service attendance, income, age, education, female parental divorce, male parental aggression, cohabitation before marriage, forming a stepfamily, relationship aggression, or low relationship satisfaction predicts attendance at marriage education” (p. 161). Attendance to premarital education programs was reliably associated with attendance to religious services and not cohabiting before marriage, “but not reliably associated with the risk factors” (p. 161). There was also a “lack of reliable association of education attendance with relationship aggression and/or satisfaction or negative family-of origin experiences” (p. 162). In addition, this study reported that, “income, education, age, prior marriage, and forming a step-family were not reliably related to attendance” (p. 162). The study also revealed that many non-religious couples were not aware that premarital education was a resource available to them and that strategic marketing should be employed to heighten mainstream population awareness.

There are obvious complexities, attending variables and nuances associated with both premarital and remarital counseling. As such, I posit that there is a need for ongoing research to explore a plethora of relevant variables. Some of the evaluating factors that may affect couple and relationship study outcomes include: (a) the context of the study’s setting, (b) ethnicity, (c) economic status, (d) family functionality, and (e) parenting styles just to mention a few. Given the liberal marital approaches that continue to evolve in today’s postmodern culture, additional considerations should also be examined such as: (a) how many marriages has each individual been involved in prior to embarking on an educational program, (b) are the individuals cohabiting or are they living apart, (c) if married, at what stage of the marriage are the couple prepared to engage in a CRE program (Lucier-Greer & Adler-Baeder, 2012). In summary, there is empirical data which suggest that couple and relationship programs in various contexts have met with favorable outcomes, yet there remains a need for research that incorporates additional contextual diversity. Lucier-Greer and Adler-Baeder (2012) succinctly surmise this perspective noting that, “quality research designs framed with an ecocultural lens using control groups and long-term follow-up procedures are needed” (p. 766).

References

Fawcett, E. B., Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., & Carroll, J. S. (2010). Do premarital education programs work? A meta-analytic study. Family Relations, 59(3), 232-239. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00598.x
Halford, W. K., O’Donnell, C., Lizzio, A., & Wilson, K. L. (2006). Do couples at high risk of relationship problems attend premarriage education? Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 160-163. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.160
Lucier-Greer, M. & Adler-Baeder, F. (2012). Does couple and relationship education work for individuals in stepfamilies? A meta-analytic study. Family Relations, 61(5), 756-769. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3279.2012.00728.x
Murray, C. E. & Murray, T. L. (2004). Solution-focused premarital counseling: Helping couples build a vision for their marriage. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(3), 349-358. Retrieved from Psy Articles
Stanley, S. M., Amato, P. R., Johnson, C. A. & Markham, H. J. (2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 117-126. Retrieved from https://doi.org/ 10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.117
Wright, H. N. (1992). The premarital counseling handbook. Chicago: Moody Publishers.