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Thursday, October 3, 2024

Disappointment and Marriage

Thursday, October 3, 2024 @ 8:35 PM

A few weeks ago I attended a beautiful Christian wedding. The pastor did a great job because his message actually informed the couple that even though their celebration together on this day surrounded by family and friends was creating beautiful memories, they might experience some disappointing moments and those moments could possibly happen very quickly after the ceremony ended. He encouraged them not be caught off guard in those disappointing moments but to know this is normal and in these disappointments they should take a deep breath, seek wisdom and guidance and even ask the Lord in prayer to help them.

What wisdom! I'm afraid we've given couples a Hallmark version of marriage where there are no problems and everything turns out gloriously every single moment. We don't do newlyweds any favors to suggest that marriage is without disappointing moments and includes many times of working through tough hurts.

What you might not know is that the number one emotion that causes couples to be disconnected is disappointment. It is wise to inform couples that disappointment will come, but this doesn't mean that these disappointing interactions are deal breakers. Disappointment is simply an opportunity for couples to learn how to solve problems and to grow together in victory.

Many couples I work with are shocked to hear about the power of disappointment and how normal it is for married couples to be disappointed in their marriage. Couples witness others in church and other groups who never look disappointed. They wonder what is wrong with them, why they aren't thriving in their marriage.

Christian couples need to learn how to be married! Many couples never saw good examples of marriage and for the most part are expecting things "to just work out." For this reason I created a course they can work through watching videos and doing assignments from a workbook so they can have a better understanding of navigating marriage and improving the marriage relationship. Committing to improving their marriage with this training will definitely help couples create new habits, learn more about each other and marriage and escape being stuck in a disappointing marriage.

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

How to Reprogram Your Mind to Become Anxiety Free

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 @ 3:37 PM

janekcoaching

Is your mind filled with anxiety?
Maybe you’re suffering from sleepless nights and feeling nervous and upset all day…
Worrying all the time…
Imagining the worst-case scenario…
Maybe having an anxiety free mind sounds impossible.
Maybe you think anxiety is helpful and necessary.
That it helps you solve your problems.
But if you’re honest, what you really want is to relax and calm down.
You want to be free of anxiety.
It is truly possible to become anxiety free – no matter what your situation is.
A few years ago, I was an anxious mess. A family situation had me in knots. I hardly ate, couldn’t sleep, and was consumed with worry all day. In the midst of my miser

Here’s what I discovered…

1. DON’T BELIEVE EVERY THING your mind tells you!
It’s true! Thoughts are just thoughts! You don’t need to trust every one of them. Not all thoughts are equal.

2. Become AWARE of your thoughts.
This means pausing long enough to become mindful of the thoughts rolling around in your mind. Take a break from your whirlwind of thoughts. Stop long enough to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Identify the ones causing your anxiety.

3. ASK YOURSELF: Where do these thoughts come from?
This is a reflective process that takes a bit of time but helps you understand the root of your thoughts. Thoughts come from a lifetime of experiences that have formed impressions or unconscious ideas about how life works and your place in the world. For example, individuals with anxiety might have unconscious thoughts like…
I will always be a worrier.
Life is unsafe and scary.
Anxiety helps me cope with problems.
I’ll never be able to calm down.
Something must be wrong with me.

4. Identify CORE BELIEFS
Unconscious thoughts affect everything you do. They influence your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions. Why? Because they form the foundational system of beliefs by which you live.
They are called CORE BELIEFS. For instance, someone living with the core belief that anxiety is the way to cope with problems, experiences a mind automatically filled with anxious thoughts and feelings when something happens.
An event could even be neutral but those of us with anxiety will interpret it as being negative and dangerous. While someone else operating from a different set of beliefs might interpret the event as a positive opportunity.

5. Accept and change LIMITING BELIEFS
Core beliefs become LIMITING BELIEFS when you trust and act on them. Hanging on to the core belief, for instance, that life is unsafe and scary, holds you back in life. Fear and anxiety control your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions.
The key to reducing limiting beliefs that cause anxiety is to allow and accept them. Be aware of your limiting beliefs and decide to do something about the ones that cause anxious thoughts.
Remember: You don’t have to believe everything your mind tells you!

You always have a choice to change negative thoughts and limiting beliefs into positive thoughts and empowering beliefs.

Here’s how…

Replace old beliefs with new beliefs. For instance, someone with the old belief, “I will never be able to calm down,” could change it to the new belief, “I can calm down. I can do what it takes to calm down.”
Repeat the new belief to yourself every day! Even several times a day. Make it a habit. This will start to reprogram your mind and create new neural pathways in your brain.
You can reprogram your mind and become anxiety free!

I hope you can follow these 5 steps to become aware of your limiting beliefs, change them to new empowering beliefs and to repeat them often. Take this path to become anxiety free.

However, if you are truly struggling with anxiety that keep you nervous and troubled, watch my FREE 10 minute video on How to Stop Anxiety (https://janekcoaching.com/schedule-a-call/) to learn the exact 3 steps you can take to Become Anxiety Free.

Jane Kennard PhD, CPC is a Canadian born anxiety coach whose desire is to help women become anxiety free. Her purpose is to support women struggling with anxiety, overwhelm and worry and help them experience anxiety free living. She lives in Texas with her husband and Bishon pup, Toby. Find out more and sign up for a free consultation here.

Monday, September 30, 2024

Kingdom Blueprint: Cultivating an Intimate Relationship with God

Monday, September 30, 2024 @ 3:31 PM

Attending church regularly, praying, Bible-reading, and devotionals are worthwhile activities, but activity alone does not make a relationship.

Kingdom Blueprint takes a deep dive into what it looks like to be called into a relationship with the Living God--and how to allow that relationship to transform our relationships with ourselves and others.

Relationships explore how to
See and embrace God's invitation to relationship
Overcome resistance to the invitation
Stop sabotaging relationship with God and others
Accept God's invitation to enter into our true selves
Sit in the presence of God
Actively participate in intentional spiritual formation and transformation
Use seven disciplines to orient yourself to the presence of God

Friday, September 27, 2024

How to Set Boundaries and Find Peace: A Guide to Saying No Politely and Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Friday, September 27, 2024 @ 3:09 PM

Alright, mama—let’s get real for a minute. How many times have you said yes to something (you didn’t really want to do) just to avoid feeling guilty? Yup, same. But here's the thing—saying no doesn’t have to feel like you’re stepping on someone’s toes or sending out a breakup text. Nope! You can protect your time and energy without all the guilt or awkwardness.

Saying no can be tough, especially when you're juggling relationships, family, and life’s never-ending demands. But guess what? There’s a secret sauce to saying no nicely that’ll leave you feeling empowered and keep your relationships intact. Whether you’re turning down a PTA project, rejecting an invite, or just trying to carve out some me-time without offending anyone, I’m here to help you master the graceful (and totally doable) art of saying no—without feeling like a jerk.

Let’s dive in and learn how you can say no without sacrificing your sanity or your relationships.

Why You NEED to Learn How to Say No

Listen, I know you want to be there for everyone. But trying to keep all those plates spinning is going to lead you straight to Burnout City—and nobody wants that. Here’s the truth: when you say yes to everything, you’re actually saying no to yourself. And trust me, saying no every now and then is the best form of self-care you can give yourself.

Learning how to say no is like reclaiming your power. When you start setting those boundaries, you’re protecting your peace and energy. You’ll be more present when you do say yes because it won’t come with all that resentment and exhaustion.

What Happens When You Don’t Say No? (Spoiler: It’s Not Good)

Ever found yourself knee-deep in something you wish you could bail on? Maybe it’s volunteering for that bake sale you never had time for, or attending that social event that’s draining your already-limited energy. Here’s what happens when you don’t say no: you stretch yourself too thin, and eventually, you’ll snap. And mama, that’s no good for you or anyone else.

When you’re always saying yes, you’re giving up the time you need for yourself. Eventually, resentment sneaks in (and we all know that’s a recipe for disaster). Your relationships suffer, your mental health takes a hit, and worst of all, you start to lose you. Saying no allows you to say YES to things that fill your cup instead of emptying it.

The Art of Assertiveness (AKA Standing Your Ground Without Being Mean)

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to become the “mean mom” (don’t worry, you won’t!). It’s all about being assertive—which is basically just a fancy way of saying you’re confident in expressing your needs. And guess what? You can do it kindly without being aggressive or cold.

Think of assertiveness like this: It’s about setting the tone, drawing your boundaries in the sand, and letting people know what you need, all while keeping things cool, calm, and respectful. No drama, no attitude—just clear communication. You’re saying, “This is what I can handle, and I’m sticking to it.” It’s that simple.

You’re allowed to say no—and when you do it confidently, people respect you more for it. The truth is, people often take their cues from you. When you approach something with confidence and calmness, they’ll pick up on that and respond accordingly. They may even admire you for being clear and firm about what works for you.

The key here is balance. Assertiveness isn’t about being harsh or cold; it’s about valuing yourself enough to speak up. It’s about finding that sweet spot between being overly passive (saying yes to everything and drowning in commitments) and being too aggressive (snapping and shutting people down). Instead, assertiveness is your power tool for saying no in a way that respects both you and the other person. You can say no to that extra task, the social invitation, or the favor, and still keep the relationship intact. It’s about honesty, and honesty—when paired with kindness—is always a win.

How to Say No Without the Awkwardness: Communication 101
Okay, so you’re ready to say no, but how do you do it without feeling like you’re letting someone down or coming off as rude? It’s all in how you communicate. Let’s break it down:

1. Be Honest but Brief (and Skip the Novel-Sized Explanation)
Here’s the thing—most people don’t need a long, drawn-out explanation when you’re saying no. In fact, over-explaining can sometimes make things more awkward. For example, you don’t need to go into detail about your laundry list of reasons why you can’t do something. A simple, “I’d love to help, but I’m not able to commit right now” works like a charm. It’s honest, respectful, and best of all—it leaves no room for guilt.

The truth is people appreciate when you’re upfront. Being honest shows you’re genuine, and they’ll respect your boundaries more. And bonus: You’re not left scrambling to come up with excuses or get caught up in a web of unnecessary explanations.

2. Use “I” Statements to Keep it Personal, Not Blamey
One of the best ways to soften a no is by framing it in terms of your own needs. Using “I” statements is a simple yet powerful tool. Saying things like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to take a breather” or “I don’t have the capacity to take this on right now” focuses on your feelings and circumstances, instead of making the other person feel at fault for asking.

Compare these two examples:

“You always ask me to do too much!” (Aggressive, right?)

“I’m really stretched thin right now, and I need to focus on other priorities.” (So much kinder!)

The key here is ownership. When you focus on your limits and needs, it’s clear that your no isn’t personal—it’s about managing your own well-being.

3. The Power of the “No, But...” Approach
If you’re worried about saying no completely and want to keep the door open for future possibilities, the “No, But...” strategy works wonders. Let’s say a friend invites you to a last-minute brunch, but your Sunday morning is already booked with errands and a rare moment of relaxation. Instead of feeling pressured, you can say, “I can’t make it this Sunday, but how about next weekend instead?”

This approach shows that you’re still interested in maintaining the relationship, but you’re prioritizing your time in a way that works for you. It softens the blow of a no and gives both you and the other person an alternative to look forward to.

Here’s how it could work in other situations:

At work: “I’m swamped with deadlines right now, but I’d be happy to review the project next week.”

With a friend: “I’m not up for a big night out, but I’d love to catch up over coffee soon.”

With family: “I can’t host the holiday dinner this year, but I can help with the planning and decorations.”

4. Use Humor to Lighten the Mood
Sometimes, when things get tense or awkward, a little humor can go a long way. If saying no feels uncomfortable, injecting a bit of lightheartedness can make it feel less heavy for both you and the person asking. For example, if someone asks you to do something that’s just not feasible, you could say something like, “I’d love to, but I’m already trying to figure out how to clone myself to get through this week!” It keeps the mood friendly while still delivering your no.

Of course, this tactic only works if humor feels natural for you and the relationship. If the vibe is more formal, stick with a polite decline. But don’t be afraid to let a little personality shine through—saying no doesn’t have to feel like a legal proceeding!

5. Be Consistent and Firm (Without Wavering or Backtracking)
When you say no, stand by it. Often, the guilt that follows makes us second-guess ourselves, and before we know it, we’re adding qualifiers like, “Well, maybe I can make it work…” No, mama, hold your ground! Being consistent is key. If you say no but start to backtrack, it sends mixed signals and weakens your boundary.

Example: A friend asks you to volunteer for the school bake sale, and you’ve already got too much on your plate. You say no politely, but then start wavering with something like, “Well, I suppose I could make a few cupcakes…” Suddenly, you’re right back to feeling overcommitted. Instead, stick to your original no and keep it firm. “I wish I could help, but I’ve got too much going on this week. I’ll have to pass this time.”

It’s about being kind but standing your ground. You deserve to protect your energy.

6. Timing Is Everything
Believe it or not, when you say no can matter just as much as how you say it. If possible, deliver your no sooner rather than later—dragging it out only adds to the awkwardness. If you know you can’t commit to something, don’t wait until the last minute to let the person know. For example, if someone asks for your help next week but you already know your schedule is jam-packed, it’s better to give a polite no early on: “I won’t be able to help next week, but I wanted to let you know now so you can find someone else.”

Being timely not only keeps things smooth and respectful, but it also shows you’re considering the other person’s needs by giving them ample notice.

7. Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings, but Stay Focused on Your No
Sometimes, the hardest part of saying no is worrying about how the other person will react. While you want to acknowledge their feelings, remember that you don’t need to bend your boundaries to protect them from disappointment. Saying something like, “I understand this might be tough to hear, but I can’t commit to this right now” shows empathy without sacrificing your own needs. It’s okay to recognize that your no might not be what they wanted to hear, but that doesn’t mean you need to change your answer.

Setting Boundaries with Confidence

Boundaries are your best friend. They’re not about pushing people away; they’re about protecting your energy. When you set clear boundaries, you’re telling the world, “Hey, this is what I can handle, and I’m sticking to it.” Boundaries are essential for your mental health and your relationships, and the more you practice them, the easier they become.

It’s okay to say, “I need some time for myself,” or “I can’t make it to that event.” You’re allowed to protect your peace, and trust me, the people who respect you will respect those boundaries too.

Here are a few more ways to frame your no:
“I’d love to help, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.” This keeps things honest and clear without over-explaining.

“I appreciate the invite, but I need a quiet night in to recharge.” Saying no to social events is totally valid, especially when you’re prioritizing self-care.

“I can’t take on anything else this week, but let me know how it goes!” It’s a great way to show support without stretching yourself thin.

“I’m flattered you asked, but I have to say no this time.” A polite decline that shows you appreciate being included, but you’re still standing by your limits.

“I have too many commitments right now to give this my full attention.” This emphasizes that your no is about protecting the quality of your time and energy, not about rejecting the person.

The bottom line: You don’t need to justify or apologize for protecting your boundaries. The right people will understand that saying no is a form of self-respect, not rejection.

Saying ‘No’ Without Guilt or Apology

Now, here’s the real kicker: the guilt. I know it’s there—the little voice telling you that saying no is selfish or rude. But guess what? That voice is wrong. Taking care of yourself and setting limits isn’t selfish; it’s survival. The more you say no to things that don’t align with your needs, the more you’re saying yes to the things that truly matter—your health, your sanity, and your happiness.

Let’s say goodbye to guilt once and for all. The more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes. And here’s a secret: you’ll actually feel better knowing you’re taking care of yourself first.

When “No” Feels Complicated: Dealing with Pushback

Let’s face it—sometimes, saying no doesn’t end with a simple, “Okay, I understand.” In reality, people might push back or try to change your mind, and that’s when it gets a little more complicated. But here’s the thing: standing firm in your boundaries is crucial for your well-being. And often, pushback has more to do with the other person than with your no.

Why Do People Push Back?
They’re Not Used to Hearing No from You
If you’ve always been the one to say yes—whether it’s taking on extra tasks, lending a hand, or just always being available—people get accustomed to it. So, the first time you set a boundary, it can catch them off guard. They may not know how to react because they’re used to you bending over backward. But guess what? That’s their issue, not yours. Their surprise doesn’t mean your no isn’t valid.

They’re Prioritizing Their Own Needs Over Yours
Some people push back because they’re thinking about how your no affects them—their plans, their workload, or their convenience. It’s natural for people to react this way, but it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for their expectations. Your needs are just as important. If they guilt-trip you or push harder, stay firm. Acknowledge their feelings but stand by your decision. For example, “I understand this is important to you, but I’m still unable to commit.”

They Don’t Realize They’re Crossing a Boundary
Sometimes, people aren’t even aware that they’re overstepping. They might be so used to leaning on you that they don’t see your yes as something that might drain you. When you set a boundary, it may feel like a sudden shift to them. If this happens, you can offer a gentle reminder: “I know I usually help with this, but I need to take a step back for my own well-being.” Over time, they’ll get the message.

They’re Trying to Test Your Limits
Let’s be real: some people don’t like hearing no because it challenges the dynamic they’ve come to expect. These individuals might push back to see if you’ll crack. They may guilt-trip you with phrases like, “But I really need you,” or “You always do this for me.” It’s critical to hold your ground in these moments. You can say something like, “I hear you, but I’m still not able to help right now.” It’s calm, clear, and keeps you in control.

Preparing Yourself for Pushback
Knowing that pushback is a possibility is half the battle. Here are some ways to prepare yourself and deal with it effectively:

Stay Calm and Collected
When people push back, it’s easy to feel flustered or even guilty. But here’s the secret: keep your response short and steady. Repeat your original no without wavering. For example, “I understand where you’re coming from, but I still can’t commit to that right now.” You don’t need to get defensive or apologize. Just stay calm and firm.

Don’t Over-Explain
There’s a temptation to start justifying your no, but resist the urge to go down that path. Over-explaining opens the door for more pushback because it gives the other person something to argue against. The more you explain, the more they may try to poke holes in your reasoning. A simple, clear no is more powerful: “I can’t take that on right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

Hold Your Ground with Empathy
It’s possible to say no while still acknowledging the other person’s feelings. This doesn’t mean you’re backing down—it means you’re showing empathy while maintaining your boundaries. Something like, “I get that this might be hard to hear, but I’ve made my decision and it’s what’s best for me right now” lets them know you care, but you’re still standing firm.

Prepare for Reactions
People react in all kinds of ways when faced with a no. Some might try to guilt-trip you, others might act hurt, and a few might get defensive. The key is not to take their reactions personally. Their feelings aren’t your responsibility, and it’s okay if they need time to adjust to the new dynamic. Keep reminding yourself: you are allowed to say no. You don’t owe anyone an immediate yes.

Know That It Gets Easier

The more you practice saying no, the easier it gets—and the less pushback you’ll face over time. People who push back are often testing whether you really mean it. If you hold your ground consistently, they’ll learn to respect your boundaries. Eventually, the pushback will diminish, and people will come to understand that when you say no, you mean it.

Conclusion: It’s Time to Take Your Power Back

It’s time to stop feeling bad about saying no. You deserve to prioritize yourself and protect your energy. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re letting anyone down—it means you’re showing up in a healthier, more balanced way.

Ready to master the art of saying no without feeling guilty? I’m here to help. Together, we’ll work on setting boundaries, protecting your peace, and finding that sweet spot where you can be a total rockstar at life without burning yourself out.

Schedule your free consultation today, and let’s start creating the balance you deserve!

-Kelly, MA, BCBA, Mom Life Coach

Saturday, August 31, 2024

Grief's Journey Therapeutic Group

Saturday, August 31, 2024 @ 9:52 AM

This will be a five week journey through the path called grief. During the sessions we will explore the grieving process, grief myths, holiday grief, and more.

Thursday, August 29, 2024

Navigating Narcissism with Faith: A Clinically Based Christian Approach

Thursday, August 29, 2024 @ 5:12 PM

EMDR Therapy

By Bridgette Morris, Christian Therapist and Creator of the SNAP! Method - #1 tool to deal with narcissitc people with a faith-based mindset

If you’ve found yourself entangled with a narcissistic parent, partner, or colleague, you know how disorienting and painful it can be. It’s easy to feel conflicted, stuck, and utterly unsure of what steps to take next. The internal struggle is real, and it’s deeply rooted in something called cognitive dissonance—a term that might sound clinical but describes a very human experience of mental and emotional conflict. In these moments, faith isn’t just a comfort; it’s a critical compass guiding you through the storm.

Understanding Cognitive Dissonance in Narcissistic Relationships
Cognitive dissonance occurs when your mind struggles to reconcile two conflicting beliefs or values. Imagine loving someone deeply, but constantly being hurt by their manipulative behavior. You know something is wrong, but you cling to the hope that things will change, or that their actions aren’t as harmful as they seem. This is cognitive dissonance at play—your brain is trying to make sense of two opposing realities: the love and the harm.

For many, this dissonance creates a paralyzing state of confusion and self-doubt. You start questioning your own perceptions, wondering if you’re overreacting or misunderstanding the situation. It’s a mental tug-of-war that leaves you feeling drained and trapped.

The Role of Faith in Navigating Narcissistic Manipulation
As Christians, our faith is the bedrock that holds us steady when everything else feels shaky. But when you’re dealing with a narcissist, it’s easy to lose sight of that foundation. The narcissist’s manipulations can be so subtle, so insidious, that they make you doubt your own beliefs and values.

This is where faith becomes more than a comfort—it becomes your anchor. By leaning into your faith, you can begin to see through the narcissist’s tactics. You’re reminded of your worth in God’s eyes, a worth that no amount of manipulation can diminish. Faith helps you discern the truth from the lies, giving you the strength to stand firm in your values.

The SNAP! Method: Leaning into Faith to Impact Change
Dealing with a narcissist isn’t just about survival; it’s about reclaiming your power and living a life of peace and purpose. That’s why I developed the SNAP! Method—a structured, faith-based approach that allows you to lean into your faith during moments of manipulation, empowering you to create real, lasting change.

Here’s how the SNAP! Method works:

Stop: The first step is to pause. When you’re caught in the whirlwind of a narcissist’s manipulations, the best thing you can do is take a step back. This isn’t about giving up; it’s about giving yourself the space to think clearly.

Notice: Pay attention to what’s really happening. Notice the patterns of manipulation, the subtle ways the narcissist tries to control or belittle you. This step is crucial because it allows you to separate your emotions from the narcissist’s tactics.

Ask: Here’s where faith comes in. Ask yourself how your faith informs this situation. What would Christ advise you to do? What does scripture say about your worth and how you should be treated? By grounding yourself in your faith, you can make decisions that align with your values rather than the narcissist’s agenda.

Pivot: Finally, take action. But not just any action—action that’s rooted in your faith and values. This might mean setting boundaries, seeking professional help, or even walking away. Whatever it is, it’s a pivot toward a life of peace, away from the chaos the narcissist thrives on.

The SNAP! Method isn’t just a tool; it’s a lifeline. It’s a way to take control of your life, not by fighting fire with fire, but by leaning into the strength and wisdom that comes from your faith.

Moving Forward with Confidence and Faith
Narcissism is a tough opponent, but it’s not invincible. With the right tools and a strong foundation in faith, you can navigate even the most challenging relationships. Cognitive dissonance and emotional manipulation don’t have to control your life. By understanding these dynamics and using the SNAP! Method, you can reclaim your power and start living the life God intended for you—a life filled with peace, purpose, and unwavering faith.

I’m Bridgette Morris, with over 20 years of experience in helping individuals break free from the grip of narcissism. I’ve authored a book on the subject and founded the Healing Life Institute, where my team of five dedicated professionals all approach narcissism from a faith-based lens. Together, we’re committed to guiding you through true healing and lasting transformation.

Let’s start this journey together.

My Theological Construct of Marriage

Thursday, August 29, 2024 @ 10:45 AM

My Theological Construct of Marriage

I submit that one’s personal theology, core values, beliefs and ultimate understanding of biblical doctrine all buttress one’s framework of marriage. Several questions arise regarding one’s value system, one’s belief system, socialization, cultural exposure which serve to shape the lens by which couples view the world. As such, to avoid repetitive issues, problems and conflict in marriage, there must be some level of unity with respect to the philosophy and/or biblical theology of the marriage couple (Genesis 2:24; I Corinthians 11:11; Ecclesiastes 4:9-10). Elwell (2001) clearly outlines the similar relationship between theology and philosophy, “Since theology and philosophy both engage in critical analysis of the meaning of terms, follow a strict process of observation and reasoning to reach conclusions, and traditionally sought to formulate a consistent worldview, philosophy and theology are overlapping disciplines (Elwell p. 1163). In this regard, the Bible explicitly states, “Hear this word that the Lord hath spoken against you, O children of Israel, against the whole family which I brought up from the land of Egypt, saying, You only have I known of all the families of the earth: therefore I will punish you for all your iniquities. Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:1-3, King James Version). To better explicate the relational functioning of marriage from a theological perspective let us first examine marriage in the context of creation.

The Creation of Humanity

Seeking to understand the relationship of humanity to God, from a perspective of image and likeness, is an extremely complex issue. As such, any serious attempt to understand what it means to be made in the image of God is centered on the premise of the doctrines of humanity and creation. Several biblical passages speak of the image of God. The best-known is probably Geneses 1:26-27. Verse 26 is God’s statement of intention; it includes the terms (tselem) and (demuth), translated respectively, “image” and “likeness” (Erickson, 1998, p. 519). While the content of the divine image remains a matter of debate, its significance as a marker for human distinctiveness within creation is a matter of broad theological consensus. The problem is that such an assessment of the “imago dei” seems altogether out of keeping with its place in the Bible (McFarland, 2005, p. 1). To establish a sound theology of marriage, one must seek to establish a relationship between humanity and the “likeness” and “image “of God. In terms of creation, what distinguishes man from any other creature? Man is not only a creature, but he is also a person. And to be a person means to have a kind of independence- not absolute but relative. According to Baker (1991), “The idea of the image of God means that humanity has a unique relation to God. There is something about God that is also true of human beings but not true of animals” (p. 36). Implicitly, God created humanity with free will. In the marital context, there is a strong relational functioning that enables the ability to understand and establish covenant, set goals, establish families, make life-changing decisions.

The Fall of Man

So early was the decision -making ability granted to humanity that it led to “the Fall” of man. At the corpus of the decisions made by Adam and Eve were yielding to temptation and disobedience. According to Elwell (2001), “That humanity by creation uniquely bears the image of God is a fundamental biblical doctrine- as is also that this image is sullied by sin and that it is restored by divine salvation” (p. 591). The discourse of deception created by Satan gives a clear preview of his guile.

Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?” And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat the fruit of the trees of the garden; but of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God has said, ‘You shall not eat it, nor shall you touch it, lest you die.’ ” Then the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die. For God knows that in the day you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was[a]pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate. She also gave to her husband with her, and he ate. (Genesis 3:1-6, New King James Version)

Adam and Eve’s disobedience resulted in the fall of humankind, led to man’s spiritual separation from God and broke covenant with God. According to Hoekema (1986), the statement “God created man in his own image” intends to do more than just describe man’s spiritual and moral integrity, but rather humankind was “created was to mirror God and to represent God” (p. 66). Elwell (2001) further establishes a theological framework in support of my earlier statement on the related doctrines. He notes: “Hebrew-Christian theology frames the doctrine of the imago in the setting of divine creation and redemption” (p. 591). As such, the reader should begin to observe a common threat not only of humanity link to God’s image and likeness, but also to the theological constructs of creation, the fall and now redemption.

The Redemption Plan of God

The Son of God, who as the divine Word is the expression of the will and power of God, is not only the agent of creation by whom all things were brought into being and providential sustainer of the universe as a historical continuum (Col. 1:15-17; Heb. 1:2), but also the redeemer in and through whom all God’s purposes of creation are established and brought to fulfillment. In 2 Corinthians 4:3-6, the Apostle Paul links Christ as the “imago dei” with the glory-Christology evident throughout the New Testament.

But even if our gospel is veiled, it is veiled to those who are perishing, whose minds the god of this age has blinded, who do not believe, lest the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine on them. For we do not preach ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord, and ourselves your bondservants for Jesus’ sake. For it is the God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. (2 Corinthians 4:3-6, New King James Version)

I posit that the fulness of God’s redemptive process cannot be fully comprehended in the absence a revelation of God’s atonement. According to Hughes (1989) “The whole purpose of the incarnation was our redemption. The person of Christ receives its full meaning from the work of Christ” (p. 342). The Bible vividly makes the work of the Cross a very passionate experience. “And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross” (Philippians 4:6, New King James Version). In the marriage context, God’s agape love becomes the model to which married couples should aspire (Ephesians 5:21-25). According to Parrott and Parrott (2006), “Consummate love results from the full combination of love’s three components: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Consummate love is the goal toward which every marriage strives” (p. 43). In summary, relational functioning in a marriage may perhaps best be sustained through consummate and unconditional love, oneness and unity in both the natural and spiritual, an intentionally willingness to fidelity, commitment, sacrifice, forgiveness and submission to the divine will of God. Hamilton and Cunningham (2000) affirm the conciliatory view of marriage. He notes that “Jesus came to set in motion the healing God had promised when Adam and Eve shared the great tragedy of the Garden. He came to end the painful consequences of a broken and sinful world, including the rift between men and women” (p. 111).

References

Baker, W. H. (1991). The Image of God. Chicago: Moody Press.

Elwell, A. W. (2001). Evangelical dictionary of theology. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic.

Erickson, M. J. (1998). Christian theology. Grand Rapids: Baker Academic.

Hamilton, D. & Cunningham, J. R. L. (2000). Why not women? A fresh look at scripture on women in missions, ministry, and leadership. Washington, Seattle: YWAM Publishing.

Hoekema, A. A. (1986). Created in God’s image. Grand Rapids: Wm. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

Hughes, P. E. (1989). The true image. Grand Rapids: W. B. Eerdmans Publishing Company.

McFarland, I. A. (2005). The divine image. Minneapolis: Augsburg Fortress Press.

Parrott, L. & Parrott, L. (2006). Saving your marriage before it starts. Grand Rapids: Zondervan

Wednesday, August 28, 2024

17 Ways to Reduce Stress During the Workday

Wednesday, August 28, 2024 @ 4:08 PM

Most people experience less leisure and more daily stress as they juggle work and career, family, and friends. In spite of life’s demands, there are some simple, effective steps that can be taken to ease up on daily pressures. Here are 16 ways to reduce stress during the workday. Choose those that work best for you and practice them often. Why? Because your health (physical, mental, spiritual) is much more important to your joy than material things. Here’s to your heath!

1. Begin the day with a brief prayer and meditation: Rather than jumping out of bed and rushing to start your day, take a few minutes – from five to 20 – to pray, meditate, read a short inspiring passage, think peaceful thoughts, appreciate God’s gift of a new, fresh day. Beginning this way gives you a sense of peace that will manifest itself all day.
2. Apply the wisdom of Paul to your daily living: “Whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable…think about such things” (Philippians 4:8 NIV). Those words are a reminder to think positively. During the day when you face a crisis, think challenge. When you face an obstacle, think opportunity. Approaching any stressful event positively will boost your energy.
3. Remember, you get to make mistakes: “Many people start sinking into despair or scolding themselves unmercifully after making a mistake,” observes Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Finding Joy. “The important thing to remember is that everyone makes mistakes…so ease up on yourself.”
4. Create peaceful images in your mind: Several times during your workday, pause briefly to create a peaceful image in your mind. For example, picture yourself gently canoeing on a calm, still lake with the sun shining brilliantly. Or imagine yourself sitting quietly on a hillside where you are completely surrounded by beautiful wildflowers.
5. Practice hospitality: Maintain an open-door policy in your heart for everyone you will encounter during the day. Greet everyone with a smile. This will make others feel good about being with you.
6. Observe your breathing: When we are relaxed our breathing is slow and even. However, when we are anxious or upset we tend to breathe irregularly. Pay attention to your breathing. As soon as you notice yourself becoming stressed say to yourself, “Stop.” As you breathe out, smile. As you do this let your shoulders drop and relax your hands. Repeat this technique several times.
7. Take a brisk walk: Experts note that exercise is effective in burning off the excess adrenaline that fuels feelings of anxiety and stress. Exercise also releases endorphins—the body’s natural chemicals that block anxiety and pain. So take a brisk walk over lunch hour. During office hours, even a brisk walk down the hallway or up a flight of stairs can help.
8. Change your lunch environment: Get out of the office and enjoy your noon meal in a park. Use this time to be with nature. At least once or twice a week, eat by yourself in silence. Eat slowly. Be thankful for your meal. Enjoy yourself.
9. Walk in someone else’s shoes: Try to see a conflict or difference of opinion from another person’s point of view. In most cases, you’ll find your anger slipping away.
10. Beware about what you drink: The caffeinated drinks you drink throughout the day can be a mental-health nightmare. Too much caffeine can cause shaky hands, restlessness, and irritability—all of which increase stressful feelings. Try eliminating it from your routine. If you can’t do it all at once, then cut down or do it gradually.
11. Concentrate on the task at hand, not the outcome: This is another way of learning to be less than perfect. If you find yourself fretting about a project, speak gently to yourself, saying: “Here I go again worrying about the future. I’ll just give this my best now.” Then do that. Remember to leave the future in God’s hands.
12. Just say “No”: Yes, it’s okay to say NO! You don’t have to accept every project, every invitation to become involved, every opportunity to attend a meeting. Accept what you need to do and what you want to do, but say “No, thank you” to other requests for your time. People will manage if you say no.
13. Make a peace pact with yourself: As soon as you begin to feel angry, hostile, cynical, skeptical, irritable, or impatient, repeat a word that can offset the negative energy. Some examples include peace, love, hope, faith, joy, patience, etc.
14. Relive a happy memory: Tap into the power of your memories. In a time of stress, look back and remember a pleasant experience of satisfying moment.
15. Let there be music: The right music can take you from a highly tense state to a relaxed state in a very short time. The right music is generally instrumental rather than vocal. Many people find the sounds of nature combined with musical harmonies to be very relaxing.
16. Don’t bring work problems home: This one is going to be difficult for many, especially in this electronic age. But, do your best. Leave your cares behind at the office. You will feel better, and you will return to work refreshed, energetic, and more creative. A few tips: At the end of the workday sit quietly and consciously make the transition from work to home. When you pull into the driveway, park on the street, or about to leave your home office space, take a minute to orient yourself to being with your family members or to entering your home. Try changing out of your work clothes when you get home. This simple act might help you to make a smoother transition into your next “role.’”
17. Share your stressors with a good friend. Bringing your real self to good connections with its problems and needs can do much to relieve the monkey on your back. Bonding and safe attachment with others who can listen and really hear you can do much to help with peace in your heart,

Friday, August 16, 2024

Christian Marriages Need Help!

Friday, August 16, 2024 @ 9:19 PM

I created an online course and companion handbook to help Christian Couples LEARN how to be married. Often, Christian couples haven't had an example of a successful marriage. This training will help couples LEARN the basics of a Christian marriage. They can learn in the comfort of their home watching videos together and doing the homework assignments from the companion workbook that is downloadable with the course.

Dr. Trudy has over 18,000 hours experience in the counseling room. Realizing couples need this help because of the costs of marriage counseling and marriage intensive programs, she created this alternative option for couples to receive help for their marriages.

Couples can D-I-Y in the comfort of their homes with the guidance of Dr. Trudy. Dr. Trudy's heart is to help Christian couples start over and be trained about having a Christian marriage.

Wednesday, May 29, 2024

10 Reasons We Resist Using Boundaries

Wednesday, May 29, 2024 @ 11:16 PM

We get it—setting boundaries sounds great in theory, but when it comes to actually implementing them, it's a whole different ball game.

Whether it's saying no to another work project or setting limits with family, here are ten reasons why we all seem to resist using boundaries.

By understanding these reasons, we can start to tackle them and lead healthier, more sustainable lives.


1. We Don’t Want to Disappoint Others
We’ve all been there. We say yes to something just to avoid the disappointed look on someone’s face. But let’s be real—constantly saying yes to avoid disappointing others can lead us straight to burnout city.
Example: Jamie* has a demanding job and a busy family life. When his boss asks him to take on another project, Jamie wants to say no but worries about letting his team down. He ends up saying yes, even though he’s already stretched thin.

2. Fear of Conflict
Nobody likes confrontation. The idea of a potentially awkward or hostile conversation is enough to make us break out in a sweat. But without boundaries, those little annoyances can snowball into major conflicts down the road.

Example: jasmine* finds it hard to tell her neighbor to stop dropping by unannounced. She dreads the potential awkwardness of the conversation, so she continues to tolerate the interruptions, even though it disrupts her family’s evening routine.

3. Guilt Trips Galore
Guilt can be a powerful motivator. We feel guilty for putting our needs first or for thinking our needs matter at all. But guess what? They do matter. We need to remember that taking care of ourselves isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.

Example: Lisa* feels guilty for wanting a weekend to herself. Her friends invite her out for a weekend getaway, but she really needs some alone time to recharge. She goes anyway, driven by guilt, and returns even more exhausted.

4. We Like Being Needed
Admit it—we enjoy being the go-to person. It makes us feel important and valued. But constantly being on call for everyone else’s needs can leave us with no time or energy for our own.

Example: Tom* loves helping his friends move, fix their cars, and tackle DIY projects. He enjoys being the reliable friend, but he realizes he has no time left for his hobbies or relaxation.

5. We’re Afraid of Being Seen as Difficult
There’s a fear that if we set boundaries, we’ll be labeled as difficult or uncooperative. However, consistently ignoring our own limits can lead to even bigger problems, like burnout or resentment.
Example: Emily* hesitates to tell her colleagues that she can’t stay late to help with a project. She doesn’t want to be seen as uncooperative, so she sacrifices her evening plans repeatedly.

6. We Confuse Boundaries with Barriers
Sometimes we think setting a boundary means building a wall. But boundaries aren’t about shutting people out; they’re about defining where we end and others begin. It’s about creating space for both ourselves and our relationships to thrive.

Example: Alex* worries that telling his family he needs alone time will hurt their feelings. He fears they’ll think he’s distancing himself, even though he just needs a little personal space to recharge.

7. Lack of Practice
Let’s face it—most of us didn’t grow up with a manual on how to set healthy boundaries. It’s a skill we have to learn and practice, and it can feel awkward or uncomfortable at first. But with time and practice, it gets easier.

Example: Karen* never learned how to say no politely. She’s used to overcommitting and struggles to set boundaries with her time. She starts practicing by declining small requests, like helping a colleague with non-urgent tasks.

8. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)
Saying no can sometimes feel like we’re missing out on something fun or important. But constantly saying yes to everything can spread us too thin and leave us feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

Example: Dave* always agrees to social outings with his friends, even when he’s exhausted from work. He fears missing out on fun experiences, but the lack of rest starts affecting his performance at work.

9. We Underestimate Our Own Needs
We often put others' needs before our own, underestimating how important it is to prioritize our own well-being. But we can’t pour from an empty cup. Taking care of ourselves allows us to better support those around us.

Example: Rachel* is constantly attending to her children’s needs, her partner’s needs, and her work responsibilities. She rarely takes time for herself and starts feeling worn out and irritable.

10. We Think It’s All or Nothing
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean we have to go from being a pushover to a strict enforcer overnight. It’s about finding a balance and setting limits that feel right for us. Small, incremental changes can make a big difference.

Example: Mark* thinks that setting boundaries means he has to be rigid and unyielding. He starts by setting small, flexible boundaries, like dedicating one evening a week to his hobbies, and gradually builds from there.

Overcoming Boundary Resistance

Recognizing why we resist setting boundaries is the first step towards making meaningful changes. By addressing these reasons, we can start to implement boundaries that allow us to lead healthier, more balanced lives.

Everyone has struggles in life, and counseling is a powerful tool to realize health and wholeness in their life. It’s never too late to start, and a problem is never too small to not benefit from counseling.
Practical Tips to Start Implementing Boundaries

Start Small: Begin by setting small boundaries that feel manageable. This could be as simple as saying no to an extra work task or carving out 10 minutes of alone time each day.

Communicate Clearly: Be honest and direct about your needs. Use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming or accusing others.
Be Consistent: Consistency is key. Stick to your boundaries even when it’s challenging. Over time, others will learn to respect your limits.
Seek Support: If setting boundaries feels overwhelming, consider seeking support from a counselor. A professional can provide guidance and help you navigate tricky situations.

Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Setting boundaries is a skill that takes time to develop.
Celebrate your progress and forgive yourself for any missteps.

By understanding and addressing these common reasons for resisting boundaries, we can create healthier, more sustainable lifestyles. It's time to prioritize our well-being and take the first step towards a more balanced life.

If you’re struggling to set boundaries or need support, Masters Counseling in Calgary is here to help. Our compassionate counselors can work with you to develop strategies for implementing healthy boundaries in your life. Contact us today to start your journey towards health and wholeness.

Monday, February 5, 2024

Overthinking? Here’s How to Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Body

Monday, February 5, 2024 @ 10:56 AM

For some, the feeling of an overcrowded brain will be all too familiar. It usually happens when you’re trapped in a pattern of overthinking. Read more at https://encompasscounselingmichigan.com/overthinking-heres-how-to-get-out-of-your-head-and-into-your-body/

Sunday, February 4, 2024

Are there Practical Benefits to Premarital Therapy?

Sunday, February 4, 2024 @ 12:25 PM

There continues to be considerable debate as to whether there are practical benefits to premarital/remarital counseling. The question further arises as to if premarital/remarital counseling is effective. According to Wright (1992), the institution of marriage is the closest bond that can develop between two people. That said, as many couples progress towards marriage perceptions and expectations as to what constitutes marriage varies considerably. In this regard, Wright (1992) contends that, “Unrealistic expectations and fantasies create a gulf between the partners and cause disappointments” (p. 11). Fawcett, Hawkins, Blanchard and Carroll (2010) contend that promoting healthy marriages and relationships now engages greater attention from principal stakeholders and requires considerable commitment and resources. A 2006 household survey conducted reported that “premarital education is significantly correlated to higher levels of marital quality, lower levels of marital conflict, and lower divorce rates” (Stanley, Amato, Johnson, & Markham, 2006, p. 232). The findings derived from this 2006 study lend support to the theory that premarital counseling may be effective (Proverbs 11:14; Proverbs 12:15; Proverbs 15:22; Proverbs 19:20-21).

There are numerous approaches employed in premarital counseling. One such interesting paradigm is solution-focused premarital counseling. According to Murray and Murray (2004), “Solution-focused therapy is a brief therapy approach that emphasizes clients’ strengths and attempts to produce desirable solutions to clients’ presenting problems” (p. 350). This specific approach takes on relevance because of the rapidity with which contemporary culture continues to undergo change. Solution-focused premarital counseling may also considered to be an effective option by some scholars as a result of: (a) its constructivist and postmodern paradigm, (b) its emphasis on clients’ perception of truth and (c) clients’ interpretations of their personal life experiences, interpersonal relationships coupled with their personal goals and aspirations ( Murray & Murray, 2004). At the corpus of the effectiveness of solution-focused premarital counseling is: (a) clients’ recognition that change is needed and (b) clients’ commitment to work with their therapist to implement mutually agreeable and sustainable change. “The solution-oriented theoretical framework provides a foundation for expanding the delivery of premarital counseling programs to engaged couples” (p. 356).

Is premarital counseling an effective tool for couples who are about to get married for the first time? Can it be equally effective for others reconsidering marriage after having experienced a failed marriage or failed marriages? In another meta-analytic study, consisting of 14 studies spanning four decades, Lucier-Greer and Adler-Baeder (2012) concluded that couple and relationship education “(CRE) programs that target participants in stepfamilies, both married and nonmarried, are modestly effective in influencing overall participant functioning as well as specific target outcomes, including family functioning and parenting, and appear worthy of support” (p. 765). In other words, there is some level of evidenced-based support to suggests that remarital counseling may also be well supported with the appropriate and meticulously conceptualized educational and/or enrichment programs.

The dynamic of stepfamilies introduced above connotes that some couples may be considered at higher risks for marital problems in the future than others. If this postulation is in fact true, the question arises as to what may be some of the other contributory factors that put some couples at higher marital risks. In an Australian study conducted by Halford, O’Donnell, Lizzio, and Wilson, (2006), 374 newly married couples were tested for the hypothesis that: “religious service attendance, income, age, education, female parental divorce, male parental aggression, cohabitation before marriage, forming a stepfamily, relationship aggression, or low relationship satisfaction predicts attendance at marriage education” (p. 161). Attendance to premarital education programs was reliably associated with attendance to religious services and not cohabiting before marriage, “but not reliably associated with the risk factors” (p. 161). There was also a “lack of reliable association of education attendance with relationship aggression and/or satisfaction or negative family-of origin experiences” (p. 162). In addition, this study reported that, “income, education, age, prior marriage, and forming a step-family were not reliably related to attendance” (p. 162). The study also revealed that many non-religious couples were not aware that premarital education was a resource available to them and that strategic marketing should be employed to heighten mainstream population awareness.

There are obvious complexities, attending variables and nuances associated with both premarital and remarital counseling. As such, I posit that there is a need for ongoing research to explore a plethora of relevant variables. Some of the evaluating factors that may affect couple and relationship study outcomes include: (a) the context of the study’s setting, (b) ethnicity, (c) economic status, (d) family functionality, and (e) parenting styles just to mention a few. Given the liberal marital approaches that continue to evolve in today’s postmodern culture, additional considerations should also be examined such as: (a) how many marriages has each individual been involved in prior to embarking on an educational program, (b) are the individuals cohabiting or are they living apart, (c) if married, at what stage of the marriage are the couple prepared to engage in a CRE program (Lucier-Greer & Adler-Baeder, 2012). In summary, there is empirical data which suggest that couple and relationship programs in various contexts have met with favorable outcomes, yet there remains a need for research that incorporates additional contextual diversity. Lucier-Greer and Adler-Baeder (2012) succinctly surmise this perspective noting that, “quality research designs framed with an ecocultural lens using control groups and long-term follow-up procedures are needed” (p. 766).

References

Fawcett, E. B., Hawkins, A. J., Blanchard, V. L., & Carroll, J. S. (2010). Do premarital education programs work? A meta-analytic study. Family Relations, 59(3), 232-239. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2010.00598.x
Halford, W. K., O’Donnell, C., Lizzio, A., & Wilson, K. L. (2006). Do couples at high risk of relationship problems attend premarriage education? Journal of Family Psychology, 20(1), 160-163. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.160
Lucier-Greer, M. & Adler-Baeder, F. (2012). Does couple and relationship education work for individuals in stepfamilies? A meta-analytic study. Family Relations, 61(5), 756-769. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1741-3279.2012.00728.x
Murray, C. E. & Murray, T. L. (2004). Solution-focused premarital counseling: Helping couples build a vision for their marriage. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(3), 349-358. Retrieved from Psy Articles
Stanley, S. M., Amato, P. R., Johnson, C. A. & Markham, H. J. (2006). Premarital education, marital quality, and marital stability: Findings from a large, random household survey. Journal of Family Psychology, 20, 117-126. Retrieved from https://doi.org/ 10.1037/0893-3200.20.1.117
Wright, H. N. (1992). The premarital counseling handbook. Chicago: Moody Publishers.

Friday, January 26, 2024

Trauma and NET, TFT, and EMDR: Is Mind-Body Work Helpful?

Friday, January 26, 2024 @ 12:03 PM

Trauma and NET, TFT, and EMDR: Is mind-body work helpful?

Trauma happens to everyone. It’s more than stress because the effects are lingering and tend to show up when you are stressed. You experienced something as being life-threatening, deeply distressing, or disturbing. Sometimes it is brought on by others' stories. Trauma effects could be as serious as PTSD or as mild as over-reacting to people or circumstances.

What is EMDR?

A structured therapy that encourages the patient to briefly focus on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories. For more information look up EMDR on the American Psychological Association or Veteran's Administration website.

What is NET?

Neuro Emotional Technique uses the meridian system for healthcare, i.e. muscle testing (used by chiropractors) and acupuncture. For more information look up NET on the NIH National Library of Medicine website.

What is TFT?

The client is tapping with their fingers at meridian points on the upper body and hands. Thought Field Therapy, unlike the one-size-fits-all EFT, is specific to emotions. For more information look up Thought Field Therapy on the NIH National Library of Medicine website.

What kind of mind-body work helps?

When your therapist tells you of a technique to use at home such as tapping, practice it when you’re feeling anxiety triggered by a past trauma. These things help and the evidence is not all anecdotal. Evidence-based research has been done on EMDR. Do your research by looking at peer-reviewed journals or reliable sources.

Do more of what works for you. For some people it is acupuncture, for others it’s yoga. It could be breathing techniques, tapping, or body scans. There are meditation and relaxation exercises available on YouTube or phone apps such as Insight Timer.

Can mind-body work be used by Christians?

Whether you can benefit from this therapy depends on what you and your therapist believe about who God is and what a relationship with God is like.

Some people are using a Christian mind-body protocol called Splankna for trauma therapy. This therapy uses EFT, NET, and TFT tools. There have been more than 3000 people trained in Splankna in the US, Mexico, Canada, Australia, China, Uganda, and Germany in the last 25 years. Practitioners can be found in private practices, churches, or faith-based organizations.

Don’t rush into mind-body work if you’re feeling a check in your spirit. Just talk to God about it and clear it with Him. Doubts mean you may need more information.

Call 720-577-5985 for a free 15-minute consultation.

Tuesday, January 23, 2024

Elijah House Training

Tuesday, January 23, 2024 @ 4:21 PM

Experience True Heart Healing AND Learn to Help Others Do the Same.We know how it feels to endlessly search for what leads to true transformation, only to come up empty. Whether you are a pastor, ministry leader, or simply someone who wants to find freedom and pay it forward, there is HOPE!

This Elijah House training has helped hundreds of thousands around the world experience freedom. Whether it be depression, anxiety, broken marriages, or whatever it is that needs healing, we've seen God break through time and time again.

This is a 12 virtual week class with small group participation at the end of each lesson

Click below to learn more about how you can register.

How To Silence Your Inner Critic

Tuesday, January 23, 2024 @ 3:14 PM

Resouling Therapy

Whether we are feeling anxious, depressed, a perfectionist, or not, we all have an inner critic residing within us. For some, our inner critic talks all the time and so loud that other thoughts can’t be heard or considered.

Here’s three strategies on how to silence your inner critic.

1) REMOVE THE WORD "SHOULD" YOUR INNTER CRITIC TELLS YOU
A common way our inner critic talks to us is by using the word “should”: “I should be able to handle this.” “I should be a better husband.” “I should have written a better email.” “I should be more outgoing.” “I should call my mother, spend more time with my kids, and know what my spouse needs from me (…without telling me)”

Sounds crazy, right? When we hear it from a different source we recognize it as absurd. It’s easier to be a source of encouragement for others to silence their inner critic. But we struggle to silence our own.

These “shoulds” try to convince us we have not met some arbitrary standard, telling us “You’ve missed the mark!” “You’ve failed!” “You’re not wanted here!” A really powerful inner critic goes beyond criticizing our behaviors to sending us the message: “You are not acceptable.” “You’re not good enough.” “You are a failure.” These messages criticize our being.

Take “should” out and replace it with “want to.”

“I want to be able to handle this.” “I want to be a better husband.” “I want to send professional emails and succeed.” “I want to be more outgoing.” “I want to be there for my family.”

Now stop for 10 seconds and allow yourself to feel the difference.

Did you notice it? It feels relieving, doesn’t it? Even hopeful in a way.

The “should“ statements have a finality to them with a judgment of “FAILED!” “REJECT!” The “want to” statements awake our own desires that is within us to motivate, give us hope, and help us make a plan.

Reminding ourselves of our “want to” allows us to see the good within! The “I should be a better husband” statement wouldn’t be so deadly if we didn’t desire that. It stings because I want to be a better husband.

It’s our inner desires that gives the “should” statements their deadly power.

After rewording a “should” statement to: “I want to write effective emails,” imagine how much easier it is to go to your boss and tell her you’d like to learn and grow. You are now freer to ask for her assistance rather than sit in her office feeling the weight of “I failed, I should have written my email like she would.”

2) REMOVE THE WORDS "SHOULD NOT" YOUR INNER CRITIC TELLS YOU
Geez… our inner critic isn’t very creative! It just uses the same word, but now in its opposite form.

When you hear in your head: “You shouldn’t be so sensitive.” “You shouldn’t have said that to your roommate.” “You should not feel angry.’ “You should not still be hurt by what happened so long ago,” our inner critic is condemning ourself as weak and not good-enough, not measuring up.

Take the “should not” out and replace it with “wish”.

Hear the difference with these statements: “I wish I wasn’t so sensitive.” “I wish I didn’t say that to my roommate.” “I wish I didn’t feel angry.” You get the picture.

Stop again and allow yourself to feel the difference of the “wish” vs “should not” statements.

Utilizing “wish” allows us to notice where we are without the judgment that “should not” gives, preventing us from noticing what’s going on within.

The revised “wish” statements provide space to hear (what we may think is) the ugly truth of ourself and move forward to problem solve.

Let’s explore the statement: “I wish I wasn’t so sensitive.”

With this new perspective I’m in a better position to consider other ways of seeing the situation. Perhaps being as sensitive as I am in the moment, isn’t the only way to feel about it. I’m able to acknowledge my feelings (I’m feeling sensitive.) and my uncertainty that it’s the only response to have (I’m not sure I have good reason to be as sensitive as I am.).

I can remind myself of the positives that are true, or check-in with others. I might take into consideration other ways to interpret the situation. I may want to wait to see how I feel about it tomorrow instead of choosing to act now.

3) ADD A REINFORCEMENT AGAINST THE "SHOULD NOT" BELIEFS
In our new “wish” statements we can add the phrase: “yet I am.”

The inner criticism can evolve from: “I shouldn’t be so angry!” to “I wish I wasn’t so angry, yet I am.”

This reinforces the ability to tell ourself: “This is what I’m feeling at this time. It may not be pretty. It’s not ideal, It’s not where I want to stay, but I am here. I might need some time to be able to feel differently later. ”

Now it easier to make amends in our relationships with others. We are acknowledging this isn’t my ideal self, it’s not how I prefer to have handle it, I want others to know that. We could tell our friend, “Right now I’m too mad to listen to you, I wish I could talk to you about it right now, but I’ll need some time.”

One of my first bosses shared with me what he often tells himself: “I will not should on myself today.” This was his reminder to fight against his inner critic that caused him to feel anxious somedays, and it helped him deal with depression other days. It also help him to not beat himself up the days he was frantically trying to prove he could be perfect.

Don’t should on yourself today. Or anytime. I encourage you to implement these new strategies of using “want to,” “wish,” and “yet I am” to silence your inner critic and then enjoy the results! You’ll find it so much easier to move forward in relationships and in making plans to improve your situation.

Sunday, December 3, 2023

Therapy Cards: Nurturing Well-being Through Dr. Remy Nelson's Therapeutic Wisdom

Sunday, December 3, 2023 @ 8:23 AM

Introduction:
Welcome to the transformative world of Dr. Remy Nelson’s Therapy Cards - an exquisite collection of Cartes de Thérapie and Tarjetas de Terapia designed to guide you on a profound journey toward mental well-being. Immerse yourself in the power of therapeutic affirmations and messages carefully crafted to address anxiety, depression, self-esteem, and the common struggle of not feeling good enough. With 64 unique cards in each deck, these cards are your daily companions on the path to healing.

Unlocking the Power of Therapy Cards:
Dr. Remy Nelson's Therapy Cards are not just flashcards; they are gateways to self-discovery and resilience. Integrate them seamlessly into your daily routine – draw a card in the morning, afternoon, and just before bedtime. Contemplate the messages, meditate, pray, and repeat the affirmations to set the tone for your day and promote better mental health.

Morning, Afternoon, and Evening Rituals for Improved Well-being:

Prioritizing Mental Health: Cultivate a habit of focusing on thoughts and feelings that align with better mental health.
Self-Care with Therapy Cards: Internalize the messages, practice affirmations throughout the day, and witness the positive transformation in your overall well-being.
Targeting Specific Mental Health Challenges:
In a world that rarely pauses, Dr. Remy Nelson’s Therapy Cards offer a sanctuary for mental health. Individuals, therapists, counselors, psychologists, and social workers can harness the power of these cards to address specific challenges and therapy goals.

Empowering Group Therapy Sessions:
Therapists can utilize Therapy Cards in group settings, fostering a sense of community and support. Encourage reflections on card topics to facilitate behavioral changes and a shared journey toward healing.

Art, Journaling, and Creative Expression:
Unleash the artistic and journaling potential of Therapy Cards. Express your thoughts creatively - draw, write, and use colors to symbolize the progression of challenges from their worst to resolution.

Mindfulness and Meditation:
Integrate Therapy Cards into mindfulness practices. Read a card, meditate, relax, and let go. Allow the therapeutic wisdom to guide you to a state of profound mindfulness.

Family and Children's Well-being:
Therapy Cards transcend individual use. Families can embrace the therapeutic journey together, using the cards to foster coping mechanisms, navigate emotions, and strengthen bonds.

Embark on a journey of self-discovery, resilience, and well-being with Dr. Remy Nelson’s Therapy Cards. Illuminate your path to inner harmony and make every day a step toward a healthier, more vibrant life.

Therapy Cards
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K4HFR5P?ref=myi_title_dp

Cartes de Thérapie
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KQ9K1DC?ref=myi_title_dp

Tarjetas de Teerapia
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KQ77JRG?ref=myi_title_dp

Sunday, November 19, 2023

When Busy is Bad

Sunday, November 19, 2023 @ 5:23 PM

We’re all busy. We have deadlines, expectations, and places to be. Busy isn’t bad. Busy can often be a sign of a healthy life being well lived. It’s inevitable we’ll have times where we’re busier than at other times. These busy days or seasons don’t have to derail our spiritual focus or hinder our walk with Christ.

Solomon reminded, “Keep your eyes focused on what is right and look straight ahead to what is good” (Proverbs 4:25), and Paul encouraged, “My eyes are on the crown. I want to win the race and get the crown of God’s call from heaven through Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14)

We have such a gift of perspective, friends. Because of Jesus, our purpose is clear, our daily tasks that often keep us busy can take on new meaning. But even with an overall spiritual outlook on life, we’re bound to find ourselves in situations where busyness derails our focus. If you find yourself busy, and also feeling anxious or exhausted, the busyness in your life may have become problematic.

Busyness can become problematic when we use it as
· An excuse for not prioritizing the most important areas of our lives.
· A badge of honor worn with pride, reminding us of our worth.
· A way to numb our uncomfortable feelings.
· An armor we wear to avoid experiencing the pain of life.

There are two common ways this can happen:
1. If you have a hard time saying no, or difficulty recognizing your own capacity, you may routinely take on more than you can handle. This can set you up to feel overwhelmed and incompetent.
2. If you’re afraid you’ll miss out on opportunities to connect with others and nourish relationships, you may tend to overcommit yourself. What you’re looking for is connection, but the over-commitment can have the opposite effect and may create a sense of loneliness and isolation.

If either one of these scenarios sound familiar, try taking an honest assessment of how you’re spending your time. Then, ask yourself these two questions:
1. “Am I able to be fully engaged and present in every activity of which I find myself a part?” If the answer is “No”, that may be your cue to reevaluate your commitments.
2. “Do I feel connected and happy after spending time in a specific activity?” If you feel sad or lonely or overwhelmed, you again may find it helpful to reevaluate your busy schedule.

Try these ideas to help you refocus and reduce overwhelm from busyness:
• Schedule in some “white space” on your calendar this week. We’re more likely to do the things
we plan for, so plan for unscheduled blocks of time.
• Look for natural ways to group similar tasks. Batching tasks prevents us from having to “switch
gears” as often and therefore saves time. It allows us to prevent additional time setting up for
similar tasks and improves focus.
• Make lists and keep your “To Do’s” somewhere besides your brain. Your day may be busy, but
your mind doesn’t have to be cluttered!

Being busy, active, and about the work God has set out for you to do individually, and as a part of the body of Christ is good. Allowing yourself to become so busy that your purpose feels muddled, however, can be a sign to slow down, allow yourself to reassess and rest. I love how author Mark Buchanan puts it, “Most of the things we need to be most fully alive never come in busyness. They grow in rest.”

Friday, November 10, 2023

Filling a Half-empty Glass

Friday, November 10, 2023 @ 9:44 AM

Do you view your glass as half empty or half full? Trying times can challenge us to rethink our expectations, values, and goals. Read this story of a gifted writer who lost virtually everything – to the point that his glass was nearly empty, and how he refilled his glass with faith.

John felt devastated when his father died weeks before his planned wedding. Lost forever was the opportunity to clink a champagne glass full of hope with his beloved Dad. Struggling with depression, John sought psychiatric care and started taking a common antidepressant. Despite a postponement, the wedding events resembled a Greek tragedy as John's depressive symptoms worsened to the point that the couple canceled their long-awaited honeymoon.

The Glass Half Empty
During the first weeks of marriage, John's psychiatrist ignored his complaints of confusion and agitation until he became delusional. Days after starting antipsychotic medication, he became more disoriented as he reported symptoms of blurred vision and flashing lights in his peripheral vision. His primary doctor and ophthalmologist dismissed his physical complaints as psychotic delusions. Desperate to please his boss, he worked for a week in this condition. On his last day at work, his new bride found him in the parking lot outside his office, kneeling on the cold December pavement and staring into his car, mumbling incoherently.

The next day, John's wife brought him to a local hospital emergency room, where he was admitted to the psychiatric unit. Branding him with the diagnosis of "schizoaffective disorder" (chronically depressed and psychotic), the hospital psychiatrist dosed him heavily with powerful antipsychotic medications. The hospital staff discharged John a week later in far worse condition than when he entered, with the dire predictions that he would never drive or work again. Too confused to sign his name to a check, drive, read, or write a coherent sentence, John reluctantly resigned from his full-time writing job of 25 years.

The Glass Shatters
In the following weeks, John lost virtually everything in his life – his friends, purpose, standing in the community, financial security, adequate health insurance, and identity. Even his outpatient psychologist and psychiatrist abruptly abandoned him shortly after he lost his means to pay their fees. His few brief social encounters reeked of awkward silences in his presence and judging whispers when he went outside to smoke, his only reprieve from his horror. Some people even criticized him for smoking, being lazy, or not "getting over" his problems. No question, his new trials tested his new marriage. In the throes of intense grief, he withdrew from the world." My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from saving me, so far from my cries of anguish? My God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer by night, but I find no rest." (Psalm 22: 1-2)

The Glass Half Full
John’s wife set up a GoFundMe page to solicit funds to pay his hospital bill. Donations offered mainly by relatives and the local Lions Club enabled John to pay his immediate medical bills.

After a period of mourning, John sought effective treatment. With the help of an inspired neurologist, John learned that he suffered a stroke, probably during the last week at his job. Finally, a glimmer of hope sparkled as he learned he could recover with occupational therapy. John reconnected with the few supportive people willing to hold conversations with him.

He practiced speaking several hours weekly with his trusted life coach, a new therapist, a cousin, and his chiropractor's receptionist. He practiced reading aloud and driving daily with his wife. He enrolled in a drawing and writing class at the local community college. With much encouragement from his writing teacher, he even started writing again. Soon, he felt ready to pursue part-time or volunteer work. Now, he could imagine his glass becoming half full. "The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me." (Matthew 25:40)

Refilling the Glass
After many community members ignored or refused his offers of volunteer service, John eventually landed a part-time job scrubbing pots and pans at a nursing home in a neighboring town. Soon, he delivered meals to nursing home residents in their rooms. They welcomed the opportunity to talk with him, even briefly. In time, his social skills improved enough to work at a neighboring town's health club facility. Following a demoralizing experience as a freelance writer, he gave up on writing and pursued rigorous training to become a licensed insurance producer. Upon passing his exams, he found an entry-level job working for a kind insurance agent in a neighboring town. His confidence grew. "I can do all this through Him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:13)

With loving encouragement from his Dad's older sister, John risked another attempt at writing – a part-time position at his old job. The community members who previously shunned him grew impressed with his recovered talents. As his skills improved, John landed two more prominent writing gigs and a full-time sales job with health insurance benefits. Finally, with the help of supportive people, John started to recoup the losses he suffered to the point where his glass overflowed with hope. "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." (James 1:12)

Dear Lord, please grant us the sensitivity and compassion to offer our friendship and support to everyone who struggles with behavioral health challenges. Amen.

Author: Jessica Loftus, Ph.D.
Image is under license from Shutterstock.com

Saturday, September 16, 2023

10 Practical Tips for Postpartum Rage

Saturday, September 16, 2023 @ 12:11 PM

Bringing a new life into the world is undoubtedly one of the most transformative experiences a woman can go through. While motherhood is often depicted as a time of joy and bonding, it's essential to recognize that it can also be challenging and emotionally complex.

Postpartum emotions can range from elation to exhaustion, but there's one aspect that often remains in the shadows: postpartum rage. In this blog, we'll delve into what postpartum rage is, why it happens, and provide you with 10 practical tips to cope with it.

What is Postpartum Rage?

Postpartum rage, also known as postpartum anger, is an intense and often overwhelming emotional response that some new mothers experience after giving birth. It is characterized by sudden bursts of anger, irritability, and frustration that can be directed towards loved ones, the baby, or even oneself. These feelings of rage can be accompanied by guilt and confusion, leaving new mothers feeling isolated and anxious.

Why Does Postpartum Rage Happen?

Understanding the underlying causes of postpartum rage is crucial for effective coping strategies. While the exact triggers may vary from one person to another, there are several common factors that contribute to postpartum rage:

1. Hormonal Changes: The dramatic shift in hormones during and after childbirth can lead to mood swings and heightened emotions. These hormonal fluctuations can make it difficult to regulate anger and frustration.

2. Sleep Deprivation: Newborns require around-the-clock care, which often results in sleep deprivation for new mothers. Lack of sleep can amplify stress levels and make it harder to manage emotions.

3. Physical Discomfort: The physical toll of pregnancy and childbirth, along with the recovery process, can leave women feeling physically uncomfortable and in pain. This discomfort can exacerbate feelings of anger and irritability.

4. Overwhelming Responsibilities: The demands of caring for a newborn, coupled with household chores and other responsibilities, can become overwhelming. Many new mothers feel intense pressure to meet unrealistic expectations, which can fuel anger and frustration.

5. Support System: A lack of adequate support from partners, family, or friends can contribute to feelings of isolation and resentment, increasing the likelihood of experiencing postpartum rage.

10 Practical Tips to Cope with Postpartum Rage

Now that we've explored what postpartum rage is and why it happens, let's discuss 10 practical tips to help new mothers cope with this challenging emotional experience:

1. Seek Professional Help: If you find that postpartum rage is significantly impacting your daily life and relationships, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. Therapy can provide a safe space to discuss your feelings and develop coping strategies. Make sure to connect with a counselor who is certified in perinatal mental health (PMH-C) to ensure that they have the expertise and experience with postpartum mental health.

2. Connect with Other Moms: Joining a support group or connecting with other new mothers can be incredibly beneficial. Sharing your experiences and hearing from others who are going through similar challenges can help reduce feelings of isolation.

3. Prioritize Self-Care: Don't neglect self-care. Take breaks when you can, even if they're short, to engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. This might include reading, taking a bath, or going for a walk.

4. Communicate with Your Partner: Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial. Express your feelings and let them know how they can support you. Remember that you're a team and sharing responsibilities can alleviate some of the stress.

5. Establish a Routine: Creating a structured daily routine can help provide a sense of stability and predictability in your life. Knowing what to expect can reduce feelings of chaos and frustration.

6. Practice Mindfulness: Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing exercises and meditation, can be powerful tools for managing anger and irritability. These practices can help you stay grounded and calm during challenging moments.

7. Delegate Tasks: Don't hesitate to ask for help from friends and family. Whether it's cooking, cleaning, or taking care of the baby for a little while, delegating tasks can give you much-needed relief.

8. Limit External Stressors: Identify and minimize external stressors that contribute to your rage. This might involve limiting exposure to negative news, setting boundaries with demanding family members or simplifying your daily routines. Learn to say “no” during this season of life. Remember that this is a season of receiving not giving.

9. Track Your Emotions: Keeping a journal to track your emotions can be insightful. Writing down your feelings when they occur can help you identify triggers and patterns, allowing you to develop better coping strategies.

10. Be Kind to Yourself: Remember that it's normal to experience a wide range of emotions during the postpartum period, including anger. Be gentle with yourself and avoid self-criticism. Seek support and remember that you're doing your best.

Conclusion

Postpartum rage is a challenging and often misunderstood aspect of new motherhood. It's essential to recognize that experiencing anger or irritability during this time is not uncommon, and there are practical steps you can take to cope with it.

By seeking support, practicing self-care, and communicating with your partner, you can navigate this emotional journey and focus on bonding with your newborn. Remember that you are not alone, and with time and support, postpartum rage can become more manageable, allowing you to embrace the joys of motherhood.

If you would like additional support with postpartum mental health, please visit:

https://amybraunlcpc.com/postpartum-depression-treatment-chicago
https://amybraunlcpc.com/postpartum-anxiety-therapy-chicago

Thursday, August 17, 2023

Healthy Cell Phone Habits for Your Kids

Thursday, August 17, 2023 @ 12:45 PM

Based on extensive research studies, it is evident that children on social media checking on their number of likes and followers have led to increased number of suicides (pre-COVID). Many children suffer from anxiety due to their activity on social media and feeling not good enough or unloved. Research says that the amount of time spent on social media negatively effects children’s well-being and mental health. However, there is good news…we have tips that may be benefit your children and family unit.

 Tip #1: Connection before Correction
o It is imperative that you establish a healthy relationship with your children before jumping right into rules. Rules without relationship leads to rebellious children. Talk with your children about the research studies mentioned above and engage in a dialogue to answer their questions.
 Tip #2: Delay social media until High School
o Although this is very difficult and you may get lots of push back from your children, it is beneficial to resist giving in. According to the Federal Trade Commission’s Children’s Online Privary Protection Act (COPPA) children are not legally permitted to be on social media until they are 13 years of age. There are lots of content that your children under the age of 13 should be restricted from viewing.
 Tip #3: Keep electronic devices out of the bedroom at night
o There have many horror stories of children getting into troubling situations after they turn in for the night having their phones with them in their beds. To help parents avoid unfortunate events from occurring, it is best practice to collect your children’s phones every night about an hour before bedtime. Watch out for your children making excuses of why they need their phones with them at night such as “But Mom, I need it for my alarm”. Be strong and keep their phones and buy them an alarm clock.

Provide your children with evidence-based research of why you are setting these ground rules surrounding their possession of a smart phone. You will be saving them from negative thoughts about themselves and prevent them from experiencing severe levels of anxiety and depression.

Friday, May 5, 2023

More Than We can Imagine

Friday, May 5, 2023 @ 3:39 PM

Years ago, I worked as a medical social worker and bereavement counselor in hospice. It was a role that was meaningful, profound, humbling, terrifying, and beautiful, often all at the same moment. There were so many times over the years when I wondered what difference I could make amid the deep pain of the loss being experienced around me. The reality of death was raw, biting, and indiscriminating. Death came to the young and old; the rich and poor; the solitary individuals and to those surrounded by family and friends.

Looking back on that time, I see a woman who began her work in hospice bearing a shield. I was often very frightened, and I felt very small. So I strode into a patient’s home like a knight grasping my armor, ready to fend off arrow and spear, terror and fear. Now, I feel such remorse as I remember that clinician. I must have come across as removed and protected and perhaps as if I was hiding behind a flimsy, false wall of knowledge and efficacy.

God was working on me, though, as death and pain and sorrow taught me time and again that all the protective mechanisms I conjured up were bound to fail. No matter how high my castle walls, death would still come to me and those I love. It seems miraculous, but the Holy Spirit was hard at work in me and on me, melting away my falseness, shattering my pride, stripping away the defenses I’d kept in place. I believe it was then, when by grace I learned to embrace my own naked vulnerability, that I began to develop into a person who could be a healing, loving presence for those who were grieving.

I have a favorite scripture passage that guides me now, from Ephesians 3:20: “Now all praise to God, who through the power at work within us is able to do far more than we could ask or imagine….” What I learned all those years ago was that in walking in the truth of my own vulnerable, fragile humanity, in reaching out and meeting a grieving person from this humbled place, God’s spirit can do healing, wondrous, sacred, profound work. When my vulnerable heart meets your broken one and we invite God’s presence, the Holy Spirit shows up with works beyond any I can do alone and with a power and mystery and love that teach me about life, death, and the resurrected Christ over and over again.

“Now all praise to God, who through the power at work within us can do far more than we could ask or imagine!”

By Annie Dalby

Monday, April 10, 2023

Finding Strength in Weakness

Monday, April 10, 2023 @ 12:23 PM

If the story of Samson is any indication, men can have all the God-given strength in the world and still be thwarted by our own temptations. No matter how strong we are physically or mentally it means nothing if we are not spiritually strong.

The only protection against sin is our reliance upon the Word and Power of God. If we turn to God in times of weakness, asking for guidance and protection, He will give us the wisdom and fortitude to overcome anything Satan throws at us.

That's why I love the story of Samson. Despite everything he's lost, despite everything he's been through, even in his last dying moment he finds strength in his weakness and relies on the Power of God to help him vanquish his enemies. Like Samson, we cannot fight the enemy alone. For us to heal, grow, and thrive we need the Power of God every step of the way.

Friday, April 7, 2023

Loss, Burial and Resurrection as a Life and Leadership Concept

Friday, April 7, 2023 @ 7:55 PM

What is gone in your life? What have you lost? What has gone away? What seems irretrievable?

Have your kids gone away to college?, Have one of your staff left? Has your status changed?, Are you grieving the way things used to be in life and at work?

All these questions are, in a sense, rhetorical in that they deal with losses that we have in life. It is important for us to grieve the stuff to understand the loss and the feelings around them.

Next step: Have you buried your loss? Given it away? Given it up? Given it over to God? Let it go?, Put it out of reach?, Let go of control?, Given responsibility away?, Let go of your freedom and privilege?, Let go of your entitlement? This important step allows for a clean break from your loss, at least for a season.

Last step. This is where we allow for resurrection. Perhaps the Phoenix bird arises from the ashes as it did after the Oakland fire. If you have any doubts go back and look at the beautiful houses in that neighborhood. Perhaps it's redemption or vindication for you or some you know. Perhaps you reinvent your career and reinvent yourself. Maybe you take on a new role at work. I know of a guy who was involved in a scandal at church. Today he helps ministers avoid finding themselves in that hot water. What resurrection are you waiting for? God is God of resurrection so don't forget to ask. Joseph, in Genisis, let's his old life die and be buried and then it's resurrected in his life in Egypt as VP of the country and reunification with his family.

Find help in identifying what may need to be grieved, buried and resurrected in some new form or another. A good friend, counselor or coach can help you do that.

Thursday, April 6, 2023

10 Benefits of Summer Horse Camp

Thursday, April 6, 2023 @ 2:21 PM

Hope Reins

Our Camp is a social skills camp and a summer camp.

Social Skills Camp
A social skills camp offers many benefits for children. Research shows that those who have better social skills and a higher EQ (emotional IQ) tend to do better at school, in friendships, and even in future jobs. Our social skills camp offers an experience that focuses on learning and practicing the social and emotional skills of Respect, Relationship Skills, Responsibility, Boundaries, Choices, and Consequences. We also teach and practice how to manage feelings using mindfulness and self-regulation skills. We do this all while working with horses!

Horse Camp
We are a horse camp too. Your child or teen will learn all about horses and how one’s intention and ability to manage emotions affect the ability to connect and lead horses. We partner the students up with the horses to practice problem-solving, social skills and self-regulation, and more. All the social skills that we teach are needed to be effective with horses so your child will not just be learning them but practicing these skills! We keep camps at a max capacity of 8 children so every child has a chance to learn and practice with a horse.

Horse Camp Dates:
June 12th-16th for 7-12 years old

July 17th-22nd for Teens

Go here to sign up:
https://www.hope-reins.com/blog/benefits-of-summer-camp

Now let’s get to the overall benefits of summer camp. We’ve got 10 of ‘em and they’re all good ones. Grab a cup of coffee or a snack because this is about to get very educational!

Top Ten Benefits of Summer Camp
1. Your child will get outdoors!

I don’t know about you but my mom would always kick me out of the house to play most days, but especially when the weather was nice. It was fun to play outside and explore. Nowadays this is harder to accomplish with fears about safety and competition with screens. Our camp is located on a beautiful 20-acre property 45 miles from Chicago. We have beautiful oak trees, hills, ponds, and of course horses. Your kid will be immersed in nature! Research has seemingly caught up with what moms seemed to know. There are numerous studies that show being outdoors just 2 hours a week (only 18 minutes a day) leads to improvement in both cognitive and emotional health in children and adults*. In a large study of children ages 0 to 10 years old, for those who spent more time outdoors, there was less risk for depression, mood disorders, eating disorders, and substance abuse*. Those who had the least time outdoors had a 55% greater chance of being diagnosed with a mental illness later in life*. Scientists theorize that the more humans are out in nature, they develop a “sense of awe” and feel connected to something bigger than themselves*. And really it is just old fashioned fun!

2. Your child will get off screens:

While being outdoors has great benefits for the health and well-being of children, studies show the opposite for the effects of screen time. Children are more sedentary, experience less time outside, and have trouble interacting socially (i.e eye contact). A recent study showed an increase in obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in preteens with more screen time. The study showed that for every hour of screen time, there was a 15% chance of developing OCD*. Another study showed children who are given screens to calm down have less ability to self-soothe or regulate emotions. I think children and teens who are on screens a lot can forget that being outside can be fun. Camp can be a great way to break this pattern.

3. Your child will practice independence:

Children have the chance to experiment with learning new things in a new way. Instead of being in the structured school experience with their usual friend groups; your child or teen will be given the opportunity to be independent, branch out, and explore new skills without judgment or preconceived notions. In our camp, children will have the opportunity to learn, brainstorm and practice the key concepts of emotional intelligence. They will have to master what empathy and connection are as they work with a horse. Horses won’t just automatically ‘connect’ but will assess each child’s ability to connect with them by how well they use the skills.

4. Your child will have fun:

Our camps also make sure that there is fun while learning new skills. Time at school is filled with tests, and performance pressure but our camps are filled with creative, fun, and unique experiences. So even while they are learning new concepts, we incorporate silly costumes and laughter in everything we do. It keeps the challenges fun and playful instead of overwhelming. And they get to see how horses also enjoy the fun!

5. Your child will practice teamwork:

Camps are typically organized in teams and encourage problem-solving and working together in creative and fun ways. Children get to see what they can do in a team vs individually. So while independence and individual activity are important, they will also practice how to be effective in a group. Since horses live in a herd, they are amazingly skilled at making sure everyone is working together as a team.

6. Your child will learn unique skills:

Camps are designed to introduce a skill, teach the skill, and then practice for a whole week. At our summer social skills camp, we focus on the skills of respect, empathy, emotional regulation, making healthy choices, fostering relationships, and setting healthy boundaries. Our facilitators are all counselors with master’s degrees and certified horse specialists with many years of experience. The horses provide honest and unbiased feedback right away. Your child will immediately know if they are practicing the skills of emotional intelligence. And since horses don’t hold grudges they will adjust as your child adjusts. All of this leads to empowerment as your child sees what works and what doesn’t. One of our favorite comments of all time is when a camper said, ‘It’s like the horses know exactly what we are learning for the day!”

7. Your child will get moving:

Most summer camps get kids moving in lots of fun ways, like hiking or canoeing. At our camp, we integrate movement and breathwork whether the students are walking in the pasture with a horse or stretching to relax their bodies. Since horses require a calm and congruent presence, your child will begin to develop body awareness and skills that help with managing their emotions. Movement can be key to self-regulation. And of course, we all know just like our moms did that physical activity is always healthy!

8. Your child will develop confidence:

Being away from home or their usual environment gives children and teens the opportunity to see what they are capable of. Many children don’t feel confident because they haven’t had the chance to try something new or different. Or perhaps they worry about being judged in school and feel stuck in the“box” of what others think of them. Camp allows participants to broaden their horizons. Since horses are animals of prey, they require a confident and calm presence to feel safe. If someone is pretending to be ok –smiling on the outside– but is really afraid or negative on the inside, the horse will know and will not feel safe. So in order to be effective in working with a horse, your child must practice what it takes to be determined inside and out. This leads to huge bursts of confidence when they see how they can lead a 1000-pound animal!

9. Your child will have new friend opportunities

All summer camps give children the opportunity to meet new people. Often they will get a chance to meet people from different racial or economic backgrounds. And some can become lifelong friends as camp friends often share unique and unforgettable experiences. In our camp, we are zeroing in on the skills it takes to start and maintain healthy friendships. For a child who struggles with developing friends, this camp focuses on developing social skills and managing anxiety that can stop them from trying. We also discuss how to have healthy boundaries so that they don’t sacrifice their values to just “have friends”.

10. Your child will be challenged to grow in a safe environment:

Our camps are led by a Master's-level counselor and at least one Certified Equine Specialist. This provides a high level of emotional and physical safety while challenging your child in a way that leads to growth. We have a curriculum that is designed to help children develop emotional intelligence. Your child will reap the benefits of individualized and group coaching from those who are specially trained in these areas. And research shows that as your child’s EQ improves, they tend to do better academically, socially, and in future jobs. We purposely keep groups small so each child has the chance to practice these skills individually and in the group with the horses. Instead of just hearing about these skills, campers get to practice using them with the horse. That leads to better learning and remembering!



*Sources:

https://www.apa.org/monitor/2020/04/nurtured-nature

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/evolutionary-psychiatry/201608/nature-therapy

https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/10.1177/0963721419854100

https://www.pnas.org/doi/10.1073/pnas.1807504116

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1054139X22007224

Monday, April 3, 2023

Therapy cards, Counseling cards, Tarjetas de terapia, Tarjetas de consejería, Cartes de thérapie, Cartes de conseil, Counseling material, therapist helper, therapy resource

Monday, April 3, 2023 @ 5:01 PM

Caja de 64 tarjetas de terapia (5” x 3”) hermosas, motivadoras, inspiradoras, empoderadoras y edificantes del Dr. Remy Nelson, un psicoterapeuta líder que sirve a Florida y Nueva York. El Dr. Nelson ha estado ayudando a clientes durante muchos años, y sus tarjetas de terapia en inglés, cartes de thérapie (francés) y tarjetas de terapia (español) están diseñadas para ayudarlo a manejar sus sentimientos y mejorar la calidad de su día. Las tarjetas están recomendadas para jóvenes y adultos de todas las edades.
 
Pueden ayudarlo a enfrentar una variedad de desafíos de la vida, incluida la autoestima, la autoestima, no sentirse lo suficientemente bien, la ansiedad, la depresión, solo por nombrar algunos de los problemas que las tarjetas pueden ayudarlo a abordar. Puede usar las tarjetas cuando esté en terapia, contemplando ir a terapia o no planeando asistir a terapia en absoluto.
 
Cómo puedes usar las tarjetas: Hay 64 cartas en cada paquete de cartas (disponibles en inglés, español y francés). Use las tarjetas para establecer el tono de su día, para meditar, para  orar o simplemente leer. Puede sacar uno al día y leerlo por la mañana, por la tarde y por la noche antes de acostarse.

English Cards Link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09K4HFR5P?ref=myi_title_dp

French Cards Link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KQ9K1DC?ref=myi_title_dp

Spanish Card Link:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09KQ77JRG?ref=myi_title_dp

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

Mental health thought of the day.

Wednesday, March 29, 2023 @ 7:46 PM

Mental health thought of the day.

Today I want to take a moment to discuss a major mental health issue I find myself dealing with various clients. And that issue is Narcissistic abuse. Primarily the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist.
A lot of you who are on my Face Book page, my old Face Book Page, Second Chance Ministries and Wellness Centers new Face Book Page and the old Face Book page, know I am a Nationally Board Certified Clinical Christian Psychologist as well as the Senior and Head Pastor of SCMWC Those of you who know me personally know I am a Veteran from a dual service Navy/Army. You also know that I have three post graduate degrees, Doctorate in Clinical Psychology (PsyD), Doctorates in Religious Theological Studies with a dual minor in Biblical Studies/Ministries, and a Doctorates in Christian Psychology/ Christian Counseling with a dull emphasis in marriage and family dynamics and human behavior and trauma. I have always said you don’t wake up one day and say “ You know what? I think I am going to become a pastor and start my own Ministries and then I am going to add a Mental Health Center to it and practice Christian Counseling” You don’t just wake up and decided that. God calls you into Ministries, He tells you to start a Ministry and to add the Mental Health Clinic/ Wellness Center to it. He tell you in Scripture, That God new you before you were in the whom, He named You , He knows His plan for you and wants to bless you and see you prosper. In Isaiah 54:17 “No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn.”. Meaning is you are like me and thousands of others who have become victims of some sort of Domestic Violence from being in a Narcissistic relationship, and they have in some way continue to directly or indirectly control you , ( indirectly meaning through so call friends or family members , stalk social media or even have some kind of legal matter against you or on you ) Know this is you truly believe In Christ is your savior and you live your life in accordance to God purpose for you and the Kingdom. Rest assure this Scripture will apply to you and it will take place soon if it hasn’t already. Another scripture that goes right along with Isaiah 54:17 is Proverbs 16:7 “When people's lives please the LORD, even their enemies are at peace with them.” Once again in accordance with God purpose for you and the Kingdom if it hasn’t all ready happened , one day when God says the time is right those who did you wrong or abused you will come to you and beg for forgiveness and will sincerely apologize to you for what they did to you and how they treated you. God is a gentleman He can not and will never lie to you , leave you or forsake you. His word is absolute truth and you can trust and believe what God says and tells you will come to past. God timing is perfect and always , always right on time.
What makes the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist so different then all other types of Narcissist is they play, act, and appear to be the “ nice guy/woman”. But are masters at deception and always playing the victim. I will go way more in depth about Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist, here in a little bit below. But first I want to say this, The number one thing all Narcissist absolutely hate and can not stand what so ever is when their victims i.e. you and those of you who can relate to this post , Over come the devastating hurt and pain the caused us. They hate and cant stand we have moved on with our lives, become genuine happy, we have rebuilt and better newer stronger life than before. We are more successful and we did it because they help us become who we are now simply by trying to destroy us. A couple other things about Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist most of the time but not all the time these type of Narcissist have undiagnosed BPD all so known as Boarder Line Personality Disorder. And some experts say the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist are not born this way but are made this way by childhood trauma or early adulthood trauma, sometimes both. Experts also say that a Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist also more than likely do develop some form of BPD. They may have some if not all the markers of BPD. Now being a follower and having been Chosen by God Himself a few things will happen is not all ready happing to our ex the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist. Their world since they discarded us has and is falling apart and will continue to do so until God brings them back into your life so they can apologize and ask for forgiveness. Don’t believe me! If you by chance or for whatever reason have some kind of contact either direct or indirect. Say social media or know someone who knows them. You will see a pattern by things going on in their life. And when you put two and two together you start to see, they genially regretting how they treated you and what they did to you. Especially if they where the type of person who actually for once turned to God and prayed for a person like you or I . Here the thing about prayers being answered. When you pray for someone and God sends them to you and you treat them like we where treated and discarded We are latterly telling God we know better then He does and what He gave us in answering our Prayers wasn’t good enough. . With that being said how do you think or imagine God is and will deal with them just off the account how they disregard and tossed a Blessing away like it was not good enough for them. Then lets factor in on how they Treated us knowing we were the ones God sent to them to answer their prayers. One can say in accordance to scripture God will never answer the same prayer twice or ever again. Two God will allow all kinds of bad things to happen in their lives to simply teach them a lesson. He not punishing them He is teaching them a lesson and not take blessings and answered Prayers for granted.
Genuine kind good hearted people like ourselves are rare. There isn’t a whole lot of us around. God purposely made very few of us for a reason. And don’t think for a moment or full yourself that you are not on their mind since the discard you are. On the surface they make it look life is going good and great for them but on the inside they are hurting really bad, they cant forget about you, they certainly can not forgive themselves and the have or are starting to realize that you were actually the one they Asked God to send them, there for if it hasn’t set in all ready regret will start to come< Remember they cant help who and what they are they suffer from some kind of trauma (I go into this when I go more in depth about the Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist. Pray for them, Pray that God heals them, works on them, and changes them, Like he did for us. Don’t blame them for anything they have do to you. Instead look at it as what they did for you. They helped you become a better version of you. Herman Hese said it the best “if you hate a person, you hate something in them that is part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us” . In my years of being a Mental Health Professional and working with people who have BPD, or some sort of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I have come to see a pattern and that pattern is. The Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist is a “good person” abuser they are more concerned with looking like a good person rather than actually being a good person. And the fact that we are genuine good hearted people by nature as God made us they hate us for it because they don’t truly know how to be one, do to trauma. They only know who to pretend to be a good person.

The Insidious Hypocritical Covert Narcissist and why its so difficult to heal and recover from them after the discard.

There are many types of Narcissist Classifications, never the less what ever their sub classification is a Narcissist has a mental disorder Called NPD or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
The insidious Hypocritical and the Covert Narcissist share very similarities:
Both are very dangerous, neither one of these types of Narcissists are not obvious hypocrites like your typical Narcissist are. No both these types of Narcissists are obsessed with having an image that they are good people, honorable, kind and full of integrity. On the surface and on the out side they seem to embody these qualities. Especially to the masses. The people very close to them are usually the only ones who knows the monster behind the mask. But not always some times those closes to these types of Narcissist are fooled for a long period of time, or unless it really hits the fan and something happens to expose them. They are expert actors and Liars. These are the most insidious characters because they appear to be the exact opposite of the image they portray. This is a Covert Narcissist is often called a insidious Hypocritical Narcissist.
The covert Narcissist will always play the victim no matter what. They act like the are so empathetic, but in reality they do not nor do they have any real empathy. They have a humble demeanor and appear vulnerable and sensitive, but upon closer observation, you will come to see the intense resentment and jealousy they have towards others. They do things for others, such as build them up mentally emotionally financially even spiritually , however they always expect something in return. Be it a lot of praise or some sort of future obligation. Their reputation of bine the “Nice Guy/Girl” is everything to them. Their image means more to them then actual reality. They have a passive aggressive nature, and never deal with any form of conflict in a healthy direct manner. They can seem to be the most caring sensitive person in the world. Only to realize they are only sensitive and caring when it comes to themselves.
Typically covert Narcissist play a victim of domestic violence in some sort of since. They always call other people Narcissist to take the true image off of themselves. They even go as far as making up lies and stories about their victims(Supply) to the point they get domestic violence restraining orders on them.
The reason the Covert Narcissist is so much more damaging than a Overt narcissist is because for on the covert has a nice vulnerable persona so no one believes you. They are experts at playing the victim. They will “admit” the truth about what they did just to get fired from a job and throw co-workers under the bus, then turn around and make it seem you are the one to blame for them to get fired from their job. Or they play the victim so well that sometimes they make even make you feel guilty for things they are saying doing or how they are acting. The abuse ( typically mentally verbally and emotionally) is so insidious that it takes you a much longer time to realize you are the one in fact the one being abused. They come across to you and everyone else around them as the complete opposite of being the “Bad person” so you and others around them genuinely thing they are a good person, sometimes for long periods of time ( It literally hurts more when you realize they exact type of person they truly are because you are in utter disbelief, and shock) The cognitive dissonance is beyond through the roof. ( So much confusion nothing makes since ) Since everyone thinks they are such a great person, you get confused and sometimes doubt yourself. They are such great manipulators, liars, and play the victim and the “nice and innocent” one so well they can and will convince others you are the one doing all the wrong things and abuse to them. They are by far some of the best actors who have spent their whole lives appearing to be someone else. They even do good things for people. Typically these type of Narcissist are “Made” meaning some sort of past trauma has re-wired their brains for protection and in conjunction they may also suffer from BPD boarder line personality disorder.
Trauma changes who we are and how we relate to people. You no longer feel safe in world or in your own skin. Everyone and everything is a potential threat. You are always on high alert all the time and don’t even realize it. You are always in survival mode. And you don’t recognize it or realize it because your body has become accustomed to living this way.
This is how and why typically a covert Narcissist goes undiagnosed with BPD and are so hard to discover. Because they use the trauma they have endured either from childhood or early adulthood as a mask and cover up for their Narcissistic behavior and why they are the worse type of Narcissistic abuse to recover from. In the end at some point in your relationship you have experienced the typical narcissistic classic behavior such as love bombing, shaming, twisting and turning the narrative around making you out to be the one to blame, gaslighting, the smear campaign, the sudden discard, and finally you are the “bad person” who abused them.

Friday, March 17, 2023

Lessons Learned from Pope Benedict XVI

Friday, March 17, 2023 @ 3:57 PM

I recently came across a beautiful statement on a dear friend’s Instagram story. She wrote, “One Who Has Hope Lives Differently.” To be honest, I was procrastinating starting this blog post and decided to look for some “inspiration” on the app. Oh how the Lord provides. These six words stopped me in my tracks (or scrolling rather) and led me on a search to find out where this quote came from.

As it turns out, this line was taken from a writing by the late Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI. Our beloved Pope Emeritus died in December 2022, so it seems fitting to honor him in this month’s message. In his work titled, "Spe Salvi" or "Saved in Hope," Pope Benedict declares, “The one who has hope lives differently; the one who hopes has been granted the gift of a new life.”

In some ways I think it’s hard to put into words what living differently actually looks like. I believe you know it when you see it though. With that being said, we can look to the example of Pope Benedict himself as a man who lived differently and chose hope in the face of great sorrow and tragedy. During his youth he witnessed the horrific presence of the Nazi regime in his hometown and the influence it had on his family and local parish. His faith and love of the Lord fueled his desire to remain hopeful and continue in his pursuit of truth and goodness.

Saint Paul is another example of a man who lived differently. While under intense persecution he wrote the following words to the Thessalonians,

We do not want you to be unaware, brothers and sisters,
about those who have fallen asleep,
so that you may not grieve like the rest, who have no hope.
For if we believe that Jesus died and rose,
so too will God, through Jesus,
bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church explains, “Hope keeps man from discouragement; it sustains him during times of abandonment; it opens up his heart in expectation of eternal beatitude” Catechism of the Catholic Church [CCC], 1997, para. 1818. Hope is an act of the will and it is a choice for all those who grieve. One who lives with hope believes that death does not have the final word. One who has hope lives with the expectation of eternity and the joy of seeing their loved ones again.

My friend who shared these words is certainly no stranger to grief as she mourns multiple losses in her own life. Through her example I can see that she lives life differently because of her hope. The clients that I have the honor to journey with also inspire me with the ways they choose trust over fear and faith over despair. It’s my desire that you can also call to mind someone you know who inspires you with their hope. Let’s say a prayer of thanksgiving for them now and ask for a blessing of endurance on their journey.

Information on Pope Benedict XVI’s life and the "Spe Salvi" full text can be found on the Vatican’s website, http://www.vatican.va.

Catechism of the Catholic Church (2nd ed.). (1997). Libreria Editrice Vaticana.

By RACHEL DOLLARD

Thursday, March 16, 2023

Good Grief

Thursday, March 16, 2023 @ 2:33 PM

Good Grief

Charlie Brown famously expressed his dissatisfaction by exclaiming “good grief!” when his circumstances became unfavorable. This phrase is synonymous with feeling annoyed, bummed, or frustrated. The same feelings that can arise when trying to cope with the loss of a loved one. We are creatures that were divinely designed for connection and when that connection is lost, we experience deep pain and grief.

Experiencing grief is part of the universal human experience. As Christians, we have faith that death is not the end. We have hope in the resurrection and eternal life. However, this does not mean we are immune to the pain of grief. In fact, as we mourn the loss of a loved one, we may feel, even more intensely, the separation and loss of connection from the departed, and find little encouragement in faith and hope of eternal life. This struggle is a natural part of the healing journey. Feeling torn between two truths, feeling hopeless under the overwhelming pain of the life lost, and hopeful putting trust in life everlasting.

The Bible offers comfort and guidance in times of grief. Jesus himself understood sorrow, as he wept alongside the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). This shows that even with the knowledge that Lazarus would be raised from the dead, Jesus understood the pain of His followers and mourned alongside them because it is a natural and appropriate response to grieve when we lose someone that we love. There is no timeline suggesting that grief can only last for a moment. Some of us may spend a lifetime grieving a loss. Being able to identify feelings of grief and appropriately mourning is a step toward healing.

Feelings of grief can look like:

DENIAL

• Avoidance
• Shock
• Numbness
• Shutting Down
• Keeping Busy

ANGER

• Irritability
• Impatience
• Frustration
• Resentment
• Passive-aggressive behavior

BARGAINING

• Guilt
• Shame
• Blame
• Fixated on past or future
• Should have, could have, would have thinking

DEPRESSION

• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Reduced interest in activities
• Changes to sleep and appetite
• Reduced energy

ACCEPTANCE

• Understanding
• Compassion
• Vulnerability
• Present in the here & now
• Connecting with others

As Christians, we are invited to weep with those that weep (Romans 12:15) and to comfort one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18) as the grieving journey can feel long and lonely.
We are called to love one another (John 13:34) and support each other in times of grief. As members of the body of Christ, we can bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and share in each other’s sorrows. We were not designed to go through the stages of grief alone. Community after loss is necessary to heal and find comfort.

How to build connection after a loss:
• Start therapy with a grief counselor
• Attend a grief process group
• Volunteer your time at local community site
• Go on a walk or hike with a friend
• Talk to someone about difficult feelings

Finally, in the midst of grief it is important to turn to God and seek His comfort and peace. Accepting pain as a part of life can help make room for uncomfortable feelings. Faith in a Higher Power relinquishes the need to understand why the loss happened, and instead offers us peace, through acceptance, that there is something greater waiting for our loved ones. Seek a counselor that utilizes Acceptance and Commitment based techniques to help with taking the first step in practicing acceptance as you grieve.

Ways to practice acceptance:

• Allow space for unwanted and uncomfortable feelings
• Research mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or mediation, to help you stay present in the here and now
• Practice separating yourself from your inner experience by recognizing your thoughts are just thoughts and begin to let go of the intense power they can have over you
• Ground yourself in your values, such as faith, family or community, to find the motivation to move forward in the action of acceptance
• Commit to one behavior that will help you move closer toward practicing acceptance, such as attending therapy to build community.

Thursday, March 9, 2023

“Can’t you just stop?”: Understanding Addiction

Thursday, March 9, 2023 @ 11:57 AM

Many assume that reducing alcohol or drug use is simply a matter of willpower and that all a person needs to do is just stop. This perspective can limit the motivation of the person trying to make changes in their using habits. Since often times, the sober curious person will relapse into old habits and then experience guilt or shame because they are not strong enough to stop.

Common misconceptions about addiction are:

• Stopping is a matter of willpower
• People choose to stay addicted and relapse
• Weak people struggle with addiction
• Addiction only affects certain groups and populations of people
• Functioning and stable people cannot develop harmful using patterns
• Rehab fixes everything
• You have to hit rock-bottom, end up in jail or be hospitalized to decide to change habits
• Only bad people drink or use drugs

These myths can prevent someone from seeking help because the misconception is that the addicted person is seen as weak, powerless and unfit to participate as a member in society. Instead of believing that there is hope, sober curious individuals will stay stuck in harmful patterns.

Thankfully, there has been an increase in the awareness of the truth behind addiction. Professionals are being taught harm-reduction techniques to help individuals achieve recovery goals.

Facts about addiction:

• Using habits can affect the reward system part of the brain, which alters the ability to practice discipline and willpower
• Addiction is not a choice, many factors contribute to developing a habit, such as; environmental, psychological and physical factors, family history, and early childhood experiences
• A struggle with addiction is not a sign of weakness but a consequence of various factors
• Addiction does not discriminate
• Anyone can function and still struggle
• Treatment can help with learning new ways to cope but sometimes it takes time to discover what will be the most helpful
• Anytime is the right time to make changes to harmful habits
• Using is not a reflection of poor character, it is a disease, bad people don’t get sick

Seeking support for yourself or a loved one is the first step toward making meaningful change. Regardless of wanting to stop completely or explore how habits affect life, therapy is a great place to start that journey. There are many faith-based 12-Step Recovery Groups available in-person and online. Individuals and their families no longer have to enter the battle of addiction alone. A licensed therapist can help process all the factors that influence using patterns and help create a plan for success.

Friday, February 10, 2023

Book Now

Friday, February 10, 2023 @ 9:30 AM

Book now to attend your favorite workshops for the year! Dr. Umona L. Sharp will be teaching from her three books, "Why am I Like This?, The Dynamics of Faith and its Power, and The Power of Intercession, Root Killer Powers."

Workshop Topics

**Restore the Intercessor
**Restore My Faith
**Why Am I Like This?

If you would like for us to come to you, please contact us @ 513-268-7153 or www.stayfreetoday.com.
You can also order Dr. Sharp's books on Amazon.