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Thursday, October 3, 2024

Disappointment and Marriage

Thursday, October 3, 2024 @ 8:35 PM

A few weeks ago I attended a beautiful Christian wedding. The pastor did a great job because his message actually informed the couple that even though their celebration together on this day surrounded by family and friends was creating beautiful memories, they might experience some disappointing moments and those moments could possibly happen very quickly after the ceremony ended. He encouraged them not be caught off guard in those disappointing moments but to know this is normal and in these disappointments they should take a deep breath, seek wisdom and guidance and even ask the Lord in prayer to help them.

What wisdom! I'm afraid we've given couples a Hallmark version of marriage where there are no problems and everything turns out gloriously every single moment. We don't do newlyweds any favors to suggest that marriage is without disappointing moments and includes many times of working through tough hurts.

What you might not know is that the number one emotion that causes couples to be disconnected is disappointment. It is wise to inform couples that disappointment will come, but this doesn't mean that these disappointing interactions are deal breakers. Disappointment is simply an opportunity for couples to learn how to solve problems and to grow together in victory.

Many couples I work with are shocked to hear about the power of disappointment and how normal it is for married couples to be disappointed in their marriage. Couples witness others in church and other groups who never look disappointed. They wonder what is wrong with them, why they aren't thriving in their marriage.

Christian couples need to learn how to be married! Many couples never saw good examples of marriage and for the most part are expecting things "to just work out." For this reason I created a course they can work through watching videos and doing assignments from a workbook so they can have a better understanding of navigating marriage and improving the marriage relationship. Committing to improving their marriage with this training will definitely help couples create new habits, learn more about each other and marriage and escape being stuck in a disappointing marriage.

Tuesday, October 1, 2024

How to Reprogram Your Mind to Become Anxiety Free

Tuesday, October 1, 2024 @ 3:37 PM

janekcoaching

Is your mind filled with anxiety?
Maybe you’re suffering from sleepless nights and feeling nervous and upset all day…
Worrying all the time…
Imagining the worst-case scenario…
Maybe having an anxiety free mind sounds impossible.
Maybe you think anxiety is helpful and necessary.
That it helps you solve your problems.
But if you’re honest, what you really want is to relax and calm down.
You want to be free of anxiety.
It is truly possible to become anxiety free – no matter what your situation is.
A few years ago, I was an anxious mess. A family situation had me in knots. I hardly ate, couldn’t sleep, and was consumed with worry all day. In the midst of my miser

Here’s what I discovered…

1. DON’T BELIEVE EVERY THING your mind tells you!
It’s true! Thoughts are just thoughts! You don’t need to trust every one of them. Not all thoughts are equal.

2. Become AWARE of your thoughts.
This means pausing long enough to become mindful of the thoughts rolling around in your mind. Take a break from your whirlwind of thoughts. Stop long enough to sort out your thoughts and feelings. Identify the ones causing your anxiety.

3. ASK YOURSELF: Where do these thoughts come from?
This is a reflective process that takes a bit of time but helps you understand the root of your thoughts. Thoughts come from a lifetime of experiences that have formed impressions or unconscious ideas about how life works and your place in the world. For example, individuals with anxiety might have unconscious thoughts like…
I will always be a worrier.
Life is unsafe and scary.
Anxiety helps me cope with problems.
I’ll never be able to calm down.
Something must be wrong with me.

4. Identify CORE BELIEFS
Unconscious thoughts affect everything you do. They influence your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions. Why? Because they form the foundational system of beliefs by which you live.
They are called CORE BELIEFS. For instance, someone living with the core belief that anxiety is the way to cope with problems, experiences a mind automatically filled with anxious thoughts and feelings when something happens.
An event could even be neutral but those of us with anxiety will interpret it as being negative and dangerous. While someone else operating from a different set of beliefs might interpret the event as a positive opportunity.

5. Accept and change LIMITING BELIEFS
Core beliefs become LIMITING BELIEFS when you trust and act on them. Hanging on to the core belief, for instance, that life is unsafe and scary, holds you back in life. Fear and anxiety control your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions.
The key to reducing limiting beliefs that cause anxiety is to allow and accept them. Be aware of your limiting beliefs and decide to do something about the ones that cause anxious thoughts.
Remember: You don’t have to believe everything your mind tells you!

You always have a choice to change negative thoughts and limiting beliefs into positive thoughts and empowering beliefs.

Here’s how…

Replace old beliefs with new beliefs. For instance, someone with the old belief, “I will never be able to calm down,” could change it to the new belief, “I can calm down. I can do what it takes to calm down.”
Repeat the new belief to yourself every day! Even several times a day. Make it a habit. This will start to reprogram your mind and create new neural pathways in your brain.
You can reprogram your mind and become anxiety free!

I hope you can follow these 5 steps to become aware of your limiting beliefs, change them to new empowering beliefs and to repeat them often. Take this path to become anxiety free.

However, if you are truly struggling with anxiety that keep you nervous and troubled, watch my FREE 10 minute video on How to Stop Anxiety (https://janekcoaching.com/schedule-a-call/) to learn the exact 3 steps you can take to Become Anxiety Free.

Jane Kennard PhD, CPC is a Canadian born anxiety coach whose desire is to help women become anxiety free. Her purpose is to support women struggling with anxiety, overwhelm and worry and help them experience anxiety free living. She lives in Texas with her husband and Bishon pup, Toby. Find out more and sign up for a free consultation here.

Monday, September 30, 2024

Kingdom Blueprint: Cultivating an Intimate Relationship with God

Monday, September 30, 2024 @ 3:31 PM

Attending church regularly, praying, Bible-reading, and devotionals are worthwhile activities, but activity alone does not make a relationship.

Kingdom Blueprint takes a deep dive into what it looks like to be called into a relationship with the Living God--and how to allow that relationship to transform our relationships with ourselves and others.

Relationships explore how to
See and embrace God's invitation to relationship
Overcome resistance to the invitation
Stop sabotaging relationship with God and others
Accept God's invitation to enter into our true selves
Sit in the presence of God
Actively participate in intentional spiritual formation and transformation
Use seven disciplines to orient yourself to the presence of God

Friday, September 27, 2024

How to Set Boundaries and Find Peace: A Guide to Saying No Politely and Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Friday, September 27, 2024 @ 3:09 PM

Alright, mama—let’s get real for a minute. How many times have you said yes to something (you didn’t really want to do) just to avoid feeling guilty? Yup, same. But here's the thing—saying no doesn’t have to feel like you’re stepping on someone’s toes or sending out a breakup text. Nope! You can protect your time and energy without all the guilt or awkwardness.

Saying no can be tough, especially when you're juggling relationships, family, and life’s never-ending demands. But guess what? There’s a secret sauce to saying no nicely that’ll leave you feeling empowered and keep your relationships intact. Whether you’re turning down a PTA project, rejecting an invite, or just trying to carve out some me-time without offending anyone, I’m here to help you master the graceful (and totally doable) art of saying no—without feeling like a jerk.

Let’s dive in and learn how you can say no without sacrificing your sanity or your relationships.

Why You NEED to Learn How to Say No

Listen, I know you want to be there for everyone. But trying to keep all those plates spinning is going to lead you straight to Burnout City—and nobody wants that. Here’s the truth: when you say yes to everything, you’re actually saying no to yourself. And trust me, saying no every now and then is the best form of self-care you can give yourself.

Learning how to say no is like reclaiming your power. When you start setting those boundaries, you’re protecting your peace and energy. You’ll be more present when you do say yes because it won’t come with all that resentment and exhaustion.

What Happens When You Don’t Say No? (Spoiler: It’s Not Good)

Ever found yourself knee-deep in something you wish you could bail on? Maybe it’s volunteering for that bake sale you never had time for, or attending that social event that’s draining your already-limited energy. Here’s what happens when you don’t say no: you stretch yourself too thin, and eventually, you’ll snap. And mama, that’s no good for you or anyone else.

When you’re always saying yes, you’re giving up the time you need for yourself. Eventually, resentment sneaks in (and we all know that’s a recipe for disaster). Your relationships suffer, your mental health takes a hit, and worst of all, you start to lose you. Saying no allows you to say YES to things that fill your cup instead of emptying it.

The Art of Assertiveness (AKA Standing Your Ground Without Being Mean)

Saying no doesn’t mean you’re suddenly going to become the “mean mom” (don’t worry, you won’t!). It’s all about being assertive—which is basically just a fancy way of saying you’re confident in expressing your needs. And guess what? You can do it kindly without being aggressive or cold.

Think of assertiveness like this: It’s about setting the tone, drawing your boundaries in the sand, and letting people know what you need, all while keeping things cool, calm, and respectful. No drama, no attitude—just clear communication. You’re saying, “This is what I can handle, and I’m sticking to it.” It’s that simple.

You’re allowed to say no—and when you do it confidently, people respect you more for it. The truth is, people often take their cues from you. When you approach something with confidence and calmness, they’ll pick up on that and respond accordingly. They may even admire you for being clear and firm about what works for you.

The key here is balance. Assertiveness isn’t about being harsh or cold; it’s about valuing yourself enough to speak up. It’s about finding that sweet spot between being overly passive (saying yes to everything and drowning in commitments) and being too aggressive (snapping and shutting people down). Instead, assertiveness is your power tool for saying no in a way that respects both you and the other person. You can say no to that extra task, the social invitation, or the favor, and still keep the relationship intact. It’s about honesty, and honesty—when paired with kindness—is always a win.

How to Say No Without the Awkwardness: Communication 101
Okay, so you’re ready to say no, but how do you do it without feeling like you’re letting someone down or coming off as rude? It’s all in how you communicate. Let’s break it down:

1. Be Honest but Brief (and Skip the Novel-Sized Explanation)
Here’s the thing—most people don’t need a long, drawn-out explanation when you’re saying no. In fact, over-explaining can sometimes make things more awkward. For example, you don’t need to go into detail about your laundry list of reasons why you can’t do something. A simple, “I’d love to help, but I’m not able to commit right now” works like a charm. It’s honest, respectful, and best of all—it leaves no room for guilt.

The truth is people appreciate when you’re upfront. Being honest shows you’re genuine, and they’ll respect your boundaries more. And bonus: You’re not left scrambling to come up with excuses or get caught up in a web of unnecessary explanations.

2. Use “I” Statements to Keep it Personal, Not Blamey
One of the best ways to soften a no is by framing it in terms of your own needs. Using “I” statements is a simple yet powerful tool. Saying things like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need to take a breather” or “I don’t have the capacity to take this on right now” focuses on your feelings and circumstances, instead of making the other person feel at fault for asking.

Compare these two examples:

“You always ask me to do too much!” (Aggressive, right?)

“I’m really stretched thin right now, and I need to focus on other priorities.” (So much kinder!)

The key here is ownership. When you focus on your limits and needs, it’s clear that your no isn’t personal—it’s about managing your own well-being.

3. The Power of the “No, But...” Approach
If you’re worried about saying no completely and want to keep the door open for future possibilities, the “No, But...” strategy works wonders. Let’s say a friend invites you to a last-minute brunch, but your Sunday morning is already booked with errands and a rare moment of relaxation. Instead of feeling pressured, you can say, “I can’t make it this Sunday, but how about next weekend instead?”

This approach shows that you’re still interested in maintaining the relationship, but you’re prioritizing your time in a way that works for you. It softens the blow of a no and gives both you and the other person an alternative to look forward to.

Here’s how it could work in other situations:

At work: “I’m swamped with deadlines right now, but I’d be happy to review the project next week.”

With a friend: “I’m not up for a big night out, but I’d love to catch up over coffee soon.”

With family: “I can’t host the holiday dinner this year, but I can help with the planning and decorations.”

4. Use Humor to Lighten the Mood
Sometimes, when things get tense or awkward, a little humor can go a long way. If saying no feels uncomfortable, injecting a bit of lightheartedness can make it feel less heavy for both you and the person asking. For example, if someone asks you to do something that’s just not feasible, you could say something like, “I’d love to, but I’m already trying to figure out how to clone myself to get through this week!” It keeps the mood friendly while still delivering your no.

Of course, this tactic only works if humor feels natural for you and the relationship. If the vibe is more formal, stick with a polite decline. But don’t be afraid to let a little personality shine through—saying no doesn’t have to feel like a legal proceeding!

5. Be Consistent and Firm (Without Wavering or Backtracking)
When you say no, stand by it. Often, the guilt that follows makes us second-guess ourselves, and before we know it, we’re adding qualifiers like, “Well, maybe I can make it work…” No, mama, hold your ground! Being consistent is key. If you say no but start to backtrack, it sends mixed signals and weakens your boundary.

Example: A friend asks you to volunteer for the school bake sale, and you’ve already got too much on your plate. You say no politely, but then start wavering with something like, “Well, I suppose I could make a few cupcakes…” Suddenly, you’re right back to feeling overcommitted. Instead, stick to your original no and keep it firm. “I wish I could help, but I’ve got too much going on this week. I’ll have to pass this time.”

It’s about being kind but standing your ground. You deserve to protect your energy.

6. Timing Is Everything
Believe it or not, when you say no can matter just as much as how you say it. If possible, deliver your no sooner rather than later—dragging it out only adds to the awkwardness. If you know you can’t commit to something, don’t wait until the last minute to let the person know. For example, if someone asks for your help next week but you already know your schedule is jam-packed, it’s better to give a polite no early on: “I won’t be able to help next week, but I wanted to let you know now so you can find someone else.”

Being timely not only keeps things smooth and respectful, but it also shows you’re considering the other person’s needs by giving them ample notice.

7. Acknowledge the Other Person’s Feelings, but Stay Focused on Your No
Sometimes, the hardest part of saying no is worrying about how the other person will react. While you want to acknowledge their feelings, remember that you don’t need to bend your boundaries to protect them from disappointment. Saying something like, “I understand this might be tough to hear, but I can’t commit to this right now” shows empathy without sacrificing your own needs. It’s okay to recognize that your no might not be what they wanted to hear, but that doesn’t mean you need to change your answer.

Setting Boundaries with Confidence

Boundaries are your best friend. They’re not about pushing people away; they’re about protecting your energy. When you set clear boundaries, you’re telling the world, “Hey, this is what I can handle, and I’m sticking to it.” Boundaries are essential for your mental health and your relationships, and the more you practice them, the easier they become.

It’s okay to say, “I need some time for myself,” or “I can’t make it to that event.” You’re allowed to protect your peace, and trust me, the people who respect you will respect those boundaries too.

Here are a few more ways to frame your no:
“I’d love to help, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now.” This keeps things honest and clear without over-explaining.

“I appreciate the invite, but I need a quiet night in to recharge.” Saying no to social events is totally valid, especially when you’re prioritizing self-care.

“I can’t take on anything else this week, but let me know how it goes!” It’s a great way to show support without stretching yourself thin.

“I’m flattered you asked, but I have to say no this time.” A polite decline that shows you appreciate being included, but you’re still standing by your limits.

“I have too many commitments right now to give this my full attention.” This emphasizes that your no is about protecting the quality of your time and energy, not about rejecting the person.

The bottom line: You don’t need to justify or apologize for protecting your boundaries. The right people will understand that saying no is a form of self-respect, not rejection.

Saying ‘No’ Without Guilt or Apology

Now, here’s the real kicker: the guilt. I know it’s there—the little voice telling you that saying no is selfish or rude. But guess what? That voice is wrong. Taking care of yourself and setting limits isn’t selfish; it’s survival. The more you say no to things that don’t align with your needs, the more you’re saying yes to the things that truly matter—your health, your sanity, and your happiness.

Let’s say goodbye to guilt once and for all. The more you practice saying no, the easier it becomes. And here’s a secret: you’ll actually feel better knowing you’re taking care of yourself first.

When “No” Feels Complicated: Dealing with Pushback

Let’s face it—sometimes, saying no doesn’t end with a simple, “Okay, I understand.” In reality, people might push back or try to change your mind, and that’s when it gets a little more complicated. But here’s the thing: standing firm in your boundaries is crucial for your well-being. And often, pushback has more to do with the other person than with your no.

Why Do People Push Back?
They’re Not Used to Hearing No from You
If you’ve always been the one to say yes—whether it’s taking on extra tasks, lending a hand, or just always being available—people get accustomed to it. So, the first time you set a boundary, it can catch them off guard. They may not know how to react because they’re used to you bending over backward. But guess what? That’s their issue, not yours. Their surprise doesn’t mean your no isn’t valid.

They’re Prioritizing Their Own Needs Over Yours
Some people push back because they’re thinking about how your no affects them—their plans, their workload, or their convenience. It’s natural for people to react this way, but it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for their expectations. Your needs are just as important. If they guilt-trip you or push harder, stay firm. Acknowledge their feelings but stand by your decision. For example, “I understand this is important to you, but I’m still unable to commit.”

They Don’t Realize They’re Crossing a Boundary
Sometimes, people aren’t even aware that they’re overstepping. They might be so used to leaning on you that they don’t see your yes as something that might drain you. When you set a boundary, it may feel like a sudden shift to them. If this happens, you can offer a gentle reminder: “I know I usually help with this, but I need to take a step back for my own well-being.” Over time, they’ll get the message.

They’re Trying to Test Your Limits
Let’s be real: some people don’t like hearing no because it challenges the dynamic they’ve come to expect. These individuals might push back to see if you’ll crack. They may guilt-trip you with phrases like, “But I really need you,” or “You always do this for me.” It’s critical to hold your ground in these moments. You can say something like, “I hear you, but I’m still not able to help right now.” It’s calm, clear, and keeps you in control.

Preparing Yourself for Pushback
Knowing that pushback is a possibility is half the battle. Here are some ways to prepare yourself and deal with it effectively:

Stay Calm and Collected
When people push back, it’s easy to feel flustered or even guilty. But here’s the secret: keep your response short and steady. Repeat your original no without wavering. For example, “I understand where you’re coming from, but I still can’t commit to that right now.” You don’t need to get defensive or apologize. Just stay calm and firm.

Don’t Over-Explain
There’s a temptation to start justifying your no, but resist the urge to go down that path. Over-explaining opens the door for more pushback because it gives the other person something to argue against. The more you explain, the more they may try to poke holes in your reasoning. A simple, clear no is more powerful: “I can’t take that on right now, but I appreciate you thinking of me.”

Hold Your Ground with Empathy
It’s possible to say no while still acknowledging the other person’s feelings. This doesn’t mean you’re backing down—it means you’re showing empathy while maintaining your boundaries. Something like, “I get that this might be hard to hear, but I’ve made my decision and it’s what’s best for me right now” lets them know you care, but you’re still standing firm.

Prepare for Reactions
People react in all kinds of ways when faced with a no. Some might try to guilt-trip you, others might act hurt, and a few might get defensive. The key is not to take their reactions personally. Their feelings aren’t your responsibility, and it’s okay if they need time to adjust to the new dynamic. Keep reminding yourself: you are allowed to say no. You don’t owe anyone an immediate yes.

Know That It Gets Easier

The more you practice saying no, the easier it gets—and the less pushback you’ll face over time. People who push back are often testing whether you really mean it. If you hold your ground consistently, they’ll learn to respect your boundaries. Eventually, the pushback will diminish, and people will come to understand that when you say no, you mean it.

Conclusion: It’s Time to Take Your Power Back

It’s time to stop feeling bad about saying no. You deserve to prioritize yourself and protect your energy. Saying no doesn’t mean you’re letting anyone down—it means you’re showing up in a healthier, more balanced way.

Ready to master the art of saying no without feeling guilty? I’m here to help. Together, we’ll work on setting boundaries, protecting your peace, and finding that sweet spot where you can be a total rockstar at life without burning yourself out.

Schedule your free consultation today, and let’s start creating the balance you deserve!

-Kelly, MA, BCBA, Mom Life Coach